He says he wants to stop caring about everything and everyone...

[princessa]

So there's this guy that I'm emotionally invested with.. Heavily invested with. 2 weeks from now it will be the 2-year anniversary of his mom's passing away. After all this time he's still not handling things very well... He says that he wants to stop caring about everybody, stop having feelings at all, that he wants to be with his mom in heaven and that nothing else matters.

 

I have two issues with this. First, that as somebody who cares for him, I feel kind of responsible for trying to convince him that he needs to move on and live his own life. And even though I have a feeling that this is kind of pointless because he's being stubborn, I still keep trying to reason him because well.. how can he keep wasting his life just dwelling and dwelling over the past? It's unthinkable..

 

My second issue is about my own interests in this... Regardless of the quality of my past/present relationship with this guy (for those of you who have been reading my stories).... I'm getting mixed up in his signals about his emotional availability.. On one hand, he tells me things like "I wanna be with my mom and nothing else matters", "you should stop worrying about me", "I'm no good for you", "you deserve better"... He says he wants to stop caring at all and that he will always be lonely.... Which pretty much tells me that he has no plans of being happy with me or with his life at all, or opening up emotionally in any way.... It's like, even when I'm with him he still sees himself as being lonely..

 

On the other hand, he has opened up to me before, and I know that it happens very slowly, but nevertheless does happen... At times he does seem to have a more positive outlook on life... and the way he acts seems to tell me that he does care about me... but then he falls into one of his depression phases, shuts me out and any emotional closeness just seems to go down the drain...

 

In summary what bothers me is that he doesn't seem to have any plans for having a family on his own (and yet still talks about how it's really important for him to have a kid???), or surrounding himself with people that he cares about... And any people in his present that he's close to, he seems to just want to keep them at a distance as much as possible to "avoid caring" about them...

 

Is this just some kind of phase.. or should I just run?

[Meggs4]

Ok it just sounds like the poor guy is hurting from his mother. I lost my dad at a young age and it has been 11 years now and I'm still hurting from it. It takes a very long if someone really gets over it. I would have him go to a therapist to talk about because it sounds like he has a lot of anger from his mothers passing.

As for you, if he gets counsling then it could help out your situation/relationship. I wouldn't so about the relationship just yet. If he has feeling for you then it will show soon. Even if he doesn't show it in the ways you may want him to, doesn't mean he doesn't care for you. If he opens up to you then that's a huge step especially for a guy. I hope this has helped

 

Good luck

[princessa]

I'm kind of mean to him too at times.. I feel bad.... I get pissed off at him for shutting everything out and not living his life and not trying to find happiness for himself with other people.... I was PMSing yesterday and yelled at him and told him he was stupid and that he wouldn't have been happier if his mom was still around and that he was only using it as an excuse to be depressed and to shut everyone out.....

 

Am I a bad person?

[Meggs4]

well I hate to say this but your being to selffish about this. Think about your relationship you have with your parent/parents. Then think to your self what you would be like if you were to never see them again. Trust me from experience it takes a long time/if ever get over. I dont think I will ever get over my fathers passing. I would honestly mention the therapy, maybe the two of you can go.

As for the PMS I know what it;s like and you want to scream and yell, but for you to say that. I think you may have hurt any chances you have if you keep treating him this way.

 

Just take it easy on the guy, and think to yourself how you would be feeling if you went through this.

[princessa]

I realize that it's selfish now that I actually think about it... But in day to day life he never even brings up the fact that he's suffering from it, and never mentions that he's sad or whatever... So I kind of become paranoid and start thinking that this is all because he doesn't care about me, or doesn't see a future with me, or doesn't want to be with me at all, when in reality his attitude might have more to do with what happened to his mom...

 

And I tend to forget about this because he tries so hard to act cheerful and carefree all the time.. So I'm kind of fooled into thinking that everything's fine again.... So I begin to treat him as a normal person and act as if nothing had happened.... So when he's emotionally distant I tend to think that it has to do with ME... either that or he's just the kind of person who's cold and emotionally distant and lonely and that nothing can change that... So I get pissed at this kind of attitude towards life.... and at the way that he's cold with me....

 

Also, I'm not saying he should just get over what happened, and I'm not expecting him to ever get completely over it... But at the same time I don't really understand how he can deny himself any kind of happiness in the future...

[whichwayisup]

You cannot save him. He needs help, he needs to go talk to a therapist! He is depressed, and not happy at all in life.

