Izzar Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 Do you believe that True Trust, 100% Trust is needed to make a relationship/marriage last? I feel that the cheater needs to vow never to cheat again & the cheated on needs to TRUST & NOT expect that his/her spouse will cheat again.
Freedom Now Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 I agree....but it takes hard, hard work on the cheater's part to change. I hesitate to say this but I believe this to be true for the most part: people CAN change, but usually they change once they are out of the primary relationship that facilitated the cheating.... For in the primary relationship, the habit has formed for serial cheaters....
a4a Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 I agree....but it takes hard, hard work on the cheater's part to change. I hesitate to say this but I believe this to be true for the most part: people CAN change, but usually they change once they are out of the primary relationship that facilitated the cheating.... For in the primary relationship, the habit has formed for serial cheaters.... They only will really change if it benefits them in some way.
Woggle Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 Do you believe that True Trust' date=' 100% Trust is needed to make a relationship/marriage last?[/quote'] Yes. If there is no trust it will eventually ruin the marriage.
Freedom Now Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 I think true RESPECT, 100% respect, is needed to make a relationship/marriage last. For if you truly respect someone, you will behave in a manner that shows it. I think respect is the building block of a lasting, healthy, relationship. Trust alone isn't enough.
Woggle Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 I think true RESPECT, 100% respect, is needed to make a relationship/marriage last. For if you truly respect someone, you will behave in a manner that shows it. I think respect is the building block of a lasting, healthy, relationship. Trust alone isn't enough. But a person that cheats on their spouse does not respect them and how can you trust a person that does not respect you. If a person has earned my trust then they have already earned my respect.
Freedom Now Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 And it is up to the cheater to get that trust back. It is ALL in the cheater's court. He/she must EARN that trust back....
Author Izzar Posted February 27, 2007 Author Posted February 27, 2007 My exhusband cheated 2x. After the second time, I packed my 2 children up & moved out & on. I didn't see a way of repairing the trust that was lost.
Freedom Now Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 I think serial cheaters, barring a miracle, are hopeless....
yousaveme Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 I have to disagree. I dont think they are hopeless. I just think they need to find their happiness. I was with someone for 10 years ( on and off) I cheated on him. I was unhappy with the relationship. I was looking for him to make me happy.That was wrong. I have to make myself happy. I am in a new relationship now , and I cant even imagine cheating on him. I think serial cheaters, barring a miracle, are hopeless....
Freedom Now Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 Did you cheat on him with multiple partners? That is what I mean about serial cheating... Cheating on the same person with many different partners... And if so, that is why I say that it usually takes getting out of the primary relationship to change. The habit has formed in the relationship where the cheating is occuring. But serial cheaters, who continue to STAY in that relationship, will cheat again, I believe.
NoIDidn't Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 Hey Freedom I came out of lurking to say "hello". I hope you are well. I agree with you about serial cheaters, though. I think they are completely hopeless, barring a major miracle in their thinking. Like I said before, my dad is one. Problem with serial cheaters is that to the untrained eye, they seem to be the most devoted, charming and committed people you will ever meet. But they are actually the opposite: controlling and extremely judgmental behind closed doors and commitment phobes all while being afraid of being alone. My dad wants a W for the continuity of family and someone to grow old with whether he loves her or not. He figures, he can have a couple of OW fill in where his M is lacking. But the M is lacking because of HIM. As is the case for most serial cheaters. Beware the serial cheaters ladies. They are the most charming, chivarous (sp?) men you will ever meet. They may even tell you about previous cheating partners but you will be so wrapped up in their charm and only take in how horrible his W must be that he cheated that much on her. And they usually are very disrespectful in their speech towards you, like you are just some "dumb woman" that he is being kind enough to "teach" the correct way to please him. Sure, this is the kind of MM that will take you out to dinner and even go on a vacation with you. He will make you feel so special and yet so small all at the same time. You feel even more special because he blows off his family for you, and tells you "forget them, this is for us". The serial cheater is openly disdainful about his family. All of it. Sisters, brothers, cousins, except Momma. They LOVE Momma, according to their words anyway. Sorry this is so long. I hate serial cheaters. Hate is such a strong word, maybe loathe is better.
Freedom Now Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 Yes, serial cheaters are a nightmare to behold... And, hi yourself, NoIDidn't! My xMM is a serial cheater on his wife. I was the only OW that she found out about. But there were a few before me....but of course, I was the ONLY ONE HE LOVED....Right.... And not too long ago, I WANTED him so badly. Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers....
yousaveme Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 I have to agree with that. Once you have cheated on the primary relationship. I think the cheated on wants you around more or like a terriorty thing. The cheater stays out of guilt. When things got on my nerves etc. I dealt with them wrong. We didnt have communication , period we didnt have trust in eachother. Cheating made the primary relationship tolerable. Getting out the primary relationship was the best thing for both of us. I stopped punishing myself and him.
