Guest Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 Ok, maybe this is just me, but I am having extreme trouble saying good bye to mm, although there is no future in it. If I end it I may be tempted to resume things in the future, and then it looks as if I am weak and running back, can't live without him and he will think "OK I'll have some of that" and have even less respect for me. If you sort of engineer it so that he finishes it (mention commitment, love etc), then it is up to him to miss you and if he contacts you in the future it will be because he regrets finishing it and he will have to offer you more than he was before. He will have had time to think, and he can't do that if you are in his life. You must let him see what his marriage is like without you in it. Really you are setting him free (or he is setting himself and you free), and it is only by doing this that you will find out if it is love. Because if it is love, it will come back and find you--I am certain of that.
norajane Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 If you know there is no future in it, trying to think of ways to manipulate him into being with you is a foolish and empty exercise. Don't worry about how you end it, just end it. Stop talking to him. Stop seeing him. And stop fantasizing about how things could be, because those things will never be. Take a good, hard look at your life and figure out what is missing in it, what you want out of life, and what you don't want - and then put a plan together to make your life what you want it to be. I'm sure hanging onto a MM forever is not how you want your life to be, hoping that he suddenly misses you, blah blah. He's married. He already has a life. You are just a side dish in it.
precious1357 Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 If you know there is no future in it, trying to think of ways to manipulate him into being with you is a foolish and empty exercise. Don't worry about how you end it, just end it. Stop talking to him. Stop seeing him. And stop fantasizing about how things could be, because those things will never be. Take a good, hard look at your life and figure out what is missing in it, what you want out of life, and what you don't want - and then put a plan together to make your life what you want it to be. I'm sure hanging onto a MM forever is not how you want your life to be, hoping that he suddenly misses you, blah blah. He's married. He already has a life. You are just a side dish in it. Whoa, "side dish" that sounds so terrible.
norajane Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 Whoa, "side dish" that sounds so terrible. It's true, though. He has a wife, maybe kids, a combined social network, family activities, house, family responsibilities, holidays, vacations, everything...and an OW on the side. She is not the "main course", but a side dish that he sneaks in when he can get away from the primary part of his life. OW, on the other hand, makes her relationship with MM a primary focus in her life....MM is a MUCH bigger part of her life than she is in his, and he takes on a more central role, especially since most OW can't just take him or leave him and are focused on having him around as much as possible and waiting for him to have a free moment for her.
YoMomma Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 Whoa, "side dish" that sounds so terrible. How about 'cake dish'...
frannie Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 Ok, maybe this is just me, but I am having extreme trouble saying good bye to mm, although there is no future in it. If I end it I may be tempted to resume things in the future, and then it looks as if I am weak and running back, can't live without him and he will think "OK I'll have some of that" and have even less respect for me. If you sort of engineer it so that he finishes it (mention commitment, love etc), then it is up to him to miss you and if he contacts you in the future it will be because he regrets finishing it and he will have to offer you more than he was before. He will have had time to think, and he can't do that if you are in his life. You must let him see what his marriage is like without you in it. Really you are setting him free (or he is setting himself and you free), and it is only by doing this that you will find out if it is love. Because if it is love, it will come back and find you--I am certain of that. Hello guest, are you talking about what you intend to do, giving suggestions or looking for input on your ideas..? I'm not sure... I don't see that talking love and commitment with an MM will get him to end it... from what I see most MM talk that way themselves often enough and I can't remember a MM ending an affair (without input from their W) no matter what the OW talks about or does (I'm prepared to be put right on that though!) When you talk about letting him miss you do you mean going NC (No Contact..?). There's a thread all about this somewhere on the board which discusses whether 'letting him miss you' is a good approach to 'getting him to leave'... Personally I don't rate it highly for various reasons I've written about before. I do agree with you, however, that having an OW makes a marriage far more bearable. From my own situation: just yesterday we were talking and he said that with me in his life he argues far less with his W, and there's a lot less tension, just huge silences and no communication... because he gets to talk to me twice a day and doesn't feel frustrated with her so often. But... last year I went NC for 4 months at a point where he said he was about to tell her he was leaving... he did nothing. Meanwhile I was STILL WAITING for him, NC or no NC! See what I mean..? If you go NC to get him to leave, you're wasting your own time. He'll still be stuck, you'll still be waiting... and you're getting none of the benefits of being in an affair, growing together, getting to know each other, and so on. Plus, what message does it send that if he won't do what you want you'll walk off until he does..? I don't think there's a great way to conduct things when you're in an affair... things will or won't happen, in their own good time, when the married person is good and ready and not before (and if it IS before, then he may well go right back again!). A lot of the time I think the OP is banging their head against a wall, getting frustrated and angry and hurt and feeling rejected when what they should do is either accept things as they are or walk away (again, in their own good time). Anything else seems like madness and an attempt to force someone else's hand... not good.
