tmartin12 Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 Hello all! Well to fill you in a little bit, my name is Tiffany and I'm an army girlfriend. My soldier really wants to get married and so do I, but there are a few problems. We are both 18, which brings up big controversy in our families. My parents are mostly the ones who do not want this to happen. My mom wants my job to be college only: she is wondering why I would get married and have to pay for everything on my own when right now, she's paying for most of it because I'm in school. She even made an expenses list to show me how she thinks we will struggle. She thinks that I will be spending a lot of money - which I will, but I think that the bah would cover most of it. I appreciate that she wants the best for me, but I feel like this is something I need to do, especially with my soldier being deployed in early 2008. He wants to make sure that I am financially secure. Which brings up my biggest dillema: get married and live with him in Kansas, get married and stay in California while going to school (having to pay for everything on my own), or don't get married and stay in California while going to school (with my mom still supporting me). I'm trying to think of a plan, but it's so hard! If you have any comments or suggestions, please let me know! Thanks!
quankanne Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 personally speaking, I say get your schooling out of the way – get that degree and don't be distracted by anything. If you two are meant to be together, you'll weather the separation intact; the love isn't going to go away just because you delay marriage. if anything, those five years working toward your degree and him pulling his military stint will help y'all mature in ways you need to mature before approaching marriage – believe me, at 18, you are nowhere near the person you'll be at 23. I imagine that you are saying to yourself, "but five years is a long time to wait." Yes, it is. But it's not as if you're going to be twiddling your thumbs waiting for time to pass – every bit of blood, sweat and tears you put into earning that degree and your guy getting his military experience is building equity in your future together. It's much harder to accomplish your goals when you've got real-life responsibilities hanging over your head (babies, trying to find a fulltime job to support your family while following your husband around the country with his military assignments) … like I said, every bit of sacrifice now will make the rewards of college degree and marriage that much sweeter because of what you will have accomplished. Real love takes into consideration all things, it doesn't rush into places unprepared just because you're not willing to let it be tested with something like school ... just some thoughts from a chick who did the degree thing first, then the Mrs. later
ShoeGirl Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 You said your boyfriend wants to make sure that you are financially secure, but it sounds like you would be financially secure if you aren't married because your mom would be helping you through college. What is your rush to get married? If you get married and move to Kansas in a year, or so, your husband will be gone and you will be in Kansas by yourself, or with other military wives. If it helps any one of my best friends was in your situation 3 years ago... she chose to get married and move across the country, they had a tough time the first two years getting their finances stable. She had to drop out of school and work full time just so that they could afford their rent. He was gone constantly on training missions then was deployed to Iraq for over a year, leaving her there alone with few friends. While he was in Iraq she moved back to where we are from and lived with a few friends to save up money until he returned. She finally got the chance to go back to school a few months ago and could only go part time so she could still work full time to bring in money. Take your mom's list of finances into consideration. Think about the fact that you are (most likely) both living rent free right now (if he is on base and you are living with your parents) that you will have to find an apartment or house to rent. Have you talked to your bf about the bills you two would have? Why not wait until your bf comes back from his deployment or even until you are done with school to get married? How long have you two been together?
Author tmartin12 Posted February 27, 2007 Author Posted February 27, 2007 thanks for the replies! We've been together for 2 1/2 years, but we've been best friends since 7th grade - I guess that's one of the reasons why we feel like we're ready.
Curmudgeon Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 ...or don't get married and stay in California while going to school (with my mom still supporting me). As someone who's been married twice and who was also a career soldier who went into combat, this is the option I'd recommend. You're 18 and have your whole life ahead of you. Get your education, start a career so you always have that experience to fall back on and then you can think about marriage realistically. What's the rush? If it's a sound relationship it will stand the test of time. My wife would agree. She married "her soldier" (another one, not me) before he deployed and it lasted six months after he returned to CONUS. Not a good idea in my opinion.
quankanne Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 my mom married at 20 to an airman, and even though she was from a different generation that made things work because that's what you were supposed to do, it was very, very hard on her. Daddy was career military, and they had six kids. Only one was born in their hometown, all the rest of us were West Coast babies, born far away from family. She did have all the other AF wives as a support system, but it still was hard. About the only good thing was that she didn't have to take a part-time job to help raise her kids (as far as I know), she was a stay-at-home mom. But like I said, she was from a different generation ... we've been best friends since 7th grade - I guess that's one of the reasons why we feel like we're ready. sounds like you guys are solid in your friendship that you would do way better than the average couple in putting off marriage while you get school and military duty under your belts. Give yourselves the opportunity to grow independently and pursue your goals before tying the knot.
Author tmartin12 Posted February 27, 2007 Author Posted February 27, 2007 I forgot to mention that we would be using the extra bah money to go towards making payments on a house that his parents own, so the sooner we start paying, the sooner we can move in after he's out of the service.
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