torranceshipman Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 ...do it!! I've had a couple of months of NC, outside of work (me and xMM work together) - and it's great to be away from all the 'rollercoaster' type stress. It's given me enough distance to really put things in perspective, and now - I'm so glad that things didn't work out with him!! - and I'm SO glad I didn't waste any more time on this guy. I can see him for what he is now, a guy who doesn't have the integrity and honesty to face up to his responsibilities, and comes with a truckload of baggage...and requires that women make continual excuses for his behaviour, rather than facing up to hard decisions on his own...Not a great catch, really. xMM is certainly not someone that I can find attractive anymore, for the reasons given above, and because I can't trust him as far as I could throw him (but he could be so manipulative and charming at the time, so it was easy to stay and believe his sweet talk about loving me and leaving his girlfriend etc). I also realise now that when he had me AND his long-term girlf, he would NEVER have bothered choosing between us, as I was making his life easy by staying and putting up with it. Recently I had to break NC, as the xMM's behaviour was so up and down at work (he's my boss and it was making my life uncomfortable). He has a lot of issues to still work through, and I've decided to also move on from work as a result, as the situation is generally not 100% healthy, and I'm happy to move on to pastures new. That's my choice, and the xMM is very unhappy about it, but tough, I don't need the stress! And I certainly don't need him! And...I've just met a really lovely new guy, who is so sweet, intelligent, great company, attentive, and hot...just goes to show, there are lovely single guys out there. So...I'd totally recommend going into NC to ANYONE on this board who is considering doing so. It's a GREAT idea. Hard times at first and you think you're not strong enough, but you ARE!!
Guest Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 Hi, Well it seems to have worked for you. Great news and you are moving on clearly. How did you go NC with him--what led up to it--did you have a fight or were you just fed up with him? How did you let him know or didn't you?
ratingsguy Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 I also recommend it. I'm on day 25 of NC. My situation is different that most. My MW was in a neglectful marriage, we grew close, she separated, then she began to pull away. Her rationale is that she needed time to be single after 22 years of marriage or she would regret it. Some people would be insulted by that, but I do understand. So I said fine, BUT we need time apart and cannot be friends (she wanted to keep in contact, only less frequently). I asked for NC until May, and we parted on good terms. I have no clue what to do, or what I will want to do come May. The first week or so was difficult. I miss her and love her with all my heart, but I'm crying a lot less now. I still think about her all the time, but I can see that I am moving on for better or for worse. I've also been talking with single women and have gone out on a date (and it went extremely well!). So life DOES go on. If you can suffer through a few weeks of pain, the reward later on will be great! You'll be free of a situation you can't control and realize that there's other things in life worth exploring. That doesn't mean you'll stop loving your MW or MM and it doesn't mean you can't be friends later on. BUT NC gives you a chance to think about yourself for a change and possibly get involved in a relationship where sneaking around isn't the norm. I've tried it, and I'm surviving. Still feel sad and down from time to time, but I know I'm doing the right thing.
Jinxx Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 At the end of the 4th week. Harder than hell for me, not him though. Good days and bad.... that sorta thing but know it is for the best. Having such a hard time losing the feelings I have for him but I asked for it, got myself in this mess to begin and am now paying the price.
Author torranceshipman Posted March 2, 2007 Author Posted March 2, 2007 Hi Guest, Yea, we had a massive run-in, first I ended it, which he didn't like, and then he had this stupid knee jerk reaction and totally took it out on me at work, by demanding a resignation from me. I was horrified and did actually resign (despite how fair/unfair that was on me, I could see what a trainwreck the whole situation was, and felt I'd be better off out of it-I was also very shocked, and we'd previously been friends-it suddenly made me feel that I did not know the man at all). He backtracked immediately, and was sorry for what he did, but the damage had been done...even though I ended up staying at work, it admittedly made the split/NC much easier for me, because he really had abused his position as my boss to vent his personal frustrations...it ultimately made it easier for me to move on.
Catharsis Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 Torrance, good for you! Isn't amazing how all that charm and sweet-talk looses its power when you finally realize that they are spineless, weak, lying SOBs with zero integrity? That did the trick for me. ONce I found out what he was REALLY about, I lost every ounce of respect/admiration that I had ever had for this man. Life is much better without his manipulative lies and the turmoil they created in my life.
