Fiance's sexual past and current situation

[Super89Rex]

Hello all, I have a dilemma. A very huge dilemma to be exact, it's regarding my fiance's sexual past and current friends. My fiance has told me she has participated in group sex with her last boyfriend of 4 years, this supposedly took place with her best friend and her fiance. I asked her and I'm assuming everything from swapping partners to her being intimate with her female friend occured. I don't know exactly what she did with her girlfriend, and I would rather not know the specific details but she told me she did things. I believe she had sex with both her bf and her friends fiance within the same night during that same session.

 

Now, the problem is she is still friends with this girl. This couple lives 2 hours away from us, the first time I met them I didn't know about this situation. We were up there visiting her father and we hung out with them, shortly afterward she had told me what she had done 3 years ago with these people. To say the least, knowing such a thing has torn me up from the inside out to have hung out with these people shes been sexually active with. She had told me it was only a one night thing, and she was curious and experimenting at the time; which is why she did it. Now, we just got back from visiting her dad. She wanted to see her friend again, and of course her fiance was there was well. I had to endure a few hours of spending time with these people, is it just me or is it absolutely messed up to know that my fiance was sexualyl active with not just me but both of them as well -- and there I was hanging out with them, it was so uncomfortable and unnerving; I had told her how uncomfortable it was and I don't want to hangout with them anymore. She told me shes not going to stop seeing one of her best friends because of this reason.. and I'm not going to be the one to force her to stop, wouldnt that be controlling?

 

 

I don't know what to do, I'm marrying this woman and we also have a baby on the way which is due in 8 months. I can't just pick up and leave her because of this, she told me she woudl never do anything like that again and that happened 3 years ago and all she wants is me. Besides that, our relationship is incredible; she says she loves me all the time, im all she wants and I offer her more sexual satisfaction than ever (I can make her orgasm multiple times, where-as it was very rare before)

 

I just can't get this sickening image out of my head and I don't know what do do! Please help me.. I love this woman with all my heart, she hasn't done anything for me not to trust her, she even confided in telling me these personal things (sometimes I wish she hadn't).. I just feel very insecure and unsure about it, it wouldn't bother me as much if she didnt still spend time with these people. but she does every few months when we go up to visit her dad (who lives in the same city 2 hrs away).. Sitting with the two of them and my fiance was so uncomfortable and I felt so much rage. I dont know what to do, I cant stop her from seeing them.. Please some advice..

[Super89Rex]

Please, does anyone have any advice to offer? Should I confront her and make her choose between hanging out with them and me? Or tell her I never want her to hangout with this guy (It doesnt bother me as much her with her girl friend) ? I hate it that she is even in the presence of this guy, to me they are sick indivuduals and I can't help but get this visual in my head. When we hungout it was completely non-sexual, but everytime he looked and talked to my fiance even about random things it almost infuriated me; I was very rude and I didn't talk to them much because of what I know.

[sb129]

Super89Rex- there have been many threads on this topic, and I have offered the same advice on all of them.

there are other LSers who feel differently, i hpe some of them post on here so you can see a variety of opinions.

I appreciate you may be feeling bad about it, but here goes

 

What matters is

A) she trusts you enough to tell you

B) its in the past

C) she said it won't happen again

D) its in the past

E) she is marrying you and having your child

F) its in the past.

 

Everyone deserves a chance to admit and learn from their past actions without persecution.

Since you weren't together when it happened, its not as relevant as you think.

If you dwell on it too much (like my ex did) it could potentially ruin your relationship.

[mockeryjones]

Super89Rex- there have been many threads on this topic, and I have offered the same advice on all of them.

there are other LSers who feel differently, i hpe some of them post on here so you can see a variety of opinions.

I appreciate you may be feeling bad about it, but here goes

 

What matters is

A) she trusts you enough to tell you

B) its in the past

C) she said it won't happen again

D) its in the past

E) she is marrying you and having your child

F) its in the past.

