So guilty, so neurotic, so

[TheAngelicArtist]

A married man at work hit on me. I am so stupid that at the time it happened I did not know what was going on. Later I asked many people who all said he was hitting on me.

 

Since then he has not hit on me outright but some things have happened which have made me wonder if he is feeling me out to try again. But the thing is, the more I am around him the more I like him. And the more I like him the more GUILTY I feel for liking him.

 

It is turning me into a mess. Yes, I am attracted to him and like him more than I have ever liked most men, but I am so afraid that he can sense this! I am afraid that if he can sense this he will think I am this horrible person for liking a married man, and that he will think terribly of me. I feel guilty around him all the time and when I am away from him because of the fact I keep thinking of him and not always in the most modest of ways!

 

The worst thing that happened though was one day at work we had this function where there was alcohol involved. I had a few too many drinks and was buzzing. Now, I am about as inexperienced sexually as can be in many ways. I have slept with one man in my life and do not go around trying to seduce men. But I know that I tend to sometimes get into this mood where men tell me I look sexually powerful, like a real femme fatale. So that day I was drinking and stopped caring what anyone thought and just let the look come over me. I knew I was doing it but did not care. I gave the look to him! (And to other men too, but I feel guilty giving it to him because I actually like him, not the other men.) I even walked by him with that sexually dangerous "walk by" vibe that I know how to do. Oh, the next day I felt SO GUILTY for doing that because he is MARRIED!!!! And so the next day at work, when I got there, he comes right into my office to say hi (which he never does when I get there) but I was so frustrated with myself that I sent him the vibe I was mad at him!

 

I think he must think I am some horrible woman. I feel so guilty for liking him that every little thing has me nervous. And I hate what it is doing at work. I have to work with this man and I would like to be able to relate to him normally, like my other coworkers. But I get around him and start feeling so drawn to him that I get nervous he can sense it so I get all nervous and sometimes I send the message I am annoyed with him because inside I am feeling so darn annoyed with myself for not being able to control my feelings for a married man. I know this sends him some hurtful signals as a coworker because once he mentioned it in a round about way, and I feel so bad for offending him.

 

I wish I could just be normal around him. I keep telling myself "he is married! Get that through your head and stop liking him and just be normal! Why on earth would you let yourself like a married man? Its dumb!" But I keep feeling the way I feel. I dont want to keep feeling like such a bad person! I wish there was some way to make these feelings stop, or even if I can't stop liking him, to reign my feelings in and be professional and polite and mature about the fact that I am feeling something dumb inside.

 

What do I do? How do I function normally without so much darn guilt! I haven't even done a thing but feel so darn guilty just for liking him in the wrong way.

[Babybird]

I think you're feeling a awful lot of guilt for giving a guy 'a look'.

 

So you're attracted to him...big deal. You aren't making moves on him...you flirted. That happens. People flirt period. As long as you don't make a move on him then quit feeling so guilty.

 

Temptation is a natural part of life and so is being attracted to people. There marital status doesn't dictate if they are attractive or not, just if they are available.

[norajane]

Channel all that guilt and temptation into your work! If MM is noticing your behavior, so are your coworkers, and it's probably making your job suffer.

 

Close your door, stay away from this guy, and focus, focus, focus all your energy on the job you are supposed to be doing. Outside of work, go out with your friends, go dancing, enjoy your hobbies, spend time with your family, and get some exercise to use up all that energy. Maybe try something like yoga to teach you to calm your mind. Maybe you'll even meet someone who can take your mind off this guy.

 

Replace your thoughts of him with thoughts of something else, anything else.

[Seen_It_All]

Gosh, you're not FLATTERED that some married ally cat wants to use you for sex?

 

What an ego rush.

 

Not.

[pricillia]

Gosh, you're not FLATTERED that some married ally cat wants to use you for sex?

 

What an ego rush.

 

Not.

 

 

SIA You get a rush by being a be-ach to all OW or women who find themselves in a situation that could be difficult.

 

I don't recall Guest saying she was getting a rush off of this, as I recall she is saying that she feels guilty.

