The agony of a split heart

[Pigblue]

Hi, I posted in another forum, but it hasn’t appeared...as yet

 

 

The agony of a split heart Why does this happen?

 

Within 12 months of being married, I felt an attraction to another girl. While never really being close, I have had trouble pushing her out of my mind. We have a common interest in the sport we play – but this is less than 20 weeks a year, one night a week.

W & I have a sort of bumpy relationship – but believed we had enough to soldier on. The attraction for this other girl faded a little after a couple of years – but was never forgotten. It was if you like … a fantasy. But as time went by she would always show just enough interest in me to keep a little fire burning. I would sometimes fantazise about having an affair with her.

I didn’t think I could carry it off. At this stage the marriage was strong enough to quell the little ‘love interest’ fire. But it was never fully extinguished.

I can remember being at a function – this other girl was there. Can remember being very nervous. W was pregnant – and this would have been one of the few times other girl would have seen W & I together. Prior to this, I avoided places where love interest might see W&I together – I felt I didn’t want to hurt her. Perhaps I was intoxicated by the fantasy – Anyway, I didn’t see this other girl glance my way once that whole evening. Well that should be the end of all this, I was thinking.

The ‘love interest’ fire was all but out. The following year she worked OS for a year. She returned to Aus the following year, but I decided to have a year off mysport. I must have wanted to ‘kill off’ the feelings, the ‘love interest’ fire.

I did not want to give the sport away altogether, so in 2003, I decided to play again. LI [love interest] was still playing. She continued to show an interest. By the end of 2003, my marriage was starting to suffer – I think this may have started after the birth of our third child. Then [early 2004] my wife wanted a trial separation. And so it happened – She and the kids moved out. I was devestated. Westayed in touch, and after a couple of months we were talking of getting back together. During separation, I had come to realize what a strong impact this other girl was having on our marriage.

I knew that I must bury all feelings I had for ‘LI’. Thought that I could. By 2005, W&I were back together. Things were fine – for a while. Sigh. Again I felt the attraction to LI. It seemed to be growing. My wife & I, we just seemed to be growing further apart - so I decided to get counselling. Told of my love interest, and how I seemed to be slipping away from my wife. To cut a long story short, the counsellor said three isn’t a true relationship – they don’t really work. I said that I wasn’t having an affair. She [counsellor] agreed in part – ‘but you are in your mind’. I wanted to tell my wife about my ‘fantasy’, but the counsellor said it might be best not to. The counselling [3 sessions] didn’t go very far to fixing the problem.

Against my better judgement, I sent LI a few lines to let her know that I had a crush on her. Suppose I was trying to break the deadlock of the situation. She has not sent anything in return. That was nearly a year ago. During that year I have again been to counselling and then W&I went to MC. We came out of MC with the idea that we should again separate – permanently. We decided to do it amicably, and it will happen later this year. We just have to try and work out how to live under the same roof while knowing that the end of ‘US’ is very close. And still, I can’t stop thinking about this other girl.

So, at this point I sit here and wonder – how does this happen. I didn’t ask for it to happen.

 

Perhaps the love between us [W&I]was never as strong as I thought. If you really love, trust and are totally committed to someone, surely nothing will ever tear you apart – will it?

 

 

Thanks for reading this.

[Trialbyfire]

If I were to hazard a guess, it would be that you were never fully committed to your wife. The part that you withheld, you actually named. It's name is "LI". It was a form of escapism from a full commitment because LI was anything you wanted her to be. That you had a real woman for physical features means naught.

[norajane]

I am amazed that you have been able to carry on this fantasy in your head for so many years. But I guess when you only know a person in one context, you can make the fantasy girl pretty much anything in your head. Meaning, she is probably very different from the way you imagine her to be, and being with her would have been very different from what you have imagined all these years.

 

I agree with Trialbyfire - it doesn't sound like you were ever fully committed to your wife and your marriage, even with three children. If you had been, sporty girl wouldn't have been able to take up so much mind space. Such a shame when you had a real love relationship in your life that you focused so much of your energy on a fake one.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

It is amazing to me how many marriages are ruined by fantasies. I don't believe that your relationship NECESSARILY didn't work because you didn't love your wife enough. If we changed the situation up a little and said that your fantasy was to become a rock star and that you were so very caught up in it that you lost your real job and realized financial ruin I think we would have blamed it on immaturity. You let what you had dedicated your life to and worked for go to pots because you were so caught up in this fantasy of becoming a rock star which would have brought you all the happiness in the world. (yeah, right) The fantasy is a means of escape. Realizing this or any other fantasy brings only a short term happiness. The true problems lie within. True personall happiness exist regardless of our situations and emotional maturity allows one to live their life in a way that they do not sacrifice or gamble what they have achieved on a pipe dream or any other type of dream.

