longlaffer Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 Everyone has a problem... Mine? I am engaged to a man I adore, love and respect. A man who has never been married and is in his 40's. That brings its own set of issues. He has been an incredibly moral and good man. He has relied on masturbation and porn rather than meaningless encounters with women. Guess what problems that brings to the table... Long term masturbation and porn, makes it his preferred way to obtain sexual pleasure. It's quick and easy. I, on the other hand, am slow and a lot of work... He loves to make sure that I am sexually satisfied, always great about that but cannot obtain ultimate pleasure from intercourse with me. The guilt from the porn, I believe, as well as the predictability and routine of his own hand, bring ED at times as well as an inability to orgasm with me. This man loves me deeply, is one of a kind, and knows that I love him, but this is a difficult situation. If I MUST, I will accept it, to have a life with him. Will I always feel disappointment and rejection? Maybe. If I were like the other 50 something women I know, I would be happy to have a guy who won't always be bothering me for sex. ...but I am young and fit and always ready... I know it isn't me. He is saddened by the situation as well, mostly because it bothers me. He is a solitary guy, never meant to fall in love and look forward to marriage. He needs a lot of space and freedom to pursue his own activities and goals. He WANTS to be alone much of the time. When he comes out of his cave, though, I am the one he wants. We are beginning counseling very soon. Perhaps that will help us solve or overlook our issues. Do you think we can be happy? I hope you agree with me! The answer is yes. I can and will be happy with such a great human being...
Curmudgeon Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 If I were like the other 50 something women I know, I would be happy to have a guy who won't always be bothering me for sex. I don't know what kind of 50-something women you know but my 58-year old wife loves to be "bothered" for sex, just as she did at 48 when we married. As for the rest, let's hope the counseling works. Nowadays sex therapists can do a lot to help overcome problems.
dropdeadlegs Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 I didn't know this could happen until coming to LS, but you are not the first poster with this question. Look through the archives and you may find someone who has overcome the issue. I bet with therapy this can be changed. Pills are always an option.
luvstarved Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 I can relate to this in some ways. My H did not rely SO much on porn but has been into masturbation pretty big. It has affected our sex life, which started out FANTASTIC. He is very uncomfortable with this whole subject line but from what I can gather, he had relationships but it seemed like he had a history of just bailing when the cost/benefit wasn't working out (woman had expectations, the sex became boring, whatever) and has stated to me on several occasions (when I tried to get some info on his history) that he was happier doing himself than going through the hassle of relationships. Charming, eh? Well lucky for me in a way because I do love him. The point is, I do not know whether it can be solved. He and I are in the process of working on it. He does not have difficulty now acheiving orgasm with me but it does seem like it is in some ways work for him and he has not gotten back to the point of the old days of really interacting with me and does not at this time reciprocate on oral (which is a shame because he is so good at it). But we had a nearly sexless few years and when we first started back, he had a very difficult time "performing". I did not have as much of a fight with the porn, he looked at it only once every few months for 10 or 15 minutes,, but it was heading in the direction of more frequency. The variety of porn and the whole good looking naked women who live only to please notion is hard to compete against and it will be hard to overcome. I think it can be overcome but it has to be with the concerted efforts of both of you. If you cannot be open and patient with each other, not much is likely to change and if it bothers you now, it will drive you COMPLETELY INSANE within a couple of years. Counseling is a good idea, but the right counselor is a must. Someone who can help tap into what can really work for you, as there is no one-cure-fits-all here. Just some random thoughts that might or might not be useful: 1) I think he really needs to GET AWAY from the porn. Even if you are open minded about it, it will aggravate the situation. He can always continue to use imagination, and maybe you could try talking dirty or something to spark things up, but relying on actual visual images is something he should try to at least wean himself off of. It ain't gonna help you as a couple. 2) Perhaps you could try to get him to teach you how to give him a good hand job. No, it won't be as good as HE can do, but it might break the ice and it might just work and lead to better things. 3) NEVER FORGET it ISN'T YOU!!!! I had a lot of agony of blaming myself and feeling inadequate and that didn't help either. I still struggle with this but deep down I know it isn't me. 4) I have talked to some guys I know who also have fallen into a life of masturbation, by choice or circumstance and I get the message from them that the bottom line is that their sexual interest pretty much entirely revolves around their own penis. The porn is just for nameless, worry free visual stimulation and most of them seem to prefer blow job and cum shot type stuff - ie stuff that revolves around the male member. I don't know what you might do with that information, other than to possibly allow yourself a period of time to take an extra level of interest in his package...although in such a way as to try to meanwhile avoid any sort of performance pressure. Well I don't know if any of the above is useful but just thought I would share...I really do relate to your situation, and wish you the very best.
IWalkAlone Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 Maybe if women in their 20s and 30s weren't mostly into the "bad boys" and hotties and gave the responsible but less dramatic men more of a chance, then maybe there wouldn't be so many men who reach their 40s who are so into porn masturbation because tey had too few opportunities for anything else.
whichwayisup Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 If he really wants to change and become the energizer bunny in the bedroom, he'll talk to his DR and get a refferal from a therapist to help him get out of the habit of using porn, and masterbating so much. He needs to ween himself off of it and get used to your body so he can have that orgasm. Support him and encourage him in a positive way.
Author longlaffer Posted March 2, 2007 Author Posted March 2, 2007 Much appreciated. I think I knew a lot of this. I have to ALWAYS remind myself that it isn't me. I KNOW I look great and am a fabulous person, equal to his fabulosity! LOL. THAT is a contant fight for me. Interesting that oral or hand from me...just kills it. Even a great BJ doesn't do it for him. He tries and he tries hard. My next request, when the time is right, will be for him and us to just abstain for a couple of weeks, hoping to find him a little needy... Will that work? I just don't know. We do have great sex, he just can't arrive with intercourse... or a BJ or anything from me. When he tries to abstain, himself, waits for me and can't succeed, I feel certain that I must make sure that he takes care of his need. I have been asking him to "finish" with intercourse and he does, actually seems to like it, but I think it is just to pacify me. We just keep trying... If I didn't love him so darned much... lol Also, he said he was going to give up the porn, now that he has me. I have no idea if he has. I am not going to check his internet history because I just don't want to know about something that I can't control. He says he did just use it to get off...but now he has me. Unfortunately, I accidently discovered the porn sites (I say accidently because I looked at his history just once and never even considered I would find porn. He is just a really interesting guy and I was curious what his interests were... REALLY). So now, a few months later, I just can't bear to break his trust and even look. I just have to trust him but something tells me that it isn't that easy to just quit. We are starting with couples counseling. He needs to determine if he can really be in a long term relationship, or marriage. He loves being by himself... I am the bubbling extrovert who loves having people around... It is interesting... Anyway, thank all of you for your input. I might appreciate more male input as well. Anything to help.
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