 

You are the one who gets a rush and a feeling of accomplishment by making any other woman feel like trash because she has human thoughts of attraction toward someone of the opposite sex.

 

and yes sometimes the relationship goes further then it should.

 

You are just miserable and you like the company...

[puddleofmud]

Gosh, you're not FLATTERED that some married ally cat wants to use you for sex?

 

What an ego rush.

 

Not.

 

I completely missed the "she gave him sex" part? Doesn't sound as if this happened?

[puddleofmud]

Office flirting goes on every where and all the time, especially and more so in causal situations such as parties.

Frankly, no one cares but you...

No one knows of your lack of sexual experience and no one cares, either!

Most likely most are more concerned with their own buzzed behavior to even notice.

Normal is that your employer gives these events and normal is that things do happen--YOU are probably the least about what happened!

So don't worry, you may be attracted to someone but last night was last night and the office will just have another event sooner or later which will spawn more gossip.

And today is today: which is (sadly) all about work, work and more work.

Adults understand that there may have been some drinky-poo involved and every one had some fun and that was then and this is NOW.

Don't worry about it another second!

[GreenEyedLady]

TAA: (just noticed what those inititials are...)

 

You are giving this guy too much thought...flirting is just that, flirting...by constantly thinking about him, you're going to make it worse...

[Pigblue]

But do we choose to think or does somthing else kick in? At what point do the feelings develop? And why? Someone makes you laugh or perhaps they are a good listener. Sometimes it is just flirting.

But once you are hooked.... well you're hooked!

You can choose to keep it in your headspace or act on it. Then you can easily loose control of the situation.

[TheAngelicArtist]

Thank you to everyone for the advice.

 

Yes, I give this way too much thought. I have never actually liked a married man before. I have known married men who I have "liked" in a "if I had known them before they were married I could see where something would have worked out" way. But that was it.

 

I can usually handle myself great around any man, regardless of if they are married or single, like me or not. But the guilt just makes me feel so awful. I know I am overly scrupulous about things though.

 

I do try to stay clear of him though but I feel horrible for doing that because I sense that it is rather hurtful to him, because I know men are not mind readers and he probably thinks I am doing it for some negative reason. But really, I am so attracted to the man that I know it is for the best for me to stay far, far away.

 

But I am all mixed up on the inside because I feel bad doing anything that could make him feel hurt (I hate hurting peoples feelings) so I feel rude avoiding him but then if I talk to him I feel guilt because I like him and I know it is wrong to like him...

 

Yes, I need to not think of this. The amazing thing is that only one other man was ever able to turn me into a mess like this in my entire life. Where is the strong, confident me who can handle men with no problems?

[Guest]

I too got involved with mm at work.

One day he was following me upstairs and I was talking to girl friend and told her that I had finally split with my bf and what a jerk he was.

MM heard it all (I really didn't know he was behind me) and then he started making a move. So I went from a single jerk to a married jerk!.

 

Just let your mm know that you are dating someone and he should back off. Of course he may see it as a challenge since you two have already started flirting. My mm didn't flirt with me until he knew I wasn't dating anyone. I was encouraged because some people who worked with him said that he was always bad tempered when his wife phoned and once called her a "prat" as he was putting the phone down.

 

You can do it, and if I knew all the grief I would get, I can assure you I would never have started flirting with him and I would have told him I had a bf (white lies are allowed in these situations).

Try not to get sucked in because when/if it goes wrong you still have to see him around the place.

 

If there are feelings involved, it is much easier not having to be in any sort of contact with that person. When it was over, my mm had already left the workplace, and I found it easier to move on than if he had still been working there.

 

Stay strong and try and avoid being in close proximity with him where he may see your body language. If you don't have to talk about work, then just say a quick polite "hello" and move on. Don't get bogged down in small talk,

 

My mm and I started staying behind after work and talking about our backgrounds, likes, dislikes etc. The next thing we were having lunch together (twice) and within 3 hours of the last lunch I was in bed with him. From beginning of flirting to seduction was 8 weeks!

