Guest Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 We have been in a "R" for about almost 8 months now.. he is very controlling (If i miss his phonecalls or don't agree to something he will get angry) accuses me of seeing other people,and slaps me if I so happen to "say the wrong thing,piss him off".I know he has to beat his wife,because he has been abusive towards me aswell.. so why am i still seeing him?? I love him..he tells me he loves me ALL THE TIME and i belive him because he spends more time with me then his W,,we have a VERY strong connection,see each other it least twice a week,go out and do things together., try to be intimate when we can,ETC ..but I know I deserve better..this isnt the first abusive relationship ive been in,, so i know it gets worse..I just don't and am not ready to loose him ,,yes i sound very nieve and stupid..i just figure that since he only hit me oh 4 times that i should stick around and see if he will change.....witch is not very likely ..
Izzar Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 A history of abusive relationships? Please, get some help maybe in therapy to break this cycle
BenThereDunThat Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 Be wary of being taken in by these mysterious "guest" posters with the various sob stories.
Jinxx Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 He only hit you 4 times???? This is acceptable to you? Thank God he is someone else's problem and what a horrible situation for that poor person too. You need to get yourself out of this mess. Go to counselling, do anything. The quicker you get of this relationship the better off you will be.
Blue Phoenix Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 --"I just don't and am not ready to loose him ,,yes i sound very nieve and stupid..i just figure that since he only hit me oh 4 times that i should stick around and see if he will change.....witch is not very likely"-- Ummm so when will you be ready to lose him before or after a few broken bones?? You have been in relashionships like this before you know very well were its headed did the other men ever change>>?<< I think not!! Hes no diffrent plz use your brain at the moment and dump him fast so you can start to get back your self esteem and sence of worth!! Def get into counceling to help you deal with your issues wich sound like there the size of the grand cannyon. Get help heal your self compleatly first then after your in a better place personaly go and find a nice decent single man..
Blue Phoenix Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 --"Be wary of being taken in by these mysterious "guest" posters with the various sob stories"-- I'm starting to wonder myself BenThere some of them are realy out there lately but on the flip side what if it realy is some one whos looking for help and advice? Its a catch 22 I wish they would invent a fairy tail finder feature for LS to sniff out the time waisters..LoL
BenThereDunThat Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 I'm starting to wonder myself BenThere some of them are realy out there lately but on the flip side what if it realy is some one whos looking for help and advice? Its a catch 22 I wish they would invent a fairy tail finder feature for LS to sniff out the time waisters..LoL I totally agree. I don't think we should not offer help, but just tread carefully. A red flag here, for me, was "he's ONLY hit me oh, 4 times..." I just want to warn people of getting wrapped up in these stories, then the person registers, becomes a member, PM's start, and before you know it some troll has herself a big ol' trophy - personal information. (sigh) - I'm just a boring ol' paranoid anymore! //breaking out the tin foil hat...
Jinxx Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 before you know it some troll has herself a big ol' trophy - personal information. And you'd think they'd have something else better to do with their time. What friggin morons the trolls are.
MoonGirl Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 We have been in a "R" for about almost 8 months now.. he is very controlling (If i miss his phonecalls or don't agree to something he will get angry) accuses me of seeing other people,and slaps me if I so happen to "say the wrong thing,piss him off".I know he has to beat his wife,because he has been abusive towards me aswell.. so why am i still seeing him?? I love him..he tells me he loves me ALL THE TIME and i belive him because he spends more time with me then his W,,we have a VERY strong connection,see each other it least twice a week,go out and do things together., try to be intimate when we can,ETC ..but I know I deserve better..this isnt the first abusive relationship ive been in,, so i know it gets worse..I just don't and am not ready to loose him ,,yes i sound very nieve and stupid..i just figure that since he only hit me oh 4 times that i should stick around and see if he will change.....witch is not very likely .. Hi, If you're not a "troll" and really do need help, I recommend posting in the abuse section of LS. There are a lot of people there who can help you. I had an abusive husband. I can tell you that the abuse never gets better - only worse. By staying, you're showing him that you're his doormat and will put up with anything. He won't change. You don't deserve to be abused. Leave this guy. Change your locks, your phone number, and your email address. And read this: http://www.drjoecarver.com/stockholm.html It might take the mystery out of loving an abuser. And this too: http://www.drjoecarver.com/loser.html It will help you identify a bad apple of a man.
