Difficulty dealing with wife's affair

[Salicious Crumb]

Reality Check: You ABSOLUTELY do have control about whether you ACT on an attraction. We are human beings, not stray dogs in an alley.

 

EXACTLY. Sure, one can be attracted to other people...I find a few wives in my community very attractive....but I will NEVER sleep with another man's wife if I ever found myself single again.

 

And something else she said...about telling lies or stretching the truth.

Sure...who hasn't told some little white lies or stretched the truth a bit....but that is in NO WAY a comparison or does it even come close to

cheating or sleeping with another person's spouse.

 

Hmmm...lets see....telling my wife she doesn't look fat in a dress to spare her feelings as opposed to some woman f#cking another woman's husband....hmmm....call me crazy, but the former definitely pales in comparison.

 

 

Just needed to clear that up. I get so tired of people wimpering about "You can't help who you are attracted to" as if that gives one carte blanche to do whatever one wishes to do.

 

As if self control and sense of decency do not exist.

[Salicious Crumb]

SC, before you found out about the time she cheated before you were married - what did you then think she was doing out until 4am when the clubs close at 1?

 

She wasn't doing the clubbing scene then. She spent the night with a friend of hers and ended up with her brother.

And I have to really respect her friend, even though she didn't tell me til years later, she disowned my wife as a friend because she didn't think it was right of her to do that to me when engaged....too bad she didn't tell me before the wedding...her like others, didn't want to be the cause of a wedding being called off.

[Salicious Crumb]

yes to some degree you can help who you are attracted to, but you don't want to just like just anyone, why be with someone that you make yourself like.

 

Some people are attracted to different type of mates.. ie looks, body type, hair color, personality. There is also chemistry involved here too.

 

Think about the first time you were in love, what did it feel like and you couldn't help yourself.

 

Most likely it was not planned it just happened, I think that is what Jinxx means

 

Uh...one problem...if you are attracted to someone who is already taken, more to the point married...you move on to someone else you are attracted to. The married person isn't the only person in the world you will find attractive or that you are attracted to.

[Salicious Crumb]

I'm coming REALLY late into this but I thought I would just throw my 2 cents in. I didn't get a chance to read everything but I read most so I'm sorry if I say something wrong or leave something out.

 

I realize that your pissed off and that's probably saying is mildly, but what's done is done. I would stay out of the OW/OM's thread. I've been in there and some of that stuff it just sickening to read. Stay out of there and ignore them, especially when your raged up.

 

With regards to this whole needs thing, they were not met. You can choose to accept that or live in denial about it but it takes 2 to make a marriage work.

 

If that were the case, then I should go out and cheat. All of my "needs" weren't being met during the entire relationship with my wife including our engagement. So why didn't I cheat? Pure and simple...cheaters are selfish. If one little itsy bitsy thing isn't perfect....they cheat.

Got a news flash...NO relationship is perfect...therefore if you follow that logic, everyone should be cheating.

 

I guess that I have one question for you: Did she cheat before the marriage?

 

Yes, before marriage...I have proof of that...she lied while at the alter saying our wedding vows and I had no idea.

 

I highly suspect she cheated when married. Either way..the fact that we were not married yet in NO WAY mitigates her betrayal. My ring was on her finger....PERIOD.

[silktricks]

She wasn't doing the clubbing scene then.

I'm sorry, I think I asked the question poorly... After you were married, when your wife was into the clubbing thing, but before you found out about what she had done when you were engaged. During that period of time that it was OK with you for her to go out. When she got in at 4am during that time. What were you thinking about what she was doing/where she was, from 1am to 4am??

[Mz. Pixie]

So why didn't I cheat? Pure and simple...cheaters are selfish. If one little itsy bitsy thing isn't perfect....they cheat.

 

I will agree with you about one thing, cheating is extremely selfish. Majorly.

 

But again, I'll say that the majority of people do not cheat because of one little bitty problem. If you read some marriage books that talk about infidelity- such as His Needs/Her Needs you'll see more what I'm talking about.

 

For the record, SC, I never said her cheating was your fault. She is the one who stepped over the line, not you. I'm saying that in MANY cases infidelity is a symptom of the problem, not the problem. That may not be the case in your sitch- I think rather your wife is just immature.

 

Your situation is like my husband's was in his marriage prior to me. Staying out really late after the clubs have closed. She eventually left him for someone else and was pregnant by OM before the divorce was final. He trusted her- and was at home with their son- while she was out doing that kind of stuff. He had to get their son out in the middle of the night a couple of times that she didn't come home and wouldn't answer her cell. He thought she might be somewhere in a wreck or hurt- little did he know she was out with OM.

 

I just don't understand why she even wants to go clubbing. I mean, to me, that is what you do to go out and meet people. As a married woman, I have no use for places like that. How does she have the energy to raise two kids and then do that kind of stuff? I'd be totally exhausted.

