Difficulty dealing with wife's affair

March 1, 2007

Well I have very good reason to believe the cheating happened while we were married too...I just never saw it before because I was TOO trusting and didn't think she'd ever betray me.

That'll never happen again.

What makes you think that?

March 1, 2007

Well if I ever did want to go out and cheat on my wife...yall just made me feel a hell of alot better if I do.

She never has met all of my needs...so with that statement above from 7mack, she will be as much responsible for the infidelity if I decide to get my needs met elsewhere....afterall..thats what everyone is saying.

So it will be her fault if I get some strange elsewhere.

Now THAT I have to disagree with. Don't lower your standards for NO ONE! Gunny in here somewhere has stated before about the double standard in America, If he cheats, it's HIS fault, if she cheats it's HIS fault. What a bunch of BULLCRAP! American society has GIVEN women here the RIGHT to do what they want, and face NO consequences for their actions! Gunny has another: When mamma plays, daddy pays. That's what society here in America has dwindled to, screw over the working man! Well, it's the truth, ain't it?

March 2, 2007

Now THAT I have to disagree with. Don't lower your standards for NO ONE! Gunny in here somewhere has stated before about the double standard in America, If he cheats, it's HIS fault, if she cheats it's HIS fault. What a bunch of BULLCRAP! American society has GIVEN women here the RIGHT to do what they want, and face NO consequences for their actions! Gunny has another: When mamma plays, daddy pays. That's what society here in America has dwindled to, screw over the working man! Well, it's the truth, ain't it?

That is my point. His wife cheated. What was your part of it? Women aren't always angels Gang, in fact some of them can give the male pigs you so know and love a real run for their money!! C'mon guys, not every woman is a victim and not every man is a jerk. A man says that he was good and no one believes it. Good grief!! Let me ask y'all this; what would you do if you treated your SO with all the love and respect that you could and they decided to to, let's say 'have another taste' just for the hell of it? What would you do then? Would you be so quick to judge other jilted spouses after that? Doesn't that make you really think about what your relationship means to them after they 'taste' someone else like someone tastes a new flavour of ice cream? Not everyone cheats because there is something missing at home, you know. Your relationship means the world to you so this would be a slap in the face. Think that will make you feel all warm and toasty?

March 2, 2007

^And you're right tht communication requires everyone in the relationship to do so. But it also requires being made of strong stuff to tell someone that which they may not want to hear.

And this is the problem with women who take gifts they don't want or fake orgasms or what-have-you (and vice versa): They are weak of will and useless as companions in a relationship. They are going to take flight in the face of difficulty -- either in the form of infidelity or less loathesome behavior -- instead of facing issues head-on and being willing to occasionally upset the ones they love.

A man should ask and vice versa. But a woman should also tell. No one is so thoughtful that they think of every possibility or question.

THANK YOU!! This is what I have meant right from the jump. Couldn't have been put any better!!

March 2, 2007

And what is MC going to do for us? People keep talking about learning WHY she strayed....I dont' care WHY...all that matter is she DID.
I can see if I neglected her badly, treated her like crap, or abused her...but our relationship was in NO WAY like that. We did everything together, she was my best friend, and sex was fantastic and never a lack of it. Yet she strayed...didn't have the "tits" to fess up and tell me about it...and went into our marriage a total lie. I had no choice in the matter.

So really, what is a shrink going to say to us to make it better?

Sounds like you don't really want to save your marriage if you don't want to know WHY.

A's are not necessarily about sex.

A good counsellor facilitates the discussion. It's not what they say to you, it's what you and your W say. The other key component to MC is listening and truly hearing to what the other is saying.

I came here to look for people in my same situation...and I find too many people that are the root of the problem of situations like mine and many others. And it disgusts me that too many of them aren't here looking for advice on how to get out of their affairs and relationships with OM/OW, but rather on how to become closer to someone who is married or who is not their spouse.

The root of the problem is not the OP. The OM did not force your W into the A. She went into it herself. But this brings us back to the "Why" she did it. And you said you didn't care about that.

