forbidden fruit Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 My mm and I are supposedly friends now and I was going along with just for the sake of the kids and starting to heal. However, it was my daughter's birthday and he did not even come over to wish her a happy birthday. They are very close and she was truly upset. So I called him and simply said can you just wish her a happy b-day he said he was at work and just simply lost track of time he would be right over. Of course he did not. I even left so he would not have to see me. Now I am furious because i lived up to my end of the bargain and have been nice to his kids and trying to keep everything status quo. I want to send him the most gut wrenching e-mail. This is the straw that broke the camels back and I am so tired of him always in control and dictating how things are going to go. So should I send the final blow or let it go and not have anything to do with their entire family?
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 I am so tired of him always in control and dictating how things are going to go. He can only treat you (and your kids) as poorly as you let him. If you don't want to be treated this way, it is as simple as walking away.
Meaplus3 Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 My mm and I are supposedly friends now and I was going along with just for the sake of the kids and starting to heal. However, it was my daughter's birthday and he did not even come over to wish her a happy birthday. They are very close and she was truly upset. So I called him and simply said can you just wish her a happy b-day he said he was at work and just simply lost track of time he would be right over. Of course he did not. I even left so he would not have to see me. Now I am furious because i lived up to my end of the bargain and have been nice to his kids and trying to keep everything status quo. I want to send him the most gut wrenching e-mail. This is the straw that broke the camels back and I am so tired of him always in control and dictating how things are going to go. So should I send the final blow or let it go and not have anything to do with their entire family? Forbidden, Do you truely think that the two of you remaining friend's is going to work? If you and him were just friend's and both "Ok" with that than why would you have to leave if he came over to wish your DD "Happy Birthday"? AP
Jinxx Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 I want to send him the most gut wrenching e-mail. This is the straw that broke the camels back and I am so tired of him always in control and dictating how things are going to go. Write it out but don't send it. Thats what I did. I'm going through something similar with XMM. We are still "friends". But every time I have to see him, it is all I can take to not let him have it. Hard but for whatever reason the man has serious issues, his problem not mine. Do your best to try and move forward. They're friggin idiots who have no clue the damage they have caused.
Author forbidden fruit Posted February 27, 2007 Author Posted February 27, 2007 I want to tell his W everything, because I cannot believe he is kissing her ass. The person he should be scared of is me and wanting to do right by me. He keeps doing things that he knows will piss me off. Does he just want a reaction out of me. How do I walk away knowing he is getting off so easily?
whichwayisup Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 I'm gonna say the same thing I wrote to AP. Now that the affair is more or less over, NOW you feel the need to tell his wife? Yes, you're hurt, angry and frustrated.....That doesn't give you the right to mess in his life, ruin his marriage because you feel his wife deserves to know. You MUST think of the full picture here. Your husband, your own children, their children...The damage and fallout that will happen. Is burning him worth hurting SO MANY innocent people? Come on FF. Take control and stop putting yourself IN his life. You do not have to talk to him much, quick hello, goodbye etc...You don't have to have conversations with him, keep intouch with him and BE a part of his life. Ignore him when he pushes your buttons, walk away.
Jinxx Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 I want to tell his W everything, because I cannot believe he is kissing her ass. The person he should be scared of is me and wanting to do right by me. He keeps doing things that he knows will piss me off. Does he just want a reaction out of me. How do I walk away knowing he is getting off so easily? Don't do it. You have nothing to gain by telling the wife. Take control of your life and put it behind you. Yes, I know how painful it is. I'm living that life right now. Trust me, he is not get off as easy as you so think. There are probably tons issues within his life that you have no idea about.
