Dread Part II

[oppath]

Crap. Similar to McFadden I think I will see my ex of ~ 2 months this weekend. I never understood why she dumped me -- something about really having feelings for me but needing to find herself because she hadn't been single in years -- I suspected something else was up but can look back and say she was being 1/2 truthful, desiring to gain some independence she's never had.

 

Regardless, 2 weeks after the breakup, when I politely declined an invitation to a mutual friends bday she sent out because I wasn't ready to be friends, she responded with

I understand why you don't want to go. And the invitation was not unintentional. If you change your mind the invitation is always open. Let me know when you're down to have a "friends with benefits" relationship.

I felt belittled, insulted, degraded, just horrible. I called her on it. I was probably excessively long but I didn't say anything mean other than telling her I didn't understand her reasons for breaking up and it was tough enough for me to process, and she was selfish for getting into a relationship if she weren't ready and very selfish and cruel for asking for frieinds with benefits and that she didn't respect me.

 

Well, 2 weeks later a mutual friend told me her ex of 5 years asked for her back, "essentially proposing" to her 1.5 weeks before she dumped me. I was drunk and lost it, making the NC mistake and sending a drunken email saying "how dare you lie to me, **** you" etc. I even threatened to tell her ex about me if she wouldn't tell me the truth. I called to apologize for my harsh words the next day (mistake) and she hung up on me. I did text and email a sincere apology telling her my blackmail threat was empty, that I was hurt, and that I hope we can forgive each other and eventually recall our time together fondly and each other as good people.

 

She did not go back to her ex and told our mutual friend that he had nothing to do with the break up.

 

It doesn't matter. FWB is way out of line after dumping someone. Not telling me about her ex was way out of line. Considering we have mutual friends and it WOULD get back to me, she could have at least offered

I know this may upset you but I just thought you should know....I'm telling you this because I want to be honest and I want you to know you have know that I said no. However, it really confused me and I realize I jumped into a new relationship too soon and didn't give myself time to process my old.

Looking back, this is what happened. She just doesn't have the maturity to handle confrontation in this way and worries too much about sparing feelings.

 

The deal: she's invited to a party this weekend. At first I though she was not, but now I see she is. I never received an acknowledgement for my apologies. It was not a weak move, I went over the line, though my actions were understandable considering I was hit upside the head. Anything in the 24 hours after such news should be forgiven as an irrational response to rightful pain. I was dignified in apologizing though in the future, I won't react at all. This is part of break up's though.

 

If I see her, I might have a panic attack. I'm struggling with depression and anxiety. I don't doubt she would flirt with people just to make me jealous. On the other hand, I might be fearing the anxiety more than the actual encounter, and there is no gaurantee she will be there (yet).

 

I plan to walk straight up to her and ask "how have you been." I might even ask "can we talk for 2 minutes." I don't feel igoring her will be helpful, though neither will a long talk.

 

I'm not sure what I should do. Part of me wants to not go if she is there. Her friends with benefits request destroyed me. I loved her. I'm still in love with the person she can be but I know she is not mature enough to be that person during times of confrontation. I could never take her back or be with her, but I am not over her.

 

At the same time, part of not being over her is fearing an encounter. I start feeling anxious, and I fear that anxiety. I fear having a panic attack if I see her. I might not experience those feelings at all if I see her. I don't know. There is nothing more unattractive than someone appearing needy or upset, and I did act that way with her. I have ZERO REGRETS about telling her off after she asked for friends with benefits. I wish I had not reacted when I found out about her ex. But an apology was in order. The whole thing set me back.

 

I don't know, but I have zero doubts she is dating or hooking up. None. I don't doubt she'll flirt in front of me. I am not ready to date yet because I am depressed and am leaving town in a month. I was really hoping not to see her until then, at least 6 months. At the same time, I don't want her to have power over me and me not attend an event with my friends. I want to live my life. A friend said she might have come back to me because she was just confused, but FWB ended that!