 

Everyone deserves a chance to admit and learn from their past actions without persecution.

Since you weren't together when it happened, its not as relevant as you think.

If you dwell on it too much (like my ex did) it could potentially ruin your relationship.

 

 

are you f'ing kidding me? it wouldn't be relevant if she hadn't brought it up. but she went ahead and made it relevant by introducing him to information that he neither needed nor wanted to know. now he's left alone to deal with the fallout from her mistakes (both the action and the revelation) while she gets to play the moral highground card of "well if you really loved me this wouldn't matter".

 

listen up women, i don't care how liberated, hip, or understanding you think your man is do not burden him with this type of information. all it does is mess with his head. your sexual indescretions are your own keep them that way.

 

second, it's not in the past, they see the participants every few months and he is going to have to either learn to function or explain to his wife why he doesn't want to hang out with her skanky best friend.

 

if it were me, i would luanch her. she has shown you that she doesn't really respect him by asking him to accept what most men would find unacceptable in marriage material. not only that she is expecting him to engage in social activities with the people central to her indescretion. essentially she is asking him to pay for her mistakes by laying this on him. now he's damned if he does and damned if he doesn;t. if he wakes up and realizes he can't deal with this then he's not a good man becuase he doesn't fully accept her (to him) unacceptable actions. if he sticks then he is going to be routinely put into social situations where he cannot be comfortable becuase of incidents he neither needed nor wanted to know about.

 

women, wake up, you wanted sexual freedom, well you got it. now it's time to learn that with freedom comes responsibility. your mistakes are your own, do not lay them on your SO's who had nothing to do with them. Unless you are protecting them from a disease, then it is just selfish and does nothing but put undue stress on your SO

[sb129]

Whoa.

Big can of worms anyone??? Do I smell bacon??

 

Mockery you have some valid points.

But if everybody got LYNCHED for their PREVIOUS actions, then alot of relationships would end RIGHT THIS SECOND.

 

OK, I concede its NOT totally irrelevant.

 

And I can understand why seeing the other guy makes him feel uncomfortable- by the way OP- you do have a right to tellyour fiancee this. I think that if she wants you to deal with the info she has given you then she should be willing to compromise.

 

MY BF and I agreed that anything that happened the day before we met WOULD NOT AFFECT OUR RELATIONSHIP. And yes, we both got tested first.

but I have nothing to hide and would tell him anything now, he is my soulmate and he WOULD loveme anyway.

[mockeryjones]

Whoa.

PREVIOUS actions, then alot of relationships would end RIGHT THIS SECOND.

 

true, hence the idea that discretion is probably not a bad thing, especially dealing with sensitive issues. people need to really think through the ramifications of divulging indiscretions like that, not becuase having indiscretions in your past is a bad thing, but because information with that level of emotional content will always have an impact on those to whom it is revealed.

 

MY BF and I agreed that anything that happened the day before we met WOULD NOT AFFECT OUR RELATIONSHIP. And yes, we both got tested first.

but I have nothing to hide and would tell him anything now, he is my soulmate and he WOULD loveme anyway.

 

you love him. so then i ask you a simple question. would you tell him about any indiscretions that might make him insanlely jealous or otherwise have a stong negative emotional impact? if you would then why? why would you want someone who loves you (and yes the OP probably still very much loves his fiancee despite this difficulty) to have to deal with that?

[Super89Rex]

So what am I to do? Should I just keep my mouth shut and sit there with them when they hangout with this hanging over my head. Or should I not hangout when them? Im thinking of just telling her how uncomfortable it makes me her spending time with them (esp. him) and tell her Im not going to be involved with them?? I hate the position I've been put into, Im thankful we don't have to see them often but this situation is seriously warped and I feel like I'm trapped in a corner. Either A) I tell her I hate her hanging out with them and she continues, which will make me feel awful still. hopefully she can pick up on how much it bothers me and choose me and our future, or B) Leave her which isn't much of an option because it doesn't seem valid considering we're getting married, and having a child together and I do love this woman so much; and besides this situation, she does treat me very good, loves me more than anyone ever has.. HelP!!!

