whichwayisup Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 Topper, honestly I did like sex with him but I prefer it when emotions are invovled. I cannot separate sex from emotions -> cannot have casual sex. Unfortunately, many men CAN separate emotions and can have casual sex. If this situation is hurting you as much as I think it is - AND as good as the sex may be, if you continue having sex with your ex, it will mess you up. You'll never be open to finding someone else. Your body, your heart won't let you fall for anyone else UNTIL you say NO to him and close him out of your life. Short term fun and feeling good isn't worth the long term pain you'll feel if you stay with him as a sex buddy.
Topper Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 Thats part of your conflict. One part of you like the sex. It is with someone you know and it is familiar. Yet on the other hand you know it hurts you as a person. It is degrading and as you said humiliating to be used this way. The whole thing is like breaking a bad habit. You seem to understand that on some level. Now you need to find away to stop hurting yourself with this guy. You need to take back your self respect.
Author Sun_Conure Posted March 1, 2007 Author Posted March 1, 2007 "word - and you are a complete idiot for even having a one second thought to utter a single word to him. If he hurts you again, uses you for a cumdumpster again, or "abuses" you it is simply because you allow it and you must like it." (a4a). Those wise words kind of make me stick to my decision not to talk to him. I am being strong and not going to even see if he is online to day. It is 3 pm right now, the work is boring and I really need something to do. Usually I chat with him on the messenger. As I am not doing this any longer, I am BORED. Maybe actually working will help .... Hard day 1 of NC
Topper Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 You can always post here if you are bored. You might even learn a thing or two.
Author Sun_Conure Posted March 2, 2007 Author Posted March 2, 2007 It is almost 5 pm here, soon I will go home. NC is not that difficult once I acknowledged that I really need and want it and kept myself busy the whole day. Evenings are easy for me I actually feel better that I am not talking to him and do not appear online. The only question is what to do if and when he calls? Judging from my prior experience with him, he most probably will call either in two weeks or two-three months and he will be very persistent. Any ideas on what to do about it?
Topper Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 Well Lets see what to do about it? You got plenty of time to finda new friend to hang out with. Then when the azz calls you just say Oh I'm seeing someone.
Author Sun_Conure Posted March 2, 2007 Author Posted March 2, 2007 Oh, I did that several times. Does not work. He keeps calling, IMing, textmessenging, etc. Right now I feel like not responding to his contacts unless he emails a huge apology and asks for something more then just sex. Only then I might CONSIDER talking to him again and I am not sure if I would want to. Does that sound good?
norajane Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 Oh, I did that several times. Does not work. He keeps calling, IMing, textmessenging, etc. Right now I feel like not responding to his contacts unless he emails a huge apology and asks for something more then just sex. Only then I might CONSIDER talking to him again and I am not sure if I would want to. Does that sound good? Why are you answering the phone? Why are you reading his mails? Why aren't you just deleting everything he sends you, whether it be email or text? No, do not CONSIDER talking to him, under any circumstances. Seriously, what do you need him to do before you get it that he's a jerk and is NEVER going to treat you well? FORGET ABOUT HIM.
Art_Critic Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 Sun... When it comes to making a point and moving on " Silence speaks the loudest " I have had a gf never speak to me after a breakup before.. she never answered any of my emails, calls, flowers or whatever I tried.. It killed me.. but it spoke more to me than if she had kept the ball rolling.
Author Sun_Conure Posted March 2, 2007 Author Posted March 2, 2007 I know he is a jerk. I have a problem with "letting it go" and "forgeting him." I hoped that people here would support me withouth insulting me. I know that I am responsible for establishing boundaries with other people, but I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO. I HAVE NO IDEA HOW A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP LOOKS LIKE.
whichwayisup Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 But you know this situation isn't healthy for you and you know it's an unhealthy relationship too. All you have to do is tell him it's over - and then block/delete him from your IM list. Or even better yet, create a new account, move over ONLY people who are your friends, NOT HIM. Get call display for your phone so it can go to voicemail if he calls you. I'm sure it will hurt and you'll be in some pain, but you won't be used by him anymore! Sun, you're better off alone than with this big jerk! He doesn't respect you at all.
Art_Critic Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 I hoped that people here would support me withouth insulting me. I went back and reread my post.. I didn't think I was insulting to you.. I really was trying to get you to see that Silence is a strong Sledge Hammer in some situations.. Good Luck
Author Sun_Conure Posted March 2, 2007 Author Posted March 2, 2007 Art_Critic I did not mean that you insulted me. I was just talking in general. Hmm ... or maybe I am just passive agressive again ... defensive mode
Art_Critic Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 defensive mode Being defensive can be a product of someone who is involved with someone like you describe.. none of us are perfect and we all have our own demons that we deal with.. LS is a great forum and sounding board for someone going thru and working issues out.. .. Keep on coming back...
whichwayisup Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 Some give tough love which comes across harshly, but you got to look at it this way, if we didn't care, we wouldn't reply, right? You may not like all the responses, but in my experience with helping others here on LS, it's the tough love that sinks in and actually makes a poster stop and think. And hopefully DO the changes necessary to get themselves out of a sticky situation.