[Davis]

Oppath. We're in the same boat: almost 2 months!! DO NOT GO to the party!!! Don't use needing an "apology" from her as a reason. That's just an excuse. You can rationalize that she will have "power" over you if you avoid going to the party. Wrong way to look at it bro!! YOU are retaining your power by choosing not to go where she is going. YOU are going to choose to avoid having an anxiety attack and feel like you got kicked in the gut by a horse. YOU are going to choose to respect yourself and have dignity. YOU are going to choose not to kick yourself while your depressed. Don't fall victim to your mind's rationalizing!! Don't go!! Stay on track, NC and then go out of town as planned.

[oppath]

Here's my deal, interacting with her friends is an anxious ordeal I want to face. I think it is important that I face that irrational fear because it is irrational. They like me and could care less about the break up. I can't avoid them much longer.

 

Perhaps I can have alternate plans since I would arrive at the party later, and one of my friends can text me if she is there or not. If she is not, I'll go. If she is, I'll do something else.

 

If I go, with alcohol involved, it will destroy me. All because of her FWB remark. I have a big ego and don't know how well I could control myself. She's not going to apologize to me. She wants to make it appear that she is mad at me when she probably is not. That's how passive-aggressive she is. The only person who has a right to be pissed is ME. I want an apology but I can't force it out of her and I'm not going to get one. I need to accept that and let go of it. I won't have resolution if I see her. I will feel horrible. If she had been more honest with me, and if she hadn't asked for a sex only relationship after breaking my heart, I'm sure I could cope. If she had apologized after I told her off for asking for FWB, perhaps I could cope. But honestly, she destroyed me.

 

Of course, I can give myself power over her if I refuse to put myself in a situation that will make me feel bad. That is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of strength! It is a sign of self respect. It represents dignity as well as integrity. Thanks Davis.

[oppath]

Damn second cup of coffee is making me crazy. I shouldn't drink it after lunch due to anxiety.

 

I actually blame myself for telling her off when she asked for friends with benefits; not that I'd accept it, but I have this irrational idea that if I hadn't told her off, she would have come back to me, although the way things went down, WHY WOULD I WANT HER BACK!?! I don't want someone who is that immature and clueless.

 

It's a good thing to experience heartbreak because I'll learn from it, but anxiety and depression make this 10 times worse. I just wish she would never have asked for FWB. Somehow that has destroyed me. Even when I think rationally, I can't get over it and how far out of line that is. It would be one thing if I suggested it, but she dumped me.

 

Time to go for a run and to let some of this toxic feeling out.

[Davis]

You're assuming (and believing) that because she asked you to be FWB that somehow devalues you and/or your relationship. I don't think that's the case and I just don't read it that way. Ok, you didn't want to hear it and you didn't like the timing. I don't know why you think that if you didn't tell her off she would come back. Besides, who cares? You just said you wouldn't want her back.

 

I'd be very careful about going to that party. Subconsciously you want to see her or run into her. Maybe you hope that she'll she the error of her ways or fall at your feet. Maybe she'll say or do something that will make you feel better. Our minds are tricky like that. I really don't think your in the emotional place to see her or talk to her at this point. Be careful.

[oppath]

You are right. Her FWB request does not devalue me or our relationship. It was inappropriate, but it does not mean she didn't care for me or that she used me for sex during our time together. This entire situation just screamed "if you give her space, there is a great chance she will come back". I know I'm deluding myself, but she kept persisting she had feelings for me, and strong ones. I told her off, but I also jumped to irrational conclusions when I told her off. I am sure she interpreted it as an uncalled for, angry response, and I'm sure it pushed her all the way away. In my depression, I said nothing mean in my response, but there were many irrational conclusions.

 

I would take her back in an instance. Who am I kidding. I loved her. But I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't love me enough to stick with me. And I wouldn't want someone who asked for FWB. These things are true. There are numerous reasons not to want her. But I do. She persisted there was no lack of romance, no incompatibility, and she was falling in love with me when she dumped me. She went out of her way to persist this, and my ego was so big I told her to go **** herself when she asked for FWB. Now I know, no matter HOW I acted, there is probably only a 10% chance she would have come back, and an even lesser chance of it working. Yes, I am totally irrationally blaming myself for this.