[sb129]

you love him. so then i ask you a simple question. would you tell him about any indiscretions that might make him insanlely jealous or otherwise have a stong negative emotional impact? if you would then why? why would you want someone who loves you (and yes the OP probably still very much loves his fiancee despite this difficulty) to have to deal with that?

 

No I wouldn't tell him. I DO love him, and anything that happened in past relationships before I met him doesn't matter anymore. If I thought it would hurt him I wouldn't volunteer the information. But if he asked me.... I don't know what I would do. We agreed not to ask eachother questions that we didn't think we could handle the answers to. But he makes me feel so secure and loved I guess in time maybe finding out stuff might not be such a big deal.

 

My last BF pestered me until I DID tell him answers to questions he had issues with, (which HE brought up) and then he used the answers to criticise me and bring me down every opportunity he could, so the subject is a little bit senstive and emotional for me.

[mockeryjones]

So what am I to do? Should I just keep my mouth shut and sit there with them when they hangout with this hanging over my head. Or should I not hangout when them? Im thinking of just telling her how uncomfortable it makes me her spending time with them (esp. him) and tell her Im not going to be involved with them?? I hate the position I've been put into, Im thankful we don't have to see them often but this situation is seriously warped and I feel like I'm trapped in a corner. Either A) I tell her I hate her hanging out with them and she continues, which will make me feel awful still. hopefully she can pick up on how much it bothers me and choose me and our future, or B) Leave her which isn't much of an option because it doesn't seem valid considering we're getting married, and having a child together and I do love this woman so much; and besides this situation, she does treat me very good, loves me more than anyone ever has.. HelP!!!

 

 

honestly, at this point the only thing you can do is give it some time. you might be past it in 6 months and it will be a moot issue. you also might want to try some councelling to get a handle on this so that you can learn to control your emotions when you do have to deal with these people rather than letting your emotions control you.

 

I wouldn't put it to the ultimatum point at this time. Give it time, seek some councelling and then revevaluate.

[NallePuh]

Hey sb129!

 

I wonder if you can give any good advice on how to relate on such matters? I have the same sort of problems. I've been with my boyfriend for 7 months and his past sexual experiences and more still bother me So Rex, I know what you mean! With his previous girlfriend (who he's still married to, but were never in a real marriage!!) used to have very violent sort of sex, and it freaks me out at times, though I'm definately no prude myself...Also I know that he cheated on his first girlfriend of 8 years!

 

At times, it gets very upsetting! Any advice? Thanks Rex, for opening the conversation, I hope I can steal some of the advice you get

[sb129]

Hey- sorry to hear about your probs.

 

I guess my advice is- don't always tar people with the same brush. Some people on LS would say once a cheater always a cheater but I do believe that everyone deserves a second chance, and that some people bring out better (or worse) qualities in their lovers than other people.

 

My exBf (the one I mentioned) had major insecurity issues with the fact that I had slept with more people than him. Thats it. Nothing dodgy, no orgies, threesomes, violent sex or anything. He never got over that. But it was how he used it to make me feel like a bad person that was bad.

I think I would have had more respect for him if he had said something like "I don't really approve of your past, but we are different people and I respect that happened before you met me." He also never really understood the reasons WHY I had slept with more people- I was insecure too. But instead of seeing that he just used it against me to make me even more insecure, and then would accuse me of wanting to sleep with other people- which in tunr led to us not bringing out the bestin eachother and ultimately breakingup. (very simplified version- HE was aMM when we first got together).

 

My current BF however, is amazing. We click, we bring out the best in eachother, we don't overanalyse eachothers pasts, everything is so great now. We agreed not to talk about stuff... BUT... he is such a great guy and my soulmate, that if he DID feel the need to tell me something, I think i would acknowledge it, ask that it not happen again, and move on.

