Guest Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 Do you think that some mm behave badly towards OW (not calling when they say they will, etc) because they are testing them out as to how much shoddy treatment they will accept? Or is it because the mm are showing them that they are in control and they will dictate things? Or is it because deep down they do not have much respect for the OW, and they give them the treament they think they deserve. My mm used to bang the phone down on me sometimes (before I could speak), and then I would actually go to his place of work and he would be pleased that I made the effort and he would arrange to see me. What is that all about? Control I suppose. I am coming to the rapid conclusion that the ONLY way to find out what he really thinks of you is to end things because YOU cannot accept being second best. Don't you think that will make him think about what he is doing and what you really do mean to him. IF he can have the w and the OW, and it is fairly easy to continue with you on the side, why should he make any major changes in his life. Just a thought.
Salicious Crumb Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 Do you think that some mm behave badly towards OW Well...duh...if he is married and cheating, he is not a man...he is a complete bastard.
Jinxx Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 Not all MM treat their OW that way. It does appear your MM is a bit controlling and knows exactly how to manipulate you to get what he wants.
yousaveme Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 Like Jinxx stated not all MM behave like that. There isnt a blanket statement for a MM or a OW. Everyone is different and Every relationship is equally different
YoMomma Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 Do you think that some mm behave badly towards OW (not calling when they say they will, etc) because they are testing them out as to how much shoddy treatment they will accept? My mm used to bang the phone down on me sometimes (before I could speak), and then I would actually go to his place of work and he would be pleased that I made the effort and he would arrange to see me. What is that all about? Control I suppose. He sounds like a real catch All MM behave badly just by BEING married men who cheat - BUT not all MM treat their OW like dirt! Just a hint, the only reason he made an effort to see you when YOU showed up at his job is because he was trying to avoid a scene. Duh... as my ten year old would say!
kymberann Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 Don't you think that will make him think about what he is doing and what you really do mean to him. Does it really matter in the end to "make him think" what he is doing or what he thinks about you/us/? If you I or anyone else knows it isn't the best most healthiest thing to be involved in then the best option would be to get out!
frannie Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 Do you think that some mm behave badly towards OW (not calling when they say they will, etc) because they are testing them out as to how much shoddy treatment they will accept? Or is it because the mm are showing them that they are in control and they will dictate things? Or is it because deep down they do not have much respect for the OW, and they give them the treament they think they deserve. My mm used to bang the phone down on me sometimes (before I could speak), and then I would actually go to his place of work and he would be pleased that I made the effort and he would arrange to see me. What is that all about? Control I suppose. Well as others have said, not every MM behaves like that, nor even the majority. Look at it this way, if every time he bangs the phone down you go trotting round to his work, he's trained you (and you've trained him) to relate to each other in exactly that way. If he wants you round, he bangs the phone down! These situations take two people: if you won't accept that behaviour, or you do something different in response, then either he has to change, or it's over. But to be honest... if he's controlling AND a MM... I think the chances of a good result are minimal... jmho.
precious1357 Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 I agree with 'yousaveme'. Every relationship is different just as the people involved. My MM is really very nice to me, extremely gentle and loving. He has been in a good marriage, to a good person, however he is unfulfilled. We are not children nor young adults. I do not want him to leave his W, I just love him.
whichwayisup Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 Sure, your MM may be nice to you and treats you well, but he still is selfish to have you in his life, stay married to his wife and betray his whole family.