 

I just wish someone could make me feel good right now! I'm a mess. Not a hurt myself mess, but a mess. I think and react irrationally to so many things and it's keeping me trapped. I totally burned any chance of reconciliation and friendship. That would be ok except I am embarrassed at how I reacted, even though it was normal break up behavior for the most part and I don't owe an apology. I want her to hug me and know the turmoil I am in and for her to forgive me for being so irrational. I want her to understand my hurt without feeling guilty. I want someone to tell me I will be ok. That I am a great person and I won't be depressed forever. I want the happiness that I had before I met her. I don't want to be miserable.

 

I guess I have a lot to discuss with my therapist tomorrow.

[McFadden]

Lol @ Dread part II.

 

I agree about the anxiety over seeing the ex being worse than the actual event. I have had panic attacks and actually thrown up over the idea of seeing the ex (especially right before the event) but then the event itself is not that bad. If its important for you and you feel you can handle seeing her you should go. If I were you in your situation, I might politely acknowledge her if its necessary, but I would definitely not come up and hug her. Since you were the last one to try to apologize the ball is in her court. If you are too nice to her it will give her a chance to blow you off and make you feel worse. Just have a great time and try to be indifferent toward her presence.

[oppath]

My head is on more straight today. I recall your story, McFadden, and your ex (who dumped you and went way out of line) never apologized. I've always felt if he would have expressed some remorse, you would have have at least acknowledged it, but because he was not expressing remorse, you ignored him.

 

In my case, I was dumped, she was out of line, and I did react inappropriately. I have apologized. It's strange how she was so warm to her ex when we were dating but so cold to me.

 

In any event, no, I am not going to go if she will be there. She replied no on the evite, but since I am showing up a little late, I've asked my friend to text message me if I should come or not. If not, I have alternate plans. I feel seeing her friends is a big enough step. I fear the anxiety when rationally, they probably don't care and likely think I got screwed over despite being her friend.

 

My ex is either feeling really guilty and embarrassed and is too weak to acknowledge my apology, or she is too immature and clueless to understand how out of line FWB is 2 weeks after dumping someone, or she just doesn't care at all. I have a strong personality and am pretty direct; I let people approach my boundaries because I'm a nice guy but they can't cross them. Who knows. The thing with seeing her at a party, I suspect she would flirt with guys to make me feel jealous. No, I'm not going to go anywhere near her.

 

And after my break down last night I feel much better. I went out and hit on some hardbodies. I'm really good at approaching groups of women and engaging all of them. One-on-one is more difficult. Of course, I also had a great in. I was accompanying my friend Steph on kind of a blind date at an event. There's no better opener than saying "excuse me, can I join your conversation. My friend is here on a blind date, I came for support, but I want to give her some space." Completely non threatening. These girls were giggling when I walked away because they were so flattered.

[oppath]

****. Straight from a friend's mouth. Her friends think I am an ass. They have no empathy for me. I won't ever get an apology from her or an acknowledgement of my apologies from her. I am dead to her (which is ok) and her friends for life, except the mutual friend who told me about her ex.

 

What I've learned from this: I think and act irrationally when rejected. I jump to irrational conclusions.

 

Yep, when I was dumped, she and all of her friends held me in very high esteem. They felt sorry for me. Now they think I am a dickwad. In contrast, all of my friends think she is a selfish immature bitch who strung me along.

 

This sucks. They were my friends too. This is why sticking to NC is important. Don't break down. I was drunk, was told some incomplete information and I said some mean things I regret. I lost my dignity and there is nothing I can do to repair it in the eyes of her friends. I had every reason to be upset. Every reason. All I can do is learn from this.