Author torranceshipman Posted March 5, 2007 Author Posted March 5, 2007 Hi Catharsis, You're so right...now the facade of the lies, sweet talk, etc has gone...the guy seems like a pretty poor choice. My xMM had a bit of an emotional meltdown at a work meeting we had last week, and embarrassed himself in front of me (at least I think he should have been embarrassed with that behaviour!)...sigh...and I was involved with this guy? Bad judgement call on my part. He was a real liar and manipulator though, but would still to this day claim to care deeply about me (actually, I'm pretty sure that he does, he's just an emotional trainwreck - and doesn't have enough character to make hard, tough choices, or to take responsibility for his actions). I'll tell you something else...if the xMM called me tonight, and said that he'd left his partner and wanted to be with me...I wouldn't be interested at all - I can definitely do better! What a change a couple of months of NC makes, hey...! And I can guarantee this is now harder on the xMM than it is on me, as I walked away with some dignity, and I'm moving on, and he is still stuck in his unhappy situation, with not nearly enough balls to do anything about it!
woe_is_me Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 And I can guarantee this is now harder on the xMM than it is on me, as I walked away with some dignity, and I'm moving on, and he is still stuck in his unhappy situation, with not nearly enough balls to do anything about it! SO TRUE torrance!! When i returned his call..to his house..that he didn't dream i had the ph. no. to.. the way he pretended no one was on the other end really made me think...what a **** coward. Prior to that day 4 weeks ago he was the only man i thought i could and would ever love and when i posted my story i actually had to backspace and put in 'may have been the love of my life' and not just 'the love of my life' cus' im starting to see him as a real weasel and i think a lot of my own answers are coming to me as i bang away at this keyboard. I don't know any outcomes and i don't really care anymore what happens in his stupid psycho empty shell of a marriage..and i really couldn't care less if he never calls again.. i sure won't be counting the years this time. I look back and i didn't even like him to begin with ..i didn't even think he was attractive though his smile reminds me of ralph fiennes lol He worked damn hard to make me fall in love with him and i sadly ..i did.
Jinxx Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 And I can guarantee this is now harder on the xMM than it is on me, as I walked away with some dignity, and I'm moving on, and he is still stuck in his unhappy situation, with not nearly enough balls to do anything about it! Ya know - I so hope this is true with respect to XMM. I wish I knew what the hell the man is thinking!
hardknocks Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 Agreed. NC is the only solution. Wish I had the strength to do it earlier - but the lies kept me stuck. At three months post NC I have had a few great dates and think about her less and less. I remember though getting to a point where I just really believed that I would rather be by myself than in that crappy situation anymore. And it hurt to leave.. all love (even good love) is part addiction (just science) and it takes time to ride out those love chemicals and get over the bad thoughts.. but it does happen. Affairs are awful, terrible things that I wish on no person. And I wish.. I had all those days back....
saintfrancis Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 ...do it!! I've had a couple of months of NC, outside of work (me and xMM work together) - and it's great to be away from all the 'rollercoaster' type stress. It's given me enough distance to really put things in perspective, and now - I'm so glad that things didn't work out with him!! - and I'm SO glad I didn't waste any more time on this guy. I can see him for what he is now, a guy who doesn't have the integrity and honesty to face up to his responsibilities, and comes with a truckload of baggage...and requires that women make continual excuses for his behaviour, rather than facing up to hard decisions on his own...Not a great catch, really. Jesus H!!!!! You must have been dating the EXACT same MM I was dating!! I swear it's the same guy! Right down to the requiring women to make excuses for his behavior. Aye aye aye!! I'm so glad to hear you're seeing him for what he is now. I went through the same epiphany last year and posted about it not too long ago. If I had him in front of me this moment I would not find a thing about him attractive -- and this guy is good looking and was decent in bed. But once you get to know the person inside... it's like he has no soul. They invented the saying "He's lying if his lips are moving" for my ex.
Ripples Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 Torrance, errr, you don't work in Chippenham do you?
woe_is_me Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 i accidentally clicked on your profile instead of my own ripples..you're very pretty! You look very much like a lady in an award winning tv series here in australia..her name is julia in the series.. google 'asher keddie' shes your double lol apologies for straying 'off the topic'
Ripples Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 Oh well, that's very complimentary. Thank you so much!
Meaplus3 Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 No Contact can and does work if you want it to. I am on week 11 now. The only other period of NC in the "A" was over the summer and it lasted not quite 8 weeks. I never thought it was possible because Xmm live's so close, but it can be done and it's the only way IMO to break away from an "A". AP:)
Author torranceshipman Posted March 6, 2007 Author Posted March 6, 2007 Hey Ripples, I don't work in Chippenham...guess there are just some very similar stories out there!!
Recommended Posts