Because our relationship and future is more important to me than his past.

 

I don't know if I am helping here. I seem to be rambling on about my situation rather than trying to help yours.

[Guest]

Hmm, well I'm not sure what to do. You would think since she loves me so much and cares about us and our future, she would not hangout with them because she knows it bothers me so much and out of respect;

 

I would not want to hangout with someone I have slept with let alone bring her along because I know it would hurt her and thats the last thing I would want to do. I would do anything for her, and if that meant not hanging out with ppl so she didn't get hurt I would do it.. I just want the same in return....

[Joey Savoie]

Wow its amazing to see the two very different opinions you are getting. I seem to agree with sb129 advice. It seems to come down to the fact is that you love and trust her it really wouldn't matter what happened in the past. I mean the fact that she told you what happened is great trust on her part. and if you trust her when she says that you are all she wants that's all that matters.

 

I mean she is marring you, you win. You have her, and worrying about what has happened, when you cannot control what she is going to do in future seems like a mute point. So all you can and should do is trust her.

[Topper]

Super89Rex

Were you a Virgin when you met your Fiance? She she hold your passed against you? Grow up, it is in the past. She told you. I would take that to mean she put a lot of faith in you. Would have rather found out a few years down the road from someone else? if you are having a hard time with this now Maybe the two of you need to get some professional advice.

[VinaAmez]

Alright it was in the past. Either accept it or move on to someone who didn't do something like that.

 

Did she say why she told you? I personally wouldn't have.

 

Also it was an experiment thing. Okay yeah we've all done something stupid.

 

Why can't you let it go?

[brightskies]

Rex,

 

I feel your pain. My bf has a stupidly big mouth on occasion which can sometimes be upsetting.

 

It may have happened 3 years ago, or even 20 years ago --- but you only just found out about it, and it affects you like it happened yesterday. I know a lot of other people will say that you will either have to accept it or toss the relationship -- but with your engagement and the pregnancy your situation's more complicated.

 

Your fiancee needs to be more considerate of your feelings on this matter. Yes, they're her friends and maybe it was just an experimental stage. But YOU are her future life partner and her lack of discretion (i.e., sharing this kind of info., which is usually a really STUPID idea) has hurt you deeply. You deserve additional reassurance --- would it help if your fiancee backed off from the friendship until you're more comfortable? I don't think that it's an unreasonable request.

 

 

Please, does anyone have any advice to offer? Should I confront her and make her choose between hanging out with them and me? Or tell her I never want her to hangout with this guy (It doesnt bother me as much her with her girl friend) ? I hate it that she is even in the presence of this guy, to me they are sick indivuduals and I can't help but get this visual in my head. When we hungout it was completely non-sexual, but everytime he looked and talked to my fiance even about random things it almost infuriated me; I was very rude and I didn't talk to them much because of what I know.

[Super89Rex]

I would like to thank everyone for their feedback, however I have some more questions/issues.

 

Now, I did talk to my fiance about this issue yesterday and I basically communicated it to her that it hurts me to know she is in the presence of this guy and how it hangs over my head when we are hanging out with them and I feel incredible uncomfortable about it. She had told me she doesn't know what to do, that this girl is one of her best friends. I then proceeded to ask her whats most important in her life, she of course said it was us. She told me if I told her she had to stop hanging out with them or I would leave her, she told me she would still be with me but look at me differently...

 

Here are my questions to your everyone..

 

1. Is it selfish of me to want or desire her to stop hanging out with her friend all together so she doesn't have to be in the presence of this guy shes been with sexually? Who's being selfish in this situation? me or her???? and why can't I grasp why the heck her friend is okay with my fiance even hanging out with her and her fiance (the only conclusion I have is that she is just as equally warped in the head)

 

2. Am I acting in a way in which most men would react to such a situation?

 

3. Is it just me or is it insanely awkward and messed up for my fiance wanting to still spend time with these people? Does this look bad on her? Show a lack of commitment to me or love for me???

