Audrey20 Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 My boyfriend of 7 years can not stay away from pot. Once he is around it, he can not stop. It is literally upon waking up, throughout the day and up until bedtime. I hold down a full time job and he takes care of the house and sells books on ebay. When he is not smoking, he is thinking of when he will smoke it again. He has mood swings. Recently he had to sober up to go to his aunt's funeral. He called me and said that he "needs to get himself healthy before he can help anyone else". At times he says that he "needs to get away from the stuff." I asked him if he would date me if I were doing what he does. He said "absolutely not". I am trying not to condemn him as a person. I just feel that this is a man who can not control his intake of this stuff. When I first met him, I did not know of his psychological addiction to pot. Once my boyfriend takes that first amount, it is over. He quits his jobs because he is paranoid - but claims it is because he hates the jobs. He has quit 6 jobs. He was random tested at another one and was asked to either enter rehab or quit. He quit. Number 6 was almost a year ago. So.....he has been on "wake and bake" since November 30 - except a few days for the funeral. I know it is his journey, blah, blah, blah. He moved some stuff to his buddies apartment 2 hours away to set up an apartment up there where he can go to do it, and come back here with us when he isn't. I think that idea leaves me not in much of a relationship. So today I asked him to leave us altogether or to get sober, get a job, and get help. Right now, I really think the pot will win out. I am not here to condemn pot use. If he could just do even a little - I might be able to handle it. I don't smoke it because I have to be responsible. I feel that he is checking out on life. I can't continue working around his schedule - not able to have people over, etc. It is the same old story. I love him. He is a wonderful man in many ways. I don't know if he will thank me one day for putting my foot down, if he will respect me more. I don't know what the future will bring other than I will be okay without him. I just don't want to be without him because I really think he can do the work to get a grip. Are there any men out there that can tell me what it is like from his side. Of course I will appreciate all input. I am frankly hurting very, very much. Audrey20
Blue Phoenix Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 --"I think that idea leaves me not in much of a relationship. So today I asked him to leave us altogether or to get sober, get a job, and get help"-- 1st off who is this "us" your talking about?? Is it a child involved or other roomates?? If there is a child involved plz think of them 1st before any thing else. If he is this addicted to it and its altering his moods its in no way a healthey or safe enviroment for them to be in. --"If he could just do even a little - I might be able to handle it"-- I know im prob the only person in the world who thinks this way but even a little is too much. It's a drug just like any other and its a neg influence on any ones life not to mention very often leading to other more serious and damageing drug use. Look you sound like you have a head on your shoulders and got your act togher don't let this guy bring you down in this manner. Think like this if he realy cared for you and knew it was upsetting you this much. He would have at least made a honest attempt to get help and clean himself up. Not simply half move into another place were he could bake his last brain cells more freely. Dump him and find some one who will compliment you not drag you down and depress you..
Author Audrey20 Posted February 28, 2007 Author Posted February 28, 2007 Thank you for your reply. Yes, there is a child involved. I have been in counseling for about a year because of my inability to believe his behavior and not his words. He talks out of both sides of his mouth and it can make someone like me feel crazy. The best point you made is that he should see the pain it has caused himself and us. I think he does see it. Then he numbs himself and it gets better for a while. I am dealing with maybe I am being selfish by allowing this to go on in the house because it means he would not leave me. That isn't love on my part. Love on my part is to not let the man I love waste his life away like this. I say waste his life - because he says that him self. He says that he isn't living up to his potential. Thank you again for replying. I am just praying to get through this night and do a good job at work tomorrow.
polywog Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 Ugh, I can relate. My recently ex bf is also more of a pothead than he will admit. I don't think he is as deeply stuck on it as your sweetie, but right before he broke up with me last month he began smoking it a lot, daily, several times a day. IMHO it is generally a harmless thing, but when someone smokes it that much it numbs them out. It's impossible to have a real relationship with a stoned person. And for the record, I think that some people do get addicted to being stoned... it becomes their way of seeing the world. I haven't given you any advice here, just empathy.
Author Audrey20 Posted February 28, 2007 Author Posted February 28, 2007 Thanks Polywog for your reply. You are exactly right, he has not been available to us for such a long time. This has been my first experience with someone who needs to stay stoned to get by. I really don't think he will do anything but get angry for me having put him in this situation. He is without a job, living with a friend. He has to sober up to get a job because he will no longer be living here with me. My hope is that one day....he will see that I had to do this for myself and the child. Polywog - is it better for you since the breakup? Thank you.
Blue Phoenix Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 --"Love on my part is to not let the man I love waste his life away like this"-- Love in my mind is careing enough to try and alter a bad habbit that is makeing my partner sad and depressed. You sound like you know the best thing to do I hope you can find the strenth to go thu with it. If not for you then for your child do you realy want them growing up around such a man thinking that useing drugs is the best way to drown out lifes probs?? Belive me they will be tempted enough as it is with out haveing some one like that as a role model in there lives. Your welcome hope I helped some best of luck to you I know its a hard situation..