puddleofmud Posted March 3, 2007 Posted March 3, 2007 You may feel better about yourself if you wait until you are strong enough to do this without the aid of manipulation. If you aren't truly "ready" to end your relationship--then what's the use? You will just feel badly about it and that won't pacify your feelings because how you feel won't end. I would be the last person to say to someone to stay in an affair, BUT if you aren't ready with all your heart and soul to end it--then no matter what you do--it won't be over for you. This method may do nothing but create drama and thus via drama allow you to remain emotionally engaged. And doing so may allow your anger and frustration to fester and grow as opposed to you finding peaceful resolution within your own heart. No one can make this over but YOU. If you so choose to end things where you give the choice to others than you have negated the one chance you may have to stand up for yourself. Please don't rob yourself of self-respect and dignity. Wait a while and think about this before you rush to something you may regret.
GreenEyedLady Posted March 3, 2007 Posted March 3, 2007 If you don't want to stay in the R, just end it...decide that it is not meeting your needs...you may find that ending it on YOUR terms is empowering...
francis2007 Posted March 3, 2007 Posted March 3, 2007 Ok, maybe this is just me, but I am having extreme trouble saying good bye to mm, although there is no future in it. If I end it I may be tempted to resume things in the future, and then it looks as if I am weak and running back, can't live without him and he will think "OK I'll have some of that" and have even less respect for me. If you sort of engineer it so that he finishes it (mention commitment, love etc), then it is up to him to miss you and if he contacts you in the future it will be because he regrets finishing it and he will have to offer you more than he was before. He will have had time to think, and he can't do that if you are in his life. You must let him see what his marriage is like without you in it. Really you are setting him free (or he is setting himself and you free), and it is only by doing this that you will find out if it is love. Because if it is love, it will come back and find you--I am certain of that. Am in exactly the same boat hun! you think if you let him go he wont come back! Well i know it is the best thing to do is this but it is hard when your heart is controlling your head! listen the best way i think and what am trying to do is just get on with your life with him let him do what he wants, cause as soon as we have the confidence and self respect back we will drop them and thats when you will find out what he really thinks of you. Revenge is sweet ha ha and all that
francis2007 Posted March 3, 2007 Posted March 3, 2007 i am getting used to this site slowly ha ha. Listen am in same boat, you are scared to let go cause you love him and you are scared he wont come back? Well i deceided to get my life back together whilst he is still in my life and the get my confidence and self respect back then get rid! hurt less( i hope) when you drop him if he really really wanted you he would fight for you back and maybe even commit?! if thats what want! even if he doesnt come back you have got your life back and not all that bothered!(maybe wrong choice of words)but basically he is treating you like this cause he can when you shaow him you have a life then it will hurt him. aND YOU DONT KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT:o
frannie Posted March 3, 2007 Posted March 3, 2007 If you aren't truly "ready" to end your relationship--then what's the use? You will just feel badly about it and that won't pacify your feelings because how you feel won't end. I would be the last person to say to someone to stay in an affair, BUT if you aren't ready with all your heart and soul to end it--then no matter what you do--it won't be over for you. This method may do nothing but create drama and thus via drama allow you to remain emotionally engaged. HA... PoM makes many many great posts on this forum... and personally I think this is one of the best. Relationships have their own energy... their own need to be, a beginning middle and end... and it's really no use rushing them. They're about the heart... not the head... unless why would any of us be here..? And until the heart has had done with it, 'ending it' is only a couple of words meaningless as 'i love you' when spoken but not felt. "these things take time"... ... and they really do.
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