Sun_Conure Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 I have a hard time starting and maintaining NC with my ex bf. We dated a year ago, then broke up, then they he started to call me often. He was very persistent but he wanted to date me only few times and we went out only on two dates. However, we had sex. Recently, he again ended things with me on the grounds that I could not handle the situation with him dating someone else concurrently with maintaining a sexual thing with me. After his decision to end things, he came back again asking to continue in the same fashion. I said NO. I know it all sounds pretty bad and I want to move on from this man. He says that he is "extremely attracted to me" and is "into me" but it is hard to tell from his behavior. I belive that NC would be an answer for me. At some point during the NC he either will come back wanting to start a real relationship with me or he will disappear forever. However, I have a problem with actually starting and maintaining NC. We spend a lot of time online, talking though messengers. And I have an access to messenger at work and home. I know I will never call him, but I cannot stop initiating messege exchanges. What could I do?
norajane Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 DELETE his email address, phone number, messenger id's, and BLOCK him from all of those. Not only is this unhealthy for you, it is prolonging your pain, and it is preventing you from moving on to someone who can actually be your boyfriend instead of whatever this dude wants to be at any given time. LET HIM GO.
ratingsguy Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 Ditto what NJ said. It's up to you to decide if you want a FWB relationship... because it sounds like that's all he's willing to offer you. Personally I think FWB opens the door for a lot of inevitable emotional hurt. If IMs are the only thing tripping you up when it comes to NC, block him! This guy sounds like a creep IMHO. Move on yesterday.
polywog Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 Like they said, MOVE ON!!! I have been in the exact same situation, and it was horrible. Kept me in a state of heartbreak. Who needs it? Not you!
Author Sun_Conure Posted March 1, 2007 Author Posted March 1, 2007 Thank you all! I know that I NEED to move on. The problem is I have no idea how to. I keep blocking and unblocking him in the messenger. Today I uninstalled it from my computer at work. Hope this might help. The only time when I stopped IMing him was when my computer broke and I did not have access to the internet at all. It is not going to happen now I tried self-persuasion but it does not work either. My guess is that I am a kind of person who forgives really fast and who would never ever do anything to harm another person. Actually, every time when I break up with a guy and know there is no way I would ever consider taking him back, I refuse to even speak to that guy. I know how hard it is to move on and it is much easier to move on without any contact at all. Anyway, that ex bf says that he likes me and that he always wants me. At the same time he is mean sometimes and he could tell stuff like "I like you but not for a LONG term." That is mean! Also there were times when I stopped talking to him, stopped taking his phone calls, and of course did not call him myself. During those times, he usually began to call persuasively, like every day every hour or two untill I take the phone. I definitely do not want to have a FWB with him or anyone for that matter. What do I do?
Author Sun_Conure Posted March 1, 2007 Author Posted March 1, 2007 oh, I just remembered one more thing. I always smile when I think about it! Many months ago my ex bf told me that he wanted to have a child with me and he never stopped talking about it. He not only demands sex, he also demands a baby. When I ask him if he wanted to take responsibility for a baby, he says no. He could not promise that he would stay with me or the baby. Once we had a whole discussion about that and he inquired if I wanted to get a financial help from him if we have a baby together. It was unbelievable! I cannot understand why he would even talk about it, how he could be serious about that, and what the hell does he want from me!? By the way, I NEVER mentioned babies or marriage when we were dating and I NEVER even looked at babies. So that was his idea! What do you think?
In Sync Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 You are being emotionally abused in this relationship and sex is the weapon of choice he's using to keep you in a no win situation. it may feel good temporarily but the lack of respect he has for you is going to wreck havoc on you down the line and take months to heal from. We have all been there thinking e-mails are equated to meaningful relationship or that he /she cares..it's total b.s. IM is just a means of buying in a dellusion. let him go. it's not going to be easy but what you have described is worse.
Author Sun_Conure Posted March 1, 2007 Author Posted March 1, 2007 In Sync, my counselor also thinks it is an emotionally abusive situation for me and that he is not good to be around. I know that the situation is not healthy at all. But my problem is that I cannot end it. There were several times during the last year when I was so angry at him that I did not want to see or hear from him ever again and every time he was very persistent. Right now I can see his manupulation tricks and I even know oftentimes what to do to avoid them. Untill recently I was too emotional but not anymore. However, the question remains: what to do? I know it is my responsibility to stop him treatining me like this, but it is not that easy. I cannot believe anyone could be that bad. He was a very nice guy when we dated, very patient and funny. Granted, he always crossed my boundaries, but it did not seem too bad. WHAT DO I DO? I NEED TO GET OUT! Do not send me to a counselor, I am already seeing one.
norajane Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 But my problem is that I cannot end it. Oh, yes you can! You have the power to do so, but you won't. Delete all his contact info, do not contact him in any way, do not reply to anything he does to contact you, stay away from him, do not talk to him. You CAN do it, but you are telling yourself you can't, as though you are helpless. You are not helpless. Just stop it. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR ACTIONS.