Hell...lets turn this around....she never gives oral sex...she expects me to give it and I do because I like to, but she doesn't. There is a "need" of mine not being met. I guess that means I should go get it from another woman then?...but I won't...because I am not that selfish.

And thats what it all gets back to...cheaters are selfish. The notion that if things are exactly perfect and one teeny weeny "need" isn't being met that it is a justification for cheating...well....thats just plain f#cked up

You say that the need of your that isn't being met is oral sex. And that may well be it...bottom line. From a female perspective, she may say that her need for oral sex isn't being met (as an example), but she may really mean that she is missing intimacy and perhaps she felt that the strongest after oral sex. I don't know if I am saying this right, but sometimes it isn't really the action, but the emotions surrounding it. And no, it isn't justification for cheating.

She never once told you that she didn't like roses? Was she waiting for you to read her mind? It wasn't your job to ask, you where showing appreciation of her, it was her job to tell you what she prefered. You didn't have the problem bonehead, she did for expecting you to 'just know'. Thats ridiculous, and more women need to wise up. Communication is where two people talk and listen back and forth, reading minds hasn't been perfected yet!! You where given a mouth, use it!!

After 12 years of marriage, my xH couldn't tell you my favorite flower or the names of 5 people I worked with. Not saying that this is bonehead's situation, but my xH never listened to me. I told him my favorite flower, I talked about my work, and I talked about unmet needs. I am divorced now.

Couldn't he just ask her why she did it? Then she responds with, "You never did x,y, or z no matter how much I asked you. And I needed x, y, and z and I looked for it with OM". Why do they need a MC for that?

Sometimes when you say x, y, and z, after a bit of discussion (with the right questions being posed by the counsellor), you might find out it is really a,b, and c that are lacking. A good counsellor ( and we did manage to have a bad one at one point - sometimes you have to try out a few to find one that you like and will work well with you) really opens up the discussion and helps you sort through, identify and vocalize this issues within the M. And often helps clarify what is being said...so that you can really understand what your SO is trying to tell you.

March 2, 2007

Well great. You just gave everyone a reason to cheat if you believe the "entitlement" crap the people who have cheated in here are spewing.

The weekend is coming up...maybe I'll take you up on that.

So I have to bust my ass even harder to simply stave off her cheating on me?.....oh brother.

Sorry, I sure as hell never had all of my "needs" met by her...but unlike others who use this as an excuse for their own cheating, I will not cheat.
I am not so needy or shallow that when faced with a little dissappointment that I will go out and find gratification elsewhere....I leave that to the weak minded.

Well...then by the logic of some here, then you should have went out and cheated on him if he gave you that dirty shirt. I mean that is no longer a need of yours and since your "new needs" aren't being met...you see what I'm getting at here?

SC

Since you are hellbent on staying angry and not open to anything, I am not going to keep kicking a dead horse. But not without adding this....

Nowhere have I implied that YOU are at fault for HER cheating. Nowhere have I given any kind of entitlement argument. You are lashing out at anyone that disagrees with you. I have never implied that you are deficient in any ways. I simply said that while you have been loving and caring, it may not have been in ways that really moved her (paraphrasing here).

You have a lot of work ahead of you. Its easy to stay angry and blame her for everything. But its honorable to yourself and to your M if you put on your workboots and get to work. I am not saying that she doesn't have work to do. I am posting to YOU, not her. If she were here, she would get a similar post. You both have work to do, and your job is admittedly harder as you were wronged.

March 2, 2007

After 12 years of marriage, my xH couldn't tell you my favorite flower or the names of 5 people I worked with. Not saying that this is bonehead's situation, but my xH never listened to me. I told him my favorite flower, I talked about my work, and I talked about unmet needs. I am divorced now.

