Spoonandfork22 Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 general question. when your current SO is friends with thier ex (were talking completely platonic, moved on, non threatening, just friends) what bounderies do you think should be set? I believe ex's can be friends but I also think that when it comes to being in a relationship there should be a level of respect and certain bounderies on the friendship between your SO and their ex. to add, should these bounderies be discussed or should they already be known by both parties?
Island Girl Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 ...I also think that when it comes to being in a relationship there should be a level of respect and certain bounderies on the friendship between your SO and their ex. to add, should these bounderies be discussed or should they already be known by both parties? The boundaries - therein lies the problem. Those boundaries are usually vastly different with no understanding of the other perspective. A few can pull it off but generally one of the people in the relationship is not comfortable with the familiarity of the "ex". I don't believe in being friends with my exes. It would be extremely uncomfortable for me - I broke up with them and they wanted me back. I would have a hard time believing they just wanted friendship. Actions generally speak louder than words and my exes actions generally give the vibe that, if it were possible, we'd be back together. That being said, my exes are just that and completely in the past. If I wanted them around for any reason I'd be dating them. I've always moved on looking for the best of all worlds. My man is my best friend, my partner, and my lover. I don't need anyone else but him. I have women who are friends to talk girl-talk with. Thankfully my husband feels the same way. There is no reason for him to hang out with another woman because he has me "his favorite" and his other time is spent bonding with his male friends.
oppath Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 I also won't be friends with an ex (well, there is 1 girl but it only lasted a month and I knew it wouldn't work out). There is a difference between being friends with an ex in the same group of friends, and one-on-one, intimate friends. My most recent relationship largely failed because of her ex. I don't want my ex in my life. I wish we were on good terms and knew we remembered each other fondly, but I had strong feelings for her. The only way to not stir those emotions is for her to be cut from my life. In general I think ex's should only hang out in group-friend situations. One-on-one is a boundary. If you set an ultimatum, you must stick to it.
Guest Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 i believe ex's can be friends. i am friends with my ex's and it has never been a problem. however, i believe that in order to be friends with the ex one has to be absolutely sure that their are no feelings attatched still. and for some in current relationships, that is a hard thing to face. what i mean is, if you are dating someone who is friends with their ex and she or he is present in their lives, it might be hard for you to think they are only just friends. most would say "why is this person still around, didnt you break up?" which makes complete sense. fact of the matter is, some people break up because they truly are better AS FRIENDS. and after that they realize, hey, were friends, its better this way. where many wont believe this to be true, it happens in many cases. that being said, i also believe that when a person is truly enamored with their bf or gf that that contact, although there, shouldnt be a number one priority. that person shouldnt be getting more attention than you are getting, after all, YOU are the one they are with now, NOT the ex. in conclusion: ex's can be friends as long as both parties know the truth of the matter. i think playing the part of the jealous gf and saying "you cant hang out with him or her" only pushed your SO furthur away, possibly into the ex's arms. no one wants to hear nagging. so for me, i can adjust to it and until i have proof otherwise, its fine. if both partners are honest from the get go, i see no harm done. my boundary: no spending time together ONLY one on one. strictly group outings. also, if everyones out and he is there, i want to be too (provided i can be). being discluded only leaves room for suspicion.
Island Girl Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 In general I think ex's should only hang out in group-friend situations. Even in group situations the little inside jokes that may happen or knowing looks across the table, etc. can really cause problems (and rightfully so). Why is it that the ex who is hanging out unattached always feels the need to prove a point that the two of them were close before? They knowingly do it and cause problems every time I have ever seen it. Anyway - I say when it is done it is done and I don't want that person anywhere near me or my relationship.
Author Spoonandfork22 Posted February 28, 2007 Author Posted February 28, 2007 im interested to hear from people who believe that ex's CAN be friends. lol i feel like im few and far in between!!
boshemia Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 The boundaries required differ with each relationship... and with each person. I've been friends with most of my ex's, though we usually needed some time after the breakup to readjust to not being an US. It's no good if there are still strong feelings attached. But once things calm down, it's not that hard. You really have to discuss it openly with all parties involved, and make sure everyone is okay with the friendship, and that the boundaries make everyone comfortable. If someone in the equation has jealousy issues it's probably best to limit contact to rare ocassions and usually when the jealous partner is present. Really it depends on the maturity levels of everyone involved... and how many feelings are still left.
oppath Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 I am friends with 1 ex, but it wasn't a serious relationship. It lasted 6 weeks. My most recent ex -- it would be too much -- I think she is a wonderful person but she hurt me severely. I'm thankful that I can experience this heartbreak so I can grow as a person, but I could not be friends with her even if I feel in love with someone else. Also, her ex is partially responsible for the break up IMO. You can be friends with an ex, but most people are friendly acquaintances with their ex's, not true friends. It is RARE that friendship with an ex works. It depends on how serious the feelings were. It depends on how people move on and if they date a lot and can enter new relationships. My most recent ex has had many relationships. I've DATED more people but have little relationship experience. She will almost certainly be in another relationship before me. That is our dating pattern. I couldn't cope seeing her with someone else although I don't want to be with her.
Author Spoonandfork22 Posted February 28, 2007 Author Posted February 28, 2007 heres what happened to me in a very very small nutshell. we have a group of work friends who are close. my current bf dated one of the girls we work with. when i say dated i mean hung out w. a lot, slept with on more than one occasion. it was more of a 'what i have for the moment' type thing. although feelings were involved, he or she wasnt willing to commit to one another, it was just a fling of sorts. him and i are now together, and she obviously still works with him and hangs out with our same group. i do get jealous b.c. i wonder if he dated me b.c. he couldnt have her (shes a girl who likes 3 or 4 guys at once, not just one. and shes never been monogomous w. anyone). i figure since this girl has been there from the beginning i need to let thigns be and understand they are friends, b.c. im not going to tell people who to hang out wtih. however, i think that due to my comfort level there should be some bounderies set. no hanging out alone, only group settings, no 4am phone calls. i dont think thats asking too much. i havent spoken w. my bf about this b.c. i dont want to be the 'overbearing-telling-you-what-to-do" gf, but i also feel i am validated. i also think he should make sure she knows damn well that he is not interested in her anymore, b.c. i feel she still pines for him in some way...........so thats my dilemma. anyone been there before?
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