Starlight Starbright Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 Here is my old post, in which I wrote that my ex that dumped me 4 weeks ago was kind of jumping the gun on being "friends." http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t113241/ To rehash, he had broken up with me because he is at a point in his life where he wants to be single. He felt he was being smothered by the relationship and just wants to be "a single man on a mountain", even though he is still in love with me. He said that even if our relationship had been hand-crafted by God himself, he would have done the same thing at this point in his life. He is 27, but was a late bloomer so I think he is at the maturity level of a 24 year old, thus the "I want to be single" desire. He also borke up with me because I had been depressed alot in the last few months of the relationship. He had admitted to me over IM during the third week of the break up that he missed me, would not be able to look at me as a friend if he saw me tomorrow, and would not be ok if he found out I had a boyfriend tomorrow. But he felt that with us maintaining distance, the missing each other would eventually get better, and then hopefully we could be friends. Well I didnt contact him for a week after that and so he called me last friday (I wrote about all of this in my previous post). I asked him how the single life was going and he said "Not so well" because he missed me a lot. THen he told me that he missed my brain and can't connect with anyone like he can with me. He then asked if it was ok for us to be talking, like he was kind of rushing the whole "lets be friends" thing. I said that he can call me if he wants, but we should mostly be giving each other space while we worked to improve ourselves. Well, the thing is, I have REALLY bad anxiety, and after this conversation with him, I all of a sudden got my hopes up. I was literally paralyzed thinking about hypotheticals: what I should say the next time he called, how I should act, etc. etc. Then all of a sudden it hit me: I couldnt do it. I was driving myself CRAZY!!!!!! So I called him up on Sunday, asked him if he thought that us talking would prevent him from getting over me and he said "No, I don't think so, not if we are responsible about it." So I told him that for me, it would prevent me from moving on, and cutting off all contact from him was what I needed to do to be get to a good place in my life. A couple times in the conversation he tried to negotiate with me "Was it just the part where I said I missed you that made it hard for you? What if we don't talk about any of that stuff?" But I told him that we had to stop talking, and it might be for a very very long time. I was crying and he told me that the NC idea hurt. I asked him if he really didn't think we could work on ourselves and fix things and he said that "I haven't ruled out a possibility of us together again in the future, but it wouldnt be anytime soon. In order for that to happen we both need to heal first." I asked him if he had regretted his decision at any time in this past month and he said its not fair for me to ask him that, which I took to mean as "yes." So I'm guessing he was missing me, panicking a bit, but rationalizing with himself that at least if we could be friends, he would still have me in his life and it would be ok. Thats why he was rushing the whole friends thing so much. Now I am so depressed, but relieved I guess. No more anxiety about the next phone call. I'm just scared, if I really did want him to come back, especially since I knew he still had feelings for me, was reduced contact the better way to go (as long as I could deal with the anxiety)? I could show him that I was no longer the depressed girl that he remembered. By me telling him that we can no longer talk, did I kill all chances for us in the future? Gosh this all sucks so bad.
Yernasia Quorelios Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 When we get dumped, it's natural to assume that it is something about us or something we have done that led the dumper to end the relationship. We all have disagreements and disharmony in our relationships. The mark of a successful relationship is where these difficult times are are negotiated and the couple moves on together . IMHO a dumper's decision to end a relationship, no matter what reasons they may give, is primarily driven by the dumper's own issues - something about them that prevents them negotiating a difficult situation or situations in a relationship and consequently being unable to see a future for the relationship. This could explain why there is very little point in the dumpee trying to promise to change or to explain or to plead etc because if the real reason for the split is the dumper's issues the only way they will change their mind is if they acknowledge those issues and are prepared to deal with them. I think that this acknowledgement of/dealing with issues is what is beginning to happen when the dumpee starts to get mixed messages from the dumper after a split. I also think this is part of the reason why NC works. Once the dumper has had a period of little or no contact with the dumpee they can no longer attribute their own issues to that relationship and they may begin to acknowledge/deal with their own issues. Also the dumper may panic a little thinking that the dumpee has moved on before the dumper has had chance to fully resolve their recently acknowledged issues. Having said all of that that though, if a dumper has correctly identified the end of the relationship, NC will not work:(. Maybe in your case, your EX has issues with how to deal with depression and is trying to work through them. There are plenty of couples out there who successfully deal with depression within their relationships, so I don't think your depression is the issue here . If he is working through his issues, then I don't think that you killed all chances for the two of you in the future by going NC and telling him that you can no longer talk- in fact I would go the other way and say that you may have improved the chances of getting back together. In the meantime move on yourself. Your old relationship is dead; if you do get back together it will be a brand new relationship, a fresh start:love:.