If you talk and they don't listen, that's a problem and I wholeheartedly agree with you. Yes, sometimes it is paying attention. For my SO's birthday last year she wanted some high end skin products, I bought them and said 'happy birthday'. Last year James Blunt's album came out, I knew she loved the song so I bought it too without her knowing it, I will admit that the album had more of an impact then the skin care products BUT she doesn't expect that sort of thing all the time. She knows that if we are a team we have to talk and that is the deal!! Here is the deal, I pay attention, I LISTEN when SHE TELLS ME THINGS. I have no quarrel with women like you who speak but your ex-turkey didn't listen, you are trying to communicate. How do you listen when the other person doesn't speak? Same problem, yeah? I have an issue with women who say that 'You have been with me for so long, you should know what I like' when they never actually tell you, even when you are trying to be sensitive, attentive and whatnot, they just accept the gifts and smile and you are none the wiser that she is hating what's going on!! That's insane!! And no, I don't think that if a guy buys a woman flowers that right after he asks 'what would you like if you don't like these'. Then it seems like he is the only one who is communicating and that gets stale real quick.

March 2, 2007

She cheated because she wanted to. The thing that's tearing up SC is the fact that she cheated BEFORE they were married, NEVER said ANYTHING about it and married him, she lead him on from the start. Now SC feels like she wasted his life by not being forthcoming. SC even stated that he would have called off the wedding had he known. She defrauded him, Period.

You nailed it...so now the problem is...two beautiful kids' lives hang in the balance and their futures which I want to provide for may be thrown away if I decide to divorce.

So by not being forthcoming, she basically and proactively ruined the lives of the children she hadn't even had yet....and now does....hope that made sense...LOL.

March 2, 2007

What makes you think that?

coming home at 4am from clubbing with some trampy friends of hers when the clubs close at 1am....conflicting stories from her friends as to her whereabouts on a couple of occasions I just happened to ask about to account for her 3 hours after the clubs closed...that and her cell phone being off.

March 2, 2007

You are correct....I really should be more tolerant of people that destroy other people's lives.

As someone that has been cheated on I can honestly tell you that the OP may have a role in ruining lives but you have to remember that your partner was a willing participant. It would be so easy to just play off my ex's cheating on the OM and blame him for everything but she isn't getting off that easy. She did the same thing to his wife too. My wrath is focused on her and her alone. That's not to say that if I ever run into OM I won't beat the tar out of him (and he knows it) but I won't waste one second thinking about him (or her anymore for that matter). I am pretty much through the anger and just feel pity for both of them. Cheating destroys lives but in this case the lives most harmed were those of the cheaters while the cheated on have flourished.

March 2, 2007

Well if I ever did want to go out and cheat on my wife...yall just made me feel a hell of alot better if I do.

She never has met all of my needs...so with that statement above from 7mack, she will be as much responsible for the infidelity if I decide to get my needs met elsewhere....afterall..thats what everyone is saying.

So it will be her fault if I get some strange elsewhere.

Not just as much responsible but holds responsibility for making your marriage vulnerable to an affair.

The cheater holds responsibility for stepping outside the relationship but in most cases the relationship wasn't exactly awesome before the cheating happened.

Not saying that was the case in your situation, I'm just basing my opinion on reading books, personal experience, and visiting this site and others.

Here's the thing with your sitch SC- it was a long time ago. Has she been a good wife pretty much since you guys got married??

I'm not trying to minimize your pain at all because I know it's all new to you and you're still processing......could she have cheated because she was just young and immature at the time?

I find it hard to believe that the only thing way she's being punished is by not getting to go out and act like a single person. You have so much anger that some of it must be filtering through to her.

I just believe that MC will help just about anyone with their problems. There is something to be said about sitting before a third party who is not emotionally vested in your relationship and getting outside advise.

March 2, 2007

I dunno...i have heard some horror stories of the therapist trying to get the betrayed to understand that it was pretty much the betrayed's fault that the SO cheated.

A good marriage counselor will not do that. A good marriage counselor will see both sides of the situation and should filter in to her that you had needs that were not met as well!! Perhaps she could even help you communicate to your wife your needs that need meeting and help you get them met??

You're not afraid of MC are you SC? Afraid perhaps it might be pointed out to you that you're not as perfect as you think you are?

March 2, 2007

Well sometimes id agree with that but I think it works both ways..........In some cases I would say if you arent getting exactly what you want out of a relationship you tend to sway off and go the wrong way and most often you realize it later.