[VinaAmez]

If that were the case, then I should go out and cheat. All of my "needs" weren't being met during the entire relationship with my wife including our engagement. So why didn't I cheat? Pure and simple...cheaters are selfish. If one little itsy bitsy thing isn't perfect....they cheat.

Got a news flash...NO relationship is perfect...therefore if you follow that logic, everyone should be cheating.

No that's not what I'm saying. That was a general thing I noticed and I am in no way saying that's why she did it. And yes no relationship is perfect and sometimes it can be hard work to keep the marriage going.

 

And no you shouldn't cheat. The proper thing would be for both people to communicate the problems and if need be enter counseling for whatever if needed. Cheating should never be on the table.

 

If your needs wern't being met and her's obviously wern't then why did you marry her? News flash for you, there were problems before you got married. Why did you go into a marriage with problems? Did you think they would go away?

 

Yes, before marriage...I have proof of that...she lied while at the alter saying our wedding vows and I had no idea.

 

I highly suspect she cheated when married. Either way..the fact that we were not married yet in NO WAY mitigates her betrayal. My ring was on her finger....PERIOD.

True it was but if she was cheating before and was determined to keep on doing it she would have continued to do it REGARDLESS if there was a ring on or not. Can you at least understand that?

 

I have no idea why she did it or if she thought she would stop. I don't know but did you ask her why she married you and why she continued to lead you on with lies?

 

she disowned my wife as a friend because she didn't think it was right of her to do that to me when engaged....too bad she didn't tell me before the wedding...her like others, didn't want to be the cause of a wedding being called off.

 

She should have told you anyway. It could have avoided what your going through now.

[serial muse]

As a former BS -- I got over it. I went to counselling. Did it still hurt after six months??? Hell yes.... but I was on my way to recovery with the assistance of a wonderful therapist, something SC won't even consider. Therapy is a wonderful tool for those who have been hurt in the "worst way".

 

I don't know, Jinxx - I'm not trying to bash you but I've read your story, and it doesn't sound to me like you've gotten past things either, despite what you're writing here. It's easy to bash SC because he's antagonizing lots of people...but I guess I just don't believe what you're saying here, because you ended up as party to yet another affair that you're still reeling from.

 

So I mean - as far as I can tell, you aren't recovered yourself. And in general, I've noticed that there are many BS who eventually end up as OW (and perhaps OM), which I think says they haven't really dealt with all the stuff the initial affair conjured up AT ALL.

 

I know SC's anger is difficult to hear, but I don't think it's constructive to be on a high horse with him when we're all still dealing with stuff.

 

I'm just saying.

 

Edited to add: I do not mean to say that I am down on the idea of therapy - not at all. I've found it to be really eye-opening and enormously helpful. But I think that for it to work, a person has to be fully engaged and willing to be honest with themselves, which is not an easy thing to do. It's an ongoing process; time and perspective are the best tools for healing.

[Salicious Crumb]

I'm sorry, I think I asked the question poorly... After you were married, when your wife was into the clubbing thing, but before you found out about what she had done when you were engaged. During that period of time that it was OK with you for her to go out. When she got in at 4am during that time. What were you thinking about what she was doing/where she was, from 1am to 4am??

 

I was thinking she was just at her friends place winding down...doing the girl talk thing. Like I said...I loved her and trusted her. I was glad to watch the kids while she had time with her friends once in a while.

So I didn't think much about it til after she was ratted out about what she did when we were engaged.

[Salicious Crumb]

I just don't understand why she even wants to go clubbing. I mean, to me, that is what you do to go out and meet people.

 

Exactly...but she claims that she doesn't need to do it and that her family is more important to her...I don't know what is going to happen...it could go either way...but divorce is coming closer in my mind to the end result.

[Salicious Crumb]

No that's not what I'm saying. That was a general thing I noticed and I am in no way saying that's why she did it. And yes no relationship is perfect and sometimes it can be hard work to keep the marriage going.

 

And no you shouldn't cheat. The proper thing would be for both people to communicate the problems and if need be enter counseling for whatever if needed. Cheating should never be on the table.

 

If your needs wern't being met and her's obviously wern't then why did you marry her?

 

Because....the fact that all of my "needs" weren't being met doesn't mean I am not happy. Nobody is going to fullfill ALL of the other's needs.

 

 

News flash for you, there were problems before you got married. Why did you go into a marriage with problems? Did you think they would go away?[/quote

 

Because I never knew about them...she hid her cheating from me because she didn't want me to call off the wedding. I went into our marriage without a clue of what she had done.

 

So the question is...why did she hide if from me and marry me if, as some ppl claim here, things were troubled?

 

I guarantee...if she had told me, or I would have found out...I would have called the wedding off.

