Guest Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 Ok, he finally moved out 10 days ago. We have had this affair already 2 years. Wife finally knows. Now he feels guilty. Now he is not sure if he can go through with the seperation. He says he love me. He feels sorry for the wife but claims he does not love her. There is a small child involved. He does go home to see the child daily. Wife makes daily comments about him not being a good father. Really laying on the guilt. Thats really the only card she has right now, I just dont get it, why would a woman want her cheating husband back, after knowing he has cheated on her already 2 years? knowing that if he did come back it would only be because of the child. Today he said he will stay the night at his house, cause he wants to spend time with the child. this is even worse then wondering if he will ever leave. Now I am wondering everyday when he will go back..... out of guilt , not out of love for the wife. Very confussing. She has been very quite the last 10 days, strange behaivior, any thoughts would be appriciated
whichwayisup Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 He owes it to his child and his wife to give the marriage a chance to work by going to counselling with his wife. Let him go....If it doesn't workout between them, and they divorce, THEN you can date him...Until then, send him home. If he doesn't work on his marriage, try to make it up to his wife, and his child, he will probably regret it for the rest of his life. He needs to see HOW life is without you in it and bond again with his wife... Remember too, whatever he tells you about his wife may not be 100% true. He has lied to her for 2 years, so don't fool yourself into thinking he hasn't lied to you, or exaggerated the truth to reel you in.... His wife has EVERY right to fight for her husband! And whatever strange behaviour is going on with her, I think she has EVERY right to feel that way! Hello, she just found out her husband has had an affair! Her whole world has been turned upside down, her family torn apart - Yes, he is the one who cheated on her, but you helped him and enabled him to do that to her.
frannie Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 Hello guest, this is fairly common behaviour in a man trying to break free from a marriage, especially when there's a child involved. There doesn't seem a lot of logic to MM or BS's behaviour in these cases to the outsider (for all the reasons you've clearly outlined here: lack of love, infidelity), but that's disregarding the huge pulls of guilt, habit, and a small child. I don't think there's a whole lot you can do right now other than wait it out and be patient. BUT you need to be realistic: this 'stage' could go on for a long time, even years, while he and she sort out in their own minds and what they want, and explore what is possible. Remember she's only just learnt about what's happened. There will be changes in her behaviour now, and a desire to work on things with him, at least for a time. That, and a combination of his guilt, may be enough to keep him vascillating longer than you're prepared to wait. I think you will have to accept the fact that as WWIU has said, he may also be lying to you about exactly what is going on during this period. Staying there overnight is quite possibly not all about being with his child. And even if it is... it's sending a confusing message to his wife. Either way, his behaviour says he's not out, not really. People talk about two aspects to separation: physical, and emotional separation. Your MM has so much guilt and 'feeling sorry' for her that he's not really emotionally separated. And he's barely physically separated either at the moment. Even if he has moved out properly, and set up a life with you, IF he's not truly emotionally separated from his W (and past responsibilities), he may end up going back at some point. A few posters I've read about on here and elsewhere have had that happen to them. So... you may be in for a long haul, and possibly ultimate disappointment. All I can say to you is to protect yourself, be prepared for the worst, and make sure that you lay some ground rules. Is he staying at yours or has a place of his own..? If he is just flip-flopping between yours and her place, that can only be unsettling for you. Perhaps you can suggest you and he just 'date' for the time being. Perhaps NC is more appropriate to protect yourself (and focus his mind! for all concerned) during this period, telling him that you don't want to speak to him until he's filed. Anyway, welcome to the forum and I hope you talk more about what's happening. Good luck.
outofdarkness Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 Ok, he finally moved out 10 days ago. We have had this affair already 2 years. Wife finally knows. Now he feels guilty. Now he is not sure if he can go through with the seperation. He says he love me. He feels sorry for the wife but claims he does not love her. There is a small child involved. He does go home to see the child daily. Wife makes daily comments about him not being a good father. Really laying on the guilt. Thats really the only card she has right now, I just dont get it, why would a woman want her cheating husband back, after knowing he has cheated on her already 2 years? knowing that if he did come back it would only be because of the child. Today he said he will stay the night at his house, cause he wants to spend time with the child. this is even worse then wondering if he will ever leave. Now I am wondering everyday when he will go back..... out of guilt , not out of love for the wife. Very confussing. She has been very quite the last 10 days, strange behaivior, any thoughts would be appriciated You say that he moved out 10 days ago...My CH left because I asked him to leave for a separation after I found out about the C...He said from the get go that he wanted to work on the M and did not have any feelings for any of them...I don't know if this was 100 percent true or not, but I assume that it sent a powerful message to the OW's..at least the main one, that he wanted to be with myself and our kids. I would think that the fact that he actually DID leave is a good sign for you, but I am with the other poster who said you don't know what he's been telling HER..Mabey she found out and asked him to leave? The bouncing back and fourth drove me crazy! I am sure it does this to most people. I would think the best thing for you to do is like someone else posted, sit back and do nothing and let things run their course...I hate the old saying; "Set somone you love free, if it comes back it was meant to be", but I think it really holds true. Neither one of you; you or the W, I mean, want to be w/ someone who doesn't want to genuinly be with you in heart and body...I also hate that he seems to sort of have the upper hand it this, when he has cheated on both of you. In your case, he had already moved out to be w/ you and then went back...He told you it was for the child, but do you really know for sure? I don't think either one of you should let him continue to go back and fourth..
Impudent Oyster Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 I just dont get it, why would a woman want her cheating husband back, after knowing he has cheated on her already 2 years? knowing that if he did come back it would only be because of the child. Today he said he will stay the night at his house, cause he wants to spend time with the child. this is even worse then wondering if he will ever leave. Now I am wondering everyday when he will go back..... out of guilt , not out of love for the wife. Very confussing. She has been very quite the last 10 days, strange behaivior, any thoughts would be appriciated Not confusing nor is her behavior strange. Why would she want her cheating husband back? Because she loves him, because they have a small child, because she hopes he will change, because she is financially and/or emotionally dependant on him, because she believes he still loves her, because she remembers why she married him and how happy they were, come on, she has far more reasons for trying to save her marriage than you could possibly imagine. Do you really think people are willing to throw away all their hopes, dreams, futures and lives that quickly? I'm sure she at least wants to make sure the marriage is beyond repair before she just walks away, there is too much at stake not to.
Guest Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 Not confusing nor is her behavior strange. Why would she want her cheating husband back? Because she loves him, because they have a small child, because she hopes he will change, because she is financially and/or emotionally dependant on him, because she believes he still loves her, because she remembers why she married him and how happy they were, come on, she has far more reasons for trying to save her marriage than you could possibly imagine. Do you really think people are willing to throw away all their hopes, dreams, futures and lives that quickly? I'm sure she at least wants to make sure the marriage is beyond repair before she just walks away, there is too much at stake not to. Thank you to all that posted, its helps hearing your words. She did know aqbout the affair to some extent before this happened, This is such a mess. Why did he even bother to leave, if he was going to regret and go home again? I have given him so many outs already, telling him to stay home. He always shows up saying he cant live with out me. I know its the guilt about the child. She keeps telling him that he will only see the child every other weekend if he goes. He cant handle that. I know that with time she would allow more visitation, but she is using this now to get him back home. Its sad to see him suffer, its sad for all. Thanks again for all your advice
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