How long should I wait to appologize?

[Quixotic]

I got my ex arrested. He was put in jail for 4 days, but was released under probation supervision (3 yrs). I know he will probably never want to speak to me again, but I want to call him to appologize. How long should I wait to call? Or should I assume he hates me and do NC?

[Guest]

What did your ex do?

 

If he physically abused you, broke into your house, stole or damaged your property why would you apologise for protecting yourself?

 

If you filed false charges to get him into trouble there are no only moral issues to deal with but legal ones such as filing a false police report.

 

It's hard to give a good response without knowing what transpired.

[norajane]

I agree with guest - it's hard to advise without knowing what you called the police for. An apology may or may not be appropriate, depending on the circumstances.

 

If you feel it is necessary, however, do it as soon as possible, though he might not accept it.

[Salicious Crumb]

I got my ex arrested. He was put in jail for 4 days, but was released under probation supervision (3 yrs). I know he will probably never want to speak to me again, but I want to call him to appologize. How long should I wait to call? Or should I assume he hates me and do NC?

 

Why did you get him arrested? Did you lie to get him arrested?

[DyingHeart]

I agree with Guest also. If he did something to you, then there should be no need to apologize to him.

But if you had him arrested out of spite, then I believe you should apologize to him.

And if that's the case, then chances are he won't accept it.

 

Then what? Move on and leave this whole mess behind you and work on yourself and you'll be a better person in the end.

 

 

Hugs,

DH

[Quixotic]

Reasons why i had him arrested:

 

50% Spite----50% Justification. Which is why I'm conflicted.

 

Here's what happened--

 

We had just moved in together. One night we stayed up late (6am).

At 9am that morning, he got up, ranting & raving about how he had to go to work early that day, he said he wanted to go get coffee with me then drop me off where i needed to go that day(my car wasn't working then) (he is self-employed, so can go to work anytime he wants to, and rarely goes that early, so i was suspicious as to why he was trying to get me out of the house). I said since i only got 3 hours of sleep, i was tired, and was sleeping in that morning. I told him i'll get up later, and get my own ride to where i needed to go that day.I also told him if he's in such a rush to go to work, why was he arguing with me?-I said "get your **** together, and take your ass to work".

 

We began arguing and it turned physical. While we were fighting, my earrings ($1000.00 worth of diamonds) fell out, but i didn't realize it until a few hours later. After things calmed down, we both left. When I realized my earrings were gone I called him. He had an attitude saying"i'm busy at work, i cant waste my minutes talking about this ****, ill look for the earrings later on when i get to the house".

 

We had just moved in together, and he had the only copy of the key, so i figured when he left work, he would go home, and let me know what the status of the earrings were (I was at a family fuction, and wasn't going home that night). At 11pm, i still hadn't heard from him, so i called him. He answered his phone with an attitude, saying "im giving you the key to the house, im moving out, i dont want to be with you anymore, so stop calling me." Then he turned his phone off. So, of course i was pissed off.

 

He was responsible for the lost earrings and didn't give a ****, then was breaking up with me for no reason whatsoever. So that is why i am spiteful.

 

He did assault me, left a hand print on my arm, disrespected me, and didn't give a ****. So that is where i am justified.

 

I have a friend who's a cop, so i talked to him, and he got the charges filed. The statements were "embellished" to make the complaint easier to get an arrest warrant. So, not being entirely truthful, I do feel bad about him having to go to jail. That is why i want to appologize. Life is too short for people to hold grudges, and i don't want him to hate me, becaus i would like to talk to him in the future (as friends only).

 

BTW-he told someone that he couldn't believe i would actually do something like that to him, which made me feel even worse...

 

So..how should i go about appologizing? How long should i wait to do it?? How can i come off as being sincere??

Or should i just let it go?

Any advice is greatly appreciated...

[Kwo-ne'-she]

 

He did assault me, left a hand print on my arm,

Was the handprint he left in self-defense? IE: pushing you away, holding you back so that you wouldn't strike him?

disrespected me, and didn't give a ****. So that is where i am justified.

I hope you aren't meaning those are justifiable reasons to get him thrown in jail.

I have a friend who's a cop, so i talked to him, and he got the charges filed. The statements were "embellished" to make the complaint easier to get an arrest warrant. So, not being entirely truthful, I do feel bad about him having to go to jail.

Shame on you, and the "cop" for embellishing things. If the simple truth was not enough to get him thrown in jail- he shouldn't be there.

That is why i want to appologize. Life is too short for people to hold grudges, and i don't want him to hate me, becaus i would like to talk to him in the future (as friends only).