[norajane]

I do try to stay clear of him though but I feel horrible for doing that because I sense that it is rather hurtful to him, because I know men are not mind readers and he probably thinks I am doing it for some negative reason.

 

But I am all mixed up on the inside because I feel bad doing anything that could make him feel hurt (I hate hurting peoples feelings) so I feel rude avoiding him

 

Hmm, I think he is probably not giving this nearly as much thought as you. And considering he is married and has an entire life going on with his wife, I doubt that he truly feels "hurt" or rejected or has even noticed that you are avoiding him, much less being rude to him.

[TheAngelicArtist]

Hmm, I think he is probably not giving this nearly as much thought as you. And considering he is married and has an entire life going on with his wife, I doubt that he truly feels "hurt" or rejected or has even noticed that you are avoiding him, much less being rude to him.

 

Good point.

That makes me feel better.

 

I always want to do the right thing, even if its just "doing" the right thing in my head (i.e. not liking a married man, not offending others, etc.). That makes me feel better that he probably is just thinking, "whatever."

 

Now if I could only think "whatever" to the thoughts in my head and watch them march happily away Any advice?

[frannie]

Thank you to everyone for the advice.

 

Yes, I give this way too much thought. I have never actually liked a married man before. I have known married men who I have "liked" in a "if I had known them before they were married I could see where something would have worked out" way. But that was it.

 

I can usually handle myself great around any man, regardless of if they are married or single, like me or not. But the guilt just makes me feel so awful. I know I am overly scrupulous about things though.

 

Me too... always had a lot of male friends... some of whom were married. No problem. Then along came this person and it was different.

 

Thing is... you have to be so effing careful. It's not the same for them... it really isn't. However bad everything is for them (no sex, no love, no appreciation), however we would do something different in their state (married, not in love... missing SO much...) they (MM) just don't do what MW in the same situation would do. Call it what you like, and accuse and finger-point and whatever people do... and when you KNOW them you think... hmm well he's not an ass, doesn't 'want it all'... no, they don't. They DON'T want it all... (an OW and a W and kids and so on...)... but they do face different challenges to women in bad marriages... they face losing day to day interaction with their children, and yes they DO care about that.

 

Don't make assumptions... men don't leave marriages easily... because they just have too much to lose. If they say 'my marriage is awful'... expect them to want to continue in it (way way beyond what you would do, as a woman)... and want you to make it better for them...

 

... and if you're not into that... don't go into an affair.

[TheAngelicArtist]

Don't make assumptions... men don't leave marriages easily... because they just have too much to lose. If they say 'my marriage is awful'... expect them to want to continue in it (way way beyond what you would do, as a woman)... and want you to make it better for them...

 

... and if you're not into that... don't go into an affair.

 

 

Thank you for the advice.

 

I do not think this man is trying to have an affair with me. I may be wrong, but if a man is trying to have an affair I think he would be quite clear about it. And I am not trying to have an affair with him.

 

I am just trying to deal with the fact that I am attracted to a married man, which I have never experienced before, and shake the attraction away so that I can be free of this attraction which completely sucks.

[frannie]

I do not think this man is trying to have an affair with me. I may be wrong, but if a man is trying to have an affair I think he would be quite clear about it.

 

Why so..?

 

Why do you think people would go into things with clear intentions. Oh... 'I think I'll have an affair.. how do i go about that... ah yes... here we go...'

 

It really doesn't happen like that. Things are far more messy and indefinite and uncertain. But if he's attracted to you, he's just going to keep moving towards you ... so..? what are YOU going to do..? Married men aren't free of attraction... they are attracted often... and they are quite often looking for an OW... something... is that what you want to be..?

 

You say you want to be 'free of attraction'..? well you probably can't be 'free' of that... but you don't have to act on it. Don't have to move towards it. Do you want to be involved with a married man...? Is he special... or just a man, married...?

 

How old are you... how many relationships... where are you in your life and why are you in this situation.. looking at him... is it REAL..? Or just 'of the moment'..? why...

 

... why is it happening to you..? and what can YOU do about it..?

