ShoeGirl Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 My best friend called me earlier asking my opinion on something and I have no idea what to tell her. Here is the background: She is 23 and her bf is 29, they have been dating for about a year and moved into an apartment together 4 months ago (more because she didn't have anywhere better to go). Last time I talked to her face to face without him around (about 2 months ago) she didn't know if she was in love with him, but she cared about him a lot, she doubted that they would get married and she didn't know what she wanted. Now she calls, while he is in the next room so it was hard to have a decent conversation with her, telling me that he wants to start looking at houses together. I originally thought she meant renting a house, but he wants them to buy a house together. I didn't really know what to tell her but I started asking what would happen if they broke up, etc. She gave me a short answer then said she'd call back when she has more time to talk. I personally don't think it is a good idea for them to buy a house together. I could see him buying the house, and her paying however much she is paying in rent now toward the house as long as she is living there, so that she is not trapped if they break up... and if they get married sometime in the future she could take on a more active role in helping to pay for it?? What do you think? What should I tell her?
norajane Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 Buying a house when you're not sure you're in love, not sure what will happen, and have only been dating a year sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. I wouldn't even go the route of him buying and her paying rent...why are they living together if she's not sure she's in love?
Author ShoeGirl Posted February 28, 2007 Author Posted February 28, 2007 She moved in with him because she didn't have anywhere she could go. She couldn't afford an apartment on her own and tried for the longest possible time to find a roommate until she literally had no other option. At least they got a 2 bedroom apartment so if needed they would have their own space. I haven't figured out a good way to tell her that buying a house is not a good idea, without offending her (and him).
Art_Critic Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 it is a bad idea.. they aren't in a long term relationship.. there is very little positive that can come of it and a whole lot of negative that can happen If they do it then they both need to have signed a "right of survivorship " documents signed and a will in place. I think he senses that she is not in love with him and is asking her to buy a house together as a test rather than asking her what is wrong. I have always owned my own house since my early 20's and had women live with me and I have never split the mortgage with a GF ever.. or even charged her rent.. He could buy the house and have her move in rent free..
yousaveme Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 I personally dont think getting a house together is a good idea. If they break up ( which sounds like the direction it might be going since she doesnt love him) then getting out of the house can be messy. Renting would be a better idea. Then its just a matter of having the lease redone when someone wants to leave. Buying the house is too much of a commitment. When it sounds like your firend isnt really interested in the relationship commitment. ( No offense)
Author ShoeGirl Posted February 28, 2007 Author Posted February 28, 2007 I think he senses that she is not in love with him and is asking her to buy a house together as a test rather than asking her what is wrong. I have always owned my own house since my early 20's and had women live with me and I have never split the mortgage with a GF ever.. or even charged her rent.. He could buy the house and have her move in rent free.. I am not sure what his motivation behind buying a house is and if it was just him I wouldn't have a problem with it. I am afraid that she will go along with it just to make him happy. I got the impression that she hadn't talked to many people about it, I'm actually surprised that she told me, I'm sure she knew I wouldn't like it. I am pretty sure that he can afford the house on his own so I'm not sure what he is trying to do by having her buy one with him. If he bought a house, knowing her she would not live there rent free, which is why I made the comment about her paying what she is paying now. Buying the house is too much of a commitment. When it sounds like your firend isnt really interested in the relationship commitment. ( No offense) No offense taken, I don't know what to think about her relationship. I think that he is a good guy but I get the feeling that he is looking to settle down soon and she is not at all. He is the only boyfriend she has had in the last 5 years, I am wondering if she is staying because she thinks that she won't find anyone else? What should I say to her? I will bet that of the people that she has told about this I am the only one against it.
Mustang Sally Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 What should I say to her? I will bet that of the people that she has told about this I am the only one against it. You should tell her the truth, as you see it. Just like you have told us. Just make sure you do it empathetically and tactfully. If you have her best interest at heart, then you can not feel bad if she chooses to interpret your opinion in an unfavorable way. I think you would be doing her a disservice to have reservations (and justly so, in my opinion) and not convey them to her. Good Luck!
alphamale Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 What do you think? What should I tell her? well SG...tell her that these sort of situatioins almost always end in disaster. Thats all you can really do.
polywog Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 I agree with all the above posters. I wouldn't buy a house with someone unless it was a relationship with legal ties and a real love committment. I have known people who did what she's considering it was messy and disasterous.
dropdeadlegs Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 Nothing new here, bad decision. I, too, see a disaster in the future; a legal battle is possible. I would ask her if she has any knowledge of the legal ramifications and outcome in the possibility of a breakup. I would tell her that I strongly discourage the idea, but that if she chooses to proceed, she should seek legal advice from a professional in your state, not someone who has been through this before. If she asked your opinion, I would hope that she values your opinion.
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