No Contact

[ruby_gloom]

There's something I don't understand about NC:

 

Why is it so hard for some people to do?

 

I don't mean this to sound like a criticism in any way, so please don't take offence--I just really don't understand why it's hard to go "NC" with an ex SO.

 

I've read many threads where people talk about how difficult it is for them fo begin and maintain NC with their ex, and I just don't understand why that is.

 

To be fair, I have to admit that I don't remember whether I had this problem or not in the past, but I don't think so.

 

I mean, for me, keeping contact would be the hard part, not NC. I simply figure that if I'm talking to my exbf, knowing what he's doing and who he's doing, I simply wouldn't be able to bear it. In contrast, if I'm practicing NC, then I don't know anything.

 

Can someone please explain why it would be difficult to not remain in contact with an ex SO?

 

I don't understand it and I would like to.

[bubbalump]

I love NC as it helps me to heal, and as you said , removes me from knowing what my EX is up too. I will say that I started NC while she wanted to remain friends, and i know its what i need to fully heal. I wont lie though, there have been times when i have wanted to call her and she how she is doing. I have not acted on these feelings as they pass quickly.

 

I think that once you start NC, it gets easier by the day.

[Am4Real]

I love NC as it helps me to heal, and as you said , removes me from knowing what my EX is up too. I will say that I started NC while she wanted to remain friends, and i know its what i need to fully heal. I wont lie though, there have been times when i have wanted to call her and she how she is doing. I have not acted on these feelings as they pass quickly.

 

I think that once you start NC, it gets easier by the day.

 

You are right; it does get easier every day. Most importantly, NC is meant to heal thyself and that too progresses with time.

 

To answer the original question as to why some find it so difficult to maintain NC, I can't, the question is unique to each person and each situation and although we could make supposition on the reasons, none of us are those people.

 

I can only offer reasoning for instigating NC and support for maintaining it if [highlight]healing is the goal[/highlight].

 

All the best,

 

Am4Real

[kitten chick]

I think you have a valid question. I don't necessarily promote NC, I'm not quite sure it's the cure all, but there is something to the theory in that it will help you break a habit and get some distance.

 

I also think there are a variety of reasons that some people have difficulty maintaining NC, especially depending on whether it was an amicable breakup or not.

 

If you have two people who love each other but have come to realize that they are not right for each other in the long term or have just grown apart, you have two people who care about each other and it's difficult to just cut someone that you love out of your life.

 

You also have people who have been together for a long time and the other person has become a habit to them. Imagine having the person that you turn to most all of a sudden yanked away. There is a need for intimacy by that person that they will look to fill somewhere else or shut down. If they are not having that need fulfilled then they may feel the urge to turn back to the person that had been fulfilling that need in their recent past.

 

It may be a case where it is a nasty breakup or one party just disappears and leaves a lot of open issues. The other party may feel the need to contact the original party because they are trying to gain closure and tie up loose ends.

 

I think the answers could continue depending on the tons of different situations but I would think basically, habit, a search for closure and a need for intimacy and support that isn't being fulfilled.

[Guest]

I think you have a valid question. I don't necessarily promote NC, I'm not quite sure it's the cure all, but there is something to the theory in that it will help you break a habit and get some distance.

 

I also think there are a variety of reasons that some people have difficulty maintaining NC, especially depending on whether it was an amicable breakup or not.

 

If you have two people who love each other but have come to realize that they are not right for each other in the long term or have just grown apart, you have two people who care about each other and it's difficult to just cut someone that you love out of your life.

 

You also have people who have been together for a long time and the other person has become a habit to them. Imagine having the person that you turn to most all of a sudden yanked away. There is a need for intimacy by that person that they will look to fill somewhere else or shut down. If they are not having that need fulfilled then they may feel the urge to turn back to the person that had been fulfilling that need in their recent past.

 

It may be a case where it is a nasty breakup or one party just disappears and leaves a lot of open issues. The other party may feel the need to contact the original party because they are trying to gain closure and tie up loose ends.

 

I think the answers could continue depending on the tons of different situations but I would think basically, habit, a search for closure and a need for intimacy and support that isn't being fulfilled.

 

Kit, basically you are saying exactly what Am4Real just pointed out -- there are so many reasons and variables for people to either beleive or break NC. The common beleif as 4Real points out is for healing and usually the person insisting on NC is the the one most in need of moving on and getting over the past.

