taylor Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 I don't really have any opinion yet on your situation (I'm still mulling it over) BUT... a funny thought just crossed my mind.... Wouldn't it be interesting to invite the 6 women from your past over to your house for a social gathering (purely platonic of course) and see how your fiancee handles the situation? Hmmm...I wonder................ OK. I've mulled this over long enough. I say your fiancee's sexual past is her sexual past. Put it where it belongs - in the past. Even if she continues to see these people, it does not mean she is going to EVER have sex with them again. Believe me, if she still had any desire to have anything to do with them in that fashion, she certainly wouldn't have told you what went on between her and them. The fact that she told you about her colorful past says alot about the trust and faith she has in you. She feels she can tell you anything and you won't hold it against her. She believes in your unconditional love.Take the high road and show her that her trust and faith in you was not unfounded. And you say you trust her, too. That's good. If she wants to continue seeing these friends, let her. You don't need to go with her. Perhaps if you stop forbidding her to see these people, she will back down and decide for herself that it's not really that important to maintain a friendship with them. The two of you may just be in a goofy power struggle over this. I have a feeling once the baby is born, the two of you will be so happy and so busy together that these friends of hers and this issue will become like dust in the wind. Perhaps you are looking at your fiancee in a little different light now that she revealed her past to you. But you even admitted that she is not that same person that she was then. People grow up. People change. She changed for the better. Maybe you had something to do with that. Love her for who she is today.
Salicious Crumb Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 I say your fiancee's sexual past is her sexual past. Put it where it belongs - in the past.. So if his fiancee had sex with 9 year old boys in the past, or had sex with donkeys....he should look past it? Granted that is quite a bit different than group sex....but still...there are certain things certain people just cannot ignore.
sb129 Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 Actually...and this is just me because I find it disgusting, but I wouldn't be with someone who has done the group sex thing before. I'd dump her...but thats just me. And here we go, SC is on the case.. Wow, that really put things into a more clearer perspective. I mean neither of us have perfect pasts, one can argue one is more imperfect than the other but that can only be based purely on opinion. I did things I am not proud of, I wish I would have waited for her and she probably feels the same vice versa. I dont know what it is exactly, but for some reason seeing these people in real life or knowing that these people are still in her life seems to be the main bothersome point. Any ideas? Hey super89rex, you are really doing well with this- it seems like you are putting it all into perspective much more easily and being uite reasonable- well done. I think your attitude is good, so this has a really good chance of resolving well., So if his fiancee had sex with 9 year old boys in the past, or had sex with donkeys....he should look past it? Granted that is quite a bit different than group sex....but still...there are certain things certain people just cannot ignore. Oh FOR PETES SAKE Salicious Crumb. Do you have to drag everything down to your bitter negative level??? You can't compare that to having sex with a child, that is just totally ridiculous. You need to get off your high horse sometimes mate, you see things in black and white, and life is just NOT like that. If there was no forgiveness and compassion in the world, and if people never got a second chance, just think how miserable we would all be-- (and you know what I mean)
Salicious Crumb Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 Oh FOR PETES SAKE Salicious Crumb. Do you have to drag everything down to your bitter negative level??? You can't compare that to having sex with a child, that is just totally ridiculous. Thats why I said granted it isn't the same thing....or did you just gloss over that part?
Topper Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 So why even drag up Child abuse and Donkey sex in the first place?
Salicious Crumb Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 So why even drag up Child abuse and Donkey sex in the first place? It was a point about someone saying the past should be in the past...and my point in saying that is that there are certain things that you can't ignore about someone's past...like that. Then I also said that those things aren't the same as her having group sex in her past...but if it really bothers him, then the past will be relevant to their future....if they have a future. If her past doesn't bother him, then they will have no problems. But its obvious that her past behavior DOES bother him...so I don't think this relationship is going to work. But that is his call and for him to decide.
