New member - my story.

[ArashiYama]

So this concerns my other half, K., and her daughter (not mine), L.

 

She left here on the 2nd January, and moved into the house of M, her new landlady. We spent christmas apart - I went up to my family, she actually spent christmis with M., her new landlady and her husband D. Apparently M. told her she could "move in any time", and so she did so, on the 2nd of January.

 

It then turns out that D. offered to pay her rent, if she would have an affair with him, I found this out because she came round later in January, and I am ashamed to admit that I begged her to come back, and she laughed in my face, and later sent me this email...

Sorry that I didn't contact you yesterday evening.

 

I met this man on the weekend before christmas L and I spent christmas with his family in Watford ( actually more his partner's family).

When told him I couldn't pay the deposit he gave it to me, plus the first month of rent in secret to give to M (m tends to put irresponsible people in her house, so he really wanted us in there, he was also very worried about L, us having to live in a flats hare, with who knows what other folk...)

 

But M wasn't to know, of course. And gradually ... So and last week he invited me to Paris...

 

I intended to have an affair, but it is turning to more. I may decide to be his mistress.... I just wanted a good shag, but he is doing this step by step... Travels a lot for his work... Mind you we haven't even kissed yet, I guess that will happen in Paris.

 

L doesn't know of course, but she loves him to bits, they come over to do chores on the house ( fencing, pond....)

 

And yes, I do love still. But I need to play around, or I can't really carry on with my life. I suggest you do the same...

 

The Eurostar tickets actually came to the house, I made sure she got them. Anyway, this weekend just gone, I came home from a day out in London to find that she had been in the house, had taken stuff (I am still working out what's gone, what has been broken - she turned off the fridge, turned the heating up, and took some post, such as the PIN number for my new cashcard.. oh yes, money has gone from my bank account too). Yes I thought she had left her keys.

 

When she came back from Paris on Wednesday night, I contacted her by IM, and got vitriolic, nasty, hateful abuse. Unbelievablly so. It ended badly, and I have assumed she doesnt want to speak to me again. I have also changed the damn locks.

 

So, wikipedia defines grief at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grief. I think I am through the Shock and numbness stage, and I have gone passed the "Yearning and Searching" stage, I fervently hope!

 

I have got work coming in, I have my flat spotless, and I am going to the gym twice a week, hopefully that counts towards getting through the Disorganisation and Despair bit!

 

B., my son, has told me how he is a lot happier without her and her daughter, and it turns out they were treating him pretty badly. I am also ashamed that I didn't see that too.

 

Things I feel about myself:

• Damn, I am stupid
  
• No one else saw this coming
  
• B is happier without K and her frankly awful daughter
  
• As my landlady said, "There's a word for someone who has an affair to pay their rent"
  
• I need to give myself time
  
• Damn, I'm stupid

[shockandawed]

Hey Arashi,

 

First of all, welcome. You have found a great group of people who have experienced many of the things you have and will. I got crapped on as well and this place has truly been a god send.

 

Sounds like you have a level head and good grip on your situation. I wouldn't beat yourself up too hard about being stupid. Everything is so much clearer after you are away from the relationship. Many times after telling or posting something about my ex or our relationship, I just want to kick myself for being so stupid as well. The heart doesn't have the best set of goggles on.

 

I know you are probably really bothered by the seemingly unjustified hostility she is showing you. I experienced the same thing, not as bad as what she is doing, but it seems to be part of it. She is the one who left your relationship, you even tried to get her to come back and now she treats you like crap? Doesn't make sense. I think in their twisted heads, the somehow see themselves as the victim.

 

The next stage I saw a few weeks later was regret and remorse. She admitted the grass wasn't greener and stuff, but would never come completely out and agree to address any issues for reconcilliation. After a few rides on that rollercoaster, I completely cut off contact.

 

Obviously, you need to secure your possessions and flat. I would maintain strict no contact with her. Everytime you think of her or wishing her back, remember the horrible things she said and did, but more importantly, realize that your own son is happier with them out.

 

Post and vent on here all you need to, you will find alot of ears.

 

Good Luck!!