NC restrictions

[Guest]

I have a simple question: I'm in the military and was with a girl for three years. However, due to our (she was too) obligations, we spent the last year of that LD. She planned on moving in with me as soon as she could, which would've been around...well, now. However, in November she broke it off, just after seeing each other for the first time in a couple of months. (I think she had been thinking about it for about a month previous to that, but wanted to do it face-to-face, which I respect her for).

 

I'm not really taking it well. I don't feel the deep despair or anything I felt the first couple of weeks, but 'waiting' (in all senses of the word) until I was with her had just about been my prime activity- aside from going out with friends and such, I still had/have a strong social life- for over a year now. So, although I've been pretty active in the single life since- basically doing all the things I had sometimes thought I'd never be able to do again- I can't help but check her Myspace from time to time, which I want to stop.

 

We're still some distance apart and at this point very unlikely we'll ever be in the same place again. I'm fairly sure she's seeing someone new, which sucks, because these other girls really aren't holding a candle to her...and I guess that guy IS holding a candle to me- him and making the big jump after not being around me much for a year, basically, must be the two prime motivators (she knew him before, and lived near him when she was overseas).

 

The thing is, I paid her phone bill every now and again for her while she was overseas. I mean, she actually PAID for it, but I would do the actual bill paying in case she couldn't for one reason or another. So I have access to her account. And, much to my shame, I've looked at it without fail on the first of every month since we broke up- before then I had no interest in it.

 

Now, obviously this is unacceptable. But let's talk about NC. How much contact is okay? I've talked to her once in the last two months, when drunk, and it was a pleasant enough conversation. I promised myself just today, after talking to a mutual friend in her area, that I was gonna stop that (I called this friend once every two weeks or so just to vent, really, and try to get a read on what the ex is doing). I think I can do that. I THINK I can stop the Myspace. I KNOW I can keep from calling, because all it comes down to is she would need to make the decision herself to want me back, and that's all that needs to be said. I have that, there's no more bargaining with her or whatever- that was tried in the first week or so.

 

But I really don't know if on Thursday I'll be able to avoid that quick peak at her bill. Maybe April 1st I can, but now? If I'm bothered enough to even post here, I really don't know. I don't want to make a promise to myself I can't keep. that'll lead down the road to calling her and hanging up, calling our friend, and eventually calling her straight up and wanting to 'talk'.

 

Can you do NC in stages? How much breaking of the NC- without the ex knowing- can you do while not stunting your own progress? Am I cursed to continue thinking about this girl any time I'm alone until I've found a girl I think I can like more? Or will it be until I actually DO like another girl more (that's what happened with the ex, really, and the ex before)?

 

I've long since stopped needing advice on 'what to do', because I know I can only go on with my life and if she wants back, she's got to want it badly enough that she AT LEAST has to make the first move in contact, etc. But now I'm stuck at the coping phase for me- I still want to know what she does every second of every day, really, in the hopes that she's missing me.

 

If my question wasn't that clear: Is it better to be honest with yourself about short term goals as far as NC? Or should I just be realistic? Or what?

 

I'm a romantic at heart, and even though I sometimes thought "Man if I were single..." I've seen the grass in the other yard and it's not as green. I wanted to settle down and have a life together, I'd been thinking that for the last year, so excited for it. And now...? Letting go is hard, even if she already THINKS I have...doing it is still hard.