melagan Posted February 26, 2007 Posted February 26, 2007 Hi Everyone, I have been married for almost 3 years to a wonderful man who is 12 yrs. older then me. Due to blood pressure meds he has developed E.D. The Dr. has changed his meds a couple of times but they do not control his BP. He had a stroke about 4 years ago so the Dr. will not give him Viagra. The problem isn't that we haven't had sex, well that is a problem, but the bigger issue is that all intimacy has disappered. No cuddling,kissing,hand holding,laying on the couch together,etc. I don't know what to do. I try not to feel rejected,undesireable,hurt,depressed, and all the things that come with being totally cut off from all physcial contact with my husband. I have tried to cuddle and lay with him on the couch but I feel like he just wants me to leave him alone. I have tried talking to him about it all he acts like I'm being a bitch beacuse we haven't had sex. I know it has to be hard on him to but he acts like he doen't care and it is no big deal. I am starting to feel like if it did bother him he would be doing more to correct the problem. I know that if there was something medically wrong with me I would be at the Dr. every week until it was fixed. Anyone have any thoughts on this????
whichwayisup Posted February 26, 2007 Posted February 26, 2007 I don't think this is about you at all, it's all about him. Getting ED and not being able to be physical probably has messed him up. Emotionally not only physically. He may not feel like a man anymore, he could be full of doubt and most of all, it sounds like he's depressed. Therapy can help him cope better. Remember, he's a guy, and many men cannot talk about what upsets them most, especially to their wives...This is why he needs some counselling. Not everybody rushes off to the Dr to get fixed. Many people are scared to do the changes and deal with the pain and hard work that goes into fixing themselves... Have you actually talked to him about all this? Just seems like you've said alot of "It feels like, I think..." instead of "He has said this and he feels like that..." All you can do is show him your love, be supportive, understanding and patience. You would expect the same from him if you were going through a rough time. I understand the hurt you're feeling, and the rejection too - But I can bet my life on it, it's not about you at all - It's about him and how he feels about himself. Insecure, scared and depressed.
Sup Posted February 26, 2007 Posted February 26, 2007 Certainly there are other meds out there that can help him in that area, I hope you havn't thought about cheating on him, whatever you do, DON'T do that, somehow, I know you have thought about it. Or you might have seen someone out and about, etc. Anyway, like I was saying, there are other meds out there, or if you're not confident with your current Doctor, get a second opinion.
Crazy Eddie Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 I'm on a very important medicine with sexual side effects. If I weren't able to take Cialis (from what I've read, all three of the main E.D. drugs pose hazards to men with heart conditions and such), I'd be between a rock and a hard place (or rather between a marshmallow and a soft place)... having to choose between being able to hold a job and being able to get a boner. I went a few months with problems creeping up... be able to perform sometimes but not always, then less frequently as time went on. I was afraid to touch my wife at all. I thought if I got her worked up and then couldn't perform, she'd be worse off than if I didn't touch her at all. Not very smart, but I hoped that I'd be able to perform better then next day. If the next day doesn't come, of course, that leads to a neglected wife, but sometimes guys just aren't that smart. I'd pleasure myself to porn to "test it out", then go see her if it seemed to work. Of course there's no pressure with porn, and plenty of pressure when there's a wife that's worked up and ready to go and you're not sure if you can take care of her, so I'd still have problems. She could easily have gotten her feelings VERY hurt if I hadn't smartened up in a hurry and went to the doctor. I was still nervous after I started the medicine, but that only seems to kill my boner if it's on the borderline anyway. Thank God for Cialis. Anyway, before I dragged my ass to the doctor, I told her that if it was broken for good, I wanted her to stay and to find a "pinch-hitter" when the sexual frustration got to be too much. She swore she could never do that. I don't know if she would have, or if she would have ended up leaving anyway, but I'm glad I don't (yet) have to find out.
Prudence Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 I am starting to feel like if it did bother him he would be doing more to correct the problem. I know that if there was something medically wrong with me I would be at the Dr. every week until it was fixed. Anyone have any thoughts on this???? Hi melagan, I don't have any advice, really, but I can just relate to those feelings that you described. My husband has had difficulties, I don't know if it's flat out ED or something else, but I used to think those same things, that if he really wanted to have sex or cared about me, then he'd try to work on things or go to the doctor or something. I got a little resentful, but tried to not pressure him. I hope you can get him to go to the doctor. Good luck.
Author melagan Posted February 27, 2007 Author Posted February 27, 2007 Thank you all for your thoughts. I have tried to talk to him and it just seems to aggravate him. I do understand that this is far more difficult on him and I have not thought about cheating nor would I ever. My first marriage ended because my ex strayed and I would never do that to my husband. I love him very much and I am trying very hard to be supportive and not seem hurt or resentful. I also get that it is a medical problem and is not about me but I still can't help feeling all these other feelings. I just need tips on how to deal with my feelings because of this problem from people who might of had the same experience. Thanks Again
whichwayisup Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 I'm sure on an emotional level it does hurt and you feel rejected, unloved and undesired...You're allowed to feel that, but just don't let it become the truth! IT isn't. He does love you, just right now he doesn't like himself very much so it's probably hard for him to show you love...That is why it's so important that he seeks therapy to cope with this. Encourage him to go... It might also help if you sought out therapy for yourself.
onlyone25 Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 I don't know of the med crazy Eddie is speaking of but it would be worth finding out about if your H is willing. I do understand your feelings my husband also is on BP meds and struggled with "will it work or won't it work tonight". He now takes Viagra although before he did and even now if he hasn't taken one there are many, many ways he can satisfy you without sexual intercourse! Use your computer or find stores in your area and check their book and DVD collections!! Believe me if you're both willing to broaden your horizons it's worth it! For my H and I, it not only has help with his little problem but it has helped us in the communication department since his A. And not to mention... spiced up our sex life in general!!!
Crazy Eddie Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 Thank you all for your thoughts. I have tried to talk to him and it just seems to aggravate him. I'm not the least bit surprised. In a way, it would be easier if the thing just flat out didn't work ever. If he's anything like I was, there will be situations and people and videos and such that can get him hard when you absolutely can't. Long-term true love is sexy, but it's not the intense sexual rush that an attractive stranger or a good porn video can provide. He can very easily conclude that his marriage depends on concealing this fact from you, and become loath to discuss the subject at all. If there are any issues at all with your body (and there almost certainly are if you're close to his age), that just makes the whole thing much more of a dangerous subject in his mind, and possibly yours.
Sup Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 Why not see if that drug Cialis? Then get the Viagra, or whatever, then ride him good!
Guest Posted April 14, 2007 Posted April 14, 2007 My husband is also older than me (18 years). He takes blood pressure meds too, and is having the same problem. It is very frustrating! He pays absolutely no attention to me. No snuggling, kissing, or anything. I'm 32 and need some TLC. My husband doesn't talk about it at all. He won't talk to his doctor, or me about this problem. If you find anything please post!
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