Meaplus3 Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 I'm gonna say the same thing I wrote to AP. Now that the affair is more or less over, NOW you feel the need to tell his wife? Yes, you're hurt, angry and frustrated.....That doesn't give you the right to mess in his life, ruin his marriage because you feel his wife deserves to know. You MUST think of the full picture here. Your husband, your own children, their children...The damage and fallout that will happen. Is burning him worth hurting SO MANY innocent people? Come on FF. Take control and stop putting yourself IN his life. You do not have to talk to him much, quick hello, goodbye etc...You don't have to have conversations with him, keep intouch with him and BE a part of his life. Ignore him when he pushes your buttons, walk away. Forbidden, Read what whichway wrote over and over, it helps! I am angry just like you. But the big picture is most important and telling the W will make it worse for everyone involved. I realized that I want my kid's and MM's kid's to be able to play, they are good friend's. If I told her, that would stop. What would my kid's think? How would I explain that to them. Thing's one does not think about when filled with anger and regret. What ever you do it's your choice. ((((Hugs)))). AP
whichwayisup Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 What ever you do it's your choice Yes, it is her choice. And if she tells his wife, she better damn well own up to HER part in the affair and suffer the consquences and fallout of the affair being exposed to EVERYBODY. Neighbours, friends, possibly people at work, friends of the kids, their families. FF are YOU prepared for all the backstabbing and gossiping that will happen? Please really take the time to think, calm down and weigh the benefits of good/bad. And, you are your own person, a strong one so anytime you don't wanna get sucked into the MM games, you can say NO and ignore him. I think you're still very much inlove with him, allowing a friendship to continue is just unhealthy and asking for trouble in the first place. Listen to AP, she's in the exact same situation as you! She wants to tell the MM's wife as well but knows if she does HER own family will suffer just as much. Also, could you imagine looking your own children in the eyes, and answering questions by them about why you cheated on daddy with their friends father?
Meaplus3 Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 Yes, it is her choice. And if she tells his wife, she better damn well own up to HER part in the affair and suffer the consquences and fallout of the affair being exposed to EVERYBODY. Neighbours, friends, possibly people at work, friends of the kids, their families. FF are YOU prepared for all the backstabbing and gossiping that will happen? Please really take the time to think, calm down and weigh the benefits of good/bad. And, you are your own person, a strong one so anytime you don't wanna get sucked into the MM games, you can say NO and ignore him. I think you're still very much inlove with him, allowing a friendship to continue is just unhealthy and asking for trouble in the first place. Listen to AP, she's in the exact same situation as you! She wants to tell the MM's wife as well but knows if she does HER own family will suffer just as much. Also, could you imagine looking your own children in the eyes, and answering questions by them about why you cheated on daddy with their friends father? Yes, it is her choice. And if she tells his wife, she better damn well own up to HER part in the affair and suffer the consquences and fallout of the affair being exposed to EVERYBODY. That's right! If FF tell she needs to FESS up! Gosh I did and even sometime's when I thought it was the worst thing to do it was not! It was the best thing I did, and what I realized it that I trusted and loved my H so very much that I was able to confide this to him. By telling him it kept me away from MM and that was how the ball got rolling in the right direction in the first place. While I think I will always have my day's filled with thought's of telling his W, by coming here, reading, posting and going to MC which (we are now doing) it all helps. I am a tough one to let go, but eventually I will and it will be for GOOD! FF, I can relate honey, hang in there. AP
YoMomma Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 So should I send the final blow or let it go and not have anything to do with their entire family? The only one who is going to feel the final blow is YOU and your family. You already know the right thing to do is have NOTHING to do with his family - keep your distance you do not belong in it. And why the heck would you want him to come over and wish your daugher a Happy Birthday? Just weird... Move on and make your own life without him in it - for you and for your family!
