Do familial issues impact what person you seek in love relationships?

[suckmykiss]

Many of my latest relationships have been hot/cold. Passionate on some levels, but lots of walking out and ignoring on the other levels. I haven't been the one walking out--I'm the one who puts up with it. I'm very forgiving, and try to be objective..but truth is...i'm being a doormat. what I see as good traits in myself are probably viewed by my SO as someone who doesn't care if I am disrespected--who's love for another supercedes love for myself.

 

(OK-latter sentence is more than likely beyond their realm of introspection)

 

Today I found the correlation between the two (family/romantic relationships).

 

My family goes through bouts of argue, not speaking for weeks or months, to speaking, but ultimate disregard to what instigated the 'not speaking' in the first place. I'm not like that. I always want to find a way to work things out.

 

I seem to seek and date those with the same qualities as my family. I find myself now wanting a casual relationship if only to sidestep someone ignoring any problems. I'm not wanting the real relationship because I'm not trusting my instincts anymore.

 

Has anyone else seen a pattern like this in their family--->love relationships?

 

How do you work through this? I'm tired of this cycle!

[longlegzs80]

I can't really answer your question about how family effects relationship, but one thing that you should consider is to take a stand and not be walked on by people you date. I find with myself, I can only be so forgiving, take so much tolerance towards stuff and then after I slap some sense into me, I end up saying how I really feel. I guess when it comes to dating, I am like my mom. She married twice and both of the men she married were physically and mentally abusive. I have seen that I attract the same kind of men. Disrespectful etc. But, just like me, you as a human being can only take so much, and if you take it for a very long time, mental abuse etc., then you are losing your sense of self I believe.

 

Say how you feel, and if people don't like it like your mates, then so be it,

[suckmykiss]

Thank you, LL's:)

 

Given the way my family deals with issues, I give leway to those I date.....'you're f*cked up, but ultimately I know you love me'. I keep hoping for change that never comes.

 

This attitude I've grown up with and cannot change, I'm afraid, is manifesting itself into the relationships I choose.

 

I know this sounds regressive, but my epiphany was that I seem to pick relationships that need the same kind of work then that of my family. I've accepted my family, although it hurts sometimes, but have become accustomed to their behavior. But getting this feeling I'm still trying to fix?!?

 

Can I ask you.........how have you been able to change the cycle? Setting up early boundries or changing your choices all together?

 

My best friends are very cool, very accepting and always looking out for me. Relationships? Opposite.

[ruby_gloom]

Many of my latest relationships have been hot/cold. Passionate on some levels, but lots of walking out and ignoring on the other levels. I haven't been the one walking out--I'm the one who puts up with it. I'm very forgiving, and try to be objective..but truth is...i'm being a doormat. what I see as good traits in myself are probably viewed by my SO as someone who doesn't care if I am disrespected--who's love for another supercedes love for myself.

 

(OK-latter sentence is more than likely beyond their realm of introspection)

 

Today I found the correlation between the two (family/romantic relationships).

 

My family goes through bouts of argue, not speaking for weeks or months, to speaking, but ultimate disregard to what instigated the 'not speaking' in the first place. I'm not like that. I always want to find a way to work things out.

 

This sounds just like me. Exactly like me.

 

My family is very thick-skinned. Every single one of them. They are all very dominant in and about everything, and needless to say, it takes much to get under their skin. In fact, I don't think I've ever seen any of them (very) emotionally hurt.

 

They mask everything and refuse to back down or apologize, opting instead to not speak for days on end until things boil over.

 

Hence my belief that I am adopted.

 

I am a very emotional person. I always want to resolve the problem then and there simply because leaving it lingering bothers me extensively; it makes me eager and anxious, and I just can't handle it.

 

In relationships, I am extremely tolerant. In fact, I'm tolerant to the point where I think you could just call me a doormat. The truth is that I hate conflict, and since I often know not how to best deal with it, I opt for "letting it slide," even if it is something that hurts me emotionally. In this sense, I suppose I prefer to sacrifice my own personal emotional well-being over the well-being of the relationship.

 

That's what I tend to tell myself, though, since I know that, ultimately, this isn't right in any way. I know this isn't the way I should be--I should consider someone else's feelings to the point where I disregard my own, but I honestly don't know how to go about remedying it.

 

Anyway, having said that, I'd like to make a connection to my family:

 

Since I grew up in a household where emotion and affection where almost nonexistant, I began to look for it elsewhere. I simply was not able to embrace this way of being, because, innately, I am simply am not hard of heart: I wanted to feel loved, appreciated, and cared for, just as much as I wanted to project those feelings onto others.

 

I also saw all the distance the lack of communication caused for my family. It seemed to me that after every fight/argument that went on without being talked about, their emotional bond grew even wider, and I did not want that. I wanted to be able to fix things, if possible, on the spot because I associated not talking about the problem with the falling apart of relationships, and I, of course, wanted to avoid that.

 

In short: I projected the very opposite feelings and emotions I saw amongst my family.

 

I wanted to be loving. I wanted to communicate. I wanted to fix things. But unfortunately, I didn't know how to do this in a healthy manner, so I resorted to agreeing, even if with a heavy heart, with all of the actions of my exbf, in my attempt to avoid conflict. Even though I did try to talk to try to work it out, it was seldomly successful, so in the end, I would just decided to not my head in agreement.

 

Now I realize that I must not do this any longer, but unfortunately, just "knowing" it will be pretty meaningless unless I am able to find a way to correct this ill way of thinking and behaving.

 

So, in short: yes, I do think it has something to do with it. At least if only sociologically.

[Woggle]

I learned to do the exact opposite of everything my family did. I don't feel like getting into it because everybody knows my story but my family is the stuff that nightmares are made of and I am trying to break the cycle.

[Trialbyfire]

You're raised to an environment, of course it will impact on the rest of your life.....if you let it. I grew up in a dominant environment where if you wanted to get your moment in the sun during any conversation, you had to jump in and take it. No one gave you an opening, lol. We're mostly vocal people (not loud though) with plenty of opinions but we also have a very open discussion style and are supportive of each other. You don't want to know what happens when we're discussing politics since we all have differing opinions.

 

With this environment in mind, it's who I've become. If you can't beat 'em.. join 'em mentality I guess.

 

There are some negatives associated to my family too, since no one is perfect. Of these negatives, I consciously work on trying to not allow them to affect any decisions that I make. It's not denial but a form of stepping back and attempting to address the situation as a dispassionate third party. Weird, you say? Try it, it's a weird feeling but some of my best decisions have been made this way. If you allow emotion to colour your decisions, many times these emotions will guide you ineffectively.

 

As they say, the first step in solving a problem is admitting there's a problem.

[Guest]

I think family affects relationships even if we don't know it. How many end up in an abusivess relationship because that's what they grew up with and all they know? How many avoid conflicts because mom and dad never talked? How many were sexually abused by a family member and either become premisicious or the exact opposite?

 

Great question and a great topic and thread.