Author Sun_Conure Posted March 2, 2007 Author Posted March 2, 2007 whichwayisup, Art_Critic I really like this board and I like what people tell me here. Some words are harsh but they are helpful. I appreciate everything Honestly
Raleuse Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 Sun, I'm exactly in the same boat right now. In my case it's not even an ex-boyfriend but more of an ex-best friend or shall we call it an ex-FWB? And I'm the victim of verbal abuse - sex has been long gone. I too keep thinking conflicting stuff - one minute I'm grateful we never managed to be in a relationship realising how bad things would have been if we had been, the next I'm longing for him to love me (like most abusers, he can be the most charming guy). I've read a lot lately about the topic of abuse which has led me to read about personality disorders and co-dependence/women who love too much. Interesting stuff that has helped me understand why I'm so confused and unable to detach or let go. Things have changed during the past few months but it can often take longer than that to be able to detach completely. the good thing with detachment is that you do eventually stop loving and NC will come naturally then. The positive in all this is that it does force us to look at our own issues: why are we doing this to ourselves? Hopefully we will do better the next time by knowing ourselves better.
littlekitty Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 All you have to do is tell him it's over - and then block/delete him from your IM list. Or even better yet, create a new account, move over ONLY people who are your friends, NOT HIM. Get call display for your phone so it can go to voicemail if he calls you. This is a good idea. Get a new number even if you have to. I've been here, done this. These types of men keep you hanging by a tiny thread of hope. But that hope is never really there. And he will never give you what you really want from him. Even if he did apologise and ask for a proper relationship, do you seriously think it would work out? Probably not - too much water under the bridge I'd think. Start writing down all the bad things he's done to you. Focus on the bad things in the relationship if you have to. Really examine how you allowed yourself to be treated. Once it dawned on me the situation I'd allowed myself to get in to, it was much easier to walk away and realise what a good relationship was really about. Start looking around for relationship role models. People who have strong and happy relationships. Talk to them about what makes it strong and good and compare.
a4a Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 I know he is a jerk. I have a problem with "letting it go" and "forgeting him." I hoped that people here would support me withouth insulting me. I know that I am responsible for establishing boundaries with other people, but I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO. I HAVE NO IDEA HOW A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP LOOKS LIKE. Well you have to think about what you are getting out of the R. Perhaps if you looked at to what makes you think you need him in your life or want him it would make it easier to let go. Do you think you cannot do better? Do you think you are the one to fix him? Are you that lonely and he is the only person in your life that shows you affection? The guy is using you and has you brainwashed..... that is not "love" or even friendship. Do you really want to be rid of him? It doesn't sound like it. No matter how many people tell you that he is an ass won't matter. Until you really realize it, it doesn't matter. Wouldn't he make a great dad? I cannot believe that baby crap he is pulling either....... disgusting at best..... a simply tool to reel you in at will.
Author Sun_Conure Posted March 2, 2007 Author Posted March 2, 2007 a4a I think you are right. I want to want to get rid of him, if that makes sense. Regarding baby stuff, my view is that he wants to have a baby in general. I, on the other hand, never mentioned babies at all and actually avoided this subject. Then he squized answers out of me by persistent questions in the several months period. It kind of annoyed me because I took this subject seriously. I personally do not tell this stuff to guys if we are not in a serious long term relationship. So I never considered him to be serious about this. He does not want a baby with me, he only likes to talk about it and likes to see my reaction. I was supposed to be all happy that he shows such a serious interest. He sounded very immature at best and manipulative. With respect to love or friendship, I know he does not love me. I see his manipulative tricks. His favorite is "hot and cold approach." First, he persistently pursuise me for a long time. Then he raises his demands. I usually say no. He gets angry and says goodbyes to me, leaves me alone for a while. If I contact him after this, he considers this as a yes on my part and starts persuasion again. I say no and stop talking to him. In two weeks period of not talking to each other, he calls. By that time, I usually do not really want to talk to him and do not take his phone calls. He calls persistently untill I take it. There were several times when I took the phone by mistake. I thought it was someone else or did not look at the number. Once I take a phone he is all nice again. And the cycle starts again. As he comes up with a better deal for me, I might give in or sometimes I just want sex In any case, I think I can do better then him. There are plenty of good guys who want to sleep with me and who want to have a relationship with me. I have an idea about why I cannot let him go. I had several short term relationships during last year and a half and I always ended them once guys started talking about relationships and stuff like that. My counselor thinks that all guys I meet now are rebounds for me due to the divorce. I left my husband year and a half ago. It was a 7 year marriage and I am young. Actually, I kind of broke up with this ex bf also after he began talking about exclusivity, relationship, gf/bf status, marriage, moving in together. Do I have a phobia of committment? In any case, nothing justifies his treatment of me. I know this. NC is difficult
Topper Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 Hang in there with the N/C Seems like yoyu don't havea problem with attracting guys. So this might not be a problem for you for to long.
Author Sun_Conure Posted March 4, 2007 Author Posted March 4, 2007 Today was a sad day. For some reason, I stopped being a happy person recently. I am thinking that I need to work out more. Hmm ... I need to work out. He talked to me recently. I am proud that I could stand my ground with him, did not let him get involved in the argument, did not offer anything and did not agree to anything. In general, the conversation was ok. It was on my terms at least. He has this annoying manner to change the course of any conversation. For example, he could call and start pleading me for something. Then I say no, and suddenly it is I who is pleading him. It took me a while to realize how he was doing it. Cannot use this trick anymore Dealing with him is like a learning experience for me. If I can stand my ground with him, I can certainly act adequately with other guys ...
Raleuse Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 Dealing with him is like a learning experience for me. If I can stand my ground with him, I can certainly act adequately with other guys ... Exactly! I think that we learn a lot through having to deal with such changeing/manipulative/abusive people. I only hope I will not be blinded by love again and will be able to spot the signs.
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