puddleofmud Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 Should you truly wish for nothing than a "friendship" than all aspects of "friendship" must be taken into account (sans any and all past "history"). Friendship is not demanding, nor one of particular expectations, but more of an easy going relationship. One does not "require" a friend to act in the exact way they wish.... One lets a friend just be themself and accepts them for who and what they are and expects nothing else--friendship is unconditional for the most part. Should ex-MM have been a female friend or any other "friend" who couldn't drop by; would you feel so disturbed about it? And to be honest children do not have "adult" friends--appropriate friends for children are those of their own age. Could you perhaps be feeling more about the way you are being treated as opposed to the expectations YOU held for him to visit your child? I doubt your child's happiness regarding their birthday party depended soley on HIS presence--so it that really such a big deal? Something to make such a big issue about? Did it ruin the entire occasion for your child? Seems just maybe you still care a bit much about what he thinks, as in why leave your own child's party for his sake???? Or did it, perhaps, just ruin the day for you? Could that be why you are feeling disappointed? Secondly, you are being "nice" to his children because they are CHILDREN, period--because that is what adults "do" which has nothing to do with him or anyone else...this is YOU being the better person. Being the better person and an adult why involve children in adult emotionally charged situations?.... My mm and I are supposedly friends now and I was going along with just for the sake of the kids and starting to heal. However, it was my daughter's birthday and he did not even come over to wish her a happy birthday. They are very close and she was truly upset. So I called him and simply said can you just wish her a happy b-day he said he was at work and just simply lost track of time he would be right over. Of course he did not. I even left so he would not have to see me. Now I am furious because i lived up to my end of the bargain and have been nice to his kids and trying to keep everything status quo. I want to send him the most gut wrenching e-mail. This is the straw that broke the camels back and I am so tired of him always in control and dictating how things are going to go. So should I send the final blow or let it go and not have anything to do with their entire family?
movinon05 Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 I just want to know if all of this is over him not saying happy birthday to your daughter or are you using it as an excuse. How old is your daughter? Did she bring it up? Did she say "Why didn't MM come over and wish me a happy birthday?" And if so, all you had to do was to make an excuse like he was working or something. And leave it to him to deal with when she sees him. I would think that you would not want to encourage their "closeness" any further, but rather let it diminish as time goes on. Puddle said it best. And this is NOT a friendship. It is merely a facade. To call it anything else would be ridiculous.
whichwayisup Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 I wasn't going to bring up the daughter thing, but now I will. However, it was my daughter's birthday and he did not even come over to wish her a happy birthday. They are very close and she was truly upset. So I called him and simply said can you just wish her a happy b-day he said he was at work and just simply lost track of time he would be right over. Of course he did not. I even left so he would not have to see me. FF, re-read this afew times. Imagine if his wife called YOUR husband, gave him crap. Reverse the situation. See how ODD that is? Funny enough, you made it about YOU, not your daughter. He could have had an awful day at work, or sick... Someone else said it, did it really ruin her bday that the neighbourhood kids father did not say Happy Bday to her? If so, that's just weird...It was up to you to maybe tell her, he's busy at work and not let it upset her so much.
Meaplus3 Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 The only one who is going to feel the final blow is YOU and your family. You already know the right thing to do is have NOTHING to do with his family - keep your distance you do not belong in it. And why the heck would you want him to come over and wish your daugher a Happy Birthday? Just weird... Move on and make your own life without him in it - for you and for your family! And why the heck would you want him to come over and wish your daugher a Happy Birthday Exactly! It's because she still has feeling's for him more than friendship.! I know I can relate. Affairs in general are not easy to get over but mix it in with your neighbor's expect to double the trouble! AP
Author forbidden fruit Posted February 28, 2007 Author Posted February 28, 2007 Okay so now i am totally confused, some of you say I am making a mountain out of a mole hill, others are saying if he was really a friend would you care that much and some are saying to still remain friendly with his kids. Here is the truth : Obviously i am still in love with him Since we are neighbors Nc is next to impossible and I know wwiup will say ignore-very impossible. My kids over the last year have been like his kids-we did things everyday together with this man that is why it was such a big deal-puddle it was not a birthday party. I was just wondering why he did not at least say hey happy bithday. Okay you guys are freaking me out because my daughter is only 2 and she loves him because he loves her not inappropiately-how gross and disturbing someone would bring that up!! I expect alot from him because I have let him in my families life-of course he let me down!! What is the advice to ignore his entire family or let one of them in only to get more hurt everytime I have to see him. How do I let my kids be friends with his kids if that entails having any contact with him? How will I ever get over him ? I can't believe how many of you ae actually defending him I am so hurt!!!!!!!!!