 

What hurts so much is that had we not dated, I'd have close friends right now, including her. She's a good woman despite the pain she caused me. I am a good man. Now I have to accept that I acted out of line. I will learn from this but feel horrible. I'd like to be remembered as the good boyfriend, the guy she let go. Instead, I burned the bridge as a defense mechanism so she could NOT come back. This wasn't an ordinary situation. Being dumped, and having the dumper ask for a sex only relationship 2 weeks later is so far out of line. Her not telling me her ex proposed was out of line. Of course I hurt. But I did lose my dignity.

[oppath]

Forget this ****. I'm being a wussy. Did I say some things I regret? So what. Will some of her friends think I'm an ass? So what. They don't know how they would have reacted unless they felt the same pain I felt. And if they do have negative opinions of me, their bad if they broadcast them. They'll probably give it 20 seconds thought and then move on to other things because they have their own problems.

[Cossette4]

Oppath,

 

Yeah people suck. (Not all people, obviously, but those aquaintance people who make casual observations and jump to conclusions about others' relationships when they've never experienced something like that themselves.)

 

Even though most of our mutual friends are on my side, there's this one guy who wants to be buddy-buddy with both of us (only because he has a history of using people and wants to keep his network of friends as large as possible in case one of us throws a party).

 

So even though he admitted that what my ex did to me was wrong, when I told him I was still having a hard time like, 2 months after the breakup, he just blew me off and was like "Well I'm still going to hang out with him and his new girlfriend.." Which, fine, whatever, but then I heard him tell some of our other friends, "God Cossette is still freaking out about this. Why can't she just get over it?"

 

So this kid apparently thinks that 60 days is enough healing time to get over the ultimate betrayal shocker from a person I was with for 5 years. And he's not "close" friends with either of us--he uses people, as stated previously.

 

His statements initially bothered me to death, but now I've come to realize that he's just a jerk and a lot of people are going to treat you that way and make little petty statements to you and about you because it's really easy to write off a situation that they aren't a part of.

 

As good as it would feel to have an army of 100 people behind us being as angry and hurt over what our exes did to us as we are, the sad truth is people just don't care because

 

1. They aren't our close friends.

2. It doesn't involve them.

3. They've never had a similar situation happen to them.

 

So don't take their comments to heart because YOU know the truth better than they do any day.

[oppath]

As good as it would feel to have an army of 100 people behind us being as angry and hurt over what our exes did to us as we are, the sad truth is people just don't care because

 

1. They aren't our close friends.

2. It doesn't involve them.

3. They've never had a similar situation happen to them.

 

So don't take their comments to heart because YOU know the truth better than they do any day.

 

What I need to remember is that they have their own problems and things to deal with, so at most they'll glare at me for 20 seconds before moving on. It's sad because they were becoming my friends just before I started dating her and feel like I've lost on 5-6 friends. Plus I feel like I "should" be over a 6 month relationship after 2 months, but what I'm really not over is the loss of those friendships and the subsequent drama that occured, and I have not forgiven myself for acting inappropriately. It happens. People express irrational anger when they are really hurt. I'm not proud of it but it is something I did and in the future, I'll better cope with the hurt.

 

Plus I have jealousy issues, knowing she's had many relationships and can probably move on more easily. For me a cognitive challenge is trusting I'll fall in love again. I know I will, but it is a distorted thought to think "it is tougher for me than others" because that's not necessarily true.

 

She's a good woman, I don't like the karma that comes with bad break ups, but both of us did and said some things that were inappropriate, we both acted badly, and both of us are responsible for any hurt feelings and harsh words. My friend told me that she did feel bad and that she too needed to move on but there is no way she will ever acknowledge my apology or apologize to me for asking for FWB. I need to let go of that desire. I need to lower that ego. I'm sure that in a month or two, if she's mad at me, she'll forgive me in her heart and remember me fondly, and that if we do encounter each other, we'll be able to have a pleasant 5 minute conversation. Until then, I'm going to avoid her like the plague. No more contact. Nothing. It's ok if it takes me 6 months to get over a 6 month relationship, because I'm learning how to heal from a broken heart, something I haven't experienced in 8 years. In a way, I'm thankful for this experience because it was an incredible learning experience and I'll find a better partner, and be a better boyfriend, and be more dignified in a break up .