whichwayisup Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 You are not married to this guy as he's already married...You have NO real committment to him, so do yourself a favour and DUMP HIS ASS. If you can't end it, then seek therapy to help you get out of that situation. You need therapy anyway because you've been in an abusive relationship before, it's unhealthy and a pattern you've allowed to happen to you again. *Don't think we should assume this post is fake - If the mods thought it was, they wouldn't be allowing "Guest" posts to even be on the boards. Remember, they can check IP addresses and see if they match those who have been trolls in the past or prevoius banned members.*
YoMomma Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 see if he will change.....witch is not very likely .. You already know he will not change, not for you or for his wife. Why in the world would you put yourself in danger by being in a relationship with a psychopath? ANY MAN that hits a woman - even once - is off his rocker! Get yourself away from him, and do it right now... not to scare you but you don't want to be the next headline in the newspaper do you? Just think how mad he will be if his wife finds out and gives him heck about you... I for one wouldn't want to be any where near him. Get away, get help if you need assistance in doing so. Good luck - and stay safe. :sick:
puddleofmud Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 I'd have to agree about taking this thread with a large rock of salt. Having been in court with countless abused women and their children--they just aren't "snarky"--they are TERRIFIED. One stated in court that a women expects to be slapped like a woman slaps another women or slaps a child on the bottom. When a MAN hits, he hits like he is hitting a man...it puts you in the f'ing floor begging for mercy and not a "fifth" slap. This reeks of something far less than honest.
Jinxx Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 When a MAN hits, he hits like he is hitting a man...it puts you in the f'ing floor begging for mercy and not a "fifth" slap. This reeks of something far less than honest. I'd say that is one pretty balless insecure ******* that would treat another human being that way. Note I did not llimit it solely to men abusing women. Anyone that stoops to that level is one sick f*cking insecure duck. What the hell is wrong with people?! Just don't get it.
puddleofmud Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 I'd say that is one pretty balless insecure ******* that would treat another human being that way. Note I did not llimit it solely to men abusing women. Anyone that stoops to that level is one sick f*cking insecure duck. What the hell is wrong with people?! Just don't get it. Which is why I am having a problem w/ thread: enraged abusers don't "slap" they HIT and they INJURE. The physical and emotionally trauma is surrealistic and not something to be jested about...
frannie Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 ..this isnt the first abusive relationship ive been in,, so i know it gets worse..I just don't and am not ready to loose him ,,yes i sound very nieve and stupid..i just figure that since he only hit me oh 4 times that i should stick around and see if he will change... So... what are you asking for help with..? Lack of logic..? Are you asking for help in getting out of an abusive relationship..? How did you manage it last time, or the time before that..?
MoonGirl Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 Which is why I am having a problem w/ thread: enraged abusers don't "slap" they HIT and they INJURE. The physical and emotionally trauma is surrealistic and not something to be jested about... Not always. Sometimes abuse is not about injuring, but about control. My husband often did not physically assault me to injure, but to instill more fear and gain himself more control. This gal should post in the abuse section of the board if she needs help, not here.