Author Super89Rex Posted February 28, 2007 Author Posted February 28, 2007 Wow, this thread has exploded.. I know her past bothers me, it bothers me a lot. Whenever I don't think about it, I'm ok but I think recently due to our recent visit it has been bothering me much more. Knowing such details bothers me without a doubt, but what can I do about it? Theres absolutely nothing I can do to change her past, considering it bothers me, am I jumping the gun when I say this sort of thing would bother MOST people if they found out the same thing about their partner? I don't have a choice, I have to get over this; I love her and as easy as it would be to just get angry at her for things she did in the past and leave her for her past behaviour, she hasn't once shown any sort of display of this behaviour, or even hinted at considering anything as obscene as what she did in her past while we have been together. She was rather young when she did this (17), but I am convinced that she is a changed person now as she has told me. I don;t care whether she did this in the past, I just dont want her to ever want to do it again; the thought of being with someone currently who would do that in the present tense bothers me, I didn't love nor do I think I would have fallen in love with who she was 3 years ago. Yeah, sure it disgusts me thinking of it; and sometimes I have trouble getting this mental image out of my head and its almost as if I feel angry when I think of it, maybe someone can explain why I feel this anger when thinking of it? Can anyone offer me any more advice on how I can get pass this mental block, or stop being so fixated on it, after all; she didn't wrong me, more I believe she wronged and degraded herself as a decent person; and the image it portrays to me of her doing these things bothers me. Honestly, if it weren't for these damned friends being in her life still; this would be 1000X easier for me to surpass or sweep under the rug. I'm marrying this woman, and shes having my child, so leaving her is out of the question; She loves me, and she tells me she loves me more than shes loved anyone before and that shes all mine from now on. Am I being unreasonable in my feelings/thoughts, if so please tell me. I know most people would simply say this is too much b.s to got through, too much stress; but I want to take the honorable route here. Thanks
sb129 Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 Thats why I said granted it isn't the same thing....or did you just gloss over that part? No I didn't. So why even drag up Child abuse and Donkey sex in the first place? Exactly. Youare just stirring things up SC. We are adults, and we are not stupid. There is a spectrum of behaviour for all things. It was a point about someone saying the past should be in the past...and my point in saying that is that there are certain things that you can't ignore about someone's past...like that. Thats soooooooooooo rich coming from you. Don't worry about SC SuperRex. He doesn't believe in happy endings or forgiveness, even tho he SAYS he does.
Sevenmack Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 One key rule of every relationship should be that one's sexual past is one's own business. Period. This means not asking about it. But it also means not informing that person about it, even if the ex-lover is in your life as a boyfriend of someone else. This is for everyone's benefit: You're not imagining her sex face while getting the dirty dirty on with this other man and she's not being pelted with past actions that no longer reflect who she is today. Besides, the information isn't even relevant to the relationship in the sense that as long as she's not sleeping with the couple, it's not an issue. Intimacy should be about the present relationship, not about every Tom, Dick and Mary sex you got between age 14 and the time you meet your lover. When the door is closed, it should remain that way. That said, Super89Rex need to get over this situation. It happened and there's nothing you can do about it. And even if she stopped hanging with this crew -- and it would be a good idea for her to stop simply because her disclosure has created the problem -- it's not going to go away. Sit down with her, work things out and move on. If he can't, then he should end the relationship and move on. Just do something other than obsess over a past that isn't his and, if not for the disclosure, doesn't affect him in a meaningful way.
sb129 Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 One key rule of every relationship should be that one's sexual past is one's own business. Period. This means not asking about it. But it also means not informing that person about it, even if the ex-lover is in your life as a boyfriend of someone else. . I totally agree Sevenmack- I have learnt this the hard way. I also agree with the rest of your post, and I think that SuperRex has a good chance of getting thru this.
Author Super89Rex Posted February 28, 2007 Author Posted February 28, 2007 Thank you all for your responses, this thread has helped me greatly with finding strategies to cope with my problem; I do realize this is my problem, within my head; probably due a lot in part to insecurities and jealousy. Is there any exercises or anything I can do to forget or cope with this? I've talked with her about this a few times and every time I get the same results: -She loves me more than anyone, I'm her first true real love. -She agrees that her past behaviour is wrong, and has at times felt guilty. -I'm the only one she wants, and commits herself to me and only me from now on. -She would never cheat on me. -She feels I would feel better coming with her when they hangout. -She can't go back in time to change the past -She doesnt want to stop seeing her friend, and with her friend comes her friends fiancee. A few things I notice about my fiancee: -Shes very insecure about herself, her self image -Always questioning why I want to be with her and I can do better -In her past she has had a rough childhood, her last boyfriend wasn't good to her, treated her bad; especialyl after the incident. He pressured her into doing it, always asking to bring other ppl into the relationship; making her feel poorly about her self image. Any more ideas?
