Lauriebell82 Posted February 26, 2007 Posted February 26, 2007 this is a hypothetical question for both men and women..have u ever had or been in a relationship with someone who was afraid of committment? how did u handle it? i'm just wondering about this, because one of my friends bf is having the issue and came to me for advice. i didnt know what to tell her because i have never dated anyone that had that, so i'm going to ask all the LSer's what they did and how they dealt with it.
Trialbyfire Posted February 26, 2007 Posted February 26, 2007 I see commitment issues as one of two things: 1) He's not that into you (refer to the book, it's quite enlightening). 2) He's got major baggage and unless you're fully in love with him and are willing to invest the time and energy helping him through his issues, best to run away now because you've got some major heartbreak coming your way.
norajane Posted February 26, 2007 Posted February 26, 2007 You can do a search on LS for threads on commitment phobia, or google it. The advice is generally the same: a commitment phobic person is not going to change, so you either have to accept it (which can be difficult, as commitment phobes tend to exit relationships), or walk away from it.
Grrlish Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 this is a hypothetical question for both men and women..have u ever had or been in a relationship with someone who was afraid of committment? how did u handle it? i'm just wondering about this, because one of my friends bf is having the issue and came to me for advice. i didnt know what to tell her because i have never dated anyone that had that, so i'm going to ask all the LSer's what they did and how they dealt with it. Depends on a lot of things - commitment issues come in many forms. More info?
Author Lauriebell82 Posted February 27, 2007 Author Posted February 27, 2007 well my friend has been with her bf for over a year now and they have never discussed marriage or anything. they are pretty serious, i know they love each other. she had a conversation with him recently (which prompted her to ask me for advice) about where the relationship was "going". she said he was very standoffish and didnt want to talk about it, then tried to change the subject, so then she just dropped it. i guess my question is, in a serious relationship with someone for over a year, would they really still be uncomfortable talking about future committments? is that a sign of a committment phobic man? i suppose this is for my own reference as well, just to see what the signs of that are (and to try to avoid getting involved with someone like that). oh just to footnote..this is not my situation for everyone who is wondering. i have only been with my bf 6 months (most of the regulars know this) and we havnt really talked about any of this yet, and i'm not real worried about it because our relationship is going well.
milvushina Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 Well, I don't know if this will help or not.. I was still freaked out about getting married after we had been living together for a year, and the main reason was that I was happy the way things were and I did not want to shake things up. You never know when someone might change. Maybe some of it was my baggage from previous marriage. Ex was a pretty nice guy at one time too. A year seems like kind of a short time to be so concerned about it, but if she feels the need to discuss it tell her there are a million ways to say something. Try to pick the most diplomatic. If your s/o said to you, "Where is this relationship going anyway? I feel like I'm wasting my time" etc., then, you would probably get huffy.
norajane Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 If they've been dating for a year and are in love, I don't see why the subject of marriage should make him get all standoffish, unless, perhaps, it's what milvushina said - the way she asked him might have ruffled his feathers. Do you know what she said specifically? Also, how old are they? Younger men who haven't had much experience with serious relationships might have a harder time talking about marriage and the future. It might be that he's not ready to talk about it, or even think about the future and feels pressured. I don't think that's being commitment phobic, just too young to deal with it.
dropdeadlegs Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 Does commitment have to mean marriage for your friend? I understand that many people see it as marriage, but I don't anymore. Perhaps that is because I have already had the marriage experience and just don't require it anymore. I did want marriage as a factor when children were an issue. My BF and I have been together over two years and we are very committed to one another and to our respective children. We don't even live together or discuss marriage although we have both stated at one time that we would not rule it out, but right now neither of us have a home that could accommodate both families. My BF will be purchasing a new home soon, and the subject of living together may come up again at that time. Since it is not important to me to live together I haven't inquired about it. We last discussed the possibility last May when his Dad died. In some ways I am almost afraid to "rock the boat" on this issue myself, although financially it makes sense. Age and circumstances likely play a part in your friends commitment issue more than the amount of time they have been together. At the one year mark I am not inclined to suggest he is a commitment phobic person. I think one year is too soon for most couples anyway. My suggestion would be two years together followed by a year of living together before making a legal commitment, but that's just my opinion based on my experiences. I jumped into marriage in less than a year twice and by the two year mark the road was rocky at best. I stuck it out for 8 and 7 years respectively, but they weren't very happy years. If he is saying that he will never get married, and she requires marriage, it's time to cut her losses, but if he simply isn't inclined to propose at this time, I think that is reasonable.
justagirlforever Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 I see commitment issues as one of two things: 1) He's not that into you (refer to the book, it's quite enlightening). 2) He's got major baggage and unless you're fully in love with him and are willing to invest the time and energy helping him through his issues, best to run away now because you've got some major heartbreak coming your way. "Commitment" for people can mean many different things. But on an emotional commitment level - (long story short) I agree completely with the basics of the above.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted February 28, 2007 Author Posted February 28, 2007 my friend is 24 and her bf is 25. from my understanding of the situation, her bf has only had one other serious relationship that ended when he was pretty young like 21 or 22 maybe. she said she didnt pressure him or anything, she just inquired whether or not they were headed somewhere and how serious and committed he was. she said that he is uncomfortable with talking about the future, my ex bf was the same way and it was a little frustrating. i told her a lot of what u guys have said, and she said she does know that a year is not a real long time to be together before thinking about marriage. maybe its what norajane said, he is just inexperienced so he's unconfortable talking about all this. do u guys think seh should ask himif he wants to get married (not to her, in general). he's never even brought it up or a future, so she is i guess confused about her "status" in the relationship.
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