MoonGirl Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 So... what are you asking for help with..? Lack of logic..? Are you asking for help in getting out of an abusive relationship..? How did you manage it last time, or the time before that..? Frannie, It sounds so logical to all of us, from the outside. But it is not so black and white when you're in the thick of things. Logically, I knew my husband was abusing me, and I knew that if I told my friends and family about it, they would encourage me to leave him. I was emotionally attached to him...so I sat in my silence for a long time. It is not easy to leave an abuser even if you know it's the logical thing to do. And it's not easy to talk about because you know those who have not been abused will likely not understand where you're coming from. If you're interested, here's some informative reading about loving an abuser. It highlights the reasons why a victim often has trouble leaving: http://www.drjoecarver.com/stockholm.html
frannie Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 Frannie, It sounds so logical to all of us, from the outside. But it is not so black and white when you're in the thick of things. Logically, I knew my husband was abusing me, and I knew that if I told my friends and family about it, they would encourage me to leave him. I was emotionally attached to him...so I sat in my silence for a long time. It is not easy to leave an abuser even if you know it's the logical thing to do. And it's not easy to talk about because you know those who have not been abused will likely not understand where you're coming from. If you're interested, here's some informative reading about loving an abuser. It highlights the reasons why a victim often has trouble leaving: http://www.drjoecarver.com/stockholm.html MoonGirl, sorry if I didn't make myself at all clear in my post. I know exactly what it's like being with an emotionally and physically abusive partner, because I was with one five years ago. What I was trying to do was to get the OP to think about what she's asking... if anything..? It didn't look to me like a request for help, more a statement of fact.
noforgiveness Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 MoonGirl, sorry if I didn't make myself at all clear in my post. I know exactly what it's like being with an emotionally and physically abusive partner, because I was with one five years ago. What I was trying to do was to get the OP to think about what she's asking... if anything..? It didn't look to me like a request for help, more a statement of fact. Frannie you are still being emotionally abused. I so wish you would see it. You never got way from the abuse. You see everyone elses situation for what it is and you offer great advice and tell them to run but for some reason you don't see your own. It's really sad. You've been in this too long. Your life is passing you by while you wait. I wish you would see it. I actually think you are beginning too. Especially from the advice you've given others recently.
reservoirdog1 Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 I'm having a lot of trouble seeing the upside in this "relationship", beyond the fact that you love him. Say he leaves his wife for you. Then you're stuck with the violent sick fyck. At least his wife won't have to get hit by him anymore -- she'll be the lucky one. Somebody once said that a woman who's hit by her partner is only blameless the first time it happens -- because she shouldn't have been there for it to happen a second time. Not that it's "her fault" or anything but hopefully you get my drift. Getting hit by your partner should be an automatic dealbreaker. No ifs, ands or buts. If he hits you once, sooner or later he'll hit you again. It's only a matter of time. And next time he might do real damage.
puddleofmud Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 Not always. Sometimes abuse is not about injuring, but about control. My husband often did not physically assault me to injure, but to instill more fear and gain himself more control. This gal should post in the abuse section of the board if she needs help, not here. I agree! Absolutely! I was only making a point about the aspect of physical violence/ hitting. And so true that the control issue is so extreme that a woman is no long even cabable of interalizing that she is being abused...and round and round it goes....this is of course, why so many stay in abusive relationships.
frannie Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 Somebody once said that a woman who's hit by her partner is only blameless the first time it happens -- because she shouldn't have been there for it to happen a second time. Not that it's "her fault" or anything but hopefully you get my drift. Getting hit by your partner should be an automatic dealbreaker. No ifs, ands or buts. If he hits you once, sooner or later he'll hit you again. It's only a matter of time. And next time he might do real damage. The trouble is, that the physical part starts way, way, after the mental control and abuse has been well established. By that time someone's thought patterns are just not going to go down the road of what is 'normal' in such a situation. The tendency is to blame oneself for what is happening, and to excuse the abuser.