 

How many people do you know that chase happiness. I need X to be happy, they achieve X but now need Y to be happy. They never get there because they keep betting on another "thing" that will "fill them up" or "make them whole". The sad thing is that they actually aren't CHASING happiness they are running from it because the potential for it was "within" them all along.

[Pigblue]

Thanks for the feedback.

So what do you guys think – should I have told W about how I was feeling for this other girl?

I did write W a letter, and was that close to letting her know the truth. We got side tracked & she never got to see it. Then counsellor said not to tell, so I threw it away.

Some marriages survive full on A’s, so what was going on with me was chicken feed. If I had shown W letter, and not seen ‘wise’ counsellor – who knows.

So, in effect, I’m stuck on first base of an affair because ‘LI’ and myself are waiting for the other to be first to put their ‘toe in the water’

[Guest]

I agree with most everyone else. Doesn't sound like you were committed fully to the marriage to be having this kind of situation so early on what should still be a honeymoon phase.

 

I can't help but admire your honesty however especially telling your wife and seeing a counsellor.

 

Do I think you should have told "LI" of your crush? No. That was a selfish thing to do. What is she supposed to do with that kind of information from a married man with children. Feel flattered? Jump into an affair with you? You've put her in an unfair situation. Hopefully she will either ignore your email or reply with a blunt I am not interested.

 

You really need to figure out what you want. By that I mean marriage or no marriage. The worst mistake anyone can make is leaving for someone else. You don't solve problems inside the marriage by looking outside of it. Do some deep soul searching.

 

Like I stated earlier I admire your honesty with your wife. It shows respect in my book and accountability instead of the usual BS we hear from MM.

 

You have a right to be happy. Figure out what that would take.

 

Good luck.

[Pigblue]

I am not being honest with my wife. I wanted to tell W of feelings for another - the counsellor advised against telling. A month went by, some things happened and stupid me decided I'll write a short note to this other girl. [Don't know her email] For a week after i posted the letter, i did feel like a dirt bag. Ok, I've carried this 'fantasy' around with me all these years, but why o why does she continue to show an interest in me? She certainly knows I'm married.

[Jinxx]

Until you can be honest and upfront with your wife and see her reaction after you do so, then you don't really know what direction you are going.

 

If you sincerely want your marriage to work then you also need to be upfront with the other girl. You are probably are giving her mixed signals that she is hoping you act on.

[Pigblue]

Regarding our marriage - we are just going around in circles. W & I are out of sync - when she wanted to get married, I didn't. So we broke up.

Then we somehow got together- had a 3 month engagement [big mistake i think] then married. She wanted to have kids straight away - i didn't. Our first was within 12 months of being married. So it isn't really suprising that we are on the edge of another separation. The kids have probably kept us together. As for this other girl - I do have feelings for her & but I wonder how can I feel like this without being more intimate. Maybe she is waiting for me to leave the troubled marriage and run to her. Don't know.

As others have posted, she is probably a completely different person to what i think.

[Trialbyfire]

I'm going to hazard a guess here. You and your wife desperately need to communicate better, more proactive communication than wait for the crap to hit the fan. Get more MC and find one that meets your needs a little better. If your goals are always out of sync, small wonder there are commitment issues.

[Jinxx]

PB -- Ask yourself this question and be as honest as you possibly can.... Do you think you could have a fulflling future with your other fantasy girl?

 

My honest opionion is that something is not working in your marriage. Whether it be communication problems or other issues..... something is not working. Whether or not you have children with your wife is irrelevant. If wholeheartley you feel you need to explore a relationship with your fantasy other girl, I honestly think you need to talk to her and see if in fact she if she is on the same page. Let me tell you this....... If you sincerely think that there is a possibility of having a fulfilling future with your fantasy other girl then by all means you need to give it try. I'm not going to judge you in any way whatsosever. But the bottom line is you seem to portray something is missing within in your marriage. You deserve to be happy. You have no idea what the future could bring to you if you are wiling to take a risk and check it out for yourself. The other fantasy girl appears to have an interest. Give it a go -- see if there is a possibility of making something of it.

 

Oh I'm sure I'll get flamed for this but -- hey, you deserve to be happy and to have a nice bright future with someone on the same page as you, someone you share common interests with, etc. Your children will survive. They would much rather see their parents happy then to stick it out with someone they settled less for. Good luck to you. I wish all the best.