LN99 Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 Ok, this guy sounds like a complete LOSER! He cannot commit to you and only you...but wants you to have a baby with him and be at his beck and call for sex. Yet, he wants no part of any type of Commitment and own up to anything that bears responsibility for his actions! BIG RED FLAG there. You DESERVE better! I know you might not think so(deep down), but you do. Stop all contact with him. You're LETTING him mess with your mind! There are OTHER men out there that are WILLING to commit. Go find one of them.
In Sync Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 In Sync, my counselor also thinks it is an emotionally abusive situation for me and that he is not good to be around. I know that the situation is not healthy at all. But my problem is that I cannot end it. There were several times during the last year when I was so angry at him that I did not want to see or hear from him ever again and every time he was very persistent. Right now I can see his manupulation tricks and I even know oftentimes what to do to avoid them. Untill recently I was too emotional but not anymore. However, the question remains: what to do? I know it is my responsibility to stop him treatining me like this, but it is not that easy. I cannot believe anyone could be that bad. He was a very nice guy when we dated, very patient and funny. Granted, he always crossed my boundaries, but it did not seem too bad. WHAT DO I DO? I NEED TO GET OUT! Do not send me to a counselor, I am already seeing one. This may seem like a far out answer but please read through it. Imagine your child was going through the emotional abuse by man. (the very thought of any child going through any abuse is enough to motivate us to move and react isn't it?) Yet imagine YOUR child is going through such abuse. Would you sit back and say. Well it's fault. He's manipulting her...I can't control him. I don't think a single person would buy that. Yes..you'd find a way to take that child away from the abuser and BOLT! ...Well my dear..that same child is within you. Protect her. In other words protect your precious self.
Kwo-ne'-she Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 In Sync, my counselor also thinks it is an emotionally abusive situation for me and that he is not good to be around. I know that the situation is not healthy at all. But my problem is that I cannot end it. There were several times during the last year when I was so angry at him that I did not want to see or hear from him ever again and every time he was very persistent. Of course he will be persistent. You have something he wants. He also knows, from your past behavior, that if he badgers you, you will give in. Right now I can see his manupulation tricks and I even know oftentimes what to do to avoid them. Untill recently I was too emotional but not anymore. However, the question remains: what to do? I know it is my responsibility to stop him treatining me like this, but it is not that easy. It isn't easy. Walking away from someone you love, is one of the hardest things you may ever have to do. Especially when they are constantly pleading with you to come back, telling you that they love/need/want you. However, mouthing the words and showing it are two entirely different things. Have his actions showed you that he loves you? From what you just described, the answer is "no". I cannot believe anyone could be that bad. He was a very nice guy when we dated, very patient and funny. Granted, he always crossed my boundaries, but it did not seem too bad. WHAT DO I DO? I NEED TO GET OUT! Do not send me to a counselor, I am already seeing one. Counseling is good, and works for some people. Recognizing that there is a problem is a major step. Seeking help for it, through therapy & advice boards, shows you are starting down that path towards change. Keep moving forward. Get support from people who have your best interests at heart. He obviously doesn't.
Guest Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 I agree with NJ as usual. Delete him. Another thing if he's this demanding after only dating be glad its not 20 yrs later and you are married to this guy. Why are you letting anyone puts demands on you? He knows he has you under his thumb because you keep letting him. This is all about control. Its not about love, respect or anything positive. He's like a puppetmaster pulling on a string and watching you perform and you keep handing him the string.
Author Sun_Conure Posted March 1, 2007 Author Posted March 1, 2007 Thank you guys, I really appreciate everything! Yesterday I was so determined not to talk to him ever. When I came to work today I began to think that I could actually install my messenger again and see what he is up to. Then I checked your responses and I am so glad I did that first. Now I do not want to talk to him or see him or install my messenger. Now I feel determined to stop talking to him. My issue is that I have a 10 year habit on talking over messengers. This habit is not easy to break. And when I am on the messenger I keep blocking and unblocking him. That is why it was much easier not to talk to him when I did not have a computer. Also I never tell people everything he tells me. I know people would be surprised that I still could be interested in a guy that treats me like this. I would feel humiliated and I do not want that. It is sooo difficult!
