Catharsis Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 NoIDidnt, your description of serial cheater describes my exMM to a T. He is the most charming, likeable, charismatic, good-looking guy one can imagine. He has successfully cheated on his W over the entire time of their 13 year marriage and she doesn't suspect a thing. She is totally enthralled with him, she worships the ground he walks on, acts like she is a newlywed, etc. I have always wondered what he saw in her - she is neither very good-looking (not ugly, but just plain and dull), nor very smart (duh!). She is extremely gullible - he even told me that a few times. Now it makes perfect sense why he would marry her - she is the perfect W totally blinded by his charm but too naive to figure out that she is only a tool for him. Someone to fall back on when there is a period of no action with OW. The poor woman is in love with a mirage. The sad thing is she would never believe it even if she were to be confronted with the truth.
Trialbyfire Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 I'll just respond to the initial question, I think substantial trust and respect are necessary to make any relationship work. As for 100% of each or both, I'm not certain that anyone trusts or respects anyone 100%. As for serial cheaters, it is an addiction. I see it as a constant requirement for external confirmation of greatness, lol. Very needy...
addicted2love Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 I think true RESPECT, 100% respect, is needed to make a relationship/marriage last. For if you truly respect someone, you will behave in a manner that shows it. I think respect is the building block of a lasting, healthy, relationship. Trust alone isn't enough. When my father in law found out my H and I were engaged he pulled us both aside and told us..."love and lust come and go but respect for each other is the glue that will keep you happily married for a lifetime." I do believe that's true. However...when my H cheated the first time that respect was breached...once the respect is damaged and the trust is broken it's very difficult to get it back. It took me a long time to feel trust and respect for my H after that. Unfortunately for both of us he cheated two more times and now it's impossible for me to get both back. For me it was the multiple A's that killed it completely. It's like stepping on glass that already has a crack in it...it shatters beyond repair.
Mz. Pixie Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 I was talking to somebody else but it can apply to any cheater. Being a cheater says something about a persons character. I take offense to this statement. You should phrase that as "Some cheaters have no character" instead of saying like absolutely every single person that has ever cheated doesn't have character. :rolleyes: It's simply not true.
outofdarkness Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 I was afraid to put in my opinion on the whole serial cheating thing due to the circumstances. Most of you know my H cheated w/ multiple OW for 10 years, mabey more, I don't know. He most certainly has an addiction, admitted it right of the bat, and went to inpatient and outpatient trtmt..Still goes to this day. There are NO guarantees...The most important thing in my opinion, is that the cheater is remorseful and willing to do just about anything to regain the lost trust and manage the addiction. Serial cheaters, or sex addicts, in my case, are not "curable"..But they CAN manage their addictions...It is a lifelong thing, not something that you just medicate and all is well... I think that the BS has to decide pretty early on if she/he can be happy with themselves regardless of what's going on with the CS...I personally, have learned alot from this experience, most importantly, it's taught me how to be more independent and that I am responsible for myself and my happiness. I do agree that in most cases, a serial cheater is impossible to "reform" AND it's all too easy for a con man to say if they are an admitted addict; "oh, sorry, I had a slip, as they say in every 12 step program". However, there are guys out there who take this problem and program very seriously and have changed dramatically... All of the traits that the posters mentioned about serial cheaters true, while they are actually cheating. I saw and experienced ALL of these things, but I don't anymore. I get paranoid, start "checking", and feel hurt, but those days are few and far between now...I can honestly say that while the cheating was going on, it was absolutely heartbreaking, frustrating and devastating to myself and our kids, and I had NO idea, unless it was on a sub conscience level, that he WAS cheating. I just thought it was all my fault. Once D day came and went, he is not the same person. Things do come up that I have to question, and he has to be held accountable..Mostly, he is more then willing to accommodate, but on occasion, he gets irritated. This is to be expected, as someone said to me once;" noone likes to live in the dog house forever"...I think that every situation is so unique. Being in the dog house from time to time seems to be a small price to pay for my H, in order for me to feel reassurance every now and then. Let's also keep in mind that some serial cheaters are sociopaths. This is the exception to the rule, but they ARE out there and they will NEVER change. My Dad was/is one and he cannot and will not see how much his actions have effected our family. He doesn't care, as long as he gets what HE wants. I hope I've gotten my points across in a respectful and insightful way...I enjoyed reading the other posts, it's interesting to see everyone's take on this...