[movinon05]

So, in effect, I’m stuck on first base of an affair because ‘LI’ and myself are waiting for the other to be first to put their ‘toe in the water’

 

How do you come to the conclusion that you and LI are waiting for the other to put their toe in? You said you wrote her almost a year ago and did not receive a response. Perhaps this is even more of your fantasy and you're hanging onto something that isn't really there anymore.

[Pigblue]

Trialbyfire - right again. We don't communicate very well. But isn't it ironic, when we were first together we thought we were very much in tune. Blind at first, now i see??

I feel that it is too late now - neither of us is going to change enough to make it work. When we got back together after separation, I believed that i had changed enough to make it work. I'm still falling short of what she wants.

I am in quite a calm state at the moment - W is quite hostile. Think she would be liking to continue on and make the most of the relationship.

Interesting, because she wanted the first separation - i didn't.

She used to say 'I need more space - you don't treat me right'. etc

It took me a long time to pluck-up the courage to say 'I think we are just too different'. We are growing apart. Even with this other girl out of the picture, I feel we would still have a rough time. Keep telling myself - stick at it for the kids!

[Pigblue]

Jinxx - the short answer to your question is Yes.

[norajane]

Jinxx - the short answer to your question is Yes.

 

 

Really? Why do you think so? Because you have one sport in common? Anything else? What makes you think you know her at all, much less know that you and she would have a fulfilling future together? Do you even know if she is dating anyone? It's been years you've had this fantasy - do you think she's been waiting around for you to get a divorce? How do you know she's not in love with someone else?

[Pigblue]

Think this computer needs to go in the bin - Anyway -

Movinon05 - Some years back LI did make herself available and I backed away. She's a quite type and i guess wanted me to make the moves.

Also since writing the note, she seems [for want of a better word] keener.

[Pigblue]

We have mutual friends who talk about her - umm not sure how much i should say - If she does have a bloke, he's either invisible or got no name.

 

When i said we share a common sport - we do see each other more than that - especially in the last couple of years.

[Guest]

I misread I'm sorry. I thought you had told your wife. I am one who believes a fantasy is private UNLESS it begins interfering in the REAL world and real relationships. In your case yes I think your wife needs to be told.

 

Exactly how is the fantasy woman showing interest? By not being rude? Unless she comes out and says she wants to be with you then I think you are letting your fantasy world become your reality. We all can read anything we want into any situation.

 

From what you've written, a short engagement, kids early do you think its possible you feel like you are missing out on something? A fantasy is carefree. That's why we have them and they are beneficial when conducted in a healthy way.

 

Is the problem the fantasy or dealing with maybe marrying too early and all the responbility that comes with it? Would you still feel this way if there was no fantasy woman?

 

I still admire your williness to seek help.

[Guest]

PigBlue,

Why did you back away when LI made herself available? Were you worried about taking things further or did you get some satisfaction knowing that she was hooked on you?

 

You seem to enjoy knowing that she is still available but are you just keeping your options open, this doesn't seem fair on her. And don't forget, she may not have a boyfriend today, but there is aways tomorow and the day after that. If she thinks you are playing games she may get fed up, not feed your ego, and move on with her life.

You could hardly blame her.

[Jinxx]

Jinxx - the short answer to your question is Yes!

 

Then go for it!

[Pigblue]

C'mon you guys, you know when someone is attracted to you. Body language, certain looks, awkward conversation. Why did I back away? that happened a fair time back and it was happening quick, and i was married. Prior to that i guess it was harmless flirtling. Yeah its official - i'm a dirt bag!

In more recent times, she made a pass at me in her awkward way.

So you see, there is enough of a fire under the pot to keep the pot bubbling! The problem was always in the marriage first - i've only worked that out quite recently. I would like to talk things out with her - When Jinxx says 'go for it', boy does that make the pot bubble!!

Think I need more therapy?!

[Jinxx]

Think I need more therapy?!

 

No. Follow your heart.....

[norajane]

No. Follow your heart.....

 

Uh, but divorce your wife first, if you're going to do that, Pigblue.

[Trialbyfire]

Uh, but divorce your wife first, if you're going to do that, Pigblue.

Either that or just let your wife know what you're planning and then let her decide what she wants to do about it...

[Pigblue]

Wife said today she isn't so keen to separate now. ???

Then she left for work & left ring home. Think she only did that once before.

We [W&I] really need to talk this out - I feel our relationship has run its course. If we prolong it, we will probably lose all respect for each other. Thanks for your thoughts.