frannie Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 Frannie you are still being emotionally abused. I so wish you would see it. You never got way from the abuse. You see everyone elses situation for what it is and you offer great advice and tell them to run but for some reason you don't see your own. It's really sad. You've been in this too long. Your life is passing you by while you wait. I wish you would see it. I actually think you are beginning too. Especially from the advice you've given others recently. I suppose I'd argue that I see my situation for what it is too. I very rarely tell people to run (though I do on occasion!), but rather to look at what is happening and decide for themselves whether being in or out of it is good for them. I KNOW this situation is harmful for me, and some people would say, as you have, that it's 'abusive'. Having actually been controlled by someone (or at least he tried to, and I bought into it for a while before I woke up and got myself out of it) I hope I gained at least some knowledge of the difference between being in love, and being co-dependent, and being abused and feeling like there are no alternatives in your life. I know I have alternatives. I know I can live without him. And I know I can be happy without him, of that I have absolutely no doubt. I'm not dependent on him to make my future or my present a good place to be. That doesn't make it easy (or even, necessarily, right in my view) to walk away and give up on it. I don't want to, at this stage. I feel tired out, in pain often, and thoroughly frustrated. That doesn't mean that at any time when we're together, or just chatting on the phone, there's anything but happiness and fun. There's no abuse going on, or nothing that I recognise as such (and yes, you can argue that, no doubt). It's the situation that stinks, not how we relate to each other. If I thought he was going to be abusive or controlling in any way I would most certainly never have become involved with him, because I think I can spot that kind of behaviour miles away. What I own up to, and have said many times, is that I got involved with a MM because at the time I was completely convinced that I never wanted another real relationship, and he was a 'safe' option, being married. Oh dear. Well, all I can say is that you live and learn, and I didn't know myself at all. But I think you've been away from the boards for a while, so you probably missed his post on Separation and Divorce, asking for input? After reading people's responses we decided to end the affair one way or another. No more 'third way' as it were. So... at the moment he's sorting out his finances, has researched possible accommodation, and is consulting a solicitor to investigate child access arrangements and whether he can have joint custody/residency. At the end of that process we'll have more discussion about whether or not his divorce and us getting together is the best option. If not, then we will regrettably have to end this, for all concerned.
frannie Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 Actually, thinking some more I'd say that, with plenty of exceptions (which don't end up on advice forums, of course!) affairs can be very harmful situations indeed for the OP. But that doesn't in any way mean that the married person is 'abusive'... more I would say selfish and needful. And in some cases, that selfishness and needfulness does convert into abusive, manipulative behaviour which is obvious in some of the threads on here. I think that's what I usually call people on: when I see control... maybe that's what bothers me more than anything. Of course you're right in the sense that affairs are harmful and unfair, and perhaps it would be better to say as an OP one allows oneself to remain in a situation that's causing harm, unhappiness, pain... it's a very bad situation, but who is abusing who..? I suppose that to an extent it could be called 'abuse' to 'allow' someone to be involved with you when that person is obviously hurting. But that's really stretching things. I don't go in for the victim mentality... I believe people should take care of their own well-being, rather than point the finger at the 'bad old abuser' or 'nasty MM' who isn't treating them right. Take responsibility for your own life... no one else is going to. But I'd add that I can see that everywhere on LS, not least in marriages both those with and without infidelity as a factor. In particular I've noticed that a lot of married people having affairs are being badly treated in their own marriage... the 'abused' rather than the abuser, the one with the low self-esteem, the needful one. How many MM fit this picture, and find something good with an OW..? Plenty of women in abusive relationships find their strength to leave a poor marriage because of a man outside who helped them see that they had some worth to someone. That's a story often played out on these boards.. MoonGirl and ratingsguy right at this moment. OK enough rambling and musing now.
noforgiveness Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 actually Frannie I did read his post on separation and divorce and did follow it. I think he is a real avoider. He didn't seem to care or acknowledge many of the responses I really hope he is not stringing you along. That's the abuse. the lies. The stringing along having you wait. It does not take that long to contact a lawyer and find out your options. Has he even told his wife yet that he is unhappy and thinking of leaving? So many times when they tell the wife they actuallt see how much the wife does care and then they give their marriage another chance. I just can not imagine being in love with someone when so much of your future is unsure. When you don't know if what he tells you is the truth or not. To tell you he loves you while going home to another is abuse and I'm sure very painful. If he made the decision to check into leaving it should have been done by now or at least discussed with his wife.From reading his post and how he responded to others I don't think he has the backbone to leave. Sorry.
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