 

BTW-he told someone that he couldn't believe i would actually do something like that to him, which made me feel even worse...

 

So..how should i go about appologizing? How long should i wait to do it?? How can i come off as being sincere??

Or should i just let it go?

Any advice is greatly appreciated...

You should apologize, immediately. And I hope you had the decency to get charges dropped. Domestic abuse is a very real issue, and it sounds as if you played things up out of spite.

[Guest]

Things are still alittle unclear on the confrontation. I have the same question as KNS. Did he grab you to hurt you or did he grab you to defend himself?

 

Obviously the embellishment was wrong. Isn't that really another word for lying?

 

Only you know if he assaulted you. If he didn't then drop the charges and apologise. That is if you are able to drop them. Alot of states the govt takes over and pursues the case whether the woman (or man) drops the charges or not.

[Quixotic]

No, hand print was not left in self-defense. When i told him to get his stuff and go to work, he started arguing with me, then he grabbed me (how the hand print got on my arm) and threw me into the door, telling me to leave the house. He initiated the violence.

 

Justifiable reason to get him arrested?? Putting his hands on me in the first place, which is disrespectful.

 

As far as the cop is concerned, he is familiar with my ex--He was arrested on 2 other occasions for assaulting/harrassing 2 other women. So i'm sure he wanted my ex to learn his lesson regarding how he should treat females, and maybe get some help with his issues. Plus, my ex broke a retraining order that i had to put on him last year, so he should have known not only to restrain from physically fighting with me, but don't be so stupid as to actually leave any marks(his hand print on my skin).

 

I tried to get charges dropped, but since there was an order of protection involved, The state proceeded with the charges.BTW, i got him an attorney to fight to case, but he didn't want to work with the lawyer, since he was mad at me-so he took a plea bargin from the DA.

 

You say domestic abuse is a very real issue--Are you impling that this is not a case of domestic abuse? He put his hands on me first,instead of having self control and walking away like a real man

[Carl321]

This relationship sounds to me as if it is way beyond repair--he is physically abusive and you are so vindictive as to fabricate details about your altercation to get him arrested? Basically zero chance this could ever result in a healthy relationship. Forget the apology, let him go and move on. Both of you have some serious issues that need to be resolved on your own.

[Kwo-ne'-she]

No, hand print was not left in self-defense. When i told him to get his stuff and go to work, he started arguing with me, then he grabbed me (how the hand print got on my arm) and threw me into the door, telling me to leave the house. He initiated the violence.

 

Justifiable reason to get him arrested?? Putting his hands on me in the first place, which is disrespectful.

Agreed. The putting his hands on you part. Being disrespectful, or making you mad, however, are not reasons. I was just trying to clear up the misunderstanding from the way it was worded.

As far as the cop is concerned, he is familiar with my ex--He was arrested on 2 other occasions for assaulting/harrassing 2 other women. So i'm sure he wanted my ex to learn his lesson regarding how he should treat females, and maybe get some help with his issues. Plus, my ex broke a retraining order that i had to put on him last year, so he should have known not only to restrain from physically fighting with me, but don't be so stupid as to actually leave any marks(his hand print on my skin).

If you had to lie or "embellish" what he did this time, not what he did last month, or last year, then no, he shouldn't be in jail. As for the restraining order...if it was still in existance, why were you with him? You mentioned in another post that you were living together, right?

I tried to get charges dropped, but since there was an order of protection involved, The state proceeded with the charges.

The restraining order you had filed? Yes, the state would pick it up. It's out of your hands now. I'm still trying to understand why you were living with him, when you had an RO against him....

 

You say domestic abuse is a very real issue--Are you impling that this is not a case of domestic abuse? He put his hands on me first,instead of having self control and walking away like a real man

I was not implying your case wasn't. I simply responded to you, and asked for clarification on some things that you had left out. Such as, were the marks on you left in self-defense. Had you attacked him, and he was only trying to restrain you, I wouldn't think much about it. A person is entitled to defend themselves. Since he laid his hands on you first, they obviously weren't in self defense.

 

One other thought, if a fight escalates, and you leave marks (even if he started it), you can be charged with co-combatant. Real women don't strike men either. It goes both ways.

[Trialbyfire]

This relationship sounds to me as if it is way beyond repair--he is physically abusive and you are so vindictive as to fabricate details about your altercation to get him arrested? Basically zero chance this could ever result in a healthy relationship. Forget the apology, let him go and move on. Both of you have some serious issues that need to be resolved on your own.

Spot on. Also, if you reciprocated the physical violence, even worse.

 

Seriously, move on. Some relationships are poison for both individuals.

