callherbigjim Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 I was with this guy and he broke up with me the day before he was moving. He had kept his distance from me after he found out he was moving and the break up itself happened over the phone and... it wasn't pleasant. The very next day, when he arrives to the town he's now living in, he goes to a party and has sex with some chick. She becomes his "girlfriend" and he flaunts her on myspace. I get drunk one night and let it slip to his friend that I am in love with him, his friend tells him and the next day he is back in town. He calls me up, we hang out, it's way tense because I'm angry with him and because, despite my hurt, I'm still really into him. He mentions the conversation I had with his friend in passing (but he stares at me really intensely while doing so). He leaves town. He and the other chick breakup. He starts talking to me again on myspace, calling me on the phone and he mentions he's coming to town for Christmas. He plays it cool on the phone, I think "ok, he just wants to be my friend" but when he comes back into town - we're into each other again. We sleep together, I say "you know I love you, right?" and he says, "I love you", etc. Here's the catch, he only says these things when he's drunk. We get close during Christmas but whenever I say anything implying my feelings towards him, he kind of backs off. He leaves town and says he's coming back in a few days. Well, once again, the next day he finds another girl. Only this time, it's a girl from here. So, he basically picks her over me. A girl he claimed he hates. I write him an email saying "I still feel strong for you, this "friendship" is too confusing and I can't do it, it's best we don't talk for awhile" but I insert all the reasons why I am in love with him. Probably stuff he isn't used to hearing from very many people, if anyone. He tries calling me a bunch and I ignore the calls. He gets in contact with me under the pretense of wanting my mother's number so he can call her and ask her some legal information (he got a drunk in public charge). I give him the number, he gives me the "luke warm business handshake" voice and says thanks. He never calls my mom. During this time he thinks I'm "hooking up" with one of his friends. I tell him no and he gives me the whole "it's not like I really care anyway" line. We get back in contact again after he leaves town. I find out he's going to AA and I offer my support. He seems weirded out by this, especially when I cave in and tell him that I've been thinking about him. He hangs up the phone abruptly. Later that night he writes on that other chick's myspace "I miss you" I give up hope. Then, a few days later, he starts calling me. He starts confiding in me about his insecurities, having no friends where he lives now, etc. He starts calling me everyday. One night we have a drunken conversation and he tells me "I'm still really into you, it doesn't go away, I'm just stoked on you." We talk first thing the next morning. He says "I'll call you back" and he never does. The next day, he posts pictures of him and some girl he met at a bar. His new "girlfriend" Okay, great. He has a new girlfriend he is apparently really excited about, once again. What's weird is that, not a day will go by where he does not make some form of contact with me. Whether it be on myspace or simply to call me up and talk about nothing. Even if it's a tense phone call and not even worth going through, we talk because I guess that's better than hanging up. I'm confused. Keep in mind that this guy: A.) has been verbally abused by his mentally ill mother most of his life. B.) a budding alcoholic C.) a really sensitive (possibly too sensitive for his own good) person D.) has a serious case of A.D.H.D. - Why does he always find some other chick right away? - Why can't he just back off and leave me be if he is so excited about all of these new girls (all of whom are usually girls he's met at bars who drink as much as he does and have the "punk" look he likes - which I don't) ? - Does it seem like he's scared of something? - Why consistently run away emotionally from a girl who just wants to love you but not cut her out of your life? I'm totally confused and it would be interesting to read other people's views on this.
Cherbear Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 Oh my gosh girl, if you cant stand being just friends with him, back off. Cut him off your life. He chose so many girls over you, not once, but multiple times!! How can you stand that?
emerald_isle Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 He is definitely scared. He loves you but he is scared of being vulnerable and getting hurt. That's why he keeps going after these random girls that mean nothing to him. Since they mean nothing, they have no chance to hurt him, so they are safe for him. You, on the other hand, have the ability to hurt him deeply because he cares so much for you. That's why he chooses to stay away from you, but because he cares about you, he can't stay away for long. I dealt with the same thing. I was in love with a guy and vice versa for three years, but he was too scared to embrace what he was feeling. As a result he would try his hardest to stay away from me - ignored me when he could, was dismissive or mean when he couldn't (we worked together), but like clockwork, after a month, he'd come back and shower me with love and attention. Again, after about a month, he'd freak out again and go back to ignoring me. I knew him really well and from what I knew about his personality, his personal situation, his past history of having family verbally abuse and ignore him, it was obvious that he was afraid of letting anyone get too close to him. Every once in a while he'd let his guard down and let me in, but when he realized that he had let me get too close and that he was vulnerable, he'd freak out and freeze me out. What a waste of three years! I'm so angry with myself for wasting so many good years on this guy. It was obvious from the beginning that he'd never let me in completely and make me his girlfriend, but I kept hanging around because everytime he'd let me in a little, I felt like there was hope, like this time he'd let me in for good. Well, it never happened, and I don't think it ever happens with these types of guys until they take the time to sort out their issues and grow up. And if they do take it upon themselves to sort their issues, it takes a long time, because it's difficult to build trust in yourself and others to finally let your barriers down and make yourself vulnerable to others. There's no doubt in my mind that this guy loves you, but he has A LOT of work to do on himself before he'll ever seriously think about making you his girlfriend, probably a few year's worth. Wait for him if you like, but in the meantime, go out with other guys, have other relationships. Don't waste three or more years on him like I did just to end up with nothing.
