buddyb Posted February 26, 2007 Posted February 26, 2007 I met my now husband 4 1/2 years ago. I was 24, he was 20 when we met. We got married Nov 2005, (I was 27, he was 23) knew each other 3 years at the time. He is my first true love. I was so incredibly happy. He told me he was happy also. When dating we went through a long distant relationship for 8 months, I stayed in a good job to save quicker for our marriage. He went home as he got a good job and could save quicker. He cheated once and I found out. He originally denied it. I sent the girl a photo, she said it was definitely him. He came clean then. We were engaged at the time. He didn't sleep with her. He begged for forgiveness and I gave him another chance. Since being married my life has been pretty much miserable. He once threw me out. We seperated for 2 months because of this. He kept coming back (to my parent's house) asking for another chance. We had counselling. He resolved not to walk out on arguements as he always runs away. I feel like he married me and now I'm suffering because he doesn't know what he wants. Anyway, I found out October he cheated on me in September. He didn't sleep with her. We were'nt even a year married! He admitted it and begged for forgiveness. Found out 4 weeks ago he cheated again in December. We had a massive row at the time and he left me for 10 days. He cheated in this time. I asked him back everyday but he refused. I knew he was at a friends house but didn't know where he lived so I couldn't go get him. He bearly answered his phone etc in these 10 days. I was completely on my own in a big city. It was a very hurtful time. Eventually I realised what pub he was in one night and went and found him. He acted guilty when we got back together. Said I deserved better than him and to just leave him and forget all about him. I asked him did he cheat. He said no. I suspected he had but blocked it out. It was 4 days before Christmas and I wanted headpeace. He won't admit this last episode but I KNOW it's the truth. How I know or found out is irrelevant. Should I leave this guy although I love him enormously. He has cheated 3 times which I know about. He is young and I think he does love me, he wouldn't have married me if he didn't. Why does he keep coming back when I have given him 3 chances to walk away from me. We had a big catholic chapel wedding etc. I keep making excuses that he is young, he will change etc. He is 24 now, I am 28. I want kids soon etc. I cry everyday. I miss him so much. I am at home in my parents house in Ireland. He is in England working. I have cut my sim card. I'm trying not to contact him. It is hurting like hell. Feels like he's not coming back this time. Maybe it's for the best. He won't admit what he's done. He is in denial. He said he'd take a lie detector test. I arranged it. He then refused. I think that this time he may have slept with the girl involved. If he is cheating like this now do you think he'll ever change? Is it possible? Only thing is he cheats when we are having massive rows and he is in another country than me. But yet he puts himself in situations where he can cheat. Goes to clubs etc. Have also found out he has started using cocaine socially. Think he was probably on drugs the last time if not the last 2 times he's cheated. I don't do drugs. Wouldn't touch them. How can we move forward if he won't even admit it? I warned him last time in October that if he ever cheated on me again that it was over for good. So unfair he won't even tell me the truth. I wish I met him when he was older so he didn't have to feel that he missed out. I know he feels like this. Soon enough all his friends will be settling down with girls they'll probably marry. What should I do? Move on and try hard to forget him? Go talk to him? Hate giving up on marriage. If only he'd wiseup we'd be grand. The trust is gone completely. Am I completely mad?
jmargel Posted February 26, 2007 Posted February 26, 2007 What do you mean by cheated if he didn't sleep with them? You mean just emotionally? Things won't change until he recognizes his problems and wants to change. As long as he won't admit to his problems things will stay the same. Sounds like he wants you for the security, the mother he can always come back to. The underlying problem here is his immaturity and disrespect for you. That is something you can't make him see, for it is only him that can do this. He has to *want* to change and to goto counseling and prove to you and himself that he can treat and provide for you better. No amount of talking, pleading or trying to show him this will work. It comes from inside. For a marriage to work both spouses need to be on the 'adult' level. Right now you are at the parent level and he's at the child level. He needs to push a notch up by doing what I noted before so that both of you are on the same level. I know this is especially hard since he's your first love, that's always the hardest. However even though things seem bleak, time has a way of improving things. Give yourself time to grieve and start setting short-term goals for yourself. It's time to start making yourself happy and to stop letting him determine your own self-worth.
