Sup Posted March 3, 2007 Posted March 3, 2007 As someone that has been cheated on I can honestly tell you that the OP may have a role in ruining lives but you have to remember that your partner was a willing participant. It would be so easy to just play off my ex's cheating on the OM and blame him for everything but she isn't getting off that easy. She did the same thing to his wife too. My wrath is focused on her and her alone. That's not to say that if I ever run into OM I won't beat the tar out of him (and he knows it) but I won't waste one second thinking about him (or her anymore for that matter). I am pretty much through the anger and just feel pity for both of them. Cheating destroys lives but in this case the lives most harmed were those of the cheaters while the cheated on have flourished. If you don't mind me asking, does his wife know? If not, what has stopped you from telling her?
Author Salicious Crumb Posted March 3, 2007 Author Posted March 3, 2007 That's enough for a Divorce right there. From the looks of it, I can be wrong, but, I think she's still been cheating...... Have you installed a keylogger yet? Hired a PI? Anything?! She hasn't done the clubbing thing for 6 months...and when she did...she actually was coming home earlier...but a year before D-day it was suspicious..but like I said, I didn't think much of it because I trusted her. About 5 months ago after all this happened...I did turn the tables on her...I went out with some friends...which we never do..and went to a casino..stayed there til about 3am, and I got home at 4....boy she didn't like it at all...she thought I was out revenge cheating...I just had to set her straight on that one and said "I'm not like you".
Author Salicious Crumb Posted March 3, 2007 Author Posted March 3, 2007 If you don't mind me asking, does his wife know? If not, what has stopped you from telling her? First of all...what happened before we were married it was with another guy that wasn't married, but knew she was engaged. I don't know where this guy is or who he is...I just got the lowdown from the ex-friend of hers that ratted her out. And as far as the clubbing...I'd have to be a fool to think she wasn't messing around based on the times she came home and the conflicting stories from her tramp friends...which she no longer is in contact with. So if she was cheating at the clubs...then I'm pretty sure it was ONS's
Author Salicious Crumb Posted March 3, 2007 Author Posted March 3, 2007 I'm not poking fun of you nor do I enjoy it, so keep on putting words in my posts -- you are wrong. You seem to forget I am a former BS and KNOW what you are going through -- I have lived it. You were a BS, then you turn around and later on in life start doling out that same heartache to someone else.....ya...that makes sense. If you knew what it felt like, then it must have taken a real degredation of morals on your part to sleep with another womans husband after the fact.
Sup Posted March 3, 2007 Posted March 3, 2007 First of all...what happened before we were married it was with another guy that wasn't married, but knew she was engaged. I don't know where this guy is or who he is...I just got the lowdown from the ex-friend of hers that ratted her out. And as far as the clubbing...I'd have to be a fool to think she wasn't messing around based on the times she came home and the conflicting stories from her tramp friends...which she no longer is in contact with. So if she was cheating at the clubs...then I'm pretty sure it was ONS's Have you gotten tested for STD's? I can't remember if I asked this question or not, but, Have you had your children DNA tested yet? I highly suggest you do that, don't tell your wife that you're doing it, do it for peace of mind, in any case if they're not yours, (one, or both) Then, I suggest that you contact a Lawyer, ask him about going for fraud concerning the children, but, I don't know what the laws are in your state.
Sup Posted March 3, 2007 Posted March 3, 2007 Listen SC, the posters on here who have been bashing you, blaming you for your wife's affair, you don't have to listen to that, I mean you can just block the posters posts so you don't have to read them, OK? Reading their comments on how you're at fault when you're NOT is just not cool. As far as the anger is concerned, to me it's Blinding Fury, like you're shaking inside. I know what that is because I've had that before, different circumstances, but, same end result, your body, and your health WILL begin to self destruct very quickly. It's to the point that I can FEEL the Fury from what you're typing. You DO have a right to be angry, rightly so, however I must suggest that you get IC, to help yourself. It's this kind of Fury that drives people to do things they normally wouldn't ever do, such as Murder, or Suicide. As far as my run in with this type of Fury, God has been helping me with this. If you don't want to go to IC, then get Godly counseling from a good church. You may feel your wife's not worth it, don't do it for her, do it for yourself, and your children. It may be the best thing for you to Divorce your wife, to heal, and to move on, don't stay in a marriage filled with lies, it wouldn't be good for the children if you did, whether they're yours or not. I keep getting from what you have stated about your wife still wanting to go out and party, that she's NOT taking responsibility for her actions, she's NOT trying to make the marriage better from the way you put it. I would even suggest that you try to find out what your wife HAS been doing all these years under your nose, after all she kept the obvious from you, why not a whole lot more. I caution you though, when you do DIG and I'm sure you're doing that, keep in mind what you find out may, or rather WILL be very traumatic, perhaps even more so than that what you do know, you may just have the TIP of a very large iceberg. Get the counseling, get your legal ducks in a row, we're here for ya.
