MoonGirl Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 Somebody once said that a woman who's hit by her partner is only blameless the first time it happens -- because she shouldn't have been there for it to happen a second time. Not that it's "her fault" or anything but hopefully you get my drift. Getting hit by your partner should be an automatic dealbreaker. No ifs, ands or buts. If he hits you once, sooner or later he'll hit you again. It's only a matter of time. And next time he might do real damage. I agree with Frannie here. The physical abuse comes after, sometimes long after gobs of emotional abuse, and often in instances where a woman feels she is not able to leave. For me, my husband started the verbal abuse slowly, and it wasn't until after I had 1 child and was pregnant with our second child (about 5 years into our relationship) that the physical abuse started. I felt that I had nowhere to go. I knew I had to enable myself to leave him first. I managed to go back to school when I was pregnant, and I finished my degree when my 2nd child was 2 months old. I remember going straight from the hospital to class after I delivered him...it was such a stressful time. In theory, I agree that a woman should leave at the first sign of abuse, but many feel they can't leave...for many different reasons.
frannie Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 To tell you he loves you while going home to another is abuse and I'm sure very painful. If he made the decision to check into leaving it should have been done by now or at least discussed with his wife. From reading his post and how he responded to others I don't think he has the backbone to leave. Sorry. Well you can call it 'abusive' to do that, I'd call it self-centred, thoughtless, not thinking, whatever. There's a difference between being in a dead-end, frustrating, circular, unhappy relationship and being abused. When I talk of being in an abusive relationship I'm talking about control, manipulation, verbal attacks, belittling, breaking my things, threats, poking me, keeping me up all night arguing when I had to go to work, slapping me, the silent treatment, turning out a light when he left the room, hitting me... and so on until he ended up trying to strangle me. Being in an affair... a love relationship with someone who is married, is absolutely not comparable in terms of HIS behaviour. However, where you have a point is that I'm still the same person... I'm still waiting and hoping for something to get better. So perhaps it's more self-abusive than anything to keep waiting... but in this case I feel there's hope of something decent at the end of it... not the pointless hope that 'he'll change, if only...'. At the end of this I'll either be without him, or with a man who I do respect despite his faults. He's not 'an abuser'. But on to your point about whether or not he'll leave. I just don't know. He doesn't know either. Yes, he is dragging his feet. But it's a divorce... people don't just pop out and get them one afternoon on a whim: YEARS to decide is absolutely typical and common. I don't think there's much point in my going through all the aspects of it here and now because I've written about them before here, and we've discussed them til the cows come home between us of course. I doubt you could come up with anything I haven't already thought of and thrashed out with him several times. At the end of the day, it's entirely up to him whether he does or he doesn't divorce. The point of what we're doing now is he's going through things (slowly, painfully) and at the end of the process he's going to make a once-for-all decision, and then I'm going to make mine. i.e. if he's staying, the affair is over. IF he's going to leave, it will then be time to tell her... and then we see how that goes when it happens. I'm not sure exactly what other course of action you think I could take..? But if it sounds good, type it out, because I can't think of anything more sensible than that.
frannie Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 Just to add two things. Firstly that I have said 'enough is enough' now. And I mean, enough of the difficult situation, which is mainly caused not by him being an ass, but by circumstances and prior commitments of his. Not enough of being treated like dirt, because I haven't been. I've not had one real complaint about him in three years, and I'm not sure many people could say the same of their boyfriend or husband. But since this isn't a full-time live-in relationship exactly, then of course things may/will change when/if we are together. Perhaps I'll end up being unhappy with the way he treats me then. And I've already told him, just because he's got divorced to be with me doesn't mean I can make any promises about how life would be, or whether things would be permanent. I've always got out of poor relationships in the past, I don't see it being any different in the future.
frannie Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 In theory, I agree that a woman should leave at the first sign of abuse, but many feel they can't leave...for many different reasons. ... to my mind, the 'first sign of abuse' is actually a sign of control and manipulation (but as I said, I'm very sensitive to this now). A future abuser actually looks more like a knight in shining armour, a good guy, a pleaser and someone who is extremely thoughtful, romantic often... Who is going to run away from all that..? Well, unless you've been there done that and got the T-shirt, I mean..? By the time you're feeling hmm this is making me unhappy... you're trying to mentally put together in your head how such a great guy could have done this... and how it can be sorted out... and it all get back to how lovely he was before... hmmm... ugh... memories.
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