chrissymcal Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 i am going through an identical situation at the moment, and im having the exact same feelings...but it makes sense, the more time away from you, the more they realize they miss you and what they loved about you, and you get to start over fresh...i just hope i get the chance...
emerald_isle Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 Does NC really have this effect on the dumper? I am in the exact same situation as well, and while I started NC as a way to get my ex back (it's only been a week) I'm thinking about him less and less. This makes me wonder if it's making him think about me less as well, which makes me nervous. On the other hand, NC seems to be having the effect it was meant to - helping me get over the breakup.
emerald_isle Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 I've started reading the Blaise Harris book, and so far, it seems to me like NC is the opposite strategy from what Harris recommends for getting your ex back. If anyone has read the book AND tried NC, can you tell us which worked better?
emerald_isle Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 IMHO a dumper's decision to end a relationship, no matter what reasons they may give, is primarily driven by the dumper's own issues... I also think this is part of the reason why NC works. Once the dumper has had a period of little or no contact with the dumpee they can no longer attribute their own issues to that relationship and they may begin to acknowledge/deal with their own issues. I think this would be really hard for the dumper to realize. In the case of depression, how could he realize this was his own issue rather than the dumpee's? He'd probably only realize it if he happened to get into another relationship with someone who is depressed, or if he had a friend who was depressed. In the first instance, he's in a new relationship and the old relationship doesn't look like it'll be coming back anytime soon. In the second instance, it would take a lot of time and thinking on the dumper's part, and absolutely no stuborness. My ex is stubborn as hell, and would very likely never make the connection between his issues, the reason he dumped me, and any friends/subsequent SO's with the same issues.
Yernasia Quorelios Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 I think this would be really hard for the dumper to realize. In the case of depression, how could he realize this was his own issue rather than the dumpee's? He'd probably only realize it if he happened to get into another relationship with someone who is depressed, or if he had a friend who was depressed. In the first instance, he's in a new relationship and the old relationship doesn't look like it'll be coming back anytime soon. In the second instance, it would take a lot of time and thinking on the dumper's part, and absolutely no stuborness. My ex is stubborn as hell, and would very likely never make the connection between his issues, the reason he dumped me, and any friends/subsequent SO's with the same issues.I agree that it is hard for the dumper to realise they have issues that need to be addressed. IMHO the root of most of these issues is an inability to cope with something be it depression, neediness, jealousy, illness, neglect etc. If there is effective communication between a couple, either directly or through an intermediary, then these issues can be taken care of before a dumping threshold is reached. You're right about the stubborness aswell. My estranged wife is also as stubborn as hell. We have separated, however our situation has become highly conducive to reconcilation. But because she has "made her decision" she doesn't want to work at it. She believes her new relationship where she is being "treated the way she wants to be treated" and "not being taken for granted" is the way to go. She still loves me and I still love her, however we've both moved on. Nonetheless once she gets over her stubborness and her new relationship ends I'm pretty certain we will get back together, stronger for a a brand new relationship, a fresh start:love:but in the meantime I'm dating and building new relationships and naturally being open and honest about my separation situation.
Yernasia Quorelios Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 Does NC really have this effect on the dumper? I am in the exact same situation as well, and while I started NC as a way to get my ex back (it's only been a week) I'm thinking about him less and less. This makes me wonder if it's making him think about me less as well, which makes me nervous. On the other hand, NC seems to be having the effect it was meant to - helping me get over the breakup.I don't know the stats but a lot of people on LoveShack swear by NC. If you consider that the dumping dynamic is as follows. The dumpee is desparate for, pretty much addicted to, contact and the dumper is desparate to be left alone. The dumpee goes NC or cold turkey, it's painful at first but rapidly starts getting better. The dumper, especially if they are reconsidering, begins to wonder what is going on and the dynamic changes. Just my HO:laugh:. I've gone ALC (Appropriate Limited Contact) with my estranged wife for almost a month now and feel so much better for it. I have no idea what effect it is having on her but then that's not really my issue. My concern is to get back to normal and I am doing so. It's always worth remembering that an EX fell in love under normal circumstances, they are not going to fall in love under dumping circumstances. Something needs to change and NC is just one way of making a change. Glad it's working in that it's helping you get over the break up.
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