Topper Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 This guy just gets horny. He knows how to push your bottons. He says the things he knows you want to hear so he can get layed. He uses you for a sperm depository. Your just one step up from masturbating in this guys eyes. Sounds harsh. That just might be what you need, a good slap in the face to wake you up. there are a lot of other good guys out there. Ones that would show you some respect and treat you right. Start looking for someone else to go out with.
a4a Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 This guy just gets horny. He knows how to push your bottons. He says the things he knows you want to hear so he can get layed. He uses you for a sperm depository. Your just one step up from masturbating in this guys eyes. Sounds harsh. That just might be what you need, a good slap in the face to wake you up. there are a lot of other good guys out there. Ones that would show you some respect and treat you right. Start looking for someone else to go out with. word - and you are a complete idiot for even having a one second thought to utter a single word to him. If he hurts you again, uses you for a cumdumpster again, or "abuses" you it is simply because you allow it and you must like it.
Author Sun_Conure Posted March 1, 2007 Author Posted March 1, 2007 Topper, I think you are right. I did not want to admit this to myself, but that is exactly what is going on. He likes sex with me, he gets horny, he calls persistently, and in a month or so he gets sex with me. What do I get from this? His promises of dating once "I stop being crazy." According to him, my reaction is not normal and I should work on it. Well, I wanted to end it for months now but always changed my mind after some time thinking that no one could be that bad. Last time when he ended things because I voiced my opinion about what was going on ("crazy talk" according to him), I decided not to take him back. He was persistent for several days, then used his other manipulation technique and now I am supposed not to talk to him. For some reason it is so hard for me! My guess is that I cannot believe ANYONE could be as bad as he is, ANYONE could treat another person like this. I know there are abusers out there, but he seemed like a gentle, good guy at the beginning. Well, I should just learn how to establish boundaries with people, especially guys, how to learn not to do anything that is uncomfortable for me.
Author Sun_Conure Posted March 1, 2007 Author Posted March 1, 2007 a4a, harsh words but true. I KNOW he is bad for me and anyone for that matter, I KNOW what he is doing, I SEE his tricks.
a4a Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 a4a, harsh words but true. I KNOW he is bad for me and anyone for that matter, I KNOW what he is doing, I SEE his tricks. so if you allow it to continue... you are an idiot right? this guy is probably laughing himself silly that he can bang you at will and warp your mind.
Kwo-ne'-she Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 My guess is that I cannot believe ANYONE could be as bad as he is, ANYONE could treat another person like this. I know there are abusers out there, but he seemed like a gentle, good guy at the beginning. They are all "good guys" in the beginning. Would any of us seriously get involved if they acted like controlling, abusive bastards from day one? No. Men like this are on their best, most charming behavior at first. To "win" us over. It is only after they have reached their comfort level in the relationship that they start showing their true selves. Well, I should just learn how to establish boundaries with people, especially guys, how to learn not to do anything that is uncomfortable for me. Precisely. You have created a pattern of behavior here. By you "giving in", you are letting him know it is acceptable. If it no longer is, then put an end to it.
a4a Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 Hey Sun would your EX bf go by the name Alphamale? :lmao:
Author Sun_Conure Posted March 1, 2007 Author Posted March 1, 2007 Ok, I kind of secretly hoped that someone would tell me that he is actually in love with me and that I am acting unreasonably (his idea) so his behavior is totally acceptable. Hmm ... I guess it is not going to happen. The universal opinion (including my friends and my counselor and myself) is that he is a jerk and that he is using me for sex only. It is not a matter of opinion anymore, it is a FACT. I do not want to be with a guy like this in any capacity, even as his gf whom he could treat nicely. He is just not good for me. Now I just need to remind this to myself every single minute and to forget about how nice he could be and was to me earlier.
a4a Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 Ok, I kind of secretly hoped that someone would tell me that he is actually in love with me and that I am acting unreasonably (his idea) so his behavior is totally acceptable. Hmm ... I guess it is not going to happen. The universal opinion (including my friends and my counselor and myself) is that he is a jerk and that he is using me for sex only. It is not a matter of opinion anymore, it is a FACT. I do not want to be with a guy like this in any capacity, even as his gf whom he could treat nicely. He is just not good for me. Now I just need to remind this to myself every single minute and to forget about how nice he could be and was to me earlier. oh boy another female wanting to make a fantasy real and hoping that it is true. Female fantasy factor....... kinda like when she is physically abused and believes the guy when he says he is sorry and it will never happen again. sheesh. but he says he loves me and he did not mean to knock out my teeth only to get me to listen.......... :rolleyes: I know he is a good guy
Topper Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 One reason you might be giving in ,is because you happen to like the sex part. No shame in admitting you may in some way just enjoy the sex. The rest of this guys act is just BS. So buy yourself toy.Or find a guy That you can have sex with that won't play this game with your emotions. By the way my phone number is ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, Kidding
Author Sun_Conure Posted March 1, 2007 Author Posted March 1, 2007 Topper, honestly I did like sex with him but I prefer it when emotions are invovled. I cannot separate sex from emotions -> cannot have casual sex.
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