[Quixotic]

He called me out of the blue one day, saying he wanted to try a relationship with me again. I still had feelings for him, so I thought maybe this time things would work...So that is why we moved in together.The only reason I got the RO on him last year was because he tried to have me arrested for harrassment (REAL REASON: I told his then-girlfriend he was cheating on her, and he got pissed off, so he filed a police report so i couldn't call him anymore. He told me he didnt want anything to do with me, but a week later, when his girlfriend dumped him, he came running back to me, calling me like crazy. He was acting psycho and i ended up going to the police to get the order of protection.)

 

But my question was How can I go about appologizing to him in a way that will keep the lines of communication open for us to someday be friends. I still care about him, and it would hurt to never talk to him again.

[Salicious Crumb]

Reasons why i had him arrested:

 

50% Spite----50% Justification. Which is why I'm conflicted.

 

Here's what happened--

 

We had just moved in together. One night we stayed up late (6am).

At 9am that morning, he got up, ranting & raving about how he had to go to work early that day, he said he wanted to go get coffee with me then drop me off where i needed to go that day(my car wasn't working then) (he is self-employed, so can go to work anytime he wants to, and rarely goes that early, so i was suspicious as to why he was trying to get me out of the house). I said since i only got 3 hours of sleep, i was tired, and was sleeping in that morning. I told him i'll get up later, and get my own ride to where i needed to go that day.I also told him if he's in such a rush to go to work, why was he arguing with me?-I said "get your **** together, and take your ass to work".

 

We began arguing and it turned physical.

 

Well should you both have been sent to jail? Did you slap him first? If so, then you should have gone to jail too.

 

If he started hitting you...then ok..it was justified. He should have went to jail.

 

So the only reason I can think that you would want to apologize is if you started the physical part of the fight.....did you?

 

And if he just started physically abusing you, then you were absolutely justified in turning him in and therefore you shouldn't have to apologise for a thing.

[Guest XYZ]

So He cheated on a g/f in the past.

 

You both have taken turns having each other arrested over false allegations of harrassment or embellished statements.

 

Is it just me or does this sound toxic all the way around? You both might refer to it as passionate but neither of you seem to be able to handle conflict very well.

 

I won't even get into wasting the cops' time when there are people out there who really need their help.

 

Is there anything remotely healthy and/or adult going on within the relationship?

[Quixotic]

No, I didn't start the physical fight. I will take some responsibility in the verbal argument, but he put his hands on me first. I didn't slap him; I didn't even touch him. He just got pissed off because I started arguing with him about why all of a sudden he had to go to work so early. Like I said, we were up all night, now wouldn't the fact that you're going to work early come up in a conversation at some point during the night?? I was suspicious, and he was trying to get me out of the house, as well, so WTF??? When I was asking him what the hell was going on, he began acting anxious, which in turn, made me even more suspicious & angry, so I was yelling more, but still never physically touched him. The argument snowballed into the physical fight. I told him to go to work if he supposedly had to be there so early, and since he wasn't going anywhere, he must be lying about work and trying to get me out of the house so he could go do something behind my back. He got mad grabbed me, threw me into the door, and told me to get out of the house.

[Quixotic]

So He cheated on a g/f in the past.

 

You both have taken turns having each other arrested over false allegations of harrassment or embellished statements.

 

Is it just me or does this sound toxic all the way around? You both might refer to it as passionate but neither of you seem to be able to handle conflict very well.

 

I won't even get into wasting the cops' time when there are people out there who really need their help.

 

Is there anything remotely healthy and/or adult going on within the relationship?

 

No, this relationship isnt healthy (but what relationship is 100% healthy?), but I do care about him, and wanted things to work out. That is why I am now regretting going to the police, because now I know he will most likely never want to hear from me again. It's not like he would walk in the door, beating me everyday and night, but I didnt want to send him the message that putting his hands on me was OK, and that I wouldn't do anything about it. I don't know, Im still conflicted as to if i did the right thing or not...

[sb129]

Is this the same guy you started posting about when you joined Quixotic?

 

Let it go- the guy is poison, and neither of you can take back what you have done to eachother.

 

I wouldn't even want him as a friend!

 

I think you may have known all along that you were burning your bridges of ever being friends again when you contacted your cop friend.

 

Its too late for any of that now.. move on chick.

[norajane]

No, this relationship isnt healthy (but what relationship is 100% healthy?)

 

Um, yeah, but most relationships aren't THIS unhealthy, either. You two are both way over the top.

[Quixotic]

The more i think about it, everyone is right, and i should move on. Thanks for all the input...