NoIDidn't Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 I have to disagree. I dont think they are hopeless. I just think they need to find their happiness. I was with someone for 10 years ( on and off) I cheated on him. I was unhappy with the relationship. I was looking for him to make me happy.That was wrong. I have to make myself happy. I am in a new relationship now , and I cant even imagine cheating on him. I apologize for using you and your post as the example, but this is the exact reason why serial cheaters are hopeless. They think it is someone else's job to make them happy. It is your job to make yourself happy, no one elses. Believe me, all serial cheaters think they have found the one, found while they were cheating on someone else usually. Just like you did to your Ex. And "The One" makes them so happy that they think they will never cheat again. But eventually after settling in with "The One" for awhile, disillusionment (is that a word, LOL) sets in and they cheat again. And its quite agonizing to them. But they are masters at rationalizing that "The One" must not be "The One" because they couldn't keep the serial cheater happy. I have seen this cycle with my dad so many times, its sad. Very sad. He always confessed to me when he was cheating and found a new "The One". But it never lasted. You have to be happy within yourself. No one else has the energy or stamina to make you happy all the time. What about their needs? This is why serial cheaters are so unhappy. They think nothing about the other person's needs once they become unhappy. They don't think anything they did made the other unhappy. So they rationalize the cheating away.
movinon05 Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 Some do but people usually do not change unless they do some serious soul searching. Most people keep repeating the same patters so if she did it once she probably will do it again and if she did it to another man she will probably do it to you. Past actions are a good indicator of what future actions will be. That is why I say it is best to just dump a cheater because it will most likely happen again. I disagree! But I will put myself in your "some do change" category. I don't know about "most" people or that a past cheater will do it again. It does come down to the soul searching and the experience and what you learned from it. Some people never learn. Some do!
Woggle Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 I disagree! But I will put myself in your "some do change" category. I don't know about "most" people or that a past cheater will do it again. It does come down to the soul searching and the experience and what you learned from it. Some people never learn. Some do! Maybe you did change but if I had a woman tell me she cheated in a past relationship I would never get involved with her. No man should ever think he is the exception.
a4a Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 Maybe you did change but if I had a woman tell me she cheated in a past relationship I would never get involved with her. No man should ever think he is the exception. Woggle if you had a male friend that cheated in a previous relationship would you think the same way about him and label him "unchangeable".... would you want/desire to warn his current spouse that he is a cheater in the past...... or switch it to female friend cheater scenario..... would you feel the urge to tell the spouse/LTR?
movinon05 Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 Maybe you did change but if I had a woman tell me she cheated in a past relationship I would never get involved with her. No man should ever think he is the exception. Of course, I understand that. If I met a man who told me he cheated on his W, I would do the same because I have no desire to have to spend the rest of my life worrying that it might happen again. At the same time, when I date someone, I'm not going to volunteer that information about myself. I am a different person. The person I date now is meeting the real me, not the wayward pathetic soul I was back then.
frannie Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 Maybe you did change but if I had a woman tell me she cheated in a past relationship I would never get involved with her. No man should ever think he is the exception. No one should ever think they're an exception, very true. I take that as far as anyone who has or hasn't cheated may cheat in the future. I've heard it so many times: 'never thought it would be me...' I think movinon has a point, though: if someone has been involved in cheating and learnt from it, they actually (to me) would be a better bet than someone who has no clue and thinks they would never do it... ... never say never. This is my opinion, however, and would be if I were choosing a future mate.
Woggle Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 Noy trying to insult you but the fact that you did not have the integrity to end things instead of going behind his back should be a red flag for any man.
Woggle Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 Woggle if you had a male friend that cheated in a previous relationship would you think the same way about him and label him "unchangeable".... would you want/desire to warn his current spouse that he is a cheater in the past...... or switch it to female friend cheater scenario..... would you feel the urge to tell the spouse/LTR? I would not warn her because that would be betraying my friend but chances are he will cheat again.
Woggle Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 Of course, I understand that. If I met a man who told me he cheated on his W, I would do the same because I have no desire to have to spend the rest of my life worrying that it might happen again. At the same time, when I date someone, I'm not going to volunteer that information about myself. I am a different person. The person I date now is meeting the real me, not the wayward pathetic soul I was back then. No offense but if any woman said she was the real her I would run. There are certain women that seem to have a new identity every few years and they are nothing but trouble.
stillafool Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 NoIDidn't your posts are so true about the serial cheater. My ex was the most charming man you could meet. Totally controlling and critical behind closed doors. When he would cheat somehow it was all my fault that he was lead astray. I told him each time, fine but why didn't you decide to leave me and go with the other - never had an answer for that one. The reason is because he didn't care who he hurt to have what he wanted. Well we are apart for many years now and I hear his wife has endured one affair after another from him. He will never change. Just like someone said "the best prediction for future behavior is one's past behavior". I wish I had realized that fact earlier in life.
movinon05 Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 Noy trying to insult you but the fact that you did not have the integrity to end things instead of going behind his back should be a red flag for any man. Are you talking to me? I understand you would feel that way and I'm not insulted. I won't try to explain the difference in me in comparison to who I was 9 years ago. But I think Frannie has a point too, about one who has cheated and now knows better. How do I explain the growth process you go through when being in a situation such as mine was? I can't. I'd have to write a novel! I just know what I need to know for me.
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