 

And, you being mean to him isn't helping. You're lucky he still talks to you because if a friend of mine, emotionally attached or not, treated me like like you've treated him, I'd give them the boot. If you have PMS, and are in a grumpy mood, don't talk to him. I mean, imagine how he felt? Remember when you were sick and how sensitive you got?

 

This is his life, not yours and you can BE a friend, be supportive, loving and help him, but you don't have a right to boss him around, tell him what he 'should' or 'shouldn't' be feeling. It also takes a long time to get over the death of a parent. My father died in 1993 and I STILL have moments that affect me, so give the guy a break! He lost his mom.....That's rough.

[princessa]

It's true, I like to boss people around.. Maybe I'm also making this more about me than it should be.. Maybe it's cause I feel like I gotta do everything to save him and when it doesn't work I get pissed off... I guess I should stop doing that then... But if I don't try to convince him he'll never see a therapist..

 

Should I apologize for what I said? I don't feel like doing it cause it would sound lame.. Also I'm not denying that although I now realize that it's much much harder on him that I'll ever imagine even after 2 years... well I kind of do feel at times that he's going in the wrong direction in his healing path... So I'm not exactly sorry for having gotten upset at the fact that he's forcing himself to stop caring about everybody... I think I'm more sorry for yelling at him in general and not being sensitive towards his feelings.. and just being hard on him... But then if I start getting into explanations he's gonna fear an emotional talk and just shut me out right there...

[quankanne]

it sounds like depression, which isn't uncommon when someone grieves heavily over the loss of a loved one.

 

my first thought was to ask him if this is what his mother expected of him when she realized she was dying (really, expected of him PERIOD). My guess is that as a mom, she would want him to live life to the fullest, but without hurting anyone in the process. If you knew her as that kind of person, you might point out to him that even as he grieves, she'd want him to share the love she gave him. Because that's what a mama would do, tell you to go on, to be good to others and to let that legacy of goodness and kindness and love shine on. Him wrapping himself in grief kinda trashes her dreams for him ...

 

don't get too pissed with him about the emotional distance – it's not you, it's that he just doesn't have the tools to deal with his grief. Honestly? He needs to talk to someone, be it a counsellor, a minister or even a doctor, so he can figure out a game plan.

 

in the meantime, you are going to have to keep yourself emotionally reserved to a degree if you want to survive this intact. Otherwise, you're gonna be eaten up with resentment and regret over his behavior.

[princessa]

it sounds like depression, which isn't uncommon when someone grieves heavily over the loss of a loved one.

 

Yes and he admits to being depressed.

 

my first thought was to ask him if this is what his mother expected of him when she realized she was dying (really, expected of him PERIOD). My guess is that as a mom, she would want him to live life to the fullest, but without hurting anyone in the process. If you knew her as that kind of person, you might point out to him that even as he grieves, she'd want him to share the love she gave him. Because that's what a mama would do, tell you to go on, to be good to others and to let that legacy of goodness and kindness and love shine on. Him wrapping himself in grief kinda trashes her dreams for him ...

 

don't get too pissed with him about the emotional distance – it's not you, it's that he just doesn't have the tools to deal with his grief. Honestly? He needs to talk to someone, be it a counsellor, a minister or even a doctor, so he can figure out a game plan.

 

That's one great perspective. I'd like to share that with him, and I'd like him to really see somebody as well. But after our argument I'm sared to bring this up again because I don't want to upset him, and I also doubt whether he will listen...

 

Something else about his relationship with his mother.. He's overwhelmed with guilt over this because all the while she was sick, he was trying to run away from these worries, and in the end he wasn't even there for her while she was dying. Which makes it even harder for him to deal with.. Man I really wish he'd talk to somebody.. he says he needs to but jokes about how he'll mess with the therapist's head instead.. and just basically never gets around to do it...

 

 

in the meantime, you are going to have to keep yourself emotionally reserved to a degree if you want to survive this intact. Otherwise, you're gonna be eaten up with resentment and regret over his behavior.

 

Thanks for being understanding of me.. I'll have to keep that in mind, but it's hard to distance myself from him emotionally when most of the time he acts as if everything was back to normal... But I'll have to try..

[princessa]

Can anybody else comment on this?? I was talking to somebody else today and they pretty much said that well.. after 2 years of the same crap how much more can you take...

[alphamale]

... At times he does seem to have a more positive outlook on life... and the way he acts seems to tell me that he does care about me... but then he falls into one of his depression phases, shuts me out and any emotional closeness just seems to go down the drain...

Hmm...sounds like he may be manic-depressive. He should see a shrink.