March 2, 2007

SC, you know how I feel about your bitterness and how it reflects on the advice you give people here.

Its actually nothing personal, I just don't feel that you are particularly well qualified to give advice at the moment since you

a) can't take it (from people here or professionals)

b) see everything in black and white

c) are CLEARLY not anywhere near being healed from your own situation.

Most of the posts on here say things that have been said to you AD NAUSEAUM.

ie- If you can't forgive, or forget, or if you can't ever trust again,why don't you leave your wife, get custody of the kids etc.

It can't be healthy for your kids to be in the tense environment that is your household and before you spout off about how you hide it you obviously DON'T given some of the comments you make to your wife.

You ARE punishing her (and anyone else on LS that goes against your rigid opinions which are defined by how hurt you are) AND yourself by staying with her in your current frame of mind.

We KNOW you are hurt, nobody is disputing that. So are alot of other people. But the more you fight against everything, the more you refuse to see that YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF YOUR FUTURE, and the more you post nasty, vindictive, obtuse posts on threads of people who have done nothing to YOU, you will eventually lose respect and credibility on LS.

I for one, would like to see this situation get better, but in all the 666 (ha!!) posts you have posted since you joined you have rarely sounded postive or as if you are taking steps to change your life.

Wallowing in this bitterness will poison you AND your kids.

Please take some action.

March 2, 2007

You ARE punishing her (and anyone else on LS that goes against your rigid opinions which are defined by how hurt you are) AND yourself by staying with her in your current frame of mind.

Word. Really think about that for a minute.

March 2, 2007

This whole story frustrates me and I am just a cyber-observer!

Head. Banging. Brick Wall.

March 2, 2007

But at some point, the bitterness hurts you more than it will ever hurt her.

Meanwhile, it's your mental health that suffers. You're the one that's carrying around the bitterness, not her

You'll suffer twice from her actions, this time because of your bitterness. And then you'll likely suffer a third time after you leave her or she leaves you, when you try to form a new relationship and repeat the same patterns that has caused problems to this one.

Whether or not MC and dealing with your bitterness helps her or not -- and in all honesty, it doesn't really matter -- or even helps salvage the marriage (or not), it really matters for you.

You'll be free of bitterness and be ready to make the changes in your life that will allow you to become a better person.

But that's only if you resolve the bitterness.

Crumb

you are going to do what your going to do. Everyone has there own way.

But I agree with 7mack.

I was where you are in regards to anger. And it just tore me up man....it drained me.....I knew that I needed to get rid of the bitterness BEFORE I could ever get past this and accept it.

if you can do it on your own...then do it. All I am trying to say, is MC will help you. it will give you nuetral ground to confront your wife.

Ask wife point blank in front of the MC...if she thinks staying out till 4 am is a good choice for a married women with a husband and 2 kids at home? See what kinda of answer you get. I bet the MC is on your side the whole way with that one....

You got a long ways to go to get thru this man...and you cant stay in angry too much longer...it will hurt you more thatn help you.

been there man....just trying to help a brother out....

good luck

March 2, 2007

Wallowing in this bitterness will poison you AND your kids.

Please take some action.

crumb....being a BS sucks. It ***in sucks man. BUT...we dont have to feel this way forever....WE are the ones who need to take control....and you CANT do it in the angry stage....thats all I am saying...

March 2, 2007

Here's the thing with your sitch SC- it was a long time ago. Has she been a good wife pretty much since you guys got married??

Pretty much...but not perfect...yet do I cheat?...No.

But yes...pretty much. And I, as I thought I was being understanding and was happy to watch our kids while she went out to have some fun with friends, didn't mind doing that for her.

Problem is, after finding out about her...all things started adding up and I realized my good intentions towards her were being taken advantage of...all of a sudden her coming home at 4am made sense.

So I will not be played for a fool any longer...if she wants to go out to clubs, then she can pack her bags.

I'm not trying to minimize your pain at all because I know it's all new to you and you're still processing......could she have cheated because she was just young and immature at the time?

Could be, but that doesn't explain her actions as a full grown adult, mother, and wife.