 

Do you think you're going to get yourself involved in this... or not..? And why..?

[TheAngelicArtist]

Why so..?

 

... why is it happening to you..? and what can YOU do about it..?

 

Do you think you're going to get yourself involved in this... or not..? And why..?

 

 

There is nothing to get involved in.

 

The only thing there is to "get involved in" is the thoughts in my head, which I want OUT of my head.

[puddleofmud]

Isn't "attraction" fun? I love it! It means that I am alive, hot-blooded, and experimenting with what *I* like!

It doesn't mean that everything I like is good or meant for me--it just means that I like it, which is perfectly OK.

Cheese cake and loads of dark chocolate do make me feel good because they are what I like, but they tend to make me fat.

Shoes are my attraction but some cost too much and tend to make be broke.

Dream men are wonderful; but are as unrealistic as eating too much or spending too much--the reality/ cost of actually having them is far greater than just the dream.

However, one is allowed to enjoy being attracted. And much like a pair of shoes one can't afford--this will fade in time.

Men are like shoes, there are enough to go around, but only a few really "fit".

And if one is dedicated enough to shop, then one may find a shoe to whom one is so dad blasted attracted and fits well that one may actually take them home for "trial" basis.

If they don't do well, then said shoes are either delegated to the back of the closet or donated to charity....

[Kenzo]

POM~That post was awesome!

[TheAngelicArtist]

Isn't "attraction" fun? I love it! It means that I am alive, hot-blooded, and experimenting with what *I* like!

It doesn't mean that everything I like is good or meant for me--it just means that I like it, which is perfectly OK.

Cheese cake and loads of dark chocolate do make me feel good because they are what I like, but they tend to make me fat.

Shoes are my attraction but some cost too much and tend to make be broke.

Dream men are wonderful; but are as unrealistic as eating too much or spending too much--the reality/ cost of actually having them is far greater than just the dream.

However, one is allowed to enjoy being attracted. And much like a pair of shoes one can't afford--this will fade in time.

Men are like shoes, there are enough to go around, but only a few really "fit".

And if one is dedicated enough to shop, then one may find a shoe to whom one is so dad blasted attracted and fits well that one may actually take them home for "trial" basis.

If they don't do well, then said shoes are either delegated to the back of the closet or donated to charity....

 

I like what you said. I wish I could just enjoy the fun of being attracted to someone and not worry about it (i.e. not feel guilty for being attracted to a married man because I know its just attraction and nothing I would ever act upon.)

 

I suppose I was just afraid if he could sense that I was attracted to him he would think I was this horrible person for being attracted to someone who is married. Like one time we were working on this project together, and he had to go down to another floor, and when he came back up I was in this great mood and he walked in and said something cute and I looked up and smiled at him and we just sort of looked at each other for a few seconds.

 

I was not thinking anything romantic/sexual/attraction, I was just happy and smiling. But we held the gaze for a few seconds and then he suddenly said, rather abruptly, "Oh, I have something else I have to do. I just wanted to see if you are doing ok, thats the only reason I came in here." And he left the room so fast and went back down to his floor and did not come back up until he had to.

 

I was kind of shocked because I had not even been thinking anything about him, I was just happy and smiled at him, and then I got the impression he was trying to tell me very clearly "don't smile at me that way because it looks like flirting and hello, I am married." I felt so guilty, like I had done something wrong and he thought I was this bad person, even though I had not even been smiling or looking at him with any flirtatious intentions at all.

 

But then the next day we were in his office and I had a call on my cell phone and he was looking out the window over the city and I was talking and I looked up at him and he had turned to look at me and stared right at me. He did not smile, just locked eyes and kept staring. I looked back for a few seconds, no smile, but then remembered how he had reacted that one time, so I looked quickly away because I was afraid looking at him would be seen as wrong, like I would be sending the wrong message.

 

I wish I could relax and just enjoy the attraction and not worry about it, like you said. I just fear coming across as a bad person for feling this way:o But I like your advice, it makes a lot of sense to me.

 

Thank you! :-) I will think about your advice some more.