Carl321 Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 I have to disagree with Emerald. Although it is clear that this guy has feelings for you, they are not strong enough for him to want to commit to you. Based on what you have said, he probably realizes that you will always be there if he wants you. He is taking you for granted. First, do not tell him you love him or talk about your feelings for him anymore. That is only reinforcing his belief that you will wait around for him. He needs to experience and explore his feelings once that belief is brought into question, and the only way to get him to that point is to stop telling him this and being so available to him. Clearly, what you are doing now is not working, so you need to mix it up a bit. The best advice would be to implement NC and move on, but it sounds like you are not ready to hear that right now. As an alternative, you need to seriously limit all communication with him and never initiate contact yourself. He will never change as long as you tolerate the status quo (because you are giving him no reason to seriously reflect on what he wants).
emerald_isle Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 Carl also has a point. However, I did that with the guy I mentioned above and, for me at least, it didn't work. Whatever attention I got from him by doing that was temporary. I think that for a guy who's feeling emotionally scared or vulnerable by being with someone, what you do doesn't have a lot of bearing. It's much more about themselves and their own feelings.
Author callherbigjim Posted March 1, 2007 Author Posted March 1, 2007 I'm sure it would be a good idea to cut off all contact. I have before and he always finds a way. Or else he does something that makes me jealous out of my mind. I could keep the no contact going because I know it would be for the best but there is this thing inside that won't let me. I know what he's doing is totally messed up but... he's messed up and I can't help but feel really tender towards him. It's weird, they can hurt you so terribly but the thought of hurting them is just, equally as painful. I don't think, despite all of the support and kindness I've shown, that he even gets how much I love him. He's so oblivious or just doesn't believe it. Everyone else knows... except him. He always picks the lamest girls to go after. They never stick around for very long because 1.) he meets them in sleazy bars 2.) he's not a good boyfriend (he's flighty) and 3.) he makes up the most elaborate stories to try and impress people. I can only chalk up my feelings for him to some kind of Karma. Do these guys ever realize the error of their ways?
Author callherbigjim Posted March 1, 2007 Author Posted March 1, 2007 So now this guy is just trying to bait me or something. He's been posting pictures of her (new girlfriend) for awhile now and when we talk on the phone, we don't mention her at all. He once mentioned her as "this girl I'm hanging out with." He pulled the same thing with the girl before that. Now he sends bulletins on myspace saying "check out my blog" with an inside joke that only he and I know, almost beckoning me to go and look at it. The blog has a picture of her on it, the caption underneath it reads "I really like this girl." Um... I can't help but think he's ****ing with my head. Trying to get a reaction. My response: "you found a new girlfriend? good for you..." What a fool.
Carl321 Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 It does not matter how much you love him, or whether he realizes that or not. If you are trying to get him back, all that matters is how HE feels towards YOU. Him knowing how much you love him is not going to increase his attraction towards you at all--in fact, it is counterproductive because it makes you look needy (i.e., very unattractive) and lets him know that you will always wait around for him. My advice to you, as a guy who has been around the block a few times with a number of different women but is by no means a relationship expert, does not change. See my post above. The way you are behaving right now will NEVER attract him back to you. Ignore his lame attempts to taunt you. Right now, you are playing right into his hands.
had3nuff Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 He's definitely stringing you along. He's keeping you on the back burner until something else comes along because he already knows how you feel and you are very accepting of his bad behavior. Nothing you have done or can do will make him change. You need to realize this. Do not email him, do not call him, do not send up smoke signals - NOTHING. If you commit to NC, then stick to it, or you words to him will never mean anything. This man has problems that you can not fix for him. He needs to work on himself if he ever wants to be able to offer any woman anything decent. Until that time he will flip flop through relationships. Period - end of story. Men tell you with their actions how they feel about you, and this man is telling you he's not only not that interested, but he's not afraid you're going anywhere! If you want the whole cake and not just these crumbs then date other men. Realize that you deserve better and better is out there.
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