I find it hard to believe that the only thing way she's being punished is by not getting to go out and act like a single person. You have so much anger that some of it must be filtering through to her.

What is so hard to understand about being angry at someone that has betrayed you and continued to act like she was single until she was ratted out for her past cheating?

I just believe that MC will help just about anyone with their problems. There is something to be said about sitting before a third party who is not emotionally vested in your relationship and getting outside advise.

Ok..you say there is something to be said....well...what is it? If you don't know what it is...how can you say that?

March 2, 2007

A good marriage counselor will not do that. A good marriage counselor will see both sides of the situation and should filter in to her that you had needs that were not met as well!! Perhaps she could even help you communicate to your wife your needs that need meeting and help you get them met??

You're not afraid of MC are you SC? Afraid perhaps it might be pointed out to you that you're not as perfect as you think you are?

I know nobody is perfect. But that is ABSOLUTELY no excuse to cheat.

If that were the case, i'd have slept with 100 women by now.

But I don't....some people have a sense of decency and committment.

Oh, and nice attempt with the crying emoticon at the end there...trying to rub my betrayal in are you? Since you are an admitted cheater...this doesn't surprise me.

March 2, 2007

Oh, and nice attempt with the crying emoticon at the end there...trying to rub my betrayal in are you? Since you are an admitted cheater...this doesn't surprise me.

Actually, that's me laughing out loud at the thought the MC might tell you you're not perfect.

You can attack me if you'd like- since you obviously have alot of anger towards anyone who tells you what you don't want to hear-but that doesn't change the fact that you're here looking for advice, not me.

I'm trying to help you, just like everyone here on this thread, but you continue to refuse our offerings. But you know, you obviously know what you're doing- it's working so well for you........

March 2, 2007

Actually, that's me laughing out loud at the thought the MC might tell you you're not perfect.

You can attack me if you'd like- since you obviously have alot of anger towards anyone who tells you what you don't want to hear-but that doesn't change the fact that you're here looking for advice, not me.

I'm trying to help you, just like everyone here on this thread, but you continue to refuse our offerings. But you know, you obviously know what you're doing- it's working so well for you........

Too friggin funny! From one who gets attacked constantly by SC, he doesn't want help. He does everything right while everyone else does everything wrong.

March 2, 2007

Whats the use MzPixie.

He still uses the same old litany.......

Do you even READ some of what we are saying Salacious Crumb?

I am actually starting to feel sorry for your wife and kids. Particularly your kids. You are setting them a "fantastic" example re: forgiveness and tolerance towards loved ones.

Cue: Fireworks and "well SHE is setting them a great example because she is a cheater"...save it mate... it happened before the kids came along.

Jeez man, if ever anyone needed therapy its you.

Your anger is almost palpable.

Do your kids a favour- sort yourself out. Its the least you can do for them.

March 2, 2007

I am actually starting to feel sorry for your wife and kids. Particularly your kids.

I do to and am beginning to suspect his wife is a victim of emotional abuse.

March 2, 2007

the way I look at it crumbs...is you got a few choices

Dont accept it, stay married and continue down the angry path....live this way until you break...or fall into depression...cause that is a possibility.

Accept it and lose the anger and resentment....get some MC help to help BOTH of you move on from this...set boundarys for the marriage relationship and work towards a NEW marriage agreement.

Accept it and lose the anger and resentment and try to recover the marriage on your own.

Accept it leave your wife, and harbor the anger still. Try to raise your beautiful kids as best you can in 2 homes.....but that will be hard if you harbor the anger..

Accept it and leave your wife AND LOSE THE ANGER, and raise the kids in 2 homes best you can. Then repair the damage with in you so you dont carry to the next relationship

either way....you must do something with the anger man...I am telling you....the longer you harbor it, the longer WILL hurt you in the future.

only you know what is best for you....but the bottem line is you MUST lose the anger to get your head clear.....so you can make a choice that is best for YOU. Yeah, if ya leave, it will sux for the kids....i hear that man...but if daddy aint happy, then the kids wont be happy either.....

good luck.....let go and let it in....

and thats all i can say anymore....

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