movinon05 Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 No one is defending him! Where do you get that? We are trying to figure out why you made such a big deal about this "if you are just supposed to be friends." Your daughter is 2? You can't tell me that all on her own she was upset and wondering why MM did not say happy birthday to her! And at 2 yrs old, you could easily have told her anything about why he was not around. So, yes, you are making a mountain out of a molehill, IMHO. Why didn't you just let it ride? You didn't let it ride because you are still in love with him (admittedly) and you can't handle the "friends" thing. I'm not trying to be mean here, I'm trying to be "real". You need to get "real" about what you call your relationship with him. You also need to expect nothing from him. But you're not ready to do that yet! I did not see anyone say the relationship between MM and your daughter is inappropriate or make it out to be anything other than it is. But if you're referring to my post, you took it completely wrong. I'm saying children forget - with time. My 2 yr old granddaughter loved my BF. She asked about him all the time. Now that we're broken up, which she doesn't know, she still asks about him, but I make the answers short and simple. She's 2. She will forget, her memory will fade. That is my point, albeit you live too close for that to happen anytime soon.
Impudent Oyster Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 My kids over the last year have been like his kids-we did things everyday together with this man that is why it was such a big deal-puddle it was not a birthday party. I was just wondering why he did not at least say hey happy bithday. Forbidden, we (my husband and I) have many friends with children who we care about, but we would never go out of our way to call up those children on their birthdays to wish them a happy birthday! It's one thing if he was at her party and didn't say anything, but come on, what you're expecting from him is highly unusual behavior. The only children we call on their birthdays are our godchildren, even nieces and nephews we don't typically call to wish a happy birthday to. Your expectations from a friend are way, WAY OUT OF LINE. Also, please don't use your daughter as a pawn in this game you're playing, because whether or not you want to admit it, you ARE playing a game with him and trying to guilt him into giving you and your child abnormal attention. Cut it out.
YoMomma Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 Okay so now i am totally confused, some of you say I am making a mountain out of a mole hill, others are saying if he was really a friend would you care that much and some are saying to still remain friendly with his kids. Here is the truth : Obviously i am still in love with him Since we are neighbors Nc is next to impossible and I know wwiup will say ignore-very impossible. My kids over the last year have been like his kids-we did things everyday together with this man that is why it was such a big deal-puddle it was not a birthday party. I was just wondering why he did not at least say hey happy bithday. Okay you guys are freaking me out because my daughter is only 2 and she loves him because he loves her not inappropiately-how gross and disturbing someone would bring that up!! I expect alot from him because I have let him in my families life-of course he let me down!! What is the advice to ignore his entire family or let one of them in only to get more hurt everytime I have to see him. How do I let my kids be friends with his kids if that entails having any contact with him? How will I ever get over him ? I can't believe how many of you ae actually defending him I am so hurt!!!!!!!!! What I think most here are saying is that you need to move on - in more ways that one! You child is 2.... give me a break what child of 2 is going to care if Mommy's BF came over? You are using her as a scapegoat - leave your kids & his kids out of YOUR affair, it's not right to them. You ask if you will ever get over him - that is totally up to YOU. As far as your thoughts that people are defending him - lets see you know he is married, you know he has a family - there is nothing to defend. He hasn't lied to you about his life - it's right in front of you. He does not owe you or your kids anything - you are his OW - there is no band joining you and thus - no commitment to ANYTHING. Sorry if I sound harsh but its the truth! You are letting yourself down by expecting anything from this man. Its obvious this man is not ever going to give you what YOU want. You say NC is impossible - nothing is impossible! It's all about the choices you make in life. :bunny:
whichwayisup Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 Since we are neighbors Nc is next to impossible and I know wwiup will say ignore-very impossible. I know NC is impossible because you two are neighbours, my point was, you don't have to 'hang out' with him and 'talk' anymore. Let the kids play together, but the adults don't all have to hangout while the kids are together. You two do not need to have 'personal' conversations. That is what I meant...And, it seems that his actions, not coming over as soon as you called him because it was your daughters bday, pissed you off, not your daughter. Sure, she may have wondered why he didn't call, but a simple, "he told me to tell you happy bday from him because he's stuck at work, or he's busy right now" would have covered the bases. FF, you have to choose what you want. Do you want to get over your feelings for him? If not, then your life is going to be one long confusing emotional rollercoaster. IF yes, then MAKE yourself stop thinking about him. Make new friends, take your kids OUT more, set up play dates for the kids with their other friends, that way you're not at home, waiting for MM neighbour so much. You and this family are too close for comfort now. If the affair hadn't happened, it wouldn't matter at all, but fact is, you and the MM put yourselves, your children and your spouses in this mess to begin with. Now the consquences of the affair are coming out. And him spending less time or not coming over to the bday party because you wanted him to, is something you have to deal with. Lower your expectation! Actually you should have NO expectations when it comes to him, especially when it involves your kids.
YoMomma Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 And, it seems that his actions, not coming over as soon as you called him because it was your daughters bday, pissed you off, not your daughter. Sure, she may have wondered why he didn't call, but a simple, "he told me to tell you happy bday from him because he's stuck at work, or he's busy right now" would have covered the bases The birthdyay girl in question is only 2 years old, I doubt very much weather she gave a thought to her mothers MM missed her BD! :bunny:
Meaplus3 Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 Forbidden, I realize it is impossible for you to have complete nc with mm forever because he's your neighbor, how ever you can limit it to very minimal contact. I don't see MM at all any more. It is winter here so pretty much everyone is inside. Spring will be another story, however I can avoid him very easily and have every intention of doing so. When his kid's come to play they are old enough to call and come over themselves wich means I dont' have to speak to mm. You have to want NC in order for it to work.
frannie Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 Hmm I'm just wondering whether in cases where you can't help but see and even speak to the ex, that 'NC' needs to be definied and worked on in a different way. Because it does affect quite a few ex affair partners on this board. Obviously you can't have what everyone else calls 'NC', but it is possible to work on no private meetings or discussions, no secrets, no alluding to the past, no expectations, no eye contact perhaps, whatever is workable. I would be setting myself some guidelines, and seeing how far I can extend them.
Meaplus3 Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 "but it is possible to work on no private meetings or discussions, no secrets, no alluding to the past, no expectations." Frannie, What you said sums it up very well. I think the only thing worse than having the exmm live close by, would be if you worked with a mm, had an affair and then it ended! I personally would have to quit my job, would not be strong enough to handle that! Just beign in a work enviroment means beign around that person and for me that would not be mangeable. At least if they are a neighbor, you are not forced to talk with them or spend time with them. You have a choice. But I think in a work place when you must have some daily interaction with the person it must be complete torture, IMO. AP:)
Jinxx Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 Hmm I'm just wondering whether in cases where you can't help but see and even speak to the ex, that 'NC' needs to be definied and worked on in a different way. Because it does affect quite a few ex affair partners on this board. XMM and I work part time at the same place. Most of the time we are on different shifts, Thank God for that. I might see him once every couple of weeks now. Nothing has really ended, nothing has been talked about -- he has avoided this conversation, pretty much ingoring me and now I try to avoid him. Extremely difficult when we do by chance have the same shift or he makes an appearance when he is not scheduled to work. It is horrible, I hate it and I seriously contemplated quitting my part time job but nope, not going to do it. Sad thing is I miss our phone conversations, emails etc. We had a strong friendship but now, nothing. He doesn't care, doesn't understand my feelings. But why should he? He has he own life and own family. As for me, just gotta suck it up and work through it.
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