[stace79]

For me, relationships are like a drug addiction. I tend to be "addicted" to that person. For instance, when he and I "took a break" we agreed not to see each other in person for a few weeks. As time went on, it got easier because I wasn't expecting to see him at all. But when we finally agreed to spend an evening together having dinner and watching movies, all the same feelings came back in a rush, and then I had a hard time the next days getting "used to" not seeing him all over again.

 

So, now that I know he and I are not getting back together, it is easier for me to go "cold turkey" and just stop seeing or talking to him all together. There have actually been studies that love and relationships can have the same chemical reactions as drug addictions. It kills me because for the past year he has been the one I call with good news or bad news. I got used to talking to him each night before bed and wishing each other good night. It's just hard. Yes, the memories I have are good, but they're bittersweet because I know that that part of my life is over now. It's like when someone dies. You have to grieve, but in these instances you COULD still talk to the person because they haven't died. But I know it's unhealthy to maintain contact right now. Anyway that is my two cents.

[Am4Real]

For me, relationships are like a drug addiction. I tend to be "addicted" to that person. For instance, when he and I "took a break" we agreed not to see each other in person for a few weeks. As time went on, it got easier because I wasn't expecting to see him at all. But when we finally agreed to spend an evening together having dinner and watching movies, all the same feelings came back in a rush, and then I had a hard time the next days getting "used to" not seeing him all over again.

 

So, now that I know he and I are not getting back together, it is easier for me to go "cold turkey" and just stop seeing or talking to him all together. There have actually been studies that love and relationships can have the same chemical reactions as drug addictions. It kills me because for the past year he has been the one I call with good news or bad news. I got used to talking to him each night before bed and wishing each other good night. It's just hard. Yes, the memories I have are good, but they're bittersweet because I know that that part of my life is over now. It's like when someone dies. You have to grieve, but in these instances you COULD still talk to the person because they haven't died. But I know it's unhealthy to maintain contact right now. Anyway that is my two cents.

 

These are a very good two cents worth by-the-way and one of the primary reasons for NC when used for healing. As you pointed out, each time contact is made whether welcomed or not, it's quite easy to return to square one and begin healing all over again.

 

The original question from the starting poster seemed to imply it was easy to maintain NC and questioned why it may not be for others, I beleive your reason or need or "used to it" (as you point out) is one that may answer the question based on the complexities with emotional ties in a split. It's like surviving the death of a loved one that you know is still alive and may want -- only you cannot! Thank you for sharing.

[stace79]

I'm glad if anyone can benefit from some of my misery.

 

Sadly for me I'm barely 24 hours into NC, and I'm struggling already. One thing that helped me is that yesterday when I was so angry and made the decision I typed an entry in my blog. Today I have gone back to that to read it so many times to remind myself why this is the best decision.

 

It's so easy to fall into the trap of remembering only the good. I have kept my cell phone off as much as possible to avoid temptation should he call, and I blocked him on AIM. I know soon he will start trying to contact me, especially b/c once he made me promise not to block him on AIM, that if I didn't want to talk he wouldn't contact me. But I think this gets my point across much better.

 

Anyway hope my perspective helps everyone. I know it helps me to be able to share.

[suchislife]

This last time it was hard for me because I was used to hearing from him, he would contact me morning, noon, night - I looked forward to it, and then....nothing. He said it was my fault (!!) for thinking it was more. Read my former posts - I certainly know what my instincts were telling me.

Anyway...

 

He initiated the last fews months of contact, mainly because I started noticing a pattern - he would get really close - and then pull away. So, I would respond only after he contacted me.

 

I haven't heard from him for about 2.5 months. I stopped trying after a month.

 

Today, it was hard. This weekend will be the anniversary of our first date. I just don't see how someone could expend the energy and all of a sudden, cut it off with nothing to say.

 

That's why NC is hard. I would like to know why, although I already know the answer. He was afraid. But then, I think of how much fun we could be having right now, and that makes me feel terrible.

 

I do think about him less and less, and don't really want someone that has some issues, but, we were really close there for a while, and I would have felt much better if he had just been able to talk to me - closure...

 

Everybody needs different things to click for them to move on. Him being honest with me would have done that, and NC would not be hard for me. Then again, that's why he didn't do it. He still wants it to be open.