Jinxx Posted March 3, 2007 Posted March 3, 2007 . WTF would you say something like that to SC. That's just cruel. And he is not being cruel in with the way he attacks posters???? Okay for him to write what he wants but I can't? Sorry I was not being cruel -- just brutally honest. Sometimes the truth hurts. Deal with it.
RecordProducer Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 Yes and yes. her motives? I could care less...it is irrelevant....but if you must know..all she says is that it was a stupid thing to do and it was new.Well it IS relevant, because it sounds like she had no reason to cheat other than for entertainment purposes. it's not like she was abused by you or you never had sex. About 5 months ago after all this happened...I did turn the tables on her...I went out with some friends...which we never do..and went to a casino..stayed there til about 3am, and I got home at 4....boy she didn't like it at all...she thought I was out revenge cheating...I just had to set her straight on that one and said "I'm not like you".Anything wrong with revenge? I mean she liked cheating, but didn't like being cheated on? SHE set the standard "Cheating is acceptible" so why does she get upset before the possibility of you doing the same to her? First of all...what happened before we were married it was with another guy that wasn't married, but knew she was engaged. I don't know where this guy is or who he is...I just got the lowdown from the ex-friend of hers that ratted her out. And as far as the clubbing...I'd have to be a fool to think she wasn't messing around based on the times she came home and the conflicting stories from her tramp friends...which she no longer is in contact with. So if she was cheating at the clubs...then I'm pretty sure it was ONS's Sorry, this is a little bit confusing. It sounds like you don't know with whom and how many men she cheated. Was it before or during the marriage?
Jinxx Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 You were a BS, then you turn around and later on in life start doling out that same heartache to someone else.....ya...that makes sense. If you knew what it felt like, then it must have taken a real degredation of morals on your part to sleep with another womans husband after the fact. Reality check -- You cannot help who your are attracted to. In my situation as BS it hurt like f*cking hell -- nothing different then what you are going through other then I don't have a pair of balls that knocks my ego/manhood to the ground. My ex-husband and his OW were better suited for each other, they have proven that. I acted on an attraction that I wholeheartedly ADMIT was wrong. You refuse to see that side of me only because of *morals* and so did my XMM. It takes TWO individuals to go down that road and BOTH persons are responsible for their actions. I am willing to bet you have your own set of morals you have broken yourself -- maybe not cheated because "you are not that way" but I'm willing to bet you've told some lies before, perhaps stretched the truth??? How about that for morals? Does that make it ok? Explain please because your wife is no different then any of us who have entered into an EA and I think it gets you off holding that over her head as well as the "what is best for the Kids/college tuition" attitude that you continually defend your reasons for staying which is nothing but a lameass excuse. You have the opportunity to change that and not hold on to someone you can no longer trust. Each of could end up with a companion or another marriage in that which in will not affect your childrens' college tuition at all. You are afraid to take a risk to better yourself and the future of your children. There is nothing worse for children then to live in a household where two parents are contantly arguing or not getting along. You say they don't know and think that everything is ok between you and your wife. You are wrong. Kids pick up everything. You are looking through rose colored glasses. Get some professional help SC -- You need it badly. This forum or the gym is not going to solve your problems.
Author Salicious Crumb Posted March 4, 2007 Author Posted March 4, 2007 And he is not being cruel in with the way he attacks posters???? Okay for him to write what he wants but I can't? Big difference...I was and will never cheat on anyone or sleep with someone elses spouse....like you have and seem to have no remorse towards the BS who you helped to betray.
Author Salicious Crumb Posted March 4, 2007 Author Posted March 4, 2007 Sorry, this is a little bit confusing. It sounds like you don't know with whom and how many men she cheated. Was it before or during the marriage? I only have proof of the one..the others I suspect, but coming home at 4am when the clubs close at 1 while we were married....you get the picture.
Touche Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 Reality Check: You ABSOLUTELY do have control about whether you ACT on an attraction. We are human beings, not stray dogs in an alley. Just needed to clear that up. I get so tired of people wimpering about "You can't help who you are attracted to" as if that gives one carte blanche to do whatever one wishes to do.
Woggle Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 It's funny that women can hold resentment for 15 years because their husband took them out for chinese when what they really wanted was italian and he should have read her mind but SC's wife betrays him in one of the worst ways and he is just supposed to get over it. The double standard is amazing.