 

True it was but if she was cheating before and was determined to keep on doing it she would have continued to do it REGARDLESS if there was a ring on or not. Can you at least understand that?

 

No...because why did she marry me?

 

I have no idea why she did it or if she thought she would stop. I don't know but did you ask her why she married you and why she continued to lead you on with lies?

 

Yes...I asked her why she married me and she said because she loves me....*sigh*...uh....ok then..??

 

 

 

She should have told you anyway. It could have avoided what your going through now.

 

No kidding...I asked her ex-friend why she, or anyone else that knew, why I wasn't told of this before I married her....her answer...."I didn't want to be the cause of your wedding not happening".

 

God I wanted to scream.

[Mz. Pixie]

Nobody is going to fullfill ALL of the other's needs.

 

 

 

This is true, however what is important and what keeps anyone from being vulnerable to an affair is to meet their spouses most important needs.

 

Everyone has needs that are different but for many women its affection and for many men it's sex- being the primary need.

[sb129]

Uh...one problem...if you are attracted to someone who is already taken, more to the point married...you move on to someone else you are attracted to. The married person isn't the only person in the world you will find attractive or that you are attracted to.

 

Because....the fact that all of my "needs" weren't being met doesn't mean I am not happy. Nobody is going to fullfill ALL of the other's needs.

.

 

Hey SC, I like these posts. There is alot more rationality in them.

 

You are still getting your point across, but it sounds like you are starting to think a little less hot-headedly, for which I commend you.

[Salicious Crumb]

This is true, however what is important and what keeps anyone from being vulnerable to an affair is to meet their spouses most important needs.

 

Everyone has needs that are different but for many women its affection .

 

If that was the case here...she can't use that one as an excuse. Affection was definitely something she didn't starve for.

[a4a]

If that was the case here...she can't use that one as an excuse. Affection was definitely something she didn't starve for.

 

Are you sure about that?

 

So many people think they are meeting their spouses needs. Some think they are working so hard to do so, and all along come to find out they were meeting the wrong need.

 

MC would do you good.

[Salicious Crumb]

Hey SC, I like these posts. There is alot more rationality in them.

 

You are still getting your point across, but it sounds like you are starting to think a little less hot-headedly, for which I commend you.

 

Thanks...hopefully I won't dissappoint in the near future..there are still alot of people here that only care about their little "needs" that think about themselves and nothing of the people's lives they are helping to destroy that get my blood boiling.

 

So I can't promise ya that I won't chew some ass in the future...LOL

[Salicious Crumb]

Are you sure about that?

 

So many people think they are meeting their spouses needs. Some think they are working so hard to do so, and all along come to find out they were meeting the wrong need.

 

MC would do you good.

 

Well if I wasn't meeting her affection requirements, then there is such a thing as an unattainable goal.

 

Like I have said in posts before...you can break your back trying to please someone....are you suppose to kill yourself to stave off cheating?

[sb129]

But really, as one of the other posters said, there are always going to be OM/OW on LS, and they DO have just as much right to be here as you, so maybe you should just focus on your own stuff.

 

Anyway, have you laughed today?

[Mz. Pixie]

If that was the case here...she can't use that one as an excuse. Affection was definitely something she didn't starve for.

 

It's just that emotional needs are different for everyone. It's a good idea to get your spouse's top five emotional needs down before you get married. Hindsight I know but this time I got married I read His Needs/Her Needs how to affair proof your marriage.

 

For instance, my top emotional need may be attention from my spouse. But my H's might be openness and honesty. If I sit there and give him all this attention I may think I'm meeting his need- but when it comes down to it his top need is openness and honesty so giving him attention wouldn't be giving him what he desired most. Does that make sense??

 

I'm not saying this is the case with your sitch- I'm just saying in general this is what humans do. We give the other person the thing that we like the most and we think we're setting the world on fire- when the other person is really wanting us to give them something else.

 

This is where a great marriage counselor would come into play.

 

Wouldn't your children be worth the investment of a marriage counselor and some sessions?? Just so you can figure out what's going on and what you want to happen???

[ThumbingMyWay]

Anyway, have you laughed today?

 

so a baby seal walks into a club....

 

 

 

 

 

ba dum bum.....LOL

 

 

now thats funny....

[VinaAmez]

Because....the fact that all of my "needs" weren't being met doesn't mean I am not happy. Nobody is going to fullfill ALL of the other's needs.

 

True but the most important ones should be. Do you know what her's are?

 

Because I never knew about them...she hid her cheating from me because she didn't want me to call off the wedding. I went into our marriage without a clue of what she had done.

 

So the question is...why did she hide if from me and marry me if, as some ppl claim here, things were troubled?

 

There's part of it right there. I don't know what she was thinking but she shouldn't have married you and you should have known. People do stupid things and yes I have my own opinions on this but some of the reasons people come up with are just unbelieveable and try to justify the actions.

