To all those who've been wronged...a happy thread?

[confucious]

Recently I was in a relationship with a woman who I thought I was madly in love with and who had convinced me the same of her. We talked of extended travel together in a few years time, of the possibility of living together, we spent loads of time together. I truly thought this was a relationship we could keep on building, cementing, strengthening.

 

My only problem was - there were constantly little things she did that I found thoughtless and improper in a relationship, there were numerous things done in blatant disregard of my feelings, there were some big lies (smoking for four months and hiding it from me) and small lies about where she was, how long etc.

 

I do not think she cheated...I DO think she was narcissistic, I firmly believe she was out for herself and that others came a distant second. She had no empathy, and didn't even TRY to understand others and be compassionate. She communicated very poorly and accepted NO responsibillity for her actions. She could tell me she loved me SOOO much one minute, the next that tap was turned off and I recieved the cold shoulder until I somehow "fixed" things. All this served to make me somewhat needy - a reaction I hated and felt weakened by...

 

The above is not meant to bash her - she IS a wonderful woman, at least for someone out there. I have no doubt she will someday meet a likewise self-centered person and that they'll be happy together. hahahah - and no, that is not sarcastic - I am serious.

 

I tried not to bring problems up in the end of the relationship as I knew it was straining things - but the fact is I couldn't help it...I did not appreciate certain things she did and felt I HAD to call her on them. Ultimately this ruiined our relataionship, we returned eachothers things and said good-bye.

 

NOw - to my point!!!!!!!!

 

Two weeks after saying good-bye, two weeks of turning things over, wondering if I could have ignored things, accepted things, been less needy (I could of, yes), done this, done that, I realized that breaking it off was the BEST thing in the world for me - that not only did I deserve someone who was honest and CONSISTENTLY caring, I WANTED a PARTNER. A narsissistic person makes a very poor partner, I have found.

 

For all those who have lost a partner because they couldn't lay down and be walked all over, for all those who've been cheated on, lied to, disrespected, ignored, used...for all those who have tried genuinely to love that person but been found to be consistently "lacking" - DON'T blame yourself. DON'T cling and hope to ressurect what is dead. DON'T resign yourself to being single forever. And most of all - DON'T believe your "one soulmate" is gone and you'll never find another - if you love yourself there are a MILLION soulmates out there just waiting to be "found". The fact is - you are better off WITHOUT that person, you will grow more, you will thrive more, become more grounded out form under the shadow that was your ex.

 

Perhaps the most important thing we can do is look back over our relationship - recognize where we went wrong and also recognize where we didn't get the love/consideration we deserved. Knowing that we deserve to be cherished by our significant other AND MOST OF ALL OURSLEVES.

 

With this in mind we can walk straighter, we can look others in the eye KNOWING who we are and what we want, we can be safe in the knowledge that WE make our own decisions in this life and that we are not victims - we are people who have made a choice! What your choice is/was will be different then mine, different from everyone elses - it will be yours!

 

There is a post in self-help about loving oneself...you can only truly and healthily love another if you have a truly healthy relationship with yourself. Use your pain, use your mistakes, use you regrets to make yourself better. Life is never finsihed, growth never stops...until the day we die we should be striving to be better people and even if we excel at this we will never be PERFECT. But we can try - if that is not enough for someone else, then we will find someone who it IS good enough for - in fact, we will find someone who cherishes us for it.

 

We can never be truly, miserably lonely if we genuinely love ourselves. This can take years and years, but isn't it really the most worthwhile thing to do with our time???

[justagirlforever]

And most of all - DON'T believe your "one soulmate" is gone and you'll never find another - if you love yourself there are a MILLION soulmates out there just waiting to be "found". The fact is - you are better off WITHOUT that person, you will grow more, you will thrive more, become more grounded out form under the shadow that was your ex.

 

Perhaps the most important thing we can do is look back over our relationship - recognize where we went wrong and also recognize where we didn't get the love/consideration we deserved. Knowing that we deserve to be cherished by our significant other AND MOST OF ALL OURSLEVES.

 

With this in mind we can walk straighter, we can look others in the eye KNOWING who we are and what we want, we can be safe in the knowledge that WE make our own decisions in this life and that we are not victims - we are people who have made a choice! What your choice is/was will be different then mine, different from everyone elses - it will be yours!

 

I couldn't agree more. And from the "failures" of my past relationships, I've grown to see and understand this. I've come to understand and accept myself. And also love myself. It took a lot a pain and anguish to go through (who doens't), but I've come to understand and believe that that is simply the only way.

 

So (yeah, easier said than done) but recognise, accept and move on.

I have no regrets and wouldn't do anything any other way.

 

Smile

[confucious]

I actually meant to put this in Breaks and Breaking up but spazzed a little

 

whoops...

[justagirlforever]

Whoops - can it be moved across there by a mod or someone with "higher powers"?

[oppath]

Excellent post. I think most people pining over their exes should take this to heart. Realize how you weren't getting the love you deserve.

 

Of course, it is not that easy, especially if you were dumped and have other depression symptoms. I know my ex is not the person for me. I deserve someone who is fully honest, put's me first, and communicates assertively. She was not those things. I struggle sometimes with "timing" but that is irrelevant. I will date and love again. I just don't want to go 8 years between meeting people I truly like. Of course, that too is an irrational thought.

 

I am better off without my ex and I will become a stronger person for my experience, during the relationship and the post-breakup drama. I did nothing wrong within the relationship except ignore some "red flags" or get involved with an emotionally unavailable woman. Next time, I'll assert my boundaries earlier and choose more wisely. I'm also learning how to get over the pain of having my heartbroken. It sucks. It's the most painful thing I've experienced. In the long run, however, as long as I keep my head up, this is a good experience. I'll be better able to cope with future rejection if I learn how to treat myself right now.

[Art_Critic]

Two weeks after saying good-bye, two weeks of turning things over, wondering if I could have ignored things, accepted things, been less needy (I could of, yes), done this, done that, I realized that breaking it off was the BEST thing in the world for me - that not only did I deserve someone who was honest and CONSISTENTLY caring, I WANTED a PARTNER. A narsissistic person makes a very poor partner, I have found.

 

~~ One day someone will walk into your life and make you see why it never worked out with anyone else.. ~~

[taylor]

Art Critic,

 

I love your quote. I have it posted above my bed and I read it every night before I go to sleep. Works better than a sleeping pill..There is hope...

[unstuck]

Never allow someone to be your priority, while allowing yourself to be thier option.