temptris33 Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 My bf and I split up on Sunday...on the way back from a nice weekend in Pismo. We just started talking about things and he mentioned that maybe I should be with someone better than him that could give me the things that I want. Things like that. It was mutual. Peaceful. A little history: He's 28. I'm 38. I have two kids that live with me part time and we have been together for almost 4 years. We dont live together even though he was at my house almost every night. The break up is mostly because after this long into a relationship I would like to know if it's gonna go anywhere. We need to be on the same page so to speak. I don't want to continue to be in a dating relationship. I would eventually like to be married (someday in the future) and would like to know that they want that as well. So, he did say that he doesn't know if he can give me that. He told me how much he loved me and all that stuff. He just felt that maybe there was someone better for me. I do have doubts as well as we've broken up about this before....him questioning his feelings, and the fact that I have kids (12 and 13) and he doesn't know how he'd be as a step father and wants to be financially good to be able to help support them...and he can't do that right now. His dad died on Dec 12 (suicide) and he moved into his parents house. He was living in a small little office space above the shop that family runs. So, it's not like he has established himself anywhere. When he dropped me off at my house on Sunday after the trip, it took him a long time to leave. He kept telling me that if there is anything I would ever need to please call him and he loves me sooo..we hugged forever and shared some kisses and some tears....an hour and a half later he calls me in tears telling me that he doesn't know. He misses me already and he loves me. He asked if he could call me later. He calls later in the evening and was obviously upset. He told me that he IS in love with me and started going into detail about how he loves it when my nose nugges into his neck when we snuggle and that he loves my hair, my body, etc..and that he is just so scared of the next step and he talked about the fact that hes never bought me any jewelery (never asked) and that he doesn't even know how to go about doing anything like that and hates to ask anyone for help...and all that. Pretty much the conversation was about how in love with me he is and that he is so overwhelmed with so many emotions...we talked for a few min more and finally hung up. I never initiated any of the talk. He just poured his heart out. The next day he called me in the morning. He wanted to come down and bring me a croussant. I told him No thanks and that I was good. I told him that it wouldnt be a good idea to get the benefits of a relationship and not be in one. We talked for a few..he said that he was so torn. I said I am torn as well......it's 50 50 with me at this point. I dont know if I should take it or leave it. We hung up and I had my ups and downs for most of the day. I caved around 11 pm cuz i couldn't sleep. I sent him a text and told him that I am not grauveling and that I just wanted him to know that I dont want to find someone better for me and that he is the one that I want and no one else and that its so hard not having him next to me. Well, he called me. I told him that he didn't have to call me back because I texted him. He said that he went to dinner and drove up to the snow. He was on his way back to his parents house and was stopped on the side of the road. He said that he doesn't want to play with my emotions but wants to be near me. He wanted to come down. He said nothing has to happen and that I just want to be near you. I caved. He came down, crawled into bed and we fell asleep. He was leaving this morning and had some valentines coupons ( I made him a mailbox filled with coupons that I hand made for various things..massage...bla bla and I also gave him a book that I changed the names in. It was called how much do I love you) anyways....he had three of the coupons with him...they weren't the sexual ones but the "I'm sorry" card, "get out of argument free card" and another one like that. He also said that he's carried my book around all day and had read it three times...it touched me. It really did. What do I do. I know that I need to move on, but I am soooo in love with this person. I can't keep doing the emotional thing though. I don't think that I can trust him emotionally anymore. Oh, he also menioned in one of our talks on the phone that he just doesn't know what would happen in 5 - 6 years and doesn't want to do me the injustice....that was thrown into the mix of one of the convos...is it because he's so scared of the unknown? I don't think its a case of "he's just not that into me". I know that he loves me but why is he questioning everything? Maybe it's because he feels he might not love me enough????? I dont know how things will pan out. I dont know if I should take him back if that goes that way...i dont know if I should continue to see him occasionally.....I am going away with my best friend this weekend and he is really freaked out about that....I'm so confused. I don't know if we will get back together..he knows how I feel about the future and all that and now it's for him to decide. HELP!!!!!
Reckless Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 People often say the truth whether they mean to or not... I don't think that I can trust him emotionally anymore. You want different things - you are at differrent places ... your age gaps is showing... he also menioned in one of our talks on the phone that he just doesn't know what would happen in 5 - 6 years and doesn't want to do me the injustice.... If he's telling you these things believe him. If someone says "I'm lazy" believe them or if someone says "I'm selfish" believe them - this man is saying "I'm unsure and I think I'll break your heart 5 or 6 years down the line.." believe him. Frankly you sound like a woman in love with a boy. He sounds like a boy, period. Sure he loves you - like a boy loves you, like a puppy loves you. Let him go and find someone that doesn't turn blue with fear at the thought of making a commitment to you. He was right, you deserve better.