 

4. What can be done on both my and her behalf to help ease my mind regarding this situation?

 

Thanks everyone...

[mockeryjones]

1. Is it selfish of me to want or desire her to stop hanging out with her friend all together so she doesn't have to be in the presence of this guy shes been with sexually? Who's being selfish in this situation? me or her???? and why can't I grasp why the heck her friend is okay with my fiance even hanging out with her and her fiance (the only conclusion I have is that she is just as equally warped in the head)

 

is it selfish of you yes, so what? is it selfish of her, yes so what? does labelling one of you selfish make the problem go away? nowi see a compromise solution possible. i thought your problem wasn't that you didn't want her to hang out with them, but rather that you didn't want to hang out with them becuase it makes you uncomfortable. well here's the deal, you cannot control her behavior, if she wants to hang out with her friend she is going to do so. you however have no obligation to hang out with them. so i suggest the next time she goes to hang with them, find something else to do for a few hours. you'll just have to trust that nothing untwoard is going to happen without you watching like a hawk. that's part of the price of being in a relationship, learning to trust. in the end it doesn't matter who is being selfish, figuring out that does not help you resolve or cope witht he issue at all.

 

2. Am I acting in a way in which most men would react to such a situation?

 

honestly i think you are handling it way better than 99.99% of men would. that said, no one else has to live your life. don't worry about how other men would react, only worry about how you react.

 

3. Is it just me or is it insanely awkward and messed up for my fiance wanting to still spend time with these people? Does this look bad on her? Show a lack of commitment to me or love for me???

 

it's awkawrd for you for obvious reasons. however from your fiancee's perspective these are obviously people she trusts quite a bit (or you wouldn't be in this mess in the first place) so you need to understand that these are people she trusts and hence sees no akwardness. does it look bad on her? no not really, it's just the people that she trusts, maybe they make you uncomfortable, but that doesn't make them or her bad people.

 

4. What can be done on both my and her behalf to help ease my mind regarding this situation?

 

 

give it time and get into councelling, remember that at hear t this is your issue to solve. granted you shouldn't have to deal with it, but shouldn't is not isn't so get on doing what you need to do to get yyour mind settled.

[Super89Rex]

So, basically; if I trust her 100% there should be no need for concern or worry? The funny thing is I do trust her, I know she would never do anything, I think at this point it may be something with my own insecurities dragging me down.. I was in long term relationship a few years before my fiance, I was cheated on and hurt very badly.

[Salicious Crumb]

Please, does anyone have any advice to offer? Should I confront her and make her choose between hanging out with them and me? .

 

Actually...and this is just me because I find it disgusting, but I wouldn't be with someone who has done the group sex thing before.

 

I'd dump her...but thats just me.

[JamesM]

I would have to say that I do and don't see your point.

 

It was in the past, and she was honest enough to tell you. She is making every effort to be straightforward. Does she want to do it again...or does she want you to know everything about her past? If she hadn't told you, then you may have found out from someone else. If she felt that this guy was still important, she could have kept things silent.

 

I am guessing that her being with the best friend is not so bothersome...it is the guy. How would you feel if a friend of yours was her ex boyfriend? What bothers you...that she was with a guy you know...or that she was with a couple you know?

 

My personal feeling is that you may need some sort of counseling to deal with her past...unless the two of you can communicate honestly. As for keeping her from the friends, I am not one who thinks this is a good idea. Truthfully, as odd as it may be, getting it out in the open with this couple may help you get over your distaste.

[Super89Rex]

Actually...and this is just me because I find it disgusting, but I wouldn't be with someone who has done the group sex thing before.

 

I'd dump her...but thats just me.

