Not sure what to think?

[slave to a Savior]

I'm going to try to be as honest with you--and my heart--here as possible, on this one. It's something that has been bothering me a bit lately, and I want to get it out. I also want some unbiased insight, since friends of mine either can't sympathise, or they sympathise too well that rather than seeing my situation, they only see their own in it.

 

Last summer, I almost married. He broke it off a night before because of a fight I had with my mother. My attitude frightened him and there were a lot of other things that had built up that he was too afraid to out with; they came crashing down on him that night, so it must have been bad enough that he was willing to enter the pain of breaking up at such a crutial moment. I won't lie; I was a...for lack of better words, a bitch, too inexperienced, too teenager-ish, completely expected that he could bear the weight because of love. His attempts in the relationship to tell me that there was something wrong were overmined both by my tendancy to turn it around and say "I can't help that, that's just me," or his determination to "suck it up" and not show that our relationship was hurting. It didn't help that others around us saw that things weren't quite perfect and told us to rethink things; we were further determined to press on with the wedding to prove them wrong.

 

It was a long-distance relationship, with him in Canada and myself in the States, on the other side of the country. This caused some pressure because when I DID go out for the wedding, there could be no postponing; invitations were sent out and I couldn't certainly overstay my temporary visa in the country, for obvious legal reasons.

 

All of the things that follow a break-up of this calibur that can be expected, happened. I begged and pleeded and persistantly said no. I went for days without eating because I couldn't. I was insanely depressed--and insane in general, and I did stalkeresque things that further pushed him from me because of the immense pain and inability to let go.

 

And then I just did. I let go because about four months later, he found love with someone else. It was probably a rebound relationship because it didn't last more than two weeks, but I had a final bout of pain, then I snapped out of it. And I went two whole months OK--for the most part.

 

A statement to make right now, and something to be considered for those of you who are in this with me: We were Christians. (If you aren't in this with me, please be empathetic; I'm not here for a debate.) It was through him that the Lord led me to Christ, so breaking up with the fiance caused this relationship with God to be momentarily challenged, but in the long run, *extremely* strengthened! In the relationship, I put my fiance first and weighed on him the things that I should have given God. Without him, I could rely on nothing else but God because I HAD nothing else but God. I used to want to be an english teacher; now my heart is calling me into missions, possibly as a journalist. In so many ways this has affected and changed me, I say that with utmost confidence and thorough honesty -- I have never felt more rejuvinated, happier despite the facts in my life, and I can hardly keep up with God. Every day I feel like I'm falling in love, but it's so much better than romance.

 

...The trouble is, lately I've been thinking about him again--about the ex. He is ok with talking to me, but we talk like strangers. We talk about things that happen at my work. (He seldom talks about himself or shares his personal life, though I try and prod for him to.) I wish I could share with him what the Lord has done for my life, how happy I am ... But part of me is afraid he won't care, or worse -- that he won't believe me. I want him to be happy for me, and I want to think that part of him still *does* care because it wouldn't be natural to suddenly stop feeling anything in the world for someone ... But he doesn't show this. The conversations go well and light-hearted enough, but I'm the one carrying them. I can't remember if that's just how things always were, but I know he used to be more open about things. Even before we dated, he could tell me how he felt.

 

...And a small part of me wants him back. I'm not about to out and say it to him, because this led to discomfort, borderline hostility in the past, where a nice moment instantly becomes disagreeable, like if I say one more "wrong thing" he'll block me over messenger or change his e-mail or something. I'm not about to tread on that ground. But I DO want him to see what's in my heart for what it is, not what he thinks. (I almost feel like he's decieved himself--or others have decieved him--into thinking that I'm doing this to be manipulative, that I'm "using God" to try to appeal to him and that it's all fake.) Nothing could be further from the truth, but you know there's just no convincing someone that. But the truth is that all of the things that I did wrong are in clear sight for me. The truth is that my heart has been so entirely reformed that I don't merely believe--I KNOW I could go at a relationship with an entirely fresh, enduring, determined and loving and respectful take, even if he didn't! And the truth is that while I try and look at other possibilities, there's no chemistry. There's just ... not in other people what there was in him. My heart craves that companionship so desparately, and I'm tired of thinking about it and dreaming about it and not being free from it.

 

I just don't know whether the actual instance of it would be realistic. Consider how he's reacted in the past. Consider how far we are apart physically (I'm back on the east coast whereas he lives out west,) and how awkward it would be for his family and everything, in the unlikely chance that it DID happen ...

 

One more thing. He doesn't quite realise it (he had hidden it from me, in fact,) but I've been checking his blog every now and then, to see how his life is--(so the stalker tendancies hasn't really gone away, but can you blame me for wondering?)--and if possibly I've been on his mind. And in one of his most recent blogs, he talked about how lonely he was. How he doesn't think he can ever have back what he had with me. Not that he WANTS to be back with me, but he just ... feels like he gave up too soon. Part of me wants to go ... "It's not too late! Because I'm still here, and you wouldn't believe it if you saw it with your own eyes but there's something new about life, something so new and envigorating and fresh and I want to share it with you, and it wouldn't be, not for a moment, what it used to!"

 

I know I sound foolish, and I know every single one of you must be shaking your heads. First and foremost because I'm looking into things that weren't even directed at me--things that aren't even being said to me or were meant for me to see. But also because "People don't change" and "things wouldn't be better" and all of those things that people like to say ... I also know that his heart would have to be in it, and I'm not so sure it is. Because he hasn't said a thing like it. He's in a rush to talk to my best friend (who discourages me from even thinking about him because of her experience in the past, and I know she wouldn't tell me what he says to her because she doesn't want it to make me any crazier than I already am--) but I have to message him to hear from him. And I know that relationships aren't "complete happiness" -- I know that they take work. It just hurts to listen to radio stations and find out that some of the things that tore us apart are not just so stupidly COMMON for women and for couples in general, but that there are very noble steps that can be taken for willing hearts. Hurtful to know that MY heart could be in this--and I know his had the potential to be. I have come through stretches and experiences that living as a respectful and loving (wife?) seems ... completely within my grasp. But again ...

 

I know there's not one way at life, and there's not one person for any of us. I just feel like maybe there's a way for this to work--and work right. I don't know how to bring it up without scaring him further, I don't even know how to handle what I'm feeling here. But my heart won't be put to rest, and I really want it to--whatever that means.

 

How do guys work? What is motivating his thinking that I'm not seeing here? Why is this all bothering me so much? What can I do to put my heart at rest? And ... Is there a chance that things just might take an unexpected turn?

 

I just want to understand things a little more, and I want to be understood a little more--without my motives or my heart being questioned. I don't feel like this can be put to rest in me if not. I pray passionately but I'm not seeing what God's answer is, in this. I wonder if my patience is being tested, or my temperament, or my endurance, and I wish I knew why my heart won't let go though the odds of anything happening seem so ... narrow. I just want to share in truth. And if nothing else, I just wish I could be that person he could be open with, like he used to ... If only to cure that longing in HIM--even if I get nothing more out of it. It just sucks to think how well my heart would be into this if things could work, to have that not be realised, to have my heart not really be heard and seen for what it's grown to be.

 

I know I must sound crazy, but maybe there's one of you out there who has something to say, anyway?