 

I'm not contacting him. I want someone who wants me.

[amy98ta]

I am also 24 hours into a no contact. It is hard cause I was so used to calling him when I was bored or had something to share. You miss talking to someone that you talked to so often. I hope I can continue this no contact. Maybe we need a no contact support group?

[guin_girl]

I had a month of no contact and then received an email from him that I ignored about an upcoming game, and then saw him at the game, but didn't react to him. Got an angry VM that night about ignoring him and then requesting his stuff back. I made the decision to email him back and set up a meeting at a bar across the street from the next game. It went down last night (see my thread I started today under coping)...

 

now I'm back to NC... It hurts, I miss him... But it will be easier this time I think, cause his stuff is no longer here... but I still would love to know why he just disappeared on me a month ago... That would be the closure that KC was talking about... but I have never ever asked him why... he just stopped contacting me and I never reached out to find out why... But man would I love to know!!

[Am4Real]

It went down last night (see my thread I started today under coping)...

 

Hey there GG,

 

I'll check your other thread...

 

Am4Real

[Stewart]

Hi,

 

I've just joined here, and its been helpful to read that there are people out there experiencing similiar things as I am!

 

My view on NC is I find it VERY hard. I'm currently going through a break-up from someone I was with for over a year and we're trying the whole NC things. I find it hard because this girl was everything to me, I never wanted to be without her. I always wanted to be in contact with her when I wasn't with her, and I always wanted to know what she was doing, because I hate feeling left out. Yes, I was obsessed, which was the reason she ended it.

 

NC is hard because, for me at least, because there's always this nagging thought in the back of your mind saying "is she having fun right now? Am I missing out here?". NC is hard as well because it sometimes makes us feel alone, and particularly if this person was the one person you ever wanted to be with.

 

NC is just unavoidably hard for certain people, but I hope by the end of my NC with my ex, she'll see that I can give her space and hopefully things will change. If they don't, at least I'll have had a chance to move on, if only very slightly.

[Yernasia Quorelios]

I'm not contacting him. I want someone who wants me.

Amen to that

[Icantletgo]

It's hard for me cause he was my best friend. I told him everything and he was the first to know everything. He was the last person i talked to at night. And so doing that everyday for 3 years to not talking to him at all is hard. Although the relationship didn't work out, he was such a big part of my life that it's hard to just STOP cold turkey. I know there will be one day where i realize that he doesn't deserve my time but right now so fresh off a breakup it's completely hard.

[magichands]

"No contact" is scary when you think that you may never see that person again. Maybe not scary, but what if you never, ever said another word to each other? Didn't even hear about their funeral, or they about yours. That's it. No contact. Forever.

[Stewart]

Hi,

 

I'm new here, joined because I'm going through a break-up and its comforting to read that other people are experiencing similiar things as I.

 

My girlfriend broke up with me about 3 weeks ago, and its been hard to accept it ever since. I suggested we try a "break" from each other as she said she wants to be "just friends", but it didn't last for long because I was weak and continuously texted her, even meeting up with her on many occasions, almost every day in fact. She didn't help by appearing enthusiastic about meeting up, but to her we were meeting up as friends, to me we were meeting up as two people that were trying to get back together. This messes with the mind!

 

This only caused me more pain because a) I'm not ready to be friends yet, b) I couldn't bare to be around her and not be able to do all those things I took for granted like holding hands, kissing etc, and c) it was having a completely negative effect on me accepting the reality of the situation, she felt like my girlfriend when I was with her, yet I knew she wasn't. My heart was saying one thing, my brain another. And a heart is 1000 times more powerful than a brain (not to get too poetic here).

 

Last Friday we met up during college for a coffee, and I told her that I will really try to give her space this time, meaning NC initiated by me in any form for about a month. This way, I will have hopefully accepted things a bit more by the end of it. If she changes her mind at the end of the month about us, then great, if not, at least I'll have had some time without her to move on, if only a little bit.

 

NC is hard, for me at least, because I'm always thinking "what's she doing now? Is she having fun?". Its a feeling of being left out, because this was a person I've shared a lot with, a person who I always wanted to be with. Its hard because I simply miss her, I want to be with her right now... but I know this is the worse thing I could do.