[Davis]

See Oppath? That's just why I didn't want NorCalDave to send that letter to his ex. If you want to write it down for "therapy" that's fine, but I strongly disagree with sending or emailing letters. I've been through all kinds of breakups and I'm 40. I guess I've just learned this one from hard experience. If you write them you lose face, dignity, strength and lots of other stuff can happen.

 

Regardess, bro you're being way too tough on yourself. You did what you did and it's over. Stop beating yourself up about it. Really she was an @ss for asking for FWB and you were an @ss in your response. So what. You do sound much better, clearer thinking and that you have better resolve not to see her. I don't know if I would go to the party, but that's your call. If you go, hopefully she won't be there. I think you can see that NC is the best way to go for you. Good luck man!

[oppath]

Well, when she asked for FWB, she deserved to be told off. I didn't lose ANY dignity in that, but I did afterwards. The thing is, I really only lost dignity in my own eyes. Her eyes don't matter. I'm far too tough on myself and felt embarrassed and ashamed, but in the end, it doesn't matter. I went to the party, she was not there, I hung with all of her friends and laughed and joked. I feel very relieved. The only person thinking I was an ass was myself.

[Davis]

Of course you lost dignity in your eyes. That's the way it works. Now you understand the only thing you can do when someone dumps you is to keep your dignity and your pride because that's all you have left. That's what NC is partly about; not groveling, no letters, no pleading and so on. That's for your self esteem and for getting on with your life.

 

That's great that the party went well and she was not there! Maybe her freinds at some point will realize you're a good guy and accept you as a friend again in the future. I hope you looked good and her friends let her know you were having a good time! I always say "the best revenge is to live well and look good!" Continue your NC and go out of town as you planned. You're moving forward. Keep it going!

[oppath]

Absolutely Davis. Losing dignity in my own eyes and feeling embarrassed or ashamed only worsened how I felt. Talk about a double wammy! I haven't acted like this following a break up before. I was really falling in love with this woman. This is a good experience for me because it will teach me how to move on. This is an even better experience because it happened as I was slipping into a depression. Now, if I had not been dumped, it is possible I would have stayed neutral, but I went from very happy to semi-dumpy.

 

If I can get over a break up and a broken heart during a depression, I can get over anything!

 

Yes, some of her friends will remain my friends. One of them I hang with quite a bit, and some of the others I will invite to my going away party. And I won't invite my ex! Another of her friends actually invited me to a party next Saturday, which I declined because I am not ready to see her. So yes, I am a good guy in their eyes. The consensus is that both of us acted badly. Some of these people will remain my friends, perhaps at a distance, but a couple of them will probably become close buddies. I even went cougar hunting with one of them.

 

If I could do everything over again, I would not have said anything when I found out about her ex. It got back to her that I found out anyway. I would have told her off when she asked for friends with benefits but I would have just said "I feel insulted. You meant more to me than sex and asking me to be your **** buddy 2 weeks after you dumped me belittles the feelings I had makes me feel degraded. You are way out of line asking for that so soon." Then NC. Instead, I said that but much more . I don't feel bad about it. I was so pissed, and I reacted that way so she would know I would never take her back after that "insult."

 

I still struggle with this. I know she did all the damage but I would have taken her back in a heartbeat, although it could never work after I learned she betrayed my trust. She has so much maturing to do. I do too, I can grow greatly. But she handled things in an immature and unclassy manner before I did. It is tough though, because of ALL break up stories, mine reads "give a little space and there is a good chance for reconciliation." But I burned the bridge, and I finally feel good about it after seeing her friends. I deserve more than she was offering and could never fully forgive her. Now that I've restored my dignity in my own eyes, I can let go.