Author temptris33 Posted February 27, 2007 Author Posted February 27, 2007 I just got off the phone with him. He said he thinks maybe he's doing this to see how much I care for him. He said sometimes he feels like hes under a microscope and that he's being conspired against from my friends (they tell me that I need to move on from him and things like that)....he said he doesn't know if that's the reason he's doing this and to not take it at that..I just got done typing out a long letter and its not a begging/pleading/desperate letter....just a "hey its a yes or a no and lets move on" letter. Why would he tell me that he's not sure of down the line in 5 or 6 years....is it cuz I'd be older looking or something...frkn dont know. It's hard to turn off that many years with someone. Its easy to say "just move on cuz he's saying this..." hard to do tho. What if he really is scared of the future? he does hate change and unpleasant and unpredictable things. Maybe he truly is in love with me and its freaking him out because the next level is unavoidable and has to be discussed and he doesn't want to fail at it. ?????
Guest Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 I am about your age and this is what I would do. Make no mistake its going to be hard. Have NO contact with him until he decides what he wants. Tell him that. This back and forth crap is hurting both of us. You will not use me as an excuse or a test because you don't know what you want. When you figure it out let me know. Until then leave me alone. I have kids and other responsibilities to attend too.
Author temptris33 Posted February 27, 2007 Author Posted February 27, 2007 You are right. That is what I should do. I think that his coming down last night "helped" him in "his" hurting moment, but what about me? I was the one there for "his" comfort. Dont get me wrong, I liked him there but when I'm having a hard go I dont want to call him and ask him to come down cuz I dont know if he would. I think he would, but dont know it. Wouldn't total NC just push him away completely. Should I just go limited contact...only if he calls me. I wont call him. Or, would that be a bad idea? I guess its time for him to start acting and not speaking so much. ???????????????
Author temptris33 Posted February 28, 2007 Author Posted February 28, 2007 I cant believe how tore up I am right now. He just left. He called me out of the blue earlier and was rambling about a business related thing for me and such and I mentioned that I wanted to give him this letter since I couldn't e mail it. He said he would drive down to get it. He got here and we hugged a little and then we were hugging on my bed and talking...he wanted to mess around and said that we have the best sex that he's ever had and all that......was kissing my tummy and all that. I said No. I had to have some dignity. As MUCH as I wanted him, I didn't do it. We kept talking. Mostly him. I didn't initiate it. I did tell him that I couldn't keep seeing him and if he wanted to talk he could always call me. He just kept telling me over and over how much he loves me....and in love with me he is....when he finally walked to the door we talked some more and I just said that I dont want to be in limbo and that him being completely honest with me wouldn't hurt me any more or less...he said He's in love with me but doesn't think we should be together. Then continued to say that he thinks we have a destructive love and not a healthy love...????////??? He has issues and I have issues...if you love someone wouldn't you want to work on them and make it work? He gave me a long kiss goodbye and I shut the door. As soon as that door was shut I was nuts. I couldn't stop bawling. I am still crying. I know that its over. I can't turn off my love for him though as much as I want to. He says that he cant even think of me being with someone else. What the hell does that mean? THEN DONT LET ME. IF HE LOVED ME HE WOULDNT WANT ME TO BE. Or am I wrong? Do you think that he will get over this quickly? Or do you think this will be hard for him as well? Do guys miss the girls that they love? Wow. I need help. I dont know if i can get through this freakn pain.
Author temptris33 Posted February 28, 2007 Author Posted February 28, 2007 Any advice would be greatly appreciated.....he called again this morning at 545. I answered because I didn't know it was him. Whi would he call me that early?
princessa Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 I think this guy clearly cares about you a lot and probably loves you as well. I can see how he might view a commitment to you as a huge responsibility that he's afraid to fail. You said that he's not stable financially, doesn't know if he can be a good stepfather, doesn't know if he even wants that type of commitment... Perhaps he's just scared of the future and of failing you. Not sure what to say here.. maybe give him some space to figure out what he really wants?