 

NC is hard for the heart to accept, and its your brain you should listen to in times like this, as hard as that may be, that's what I have learnt over the past few weeks.

[Am4Real]

NC is hard, for me at least, because I'm always thinking "what's she doing now? Is she having fun?". Its a feeling of being left out, because this was a person I've shared a lot with, a person who I always wanted to be with. Its hard because I simply miss her, I want to be with her right now... but I know this is the worse thing I could do.

 

NC is hard for the heart to accept, and its your brain you should listen to in times like this, as hard as that may be, that's what I have learnt over the past few weeks.

 

Hello Stewart,

 

I’m sorry to hear about your situation and perhaps the agonizing thoughts that live with you about your EX and what she may be doing, etc.

 

For the time being while you are in the healing process this is normal, please do not think of it as a concern unless you are acting out anything obsessively. The heart and mind do heal independently as you have discovered. The mind being what is can reason with logic, facts and related experiences. In other words it learns and adapts. The heart is altogether different; when it comes to relationships it is plainly dumb and practically has to be forced to comply with the brain. In this forcefulness the heart is working overtime in an attempt to convince the brain it is wrong. We know this is so and we also see times where the brain momentarily succumbs to the heart (as you may have read in other posts here on LS) and someone in a state of weakness or whatever breaks NC.

 

Many of us are in this transition and find ourselves less concerned with the EX and their whereabouts as time passes, however "time" is measured different by all of us. I wish you the best but encourage you to define “what it is you really want” since it is this guidance the brain and mind need to lead the heart to safety!

 

Stay strong,

 

Am4Real

[Stewart]

Hello Stewart,

 

I’m sorry to hear about your situation and perhaps the agonizing thoughts that live with you about your EX and what she may be doing, etc.

 

For the time being while you are in the healing process this is normal, please do not think of it as a concern unless you are acting out anything obsessively. The heart and mind do heal independently as you have discovered. The mind being what is can reason with logic, facts and related experiences. In other words it learns and adapts. The heart is altogether different; when it comes to relationships it is plainly dumb and practically has to be forced to comply with the brain. In this forcefulness the heart is working overtime in an attempt to convince the brain it is wrong. We know this is so and we also see times where the brain momentarily succumbs to the heart (as you may have read in other posts here on LS) and someone in a state of weakness or whatever breaks NC.

 

Many of us are in this transition and find ourselves lest concerned as time passes however time is measured different by all of us. I wish you the best but encourage you to define “what it is you really want” since it is this guidance the brain and mind need to guide the heart!

 

Stay strong,

 

Am4Real

 

Thank you for your reply and encouraging words. Its always helpful when someone else tells you what you need to hear, and those last two words you wrote there are very important!

 

Its going to be tough though, because we go to the same college and may end up bumping into one another quite often, unless I try and avoid it, and then there's the fact that I'll probably see her at parties.

 

For example, this coming Friday there's a pub party for someone's birthday that I'll be going to, and I'm 100% certain she'll be there as well. I don't know how I'm going to handle this? I know I shouldn't ignore her, but if I'm with her and talking to her, its not going to help me at all... and I really want to go to this party! (plus there's the fact that her ex boyfriend will be there, which I was never able to handle very well in the first place, so it may be doubly as hard knowing she's not with me).

 

How do I handle this? How do I show her that I'm not ignoring her, but also showing her that I can give her space? HELP!!

 

 

[edit] I guess another reason why NC is hard, again, for me at least, is this underlying feeling that because they are not contacting you, it feels like they have forgotten about you, and its tempting to remind them you still exist! That's another reason why I find it so hard to keep NC [edit]

[guin_girl]

For example, this coming Friday there's a pub party for someone's birthday that I'll be going to, and I'm 100% certain she'll be there as well. I don't know how I'm going to handle this? I know I shouldn't ignore her, but if I'm with her and talking to her, its not going to help me at all... and I really want to go to this party! (plus there's the fact that her ex boyfriend will be there, which I was never able to handle very well in the first place, so it may be doubly as hard knowing she's not with me).

 

I just went through the "integrated friends" meeting... So I know the anxiety you are feeling. The best thing to do is bring a good friend with you. Someone that knows the story that can keep you occupied and engaged. You want to appear calm, cool and collected. The person that I took with me did an incredible job of keeping the conversation going. I also had a list of topics in my head to discuss with my friend that helped me keep up my side of the conversation too.