 

I agree with you, I find it absolutely disgusting. When she first told me I felt like like she shoved a dagger into my heart, I had built her up to be this person and finding out that she participated in something I am 100% against, really bothered me big time. Problem is now, I love this woman; I love her so much it hurts to even think of leaving her. I feel as if she has changed, but the thought that she was ever even capable of something that dirty boggles my mind. Im hoping with time my mind will settle and it will no longer bother me, I have been finding lately I have been obsessing over it and its gotten worse how I feel about it. Shes a great woman, shes never done anything to violate or challenge my trust; I admit, by her wanting to spend time with these people; does hurt and she knows it. She's told me she finds it wrong and disgusting and says she has felt bad about it before. I don't know the exact reason for doing it, I believe drugs and alcohol may have been involved (she used to be into drugs a lot but now doesnt do any of that) But the fact still remains, does the fact that she did that mean that sort of behavious is engrained in the person she is? Or the person she was? Ive been told by her when I asked why, that she trusted her ex, and these two friends supposedly and did this for mostly them; but I still find it to be a bad judgment call on her behalf because she knew what she was doing - which brings be to another question, what sort of morality does she have? Everything she tells me of her former self, I would not have fallen in lve with the former her. But the person she is now, and the person she is to me is absolutely amazing; I could not compare the love and affection we share, the understanding and communication. I guess I just can't get past the fact that shes done something I have strong beliefs that are wrong and dirty. I'm by far not an angel, I have slept with 6 other women prior to her one on one of course, and if it wasn't for the fact of being with more than one person at a time I probably would be able to cope with the promiscuous behavior before me as I was involved in the same behaviour. I guess, the reasoning, her reasoning for doing things could be very complex and only she knows the real reason; although I keep on hoping it was largely influenced by a poor relationship with her ex, peer pressure, drugs and alcohol and had she known how I feel now she wouldn't have done what she did..

[JamesM]

Shes a great woman, shes never done anything to violate or challenge my trust;

 

She's told me she finds it wrong and disgusting and says she has felt bad about it before.

 

I believe drugs and alcohol may have been involved (she used to be into drugs a lot but now doesnt do any of that)

 

Everything she tells me of her former self, I would not have fallen in lve with the former her. But the person she is now, and the person she is to me is absolutely amazing; I could not compare the love and affection we share, the understanding and communication.

 

I guess I just can't get past the fact that shes done something I have strong beliefs that are wrong and dirty.

 

I guess I just can't get past the fact that shes done something I have strong beliefs that are wrong and dirty. I'm by far not an angel, I have slept with 6 other women prior to her

 

if it wasn't for the fact of being with more than one person at a time I probably would be able to cope with the promiscuous behavior before me as I was involved in the same behaviour.

 

So, you reason well with yourself. She has an imperfect past. You have an imperfect past. She has accepted you, and you need to accept her. You have been with six women that she needs to measure up to. You have been promiscuous.

 

Honest and open communication will be the only way that you can move past this. I personally don't see how this is so "dirty" as compared to if she was promiscuous. But that is me. I would have more problems if SHE had been with six guys...one at a time...when compared to her being with another couple.

[Super89Rex]

So, you reason well with yourself. She has an imperfect past. You have an imperfect past. She has accepted you, and you need to accept her. You have been with six women that she needs to measure up to. You have been promiscuous.

 

Honest and open communication will be the only way that you can move past this. I personally don't see how this is so "dirty" as compared to if she was promiscuous. But that is me. I would have more problems if SHE had been with six guys...one at a time...when compared to her being with another couple.

 

Wow, that really put things into a more clearer perspective. I mean neither of us have perfect pasts, one can argue one is more imperfect than the other but that can only be based purely on opinion. I did things I am not proud of, I wish I would have waited for her and she probably feels the same vice versa. I dont know what it is exactly, but for some reason seeing these people in real life or knowing that these people are still in her life seems to be the main bothersome point. Any ideas?

[Krytellan]

I would get nauseous every time I saw the friend's SO that had sex with my gf though... Just one of those things.