Woggle Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 Reality Check: You ABSOLUTELY do have control about whether you ACT on an attraction. We are human beings, not stray dogs in an alley. Just needed to clear that up. I get so tired of people wimpering about "You can't help who you are attracted to" as if that gives one carte blanche to do whatever one wishes to do. Very true. Don't women realize how bad they make themselves look when they try to act like they are poor helpless slaves to their emotions? Of course not all women are like this but there are some that play the negative stereotypes to their advantage.
silktricks Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 Reality check -- You cannot help who your are attracted to. Maybe we do need to have a reality check. You absolutely CAN help who you are attracted to. If anyone doesn't have that amount of control over their eyes, heart and emotions, then they need to learn it. Saying that you (or anyone) can't help it is ingenuous at best.
silktricks Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 I only have proof of the one..the others I suspect, but coming home at 4am when the clubs close at 1 while we were married....you get the picture. SC, before you found out about the time she cheated before you were married - what did you then think she was doing out until 4am when the clubs close at 1?
pricillia Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 Maybe we do need to have a reality check. You absolutely CAN help who you are attracted to. If anyone doesn't have that amount of control over their eyes, heart and emotions, then they need to learn it. Saying that you (or anyone) can't help it is ingenuous at best. yes to some degree you can help who you are attracted to, but you don't want to just like just anyone, why be with someone that you make yourself like. Some people are attracted to different type of mates.. ie looks, body type, hair color, personality. There is also chemistry involved here too. Think about the first time you were in love, what did it feel like and you couldn't help yourself. Most likely it was not planned it just happened, I think that is what Jinxx means
Jinxx Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 It's funny that women can hold resentment for 15 years because their husband took them out for chinese when what they really wanted was italian and he should have read her mind but SC's wife betrays him in one of the worst ways and he is just supposed to get over it. The double standard is amazing. As a former BS -- I got over it. I went to counselling. Did it still hurt after six months??? Hell yes.... but I was on my way to recovery with the assistance of a wonderful therapist, something SC won't even consider. Therapy is a wonderful tool for those who have been hurt in the "worst way".
Touche Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 Yes, of course when most of us first fell in love we couldn't help it. We were immature. Some of us never grow up. When we're immature we act on every impulse with very little thought. Of course you can't help who you are attracted to. That's not what some of us are saying. You can control whether or not to ACT on that attraction. That part doesn't "just happen." Those of us who are married do see people we are attracted to..one can't help that part. But if we have any decency and self-control we CAN control whether we act on those attractions or not.
silktricks Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 Actually, Touche, I am saying that you can help who you are attracted to. I'm not saying the "my he/she is good looking" kind of attraction, but the kind of attraction that would prompt anything beyond that. If a person is married/committed AND YOU KNOW IT, if should be as if there's a great big huge flashing neon sign over their head that says "I'm not interesting" Everyone talks about not acting on their interest, and that is of course important, but what I'm talking about happens long before that. It completely stops the first step, the "hmmm, that guy/girl is really fascinating" step. If you don't know they're married, that's a little different, but not by much, because then as soon as you know a door, the door of possibilities, has got to slam shut inside of you. We've all got it, it's just that too many of us don't use it. It's far easier to say, "I couldn't help it", and I'm so unbelievably tired of hearing that.
Touche Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 Yes, I know what you were saying and for the most part I agreed with you, ST. And you said it very well. But I don't agree with the part about that you can help who you are attracted to. Many of us have a physical reaction to someone who is physically attractive to us. But, it can and should end there if you're in a committed relationship. Ideally, though...in a perfect world, it should go exactly as you describe. But it's not usually the way it goes in my experience. Some people though, don't draw a line for themselves. They tell themselves that they just "can't help it" and go to the next level. But I really do believe that you can't help who you are physically attracted to. But it CAN just stop there. It's no different than admiring a fine painting.
silktricks Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 But I really do believe that you can't help who you are physically attracted to. But it CAN just stop there. It's no different than admiring a fine painting. I think we be sayin' the same thing. :D
Touche Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 I think we be sayin' the same thing. :D Ha! I guess I wasn't quite sure if we were saying the same thing or not but I was basically agreeing with your main point.
VinaAmez Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 I'm coming REALLY late into this but I thought I would just throw my 2 cents in. I didn't get a chance to read everything but I read most so I'm sorry if I say something wrong or leave something out. I realize that your pissed off and that's probably saying is mildly, but what's done is done. I would stay out of the OW/OM's thread. I've been in there and some of that stuff it just sickening to read. Stay out of there and ignore them, especially when your raged up. With regards to this whole needs thing, they were not met. You can choose to accept that or live in denial about it but it takes 2 to make a marriage work. Now I'm not trying to justify anything or tell you what to do. For me cheating is a one way ticket to the curb and unacceptable. If vows are broken it's unfixable IMO. But others will disagree and that's fine. Heck some of the people on here have managed to keep their marriage together. Not sure how they did it but I'm sure it took a lot of hard work. And yes I agree with you, there is no excuse to cheating. She shouldn't have done it regardless of anything but she did and she's not you. Now I do agree with others about couseling. Not for you and your wife but for yourself FIRST. From reading your posts, you have the "why did it happen to me" and "how could she do this to me" mentality. I'm sure every bit of emotion is running through you and you should try and talk to someone. Even if it's just to vent. That way you can clear your thoughts out and decide what you want to do. Anyhow I hope your doing a better and keep posting. At least you can vent on here. But try to do it on this thread only okay? I guess that I have one question for you: Did she cheat before the marriage?
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