NoIDidn't Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 OOD My dad has never been caught by his Ws. He freely showed me his actions, but I didn't tell. I assumed that they knew. My current STBX-stepmom tells me that she always suspected, but never could prove anything. Living with a cheater is horrible for everyone. When they start feeling guilty or whatever, they take it out on the nearest person. Sometimes its a spouse, but sometimes its the children that they are supposedly staying for. I hated being around my dad. He was so moody and unstable. The smallest infractions set him off. And he is a strong believer in corporal (sp?) punishment, but I considered his methods to be nothing more than outright physical abuse. Thank God he never laid a hand on me. Something that I still find very odd. I can say without a doubt that my dad is NOT a sociopath. He cares very much about how his actions impact others, but is too much of a coward to face the music honestly. But Trial said something in an earlier post about serial cheaters being needy. I totally agree with that statement. Serial Cheaters need constant affirmation, sun up and sun down. But no one can give you that. Not even your local priest can devote all of his time and energy to one person.
NoIDidn't Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 I also wanted to add this: Serial Cheaters usually have some kind of hatred and disdain for the opposite sex. But they also don't get along too well with those of their own sex. And often don't feel comfortable in their own skin. I really feel sorry for my dad and others like him.
outofdarkness Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 OOD My dad has never been caught by his Ws. He freely showed me his actions, but I didn't tell. I assumed that they knew. My current STBX-stepmom tells me that she always suspected, but never could prove anything. Living with a cheater is horrible for everyone. When they start feeling guilty or whatever, they take it out on the nearest person. Sometimes its a spouse, but sometimes its the children that they are supposedly staying for. I hated being around my dad. He was so moody and unstable. The smallest infractions set him off. And he is a strong believer in corporal (sp?) punishment, but I considered his methods to be nothing more than outright physical abuse. Thank God he never laid a hand on me. Something that I still find very odd. I can say without a doubt that my dad is NOT a sociopath. He cares very much about how his actions impact others, but is too much of a coward to face the music honestly. But Trial said something in an earlier post about serial cheaters being needy. I totally agree with that statement. Serial Cheaters need constant affirmation, sun up and sun down. But no one can give you that. Not even your local priest can devote all of his time and energy to one person. My heart goes out to you re: Your Dad...I have been through it. Doesn't matter what cheating "category" we put them in..ie...sociopaths, serial, etc.., it is just as damaging and hurtful. It causes many problems for the kids later in life if the CH does not come clean and reach out for help. In this case, it can be a rare opportunity for the kids/family to gain some insight into the whole "forgiveness" issue and learn to cope with many things that life throws our way..If, as in the situation w/ my Dad, the CH does not come clean, reach out for help and ask for forgiveness, then the kids are really harmed...and it reaches far and wide. I had to cut all contact w/ my Dad years ago due to his cheating and lying...My Dad is also trans gendered, and hid it all of the years that we were growing up..So...he has MANY, multi faceted problems. I am quite certain that he was horribly abused when little, so he may be unable to reach out...None the less, he can't, won't and is toxic to myself and anyone else in my opinion that he professes to be close to... So...there are so many types of cheating situations and each one is unique. It's hard to give general advice when you often know so little from just a paragraph that someone writes...If I think I may be able to help by sharing my story/stor(ies), then I will post, otherwise, I try to back off and think about the fact that I most likely have nothing to contribute to that particular poster... FYI...I ALWAYS said that I would marry someone who was the TOTAL opposite of my Dad as far as the cheating...and I genuinely THOUGHT that I was...Funny how that happens...The difference is that my H is able to empathize...My Dad either wouldn't or couldn't...
SadrBtWizr Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 Do you believe that True Trust, 100% Trust is needed to make a relationship/marriage last? I feel that the cheater needs to vow never to cheat again & the cheated on needs to TRUST & NOT expect that his/her spouse will cheat again. As one who's trust has been violated, and has had trouble trusting anybody since the betrayal, that sounds a little "too easy" on the cheater. The Vow part is easy. Cheaters lie. Expectation. That's hard. There needs to be some time to learn to trust again. It can't "just happen". The betrayer needs to expect to be suspected for a while. The betrayed has to learn to trust their own instincts. Verrify truth against known facts. I've started to use the Detect Truth Ebook at my site to figure out exactly if I'm being lied to.
Trialbyfire Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 I also wanted to add this: Serial Cheaters usually have some kind of hatred and disdain for the opposite sex. But they also don't get along too well with those of their own sex. And often don't feel comfortable in their own skin. I really feel sorry for my dad and others like him. While I don't feel sorry for my ex, he did have a disdain for 99% of the opposite sex, hence why they were all fair game, I suppose. Hunt them down, go in for the kill, drop them.
Freedom Now Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 I read something very poignant in one of my many, many books that I have: Married men who date other women are like oysters: One in a million has something precious inside. The rest are just slimy.
outofdarkness Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 I read something very poignant in one of my many, many books that I have: Married men who date other women are like oysters: One in a million has something precious inside. The rest are just slimy. lol..This post made me laugh...and I really need to laugh...thanks...
Freedom Now Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 Trust me, with the week I have been having, I needed a good laugh, too! Glad I could make you smile!
Recommended Posts