McFadden Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 My friend is having a barbeque today which both me and the ex have to go. It is non-negotiable. I talked to the person about not being there at the same time as my ex but he said that weeks ago he set on a time and date that everyone could make it, I was being selfish. Which is kind of true. This is the ex that there has been all of the drama with. We have been in NC for a week, and he is a psycho and knows I hate him now. It would have been 2 weeks if he had not forced contact last weekend. Anyway what the hell does one do? This guy has a small house, it is not like a huge thing where I can avoid my ex. More like a get together of 10 or close friends that will be sitting around all together conversing, singing, playing charades, ect. It's not even possible to completely ignore someone in that tight of a situation. I guess we will have to be standing around all cordial and stuff. I wonder if he will try to talk to me about whatever stuff he's been wanting to talk about, or if he will have the good sense to keep that out of it? What should I say?
sb129 Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 Is it really non negotiable? Your friend is being a bit unreasonable saying you are selfish- surely they don't want you both there as it will be awkward for the friend! Whose side is the friend on? Yours, the exes or their own? Sounds to me a bit like the friend is being selfish. NC for only a week- going somewhere where the ex is going to be defeats NC. If you don't want to go, don't go. tell you friend that you think it will be too uncomfortable a situation to put all the other guests in, and that you are happier avoiding such a situation. Make it sound like you are doing them a favour.
Author McFadden Posted February 25, 2007 Author Posted February 25, 2007 Is it really non negotiable? Your friend is being a bit unreasonable saying you are selfish- surely they don't want you both there as it will be awkward for the friend! Whose side is the friend on? Yours, the exes or their own? Sounds to me a bit like the friend is being selfish. NC for only a week- going somewhere where the ex is going to be defeats NC. If you don't want to go, don't go. tell you friend that you think it will be too uncomfortable a situation to put all the other guests in, and that you are happier avoiding such a situation. Make it sound like you are doing them a favour. Oh hahah it did sound that way, because I forgot to mention the persons situation. He just got this job, and is going to Canada for 8+ months and then travelling other places (he is on a camera crew.) He already had an official going away party with his family and a bunch of other people this weekend, which I couldn't make, but he is leaving tomorrow and this is just really close friends seeing him off. This will be the last time the whole group gets together. When I think about that it would be incredibly selfish to bail out. Besides, why should I miss out on barbeque chicken because of that psycho? I could act totally normal with him around at this point, as long as we dont get into a personal conversation. I'm just afraid he will be wierd because he wants to talk to me, about stuff I don't want to talk about. I am tempted to call or text him beforehand just to say "let's try to keep things cordial at 'friends' party for the sake of 'friend', ok?" However I feel I can't because I am the one that wrote him a very stern letter requesting NC. This sucks.
oppath Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 How did he contact you and what did he say? I take it you did not respond. If he hadn't climbed atop your house, I would have said showing up when you weren't responding was pyscho. Inappropriate, but not psycho. He did cross the line and as I understand it, has not expressed remorse. I'd go and try to have a good time, but limit your contact. I do think you need to acknowledge him briefly but friendly. Give yourself a post bbq option too, something to go do or an excuse to leave if you do feel uncomfortable. If he wants to talk about something, I'd ask him "what about?" If he apologizes, accept it and say thank you. If he wants to talk about the relationship, tell him "I don't want to talk about that. I'm moving forward with my life."
Author McFadden Posted February 28, 2007 Author Posted February 28, 2007 Well it happened (it = the party.) luckily we didn't make things wierd for everyone as far as I know. We just did not say a word to each other. Not even a nod or a glance. He was a jerk. He kept walking by me and bumping into me without acknowledging me, and talking loudly to other people when I was right there. We both even walked out at the same time and didn't talk, he made a b-line to his car without looking back. So I went home thinking well that chapter has closed, he moved on, I won't be hearing any more from him. With a mixture of sadness and determined finality. Then the next day he left me a voice mail saying "we need to talk." So that completely ruined the delicate, poetic feeling of sadness and determined finality I was having. He had every chance in the world to be polite at that thing and he was an *ss. I'm guessing he called to apologize or whatever. But there is not point now.
oppath Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 Wow. Good riddance. I plan on acknowledging my ex if I see her. I'll probably go straight up, give her a hug, and ask how she is doing. She never acknowledged my earlier apologies which, while undignified, fall into normal break up behavior. I imagine I'll walk right up to her and say "sorry the break up ended under harsh words. I hope you are well." At the very least he could be the big person (since YOU have reasons to hate him; he dumped you and he went psycho, not normal psycho) and say "I'm sorry" in the voice mail. This is so weird. How can he NOT realize that what he did was wrong and that he owes you an apology? I guess I know, since I apologized to my ex whereas I don't really owe her one. At the very least she could acknowledge it. Whatever I said was not immutable and was expected under my circumstances. I don't understand how people can be so weak not to acknowledge someone they have hurt. Like they are the victim! Your ex has some maturing to do. Even if he wanted to speak to you, the best way to approach it is to lead with an apology, to disarm you and make you feel like the conversation will be safe. Had he done this at the party, how would you have responded? I might see my ex this weekend; I intend to yell "what's up ex-name" and walk straight up to her, and let everyone see. If she chooses not to acknowledge me, she'll be the weak one.
sb129 Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 Well it happened (it = the party.) luckily we didn't make things wierd for everyone as far as I know. We just did not say a word to each other. Not even a nod or a glance. He was a jerk. He kept walking by me and bumping into me without acknowledging me, and talking loudly to other people when I was right there. We both even walked out at the same time and didn't talk, he made a b-line to his car without looking back. So I went home thinking well that chapter has closed, he moved on, I won't be hearing any more from him. With a mixture of sadness and determined finality. Then the next day he left me a voice mail saying "we need to talk." So that completely ruined the delicate, poetic feeling of sadness and determined finality I was having. He had every chance in the world to be polite at that thing and he was an *ss. I'm guessing he called to apologize or whatever. But there is not point now. NC called for now. Glad it went OK.
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