puddleofmud Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 Certainly not a bad thought as any woman who values herself and what she has to offer SHOULD be desired, chased, courted and more importantly: see "shoddy" treatment as the singular "test" of a relationship. If the treatment is "shoddy" than why bother? If YOU are the one doing all the "work" than why bother? And you're quite correct as this is a control issue about which a lady would naturally become tired and quite B-O-R-E-D. One can dress up and go out and entice many single available men who won't take one for granted! Chasing a few of those may prove to be much more fun and rewarding than the current "challenge" in which you now find yourself! Or even sitting around at home eating popcorn with a movie.... Do you think that some mm behave badly towards OW (not calling when they say they will, etc) because they are testing them out as to how much shoddy treatment they will accept? Or is it because the mm are showing them that they are in control and they will dictate things? Or is it because deep down they do not have much respect for the OW, and they give them the treament they think they deserve. My mm used to bang the phone down on me sometimes (before I could speak), and then I would actually go to his place of work and he would be pleased that I made the effort and he would arrange to see me. What is that all about? Control I suppose. I am coming to the rapid conclusion that the ONLY way to find out what he really thinks of you is to end things because YOU cannot accept being second best. Don't you think that will make him think about what he is doing and what you really do mean to him. IF he can have the w and the OW, and it is fairly easy to continue with you on the side, why should he make any major changes in his life. Just a thought.
Guest Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 thanks for the advice. I know the "why bother with him" and walk away is the easiest answer, but do you think there is any mileage in telling him in no uncertain terms about his behaviour. Is he even aware that his behaviour is shoddy? He has got issues deep within. When he was at work he would nearly always turn up late for a meeting and I think this is so rude. He would do it as a matter of course. I went to pick him up one evening at his office and we agreed that I would be there in 10 minutes which I was. It was November and cold. After 30 minutes he came out and I was pretty cross. He was apologetic but said that I should have called him from a call box (he knew my cell was at home), and told him to get a move on. I thought WTF you can't even take a note of the time on your watch and add on 10 minutes. No it suited him to stay, he knew I would be waiting and he really didn't give a stuff and it was his idea that I picked him up. Then he tries to make it my fault for not going the extra distance and call him!! Why is it that when alarm bells were ringing, red flags everywhere, I ignored them. When his son was at college out of state, my mm wouldn't speak to him when he phoned home for quite a while, because he thought that his son should phone home more often. He didn't tell his son this-he had to figure it out for himself, or else the wife might have told the son. I think this is shoddy treatment of his son and he should have told him over the phone. More to the point, why didn't the son want to phone home more frequently? So, if you sit down with him and spell out his crap behaviour and say that you don't have to put up with it--will that help? The trouble is that my mm doesn't like being told what to do by anything and he might just erupt and then I would feel even worse. So what do you reckon?
overandout Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 Guest, I think your mm is a real manipulator with serious issues that all revolve around HIM and his needs. He even tries to manipulate and control his son, so he will have no hesitation in doing it to you. He wants people to go the extra mile for him although he doesn't even meet them half way. He shows his displeasure with people through actions rather than words. The problem with this is that actions can often be misinterpreted by people. Those on the receiving end can be confused, and so they are left wondering "why?" and the attention then goes back on HIM as they try and figure out what he is up to. I guess that he is probably ignored and feels undervalued at home. His response to this is to make other people feel they are not valued through his actions. He is an attention seeker and he hopes his actions will get a response so that he can feel valued and important, even though people are reacting to his negative behaviour. He sounds a bit unstable and I am not sure if anyone--you or his son-will ever have a fulfilling relationship with him. He is also unpredictable and unreliable and I would guess that he has low self esteem himself. I would definitely be on my way out of this affair, although I know it I easier said than done.
whichwayisup Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 Why is it that when alarm bells were ringing, red flags everywhere, I ignored them. That is a good question you really need to analyze on your own. Maybe get some counselling in to help you get to a point in your life that you CAN leave this MM. IF you stay, you are enabling him, the way he treats you. You're settling for less, and you deserve much more! Though you are not going to get it from him, ever.
overandout Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 Guest, I forgot the bit about you telling him about his behaviour. Well I wouldn't if I were you. You are just giving him he attention that he craves. He may change for a bit but I bet that he goes back to his same old behaviour because that is how he gets his ego fed. He knows about his behaviour too, but he chooses to act in that way. To be honest, the best thing to do with someone like him is to ignore him, especially if you have always given him attention in the past. Break your habit. He will not like that I can assure you, but I really don't know why you would want to continue with him anyway.
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