VinaAmez Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 -She loves me more than anyone, I'm her first true real love. -She agrees that her past behaviour is wrong, and has at times felt guilty. -I'm the only one she wants, and commits herself to me and only me from now on. -She would never cheat on me. -She feels I would feel better coming with her when they hangout. -She can't go back in time to change the past -She doesnt want to stop seeing her friend, and with her friend comes her friends fiancee. Well there you go. If she's honest about it and is serious about what she says then it's just YOU. Good that you 2 were able to talk about it.
Guest Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 Ok it seems to me that you seem to be coping ok with her past but not with her seeing her friend and the friend's fiance. So what I would suggest is this... both of you have slept with other people and some of the these exs might still be friends. So would you feel comfortable hanging out with any ex-boyfriend of hers or her hanging out with you an exgirlfriend of yours? I am still very good friends with one ex boyfriend and am friends with his current girlfriend. This was a little weird to begin with and she must realise that we slept together and I know that they are sleeping together... but really that is their business. I like them both as people and am happy that they are together. So what I'm trying to say is that I'm sure she doesn't look at her friend and the fiance and think 'yeah I remember that time' she looks at them as people who are her friends. I'm sure they don't think about the time when they were together either. I don't think you'd find that if you were with all 3 of them that the moment you stepped out the room to get a cup of tea they were tearing each others clothes off. As above I wouldn't touch my ex bf with a barge pole. Sooo I think you need to deal with your issues of her having been with other people and your uncomfortableness about that. I don't think its fair to make her stop seeing her friends when clearly its not an issue for any of them and that she's been really brave and honest with you.
Sevenmack Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 Guest writes: "I don't think its fair to make her stop seeing her friends when clearly its not an issue for any of them and that she's been really brave and honest with you." Brave and honest? How about just plain stupid, callous and inconsiderate. If she didn't tell him about the past relationship, as she should have done, he wouldn't have to deal with any of this. It's one thing to ask someone to take you as you are, but another to then disclose past relationships that ought not been the lover's business in the first place. Honesty is a beautiful thing, but not when it involves disclosing matters of no importance to the relationship. Loose lips sink ships, as the old saying goes. And by opening her mouth, she's now got to consider getting rid of the friends in order to make him more comfortable. She should. Sure, he has to work this out within himself because getting rid of the friends isn't going to get rid of the knowledge of this past. But she who created the mess must help clean it up. As she should.
Author Super89Rex Posted March 1, 2007 Author Posted March 1, 2007 Loose lips sink ships, as the old saying goes. And by opening her mouth, she's now got to consider getting rid of the friends in order to make him more comfortable. She should. Sure, he has to work this out within himself because getting rid of the friends isn't going to get rid of the knowledge of this past. But she who created the mess must help clean it up. As she should. Is this something she should realize on her own? (stop seeing her friends, etc?) I can't demand she stop seeing her friends and I can't control what she does. Should I be conveying something to her or somehow get her to see this way? Another thing I've been wondering, once this thread has been concluded; would it do me any good to have her read everything here? Would it help her see how I am feeling better or different views on the topic? Thanks
Sevenmack Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 ^No. You can demand anything from her. You can only give your thoughts on the matter and do so politely, kindly and without rancor. It is within your rights in the relationship to ask for the reasonable; asking her to cut down her time with the friends, in light of her thoughtless disclosure, is completely within reason. She helped make the mess, so she must help clean it. If she decides to take a course of action with which you disagree, you must then decide if you can live with this. If you can, then you shouldn't bring up the overall matter ever again. If not, then you have another set of decisions to make about whether you can stay in this relationship.