Author buddyb Posted February 26, 2007 Author Posted February 26, 2007 I mean cheating as he was kissing and getting intimate with these girls, took their phone numbers etc. Each time he cheats it is in a nightclub. I am obviously not there. From what I know he spends the night with these girls dancing, kissing etc. I still consider it cheating although he hasn't slept with them. Thanks for your reply. Another person has referred to me as his safety net. Think I outgrew him some time ago.
D-Lish Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 Unfortunately- cheating behaviour isn't something someone will necessarily outgrow with age. As much as you love this man- he treats you with disrespect. How could you ever trust him again? I suspect that if you remain married that you will be miserable. You'll always harbour resentment and distrust for this guy. A close friend of mine married a guy who sounds so similar to your guy. He eventually brought her home herpes and then cleared out her bank account because he got hooked on cocaine. She has never really recovered from the shock and hurt. You have the power to walk away from this toxic person. You're married and he's going clubbing and making out with other women? I suspect there is so much more that you don't know.... I'm sorry to be blunt about it- but I think you'd be better off alone, then married to a guy who doesn't respect you.
Author buddyb Posted February 27, 2007 Author Posted February 27, 2007 It is very hard to move on especially here in Ireland. There is a lot of stigma around being seperated. We are both Irish. I am terrified I won't meet someone else or that I will always love my husband deep in my heart which will prevent me totally opening up to someone else. I was in a 6 year relationship before my husband. My ex never hurt me once. I left without being damaged. My husband has torn me to bits. I will find it extremely hard to trust again. I gave him 4 chances to change his ways and each time he has let me down. I am a religious person. The vow "for better for worse" is pulling at my heart. I take marriage seriously. He has changed so much since I met him. Got the shock of my life when I found drugs in his wallet. He knows I hate drugs. He used to do his own thing. Now it seems he is so easily led by others. He said he found it hard not to be doing what everyone else was doing. I told him it was pathetic he couldn't say no. He has absolutely no respect for me. I realise that. Why does someone stop respecting you? Could it be that I gave him chances he'd never have given me in my situation? Like taking him back after he cheated twice? I work. I'm a nice person. I know what I want in life. I don't hurt people. Why he doesn't respect me I'll never understand. Think my husband has a hell of a lot of growing up to do. He seems to be going backwards instead of forwards. Guess I'm lucky we don't have children and I can just walk away. I hope deep down that he lives to regret this. I know it is terrible to say but he has caused me SO MUCH pain in my life. Thinking he'll regret it is the only small consolation I feel at the moment. I loved him big time, still do, he knows that deep down. Can honestly say I would never have cheated on him or risked losing him. I loved him and only wanted to be with him.
Trialbyfire Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 I'm sorry to hear about this. People change A LOT from 18 - 25. It appears that he's not changing for the better and getting less mature rather than learning to live up to his responsibilities as a husband. Drugs, serial cheating, lying and denial. A potent and scary combination. I think you did the right thing by leaving him because I see nothing but heartache in the near future. As for respect, sometimes men need you to say no and mean it by following through with definitive action. People, particularly selfish ones, don't always appreciate what they have until it's gone, especially when it's always been conveniently there for them.
jmargel Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 Quote Think my husband has a hell of a lot of growing up to do. He seems to be going backwards instead of forwards Yep, because of his immaturity. You have tolerated his behavior so that enables him to do it more. Not saying it's your fault, it is totally his. However if you just yell or talk and no action is taken then he has not faced any true consequences. In any relationship for it to work both people need to be on an adult level. Right now this is where yours is at: [Parent] -> You [Adult] [Child] -> Him Until he matures you will continue to be his parent. Thing is you can talk to him all you want but he won't mature. He has to want to do this from himself and the only way this could happen is for him to get the counseling he needs for that and the drug problem he has. Like he said he's easily influenced by his friends, so expect that to continue if you decide to stay with him. By you staying with this guy you are cheating yourself out of finding the person you are meant to be with. I know it hurts but this is something that you didn't create. No matter who he would be with he would have done this to. Perhaps in time he'll 'grow up' and realize what he's lost but for now.. It's time for you to move on and start making yourself happy.
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