lovely01 Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 hi i new here . i need some advice, some one to talk to. i have been married for 5 years and in november my husband told me that he had been having an emotional affair with a married women from his work. he said he has strong feelings for her but it never got phyical. but he said he loves me and ended it with her. he said he needed to tell me because the guilt was eating him up inside. then he proceeded to tell me everything that happened. but he says that he didint cheat that emotional affairs are not cheating. am i wrong did he cheat? i feel so sad i gave him everything. thanks for listening
ThumbingMyWay Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 Welcome! Emotional affairs are CHEATING. anytime a spouse has a relationship with an opposite sex and shares intimate feelings and conversations THAT THE MARRIED spouse doesnt know about, its called an emotional affair. Go here and do some reading about emotional affairs. http://www.marriagebuilders.com Love shack and MB can help you. Stick around here...you will get support
cl2d Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 You are absolutely right he cheated. When he does something behind your back and withhold information from you that's cheating. Sometime EA is actually worse than a PA, depending on how long the A was. My H was in an EA for over a year and claims he's in love with her and ready to leave me and our 3 kids for the OW. Your H needs to understand although there wasn't physical contact, it's still cheating. Then you two should get some counseling together.
ThumbingMyWay Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 also in reference to him saying he didnt have physical contact.... IMO...take that with a grain of salt. Cheaters will minimize the affair. They will only tell what they need to to protect themselves and the betrayed. IMO...dont be surprised if it was physical too. I am not trying to assume anything, but just dont be surprised. Also, one thing I see as a positive....is he confessed before you found out. That is a very good sign.
Author lovely01 Posted February 27, 2007 Author Posted February 27, 2007 thumbingmyway: i have a feeling it was physical. its just a feeling he tells me over and over again it wasnt but he has lied so much what am i to believe.
outofdarkness Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 I agree with the poster who said that EA's can be worst the PA's...I always felt that I would much rather find out that my H had been in meaningless flings then long term EA's...Of course, he did both, so I know pretty much about each...I also agree that the cheater tends to minimize and quite frankly, lie! My H first told me over and over that it was just lunches and that he just needed "friends"...It was not until the main OW came forward that he spilled his guts, and I found out that many, not ALL, but many were physical as well. Hope this helps and good luck with your situation...Know it's painful and confusing..
Guest Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 I also agree. Of course its cheating. The thing is until it becomes physical most people don't even know they are in an EA. Hell until the last 10 yrs most didn't even know such a thing as an EA existed. I HOPE he has come clean with you. Rarely does a BS get the full story right away. I sincerely hope your H is one of the few who saw the signs before it progressed and stopped it when he said he did. I am sure you feel hurt and betrayed and are questioning everything. He can help you rebuild trust slowly. By being patient with you. By giving you his cell phone and email passwords, by telling you any contact he has with her if work related. The relationship with her must end...completely. By answering any questions over and over and over again if necessary. You are looking for consistancy in his answers. Its surprising and sad how a BS gains information just by asking the same questions over and over. It was only a EA. Well...we kissed once. We kissed twice. We groped each other but that's all. Ok...we had sex but just one time. It seems every MM's limit is sex 3 times and a 3 month A. At least your H admitted to feelings for her so that's a good start in the honesty book. I would suggest counselling to help you both deal with this and help in getting to what led to this. The hard part is going to be watching him go through withdrawls. He is going to miss her. He might become moody and distant. Pick up the book "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass...its for both of you to read. Its one of the best books out there. Also "The Monogomy Myth" by Peggy Vaughn. You are gonna want to sweep this under the rug and you will offer forgiveness before you are ready. Step back, take a deep breath and realize this is going to take a long time to get over. I am sorry for your pain.
Author lovely01 Posted February 28, 2007 Author Posted February 28, 2007 last night i found a number in the glove department in our car. i am so sick and tired of people lieing to me. and theres no point asking him because i cant dont know what to believe. so should i call the number or just leave it alone? i cant trust anyone it makes me feel so alone. and all i keep thinking about is what i did wrong to make him look someplace else.
outofdarkness Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 last night i found a number in the glove department in our car. i am so sick and tired of people lieing to me. and theres no point asking him because i cant dont know what to believe. so should i call the number or just leave it alone? i cant trust anyone it makes me feel so alone. and all i keep thinking about is what i did wrong to make him look someplace else. The feelings you are having are normal. I don't know about the particulars of your M, but I do know that even if you did "do" something, it is not justification for your H to cheat! Re: The betrayal issue and having trouble trusting. I would not trust what he tells you at this point. He has to spend some time earning that trust back. The fact that, in my opinion, he has talked hiself into thinking that he didn't really cheat b/c it was just emotional, is bull s---! As I said before, that is just as if not more damaging... What I used to do if I questioned a # on the cell bill or found one, is dial *67 from my home phone so the person cannot see who is calling and see who answers. You can also do a reverse search on the net of phone #'s...Don't know if anyone does cell #'s for free yet...Didn't used to, and this is a pain b/c most are from cells, calling cards, etc...At least if you're going to stay with him right now, you can reassure yourself by taking these little steps. You will continue to be unhappy if he continues to deny what he has done/is doing, and he does no make a GREAT effort to earn back your trust, come clean and offer you reassurance for a long while to come. These are just my observations based on what I've been through. And...I still don't trust my H, who is a serial cheater..2 years after D day! Hope I've helped...
Guest Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 Call the number. Definately. If the OW answers tell her if she has any contact with your H again you will inform her H and show him proof. Please keep in mind she's going to tell your H that you threatened her and he might act pissed. So what? Let him. You have a right to know what's going on in your marriage. If her H answers tell him the true. If the answering machine picks up just state you found this number in your H's vehicle and want to know who it is.
Author lovely01 Posted March 1, 2007 Author Posted March 1, 2007 hey i hope everyone is having a good day. i need to talk i ask my husband to go to counseling and all he said is why i have to keep dwelling on this. i mean what the f***. am i doing something wrong?
ThumbingMyWay Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 hey i hope everyone is having a good day. i need to talk i ask my husband to go to counseling and all he said is why i have to keep dwelling on this. i mean what the f***. am i doing something wrong? NO...you are doing nothing wrong. Cheaters want to forget it. While the betrayed spouse may take longer to process and accept it. Its classic, my wife did the same. She just wanted it all in the past. Well it hasnt that easy for me. It took almost 2 years for me to finally go through all the stages and finally accept it. We did counseling, the whole nine yards too. Cheaters have already gone though it all....they were living it. Now that its over, they are moving on. But for the BS...its all still fresh, it will take longer to get over it. Tell him, in order for YOU to accept it and understand it all, you NEED a third party to help BOTH of you understand what led him to cheat. BOTH of you need to find out what was missing for him in regards to the marriage relationship that caused him to cheat. Counseling will also give you the opportunity to explore things that you are missing in the marriage.
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