 

I still do think that there were troubles to begin with. You can't tell me that everything was fine and that you had a healthy relationship. If that were true then we wouldn't be talking about this now would we? You may have thought things were good on your end, but maybe they wern't on hers. If she felt they weren't then she should have communicated to you about it instead of cheating. That way you both could have worked on it.

 

Sure you were kept in the loop. You like a lot of other people are usually the last ones to find out.

 

BTW how long have you been married?

[Sup]

It STILL sounds like people are trying to blame you SC, by saying that YOU weren't doing enough, I think that's BULLCRAP!!!!! You're not at fault at all. I think your wife, if you don't mind me saying this, just wanted to go out and find a good screw with someone else, IMO, and still get married, then she wanted to cover it up, thus putting you this in this situation.

[VinaAmez]

It STILL sounds like people are trying to blame you SC, by saying that YOU weren't doing enough, I think that's BULLCRAP!!!!! You're not at fault at all. I think your wife, if you don't mind me saying this, just wanted to go out and find a good screw with someone else, IMO, and still get married, then she wanted to cover it up, thus putting you this in this situation.

But she still cheated during the marriage.

[serial muse]

It STILL sounds like people are trying to blame you SC, by saying that YOU weren't doing enough, I think that's BULLCRAP!!!!! You're not at fault at all. I think your wife, if you don't mind me saying this, just wanted to go out and find a good screw with someone else, IMO, and still get married, then she wanted to cover it up, thus putting you this in this situation.

 

Not really to speak for anyone else, but IMO, I don't think that most people are saying this at all. I'm the first to agree with SC's basic premise: there is NEVER an excuse for cheating. I've said it in multiple places on these boards, and I've never wavered on that point. Do I think SC is to blame for his wife's cheating?

 

NO. No no no! Cheating is a CHOICE that his wife made. That's all on her. I agree with that 100%.

 

But look: that doesn't mean his marriage was fabulous aside from that. It doesn't necessarily mean he was a model husband, as he says, or that he couldn't have paid closer attention to her needs. Who knows? I have no idea if that's true or not, because I wasn't there. But I think it's fair to question that, because these are the same questions people pose to EVERY COUPLE. He has said often that he did everything a model husband should do. Others have said, well, people are individual and it's not about what a "model" husband should do, it's about what "she" might have wanted him to do. And vice versa.

 

Regardless, he has protested often that she shouldn't have wanted anything he didn't provide, and that sends off warning bells, because it's kind of a fundamental point about listening to each other in a marriage that's really hard to dispute. Does the fact that he may have missed something mean he shouldn't kick her to the curb for cheating? Well, no, not necessarily. She did cheat, and that sucks. Also, she sounds like she isn't really owning up to her responsibility in the situation, and sucks even more. So maybe he should kick her out.

 

I mean, I'm sure he's a great dad, and tried hard to be a good husband in his way. But that isn't the sole point. He's here, looking for advice, and it seems fair enough that people would give him advice about how to work on himself, and how to proceed from here, which goes beyond "she sucks" and "kick her a$$ out".

 

It may be that she totally sucks and he should just kick her a$$ out. But then what? She isn't here to hear us lay into her, and meanwhile, he still has his own issues to deal with; they won't have gone anywhere. From what I read, most people are just responding to that, and trying to help him, because he's our concern here - since she isn't reading any of this anyway. It has nothing to do with whether they think he's wrong to be mad that she screwed him over. Of course he has every right to be mad!! I think the purpose of the thread is to try to help him and focus on how he can move forward from this to a healthier ultimate relationship - which may or may not be with her.

 

IMO.

[whichwayisup]

The problem is, she was broken before they even got married. She cheated on him and start out their marriage in a lie. Unfortunately she neglected to tell him all this and let him have a choice. Maybe she thought once she was married all would be OK - That she wouldn't cheat on him and that she'd grow up.

SC was left clueless - Her evenings, late nights out with girl friends, having fun. Why would he doubt her seeing as he didn't know that she was (is) capable of cheating?

 

Bottomline right now - SC needs to vent out his anger, here and in therapy so he can atleast get to a point where he can make a decision to fix the marriage, encourage HER to go to individual counselling and together do MC. Or divorce. He's in limbo right now and telling him to "get over it" or "it's been 6 months, you ought to stop being angry, forgive her and loosen up" is NOT going to help. It just makes him feel attacked and his feelings unvalidated, when infact he has every right to feel the way he does.

 

What has she done to try to redeem herself in his eyes? Has she been a complete open book? Has she admitted her mistakes, taken responsibility for her actions? Does she want to be a better wife, a more stable mother, instead of partying it up dancing in some club? And I'm not saying she has no right to a life, but she does have to act responsible and like a married person.