NC and when she contacts me, ??

[houdini]

Hello,

 

I'm on day 7 of NC and tomorrow will be day number 8. I know sooner or later she'll contact me but for now I will NOT contact her as she has perfectly stated she wants to be alone "Right now"... So.. My question is:

 

What do I do when she contacts me, we do have a 4yr old son together and I know she'll be contacting me sooner or later. I'm only going by her wishes to give her, her time and as far as I'm concerned she's gone for good but to be honest I hope she comes back...(I sound confused I know, but what can I say..I suffer from a broken heart)

 

Anyhow, what do I do, what do I say and how should I act. I know she'll ask what I've been doing, how I've been, how's work etc...small talk you know. I just want to be prepared on what I should do etc..... Cause I know it will be hard and I definitely don't want to panic and I DEFINITELY want to make an impression on her that this is not a game and she's losing me not me losing her....

 

Any advice on what do is greatly appreciated...

 

thanks,

Mario

[jmargel]

What led to her wanting 'her space'? Give us details on your relationship first..

[houdini]

Here reasons for calling it off were the problems in our relationship. Here's my story

We met 5yrs ago, both coming out of marriages at the time but we lived in different states (her in nevada me in california, I have 2daughters from my marriage who live in California and she has two daughters from her marriage who live with her in Nevada). We had along distance relationship going and tried to see each other as much as possible. During the first year of our LDR we became pregnant with our son which at the time wasn't planned and came as a huge shock and stress to me because of our living situations and being unsure as to what our futures held because of the long distance. At the time when this happened my ex wife and me were talking as she was interested in reconcling and I told her what my situation was with my new girlfriend and the fact she was pregnant. Needless to say that ended things or any idea of me and the ex-wife reconciling. My new girlfriend at the time was distraught over the idea that I may be reconciling with my exwife and it caused us both alot of pain and heartache as she felt abandoned and rejected by me.

AFter me and the exwife divorced I was alone for awhile and thought about my now ex-girlfriend at the time dealing with the pregnancy alone and I felt I needed to do the right thing and be there for her so I contacted her and we eventually worked things out. Although it was and never has been easy with her since coming back into her life we did what we could to make it work. During this time we still lived apart until I quit my job and moved to be with her after my son was almost 1yrs old. Things were really rocky as she constantly blamed me for the problems in our relationshiop, was jealous of my exwife, jealous of my daughters and when she seen that I was homesick and missed my daughters she would tell me to go home...I lived there with her and her daughters and our son for 2yrs before I finally said "OK" im going to move back but we're still going to make this work and you'll move in 2months which would be the summer vacation. Well that two months turned into 2yrs and we tried AGAIN to keep the long distance relationship going. Well the month prior to her ending things she seemed happy, emails and phone conversations were normal, (loving, affectionate, caring) she was ready to move and sent me a text message new years day telling me that she realized she couldnt live without me much longer and missed me and loved me. Well 2 weeks later on January 19th she ended things and she said she got tired of the relationship and wanted to be alone. She said that I didnt nurture the relationship and she got tired of feeling and waiting for my love.

I understand we had our problems and we didn't meet on the best of terms and never got to date like a normal couple should and were faced with emotional stresses of an unexpected pregnancy. I feel that she is secure in her job with her new positin, the kids are set in school and she lives with her parents so they help her out alot. I believe and I understand that she didn't trust me to sacrifice that to move here to CA. which is the only logical thing to do and since she couldnt do that she felt it was easy to end things. We talked over a week ago which was our last contact and she said she just couldnt pack up and leave because she has a good thing going for her in her new job which will open up more doors for her, she's going back to college,taking care of the kids and according to her she wants to be alone "right" now.

I know people will say or think that it was meant to happen this way or that she's fed up and deserves better but there is no one person to blame. I understand that maybe she did grow up, or accepted the fact that it would never work. My problem is she gave me a son, my intentions were for us to work this out, to let go of the past, to work on our futures TOGETHER and to be a team but she chose to let go and now I'm in the position where I have a son 500 miles away that I'll probably never see much. Her exhusband doesnt see his girls and now I'm starting to understand why. My ex girlfriend is very sensitive,expects others to make her happy,she feels that she has to be the savior in her problems, she's negative when it comes to herself, low self esteem but is beautiful and expects everyone else to make her feel she's beautiful...narcasisst?..maybe I dont know...

 

Now fast forward to the current day in which it's been 8days since contact with her and I've tried to be strong. I know she may be gone for good but I do feel that I lost the one person that I loved and we let our own personal issues ruin what could have been. I loved her and her girls and of course our son, my daughters loved her and her daughters and our son. We had the making for a really good family we just let the past and trust issues ruin our futures and I feel if we had recieved the help whether it be counseling I think we would have made it through. But now, she's gone and I dont know what to do do to bring her back, to help me make this work...I sacraficed alot to be with her when I moved there and I had faith that she wanted the same but I didnt know she was to scared to ever move and basically led me on for the 5yrs....

any advice is greatly appreciated....

[Art_Critic]

you are Houdini Right ?

 

Disappear then ...

 

NC

[Guest]

You don't disappear when children are involved.

 

If she doesn't contact you soon..I'd be getting a lawyer and demanding child vistation.

[jmargel]

Marriage or long term relationships need compromise to sustain. Also LTRs rarely survive anything long-distance for a long time. You can only talk so much and by not being there alot of what one needs is missed.

 

I can understand that you don't want to leave you daughters high & dry and she doesn't want to leave where she is at. However if nothing is 'to give' then I don't see how it could work out. My best suggestion would be to meet somewhere in the middle.

 

However with all the other problems you stated about her, marriage counseling would be a necessity. Though even if things don't work out between you and her, I hope you try your hardest to be a part of your son's life. He's the one that is going to be losing out in all of this..

[houdini]

Thanks for the comments. I've read thousands of posts on every situation possible and there are many out there. When I look at my situation and re-read what I just wrote it looks as if we had tremendous odds against us both situational plus emotional. I do love with all my heart, I havn't been the best boyfriend/fiance' to her and took alot of things for granted. When I moved back to CA I regained a job as graphic designer and I'm doing quite well and had been working,taking care of my daughters and saving money for us so when she moved we'd have the money to buy a house,furniture etc... Like I said, it was the making for one good family but she let go.

 

The few times we've talked about all this she stated it was not because of someone else. She said she wants to be along, to concentrate on her career and take care of the kids. She is a higher position now with her promotion and is doing quite well and I can respect that. I've offered to move back but she states she doesnt want that anymore. I feel like I was just a piece of gum that lost it's flavor and now she's done with me and that is so hard to accept. I want to do the right thing and I feel as if she made this decision to quickly and I'm hoping that she'll realize that she had a good man that loved them all... I guess I scratch my head asking, "Will she find a man that will love her and her 3 kids with 2 diffrent dads" I ask myself "Will she ever realize that relationships take work" I dont know what the answers to those questions are but I would give anything to work this out through counseling or whatever.

 

I have a library of books, posts printed out to read over and over and I spend hours on the net trying to get an understanding on all this and what to do. I know NC is promoted on many forums but in my case is it the right thing to do???? She stated when she broke up she got tired of waiting for my love and hoping and that she wants to be alone. She felt neglected when she felt she gave her all...What do I do????? Im at a loss and I definitely don't want to go on without her and take another chance at a failed relationship....we have children involved I just wish she would see we have more to gain if we work through this....do I maintain NC???

 

Thanks again,

 

Mario.