Author Super89Rex Posted March 1, 2007 Author Posted March 1, 2007 Well, honestly.. Over the past few days since I had to see her friends last I have progressively stopped thinking about it more and more. Sometimes certain cues will remind me and then I will be bothered. For example, today at lunch she brought something up about what he said when we were hanging out; something completely unrelated about salaries or something. Anyways, the very notion of her mentioning his name bothered me and triggered the thoughts again. Seeing them is even worse, which is why I wish she would never see them; but once again I have no control over this. I have communicated to her that it bothers me, and I did ask her to limit the time with them and she said she would try; I just wish she could eliminate it all together; if this relationship indeed means that much to her.
Sevenmack Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 But it's not that simple. As far as she's probably concerned, the past is past and that's good enough. She can still care for you and love you, but still think that your concerns are a little much. Again, she did help create the mess, so she should help clean it up. At the same time, I can also see why she may think the status quo is fine, especially since your relationship with her is fairly new and the friend have been around longer. But you won't know any of this until you talk to her. If you're starting to think less about this, then keep doing that. It may be the best solution in this regard. But you still need to talk some more.
Pretty Fly Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 Wow its amazing to see the two very different opinions you are getting. I seem to agree with sb129 advice. It seems to come down to the fact is that you love and trust her it really wouldn't matter what happened in the past. I mean the fact that she told you what happened is great trust on her part. and if you trust her when she says that you are all she wants that's all that matters. I mean she is marring you, you win. You have her, and worrying about what has happened, when you cannot control what she is going to do in future seems like a mute point. So all you can and should do is trust her. Yes but there needs to be some element of compromise. If she knows that it upsets him her seeing these people, she shouldn't just be like, "oh get over it", if she loved him she would recognise this and do all she could to not make him feel that way.
Sevenmack Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 ^Exactly. A relationship is a series of compromises. And if you help contribute to the mess, you must help clean it up. She has to help clean it up.
Pretty Fly Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 I would like to thank everyone for their feedback, however I have some more questions/issues. Now, I did talk to my fiance about this issue yesterday and I basically communicated it to her that it hurts me to know she is in the presence of this guy and how it hangs over my head when we are hanging out with them and I feel incredible uncomfortable about it. She had told me she doesn't know what to do, that this girl is one of her best friends. I then proceeded to ask her whats most important in her life, she of course said it was us. She told me if I told her she had to stop hanging out with them or I would leave her, she told me she would still be with me but look at me differently... Here are my questions to your everyone.. 1. Is it selfish of me to want or desire her to stop hanging out with her friend all together so she doesn't have to be in the presence of this guy shes been with sexually? Who's being selfish in this situation? me or her???? and why can't I grasp why the heck her friend is okay with my fiance even hanging out with her and her fiance (the only conclusion I have is that she is just as equally warped in the head) 2. Am I acting in a way in which most men would react to such a situation? 3. Is it just me or is it insanely awkward and messed up for my fiance wanting to still spend time with these people? Does this look bad on her? Show a lack of commitment to me or love for me??? 4. What can be done on both my and her behalf to help ease my mind regarding this situation? Thanks everyone... Why are this other couple still only engaged after 3 years? In answer to number 2 - yes Interesting point though - you only feel threatened by the guy and not the girl she had "relations" with
Sevenmack Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 Prettyfly writes: Yes but there needs to be some element of compromise. If she knows that it upsets him her seeing these people, she shouldn't just be like, "oh get over it", if she loved him she would recognise this and do all she could to not make him feel that way. Exactly.
Pretty Fly Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 You have been with six women...You have been promiscuous. Hardly!! 6 is NOT a lot
Pretty Fly Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 She was rather young when she did this (17) You said this was 3 years ago if I remember rightly. Wow, from this site I get the impression you guys in the US get married really young. The average age to get married in the UK is 36 for men and 33 for women!!
VinaAmez Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 But it's not that simple. As far as she's probably concerned, the past is past and that's good enough. She can still care for you and love you, but still think that your concerns are a little much. Again, she did help create the mess, so she should help clean it up. At the same time, I can also see why she may think the status quo is fine, especially since your relationship with her is fairly new and the friend have been around longer. But you won't know any of this until you talk to her. If you're starting to think less about this, then keep doing that. It may be the best solution in this regard. But you still need to talk some more. I agree. I understand that you don't want her to talk to them but can you handle her always being friends with them and hanging out?
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