Author temptris33 Posted March 1, 2007 Author Posted March 1, 2007 He called me again early evening yesterday. i didn't answer. I did listen to his message though. It said: "Heyy its me. i'm just giving you a rind. I've been thinking about some stuff. I did read your letter too so its ....just thought of some stuff now just now and ummm hope your doing good. I will talk to you later". That was the msg. Well, I called back a few seconds later and he didn't answer. I tried one more time and he did. He was grabbing a bite so he said he'd call me back. He called me back after a few. I didn't hear it ring. DAMN! Here's what the msg said: " Hey you its me..im sitting in my truck where its warm. i dont know. I just wanted to see how you were doing. you know the hole not good enought thing that I go through in my mind I was reavaluating things that I've gone through with my dad (he commited suicide in Dec) and alll that stuff.....he always had a big thing that he wasn't always good enough and thats why he always worked his ass of and he's built that into me I guess. and somewhere along the line, in generations I have to nip things in the butt....and address things...i dont know..I kind of feel not good enough in a sense with you and i know that sounds totally rediculous to you but I feel like I'm always running behind and being with you I feel like I'm running even more behind because your older..and I should be on my game more..i know some guys my age that have their house and their frkn property and all that...just everythings running perfect. and i realize that we need to grow together to do that and your a smart woman to know that the two of us need to do that together but just know that I am thinking alot about the situation...Im not blowing it off I really am not I care about you..i love you..and have a good evening..thats what s on my mind..I'll talk to you later. I dont want to f*** with your mind by any means and do what you got to do". He went on to say that he was listening to my cd that I gave him and then it cut off. I tried to call him back but he didnt answer. I sent him a text. It said : I would rather talk to you in person than send you a text. Its not about what u have or dont have..its about commiting to someone-nt necessarily marriage-and loving them unconditionaly and honestly. U know how proud I am of you and how i feel about you. If its worth working on issues together than do it. if not then so be it.I dont view you as not being goood enough. I just love who u are". He never responds to textes so I didn't expect one back. That's not what I was sending it to. I just wanted to respond to his msg on my cell. I sent him this last text to get it all out: "Think about my situation. I'm 38 and dont have anything but an apartment. people my age have most everything by now! I want to get those things someday and i wanted 2 do it with someone I loved....u. I dont want to unknowingly make u feel even worse about your situation by being with me. I cant compare myself 2 others because I'm on my own timeline. Not societys. I wont text again. love you". That is exactly what was said on both ends. I'm not trying to make my side of the story sweeter than his or any of that. I'm telling you guys all the details so maybe you can help me a little bit more. Does it sound like I was being pushy or anything? I dont think so. I haven't been the one calling him. He's been calling me. He knows I'm going away this weekend with the girls...I dont know what to do. Does it sounds like there's a glimmer of hope? PLEASE HELP!!!!
Author temptris33 Posted March 2, 2007 Author Posted March 2, 2007 About 5:00 yesterday I get a call from him. Hes about 45 min away with his mom and he said they were having a nice lunch and he just had a great conversation with his mom about how she met his dad and their life together and how it started....he said he felt really good and really confident....he said I love you so much. He asked if we could see each other later. I said that I had plans but maybe afterwards...but then agreed that might be better to wait til the next night (that would be tonight -Friday). We hung up. I got ready and went out with my friend. He calls. He said he went to a movie and now he really missed me and wanted to come down tonight and what time should he meet me there...I was getting ready to leave anyways..so we met at my apt. He snuggled me like he hasn't done in a while and YES we had sex. It was good. Then we held on to eachother all night. Never once did I bring anything up. We had sex again this morning. Mid-action (u know what I mean) he says (in regards to me leaving with my friend this weekend) "what's gonna happen when you meet a guy down there and you are sharing a room with your friend"???? WTF??? Mid action! I was mad. I didn't show it at first...we finished and he said "dont be mad". I didn't want to be all pissy and stuff. I did get a little defensive. He kind of gave me mis leading thoughts. ANyways, before he was leaving he said " I just want to be able to work even if it means late at night because that's when I feel that I get the most stuff done is into the evening hours". AND " I always came down here (my apt) because I was worried about you being mad at me if I wanted to stay up there and work". AND " I want to be able to work an entire weekend with out feeling like I had a time limit..." He also said "he sees the apt I live in and feels that I deserve more" and "he wants to give me more and feels that he has to work hard to do it"/////ummm that doesn't make sense. YOU work hard together dont you? You have a place to live together (if that's the case) you both work and at the end of the day you go home to each other....so what am I missing here? This was just another reason that I heard from him that I hadn't heard before. he also said he was going to call me this saturday while I was in Santa Cruz...HA HA I'm at such an angry stage right now. I wont answer. What the hell does all this mean? I've posted my story and yet to get more than one reply!! HELP ME ...I was wrong for having sex with him too wasn't I? SHould I just not ever see him and if he calls only answer it occasionaly??
princessa Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 Whoaaaaaaa okay there I think you're overreacting a little bit. Take it ONE issue at a time. This guys obviously wants to be with you, AND wants to work for it. Why are you pissed exactly I don't understand? He just wants to give himself a sense of taking care of you, that's why he feels he needs to work his butt off. What's wrong with that? Also, if you want more replies, maybe you could start a new thread with a short summary of your situation.. Long posts tend to not get read as much... I've read the whole thing but you need to get lots of different perspectives on this.
Recommended Posts