polywog Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 Thanks Polywog for your reply. You are exactly right, he has not been available to us for such a long time. This has been my first experience with someone who needs to stay stoned to get by. I really don't think he will do anything but get angry for me having put him in this situation. He is without a job, living with a friend. He has to sober up to get a job because he will no longer be living here with me. My hope is that one day....he will see that I had to do this for myself and the child. Polywog - is it better for you since the breakup? Thank you. Audrey, I don't know if it's exactly better for me since the break up, it wasn't so long ago and I miss him terribly, but I've rediscovered my strength. My bf is highly-functioning despite being stoned a lot. He owns his own business and is always working, tho I think he can be pretty scattered, maybe as a result of the pot. We live in a community with a sort of bohemian, hippy-ish work ethic which makes someone like him fit in pretty well.... not much incentive to change! Unlike you, there are no children involved... I admire your tough choice, as it sounds like you are putting your family (you and your child) first. That's fantastic. Yes, he'll probably get pissed off at you for not making his life easy as a stoner anymore, but hopefully he'll be a grown up and choose you and a fulfilling life over sitting around buzzed, escaping reality. He probably has some major self-esteem issues, and hope for his sake he gets help instead of making you into the bad guy. If he were an alcholic, I'd recommend that you got to ALANON to get support for yourself... maybe there's something like that for you? I do know there is NARanon, but I've always thought that it might be aimed at people dealing with addicts of hard drugs. Maybe you could google for info, or maybe someone else will post with advice. I've gone to Alanon in the past when I was involved with an alchoholic and it was very helpful. Anyhow, maybe it would be a good time for you to see a therapist to help you through this tough situation, take care of yourself. Hang in there, and keep posting. There are great people here at LS, it's been a terrific support for me, and will be for you, too... bunnies for inspiration :bunny:
Author Audrey20 Posted February 28, 2007 Author Posted February 28, 2007 This is helping me get through my night and I thank the two of you for posting. I just want to call him because I am withdrawing from my drug - that is him. It would be different if he was a demon - he isn't. His childhood wasn't the greatest. He has a college degree and could get a job. I have been reading Alanon literature because it helps in this situation as well. They always say to remember the 3 C's. I did not Cause it, I can not Control it, and I can not Cure it. I need to stay out of his mind and stay in my own business. Oh this is sooo hard. I would think to most readers, this is a no brainer. However, it is hard. I pray for sweet slumber to take me away from this!!!! I have to get up early tomorrow! I can't afford to jeopardize my job.
polywog Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 This is helping me get through my night and I thank the two of you for posting. I just want to call him because I am withdrawing from my drug - that is him. It would be different if he was a demon - he isn't. His childhood wasn't the greatest. He has a college degree and could get a job. I have been reading Alanon literature because it helps in this situation as well. They always say to remember the 3 C's. I did not Cause it, I can not Control it, and I can not Cure it. I need to stay out of his mind and stay in my own business. Oh this is sooo hard. I would think to most readers, this is a no brainer. However, it is hard. I pray for sweet slumber to take me away from this!!!! I have to get up early tomorrow! I can't afford to jeopardize my job. Well, yes it's hard... ya Love him! I'm glad you've read that alanon lit, it's really common-sense and so helpful. I guess the only thing that would make it perfect is if could take away your pain:( . Anyhow, please take care, get some sleep, and be kind to yourself and your hurting heart. And post here whenever you feel crazy, we all have. more bunnies to hypnotize you into sleepiness.. :bunny:
Guest Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 I am guessing you are young. Trust me you don't wanna wake up 20 years later and be married to a pothead. He has a target date: Nov 30th....well there ya go...that's your target date. If he starts again you are gone. There's nothing loving about watching our loved ones commit self-destructive behavior. Every addict pulls that line...if you love me you will accept my behavior. Surprisily alot of people fall for it. Its time to say I will NOT accept it because I DO love you. And more important..I love ME and I deserve better than someone under the influence. There is a show on A&E network called Intervention. Watch it.
LakesideDream Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 The days of marajuana being a harmless recreational drug are over. The "Pot" available these days isn't the "Pot" of the sixties or seventies. A few grams of this new stuff will send you straight to lala land. You cannot compete with a drug addiction. It's senseless to try. It's possible he will choose you over the drug if he is forced to make a choice. That's the hope. I'd suggest a few months of NC to give him a chance to clean up.
Author Audrey20 Posted March 3, 2007 Author Posted March 3, 2007 Thank you Guest and Lakeside Dream. I have been observing my behavior these past few days. When I become anxious or obsessed about him, I remind myself to "stay in my own hula hoop" (from a therapist a long time ago). I tell myself, "there you go, you are trying to get into his mind". It kind of helps me to see the process and not act on the obsession. Of course he will choose the pot. He is in a downward spiral at this point. He is smart enough to know what he should do for himself. He needs me to stay out of his life and I need to focus on mine. You all have been great to get me through a terrible time. Especially the night I first posted. I really did think I wasn't going to make it! I am much stronger now. Good luck to you all.
Heartache11 Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 Audrey, Definitely keep your positive attitude and head up. You sound soo much better than you did in your first posts. I don't have any more advice already than what everyone else has said. I just want you to know that you aren't alone and I can totally relate. My ex was a heavy user in high school, sobered up after and when he started dating me. Towards the end of our relationship, he started using pot a lot again. And now since we broke up, he tells me he hasn't been sober in 3 weeks between pot and alcohol. He called me last night and got high while on the phone with me. I guess it's good to know that we are stronger than these guys. They are our drugs but we know how to step away when things just aren't going to work out. I wish you the best of luck with everything.
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