 

I didn't ignore, but if we did meet eyes, just smile and wave (on the first eye connection, if you keep waving, you will look like a weirdo ). Other than that, just continue on as if she's just an acquaintance. if she does come up to you, don't get into any conversations that are "meaty", just something superficial... this is not the time or place for anything serious.

 

You can do it...

[Stewart]

I just went through the "integrated friends" meeting... So I know the anxiety you are feeling. The best thing to do is bring a good friend with you. Someone that knows the story that can keep you occupied and engaged. You want to appear calm, cool and collected. The person that I took with me did an incredible job of keeping the conversation going. I also had a list of topics in my head to discuss with my friend that helped me keep up my side of the conversation too.

 

I didn't ignore, but if we did meet eyes, just smile and wave (on the first eye connection, if you keep waving, you will look like a weirdo ). Other than that, just continue on as if she's just an acquaintance. if she does come up to you, don't get into any conversations that are "meaty", just something superficial... this is not the time or place for anything serious.

 

You can do it...

 

 

So look as though I'm in control and be pleasant to her? I'll try as hard as I can to stick to that, because I know its going to be easier said than done... but, as you said, I can do it. I've got to!

 

Thanks guin girl.

[surfnbro74]

I second that. just act like you are cool, calm and moved on. dont ignore her if you have eye contact just smile and say "hi" and go bout your way.

 

At least yall have the option to have NC. I wish I can have that option to have NC with my ex wife but we a 3 yrs old child together. So, I feel like Im never gonna heal from this seperation cuz I still have to talk to her and sometimes meet up with her for the child sake. I feel so stuck and this sucks.

 

I REALLY wished I can have this option to go NC to heal...so if you look at my situation you are in better position to move on faster. Yall lucky that yall dont have kids involved during this crazy times. I wish everyone the best!

[insuchamess]

NC is hard because its a change from what you're used to.

 

im used to talking to the person im doing NC from now nearly everyday, and sharing everything with each other.

 

its also hard for other reasons, like the person im doing NC from is my best mate and he doesnt know that im doing NC for a start, im sayin my computer is broken and i dont have any credit on my phone, hoping he wont contact me so i can get some distance.

 

im not really having any problems with NC on my end, im fine not contacting him, its just trying to make it look like im not ignoring someone when i am, and how long i can keep it going for (e.g. theres only so long u can have no credit on ur fone or ur comp can be broken for!)

 

i hate unrequited love. it should be shot.

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

I simply figure that if I'm talking to my exbf, knowing what he's doing and who he's doing, I simply wouldn't be able to bear it. Can someone please explain why it would be difficult to not remain in contact with an ex SO?

 

Because I still love him and I want to know everything about him.

 

I don't care if he is with someone else, I don't care if he doesn't love me in the same way, I don't care.

 

I still want to know everything about him, how he feels, and to know that if I can be of any support to him in any way I will.

 

But since I can't talk to him, I just have to read his old posts. How sad is that. But still, it is his voice...

 

Ariadne

[jaycie724]

You also have people who have been together for a long time and the other person has become a habit to them. Imagine having the person that you turn to most all of a sudden yanked away. There is a need for intimacy by that person that they will look to fill somewhere else or shut down. If they are not having that need fulfilled then they may feel the urge to turn back to the person that had been fulfilling that need in their recent past.

 

It may be a case where it is a nasty breakup or one party just disappears and leaves a lot of open issues. The other party may feel the need to contact the original party because they are trying to gain closure and tie up loose ends.

 

I think you've summed it up pretty well, at least how it applies to me. I have an ex who was my first and only big relationship for 6.5 years. We were engaged for a year, I was planning my wedding, finishing school, and everything seemed set for my future then he just pulled the rug out from under me and broke up with me because he "had feelings" for a coworker. I found out less than a week ago that they've been having an affair for over two months. He's been everying to me for so long that the thought of being without him - no texts, phone calls, etc - makes me feel so hopeless and scared. I can't explain it. I just cants seem to get going on this no contact thing. Of course, I have to get him out of my apartment first. But I never thought I would be "one of those girls" who just hangs on an ex who treats her like crap, I just cant seem to help myself. It's SO hard.

 

But that's just me, that's why no contact is so hard for me.