Guest Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 Almost two years ago, I broke it off with my MM. I loved him more than I have ever loved anyone. We were wonderful together, in every way. I have never been so close to someone, or felt so alive as I did when I was with him. When I realized he had no intention of leaving his wife (he said he couldn't because of the kids), I ended things. He told me that eventually he would be out of the situation, and that he would come and find me. No matter what. I know he has kept tabs on me, from a distance. I have tried to go on with my life. Met a great guy, and am living with him. The problem is, I still love my ex. So much it hurts. I miss him, want him, and need him so badly. Think of him constantly. Songs make me cry. Movies, phrases he used, palm trees, so many things....they all bring back my memories of him. How do I get past this? Will I ever?
YoMomma Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 How do I get past this? Will I ever? I don't think we ever get past it, we do move on - but that person (OM/OW) will always be a part of our history. I still think of my exMM every single dam day - somedays its with anger, others its with a yearning to want to see him. But then I wake up and face another day with hope that I will meet that one person who will be able to BE THERE for me, and only for me - always. I think of him when I listen to music, watch certain movies, see actors who look like him - he is ALWAYS there in my mind. A weird thing, this weekend I watched "Fatal Attraction" - wow - what a wake up call. Not that our break up was anything like that - but it made me realize just what we did to each other and the people who love us. The hurt it will always be there. Do you best to move on I know you can do it!
hardknocks Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 You are past the normal mourning period to be having these strong feelings. My advice would be to seek the help of a professional to help you get unstuck and healthy again.
erika2610 Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 You are past the normal mourning period to be having these strong feelings. My advice would be to seek the help of a professional to help you get unstuck and healthy again. Who's to say what a "normal mourning period" is though? I haven't been with my MM for a couple of years now, and I still think about him quite a bit. Much like YoMomma, he's always there in my mind. He was a big part of my life. Eventually "Guest" will get over it, in her own time.. Guest, I wish you well in moving on! It will take time, but you will..
YoMomma Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 You are past the normal mourning period to be having these strong feelings. My advice would be to seek the help of a professional to help you get unstuck and healthy again. Who's to say what a "normal mourning period" is though? I haven't been with my MM for a couple of years now, and I still think about him quite a bit. Much like YoMomma, he's always there in my mind. He was a big part of my life. Eventually "Guest" will get over it, in her own time.. Guest, I wish you well in moving on! It will take time, but you will.. Erika - It is so true, feelings and emotions are timeless. My exMM was a huge part of my life, granted he should have never been but nonetheless he was! There is no normal mourning period - you never forget someone that you once loved and just because you think of someone doesn't mean your not 'unstuck' (double negative?). Guest - I know first hand how you feel. You will be okay and its quite normal to have feelings and thoughts. However, don't go back in time leave him in YOUR past where he belongs.
Jinxx Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 Two years sounds like a long time. You say you met a great guy. But is he the "right" guy or just filling a void.
Guest Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 You are past the normal mourning period to be having these strong feelings. My advice would be to seek the help of a professional to help you get unstuck and healthy again. That is what I am wondering. Two years. And honestly, what if that was the one true love of my life? Is therapy going to help?
Guest Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 Two years sounds like a long time. You say you met a great guy. But is he the "right" guy or just filling a void. He is "right" in every sense of the word. Perfect for me. Much more so than my ex. My mind knows this. And if it weren't for the love I have for my ex, I think this could be wonderful. I am attracted to the man, love him, admire him, respect him, I want to be with him......since I can't have my ex.
goingforgold Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 **hugs** Guest this must be a hard thing for you to be going through. Sounds like to me that you are not completely over him. I dont think there is a certain time frame for a "normal" mourning period, we are all different and take different amounts of time to heal. I hope things get better for you.
norajane Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 That is what I am wondering. Two years. And honestly, what if that was the one true love of my life? Is therapy going to help? One true love? That kind of thinking will keep you miserable your whole life. There is no ONE true love. As humans, we are capable of many loves over our lifetimes. We can love in as many individual ways as there are people in our lives. Our love for one person is never the same as it is for another...each love is unique. This MM is not your one true love. He is one man you have loved, and you are stuck on him because you can't ever have him, that's all. You are fixated on what you can't have, and you are unwilling to let it go, like a ratty old security blanket. This MM lied and cheated on his wife, he snuck around around and put you on the sidelines of his life, and when push came to shove, he made it known you'd never be more than that...this is hardly the kind of 'true love' you should be ruining your life for, that you should be jeopardizing your happiness for. Your love for him - and his love for you - was not enough for him to change his life to have you in it. You are pining for a fantasy, a mirage, something that NEVER WAS and WAS NEVER GOING TO BE. You are allowing your past to control your present. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for your life. Take control of your life. Take control of your actions and your thoughts. You get out of a relationship what you put into it. Put more of yourself into this new relationship you have with this man who is RIGHT in every way, and I guarantee you will get more out of it - so much more, that you will see that a true love is right there in your hands. Or, are you so afraid of commitment and unfettered intimacy that you won't allow yourself to fully love this man who can give you the commitment MM never could? Get out of your own way and embrace life. Love yourself.
Guest Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 One true love? That kind of thinking will keep you miserable your whole life. There is no ONE true love. As humans, we are capable of many loves over our lifetimes. We can love in as many individual ways as there are people in our lives. Our love for one person is never the same as it is for another...each love is unique. This MM is not your one true love. He is one man you have loved, and you are stuck on him because you can't ever have him, that's all. You are fixated on what you can't have, and you are unwilling to let it go, like a ratty old security blanket. This MM lied and cheated on his wife, he snuck around around and put you on the sidelines of his life, and when push came to shove, he made it known you'd never be more than that...this is hardly the kind of 'true love' you should be ruining your life for, that you should be jeopardizing your happiness for. Your love for him - and his love for you - was not enough for him to change his life to have you in it. You are pining for a fantasy, a mirage, something that NEVER WAS and WAS NEVER GOING TO BE. You are allowing your past to control your present. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for your life. Take control of your life. Take control of your actions and your thoughts. You get out of a relationship what you put into it. Put more of yourself into this new relationship you have with this man who is RIGHT in every way, and I guarantee you will get more out of it - so much more, that you will see that a true love is right there in your hands. Or, are you so afraid of commitment and unfettered intimacy that you won't allow yourself to fully love this man who can give you the commitment MM never could? Get out of your own way and embrace life. Love yourself. Norajane, You are so right. I realise that part of the reason i was stuk on my xmm was that it was like a chalege. I wanted to have him, I invested time and energy in him and was reluctant to let himgo. However I once thought IF he did leave his m and come to me what would our r be like. He was a flip flopper. unreliable, and blew hot and cold, and was very paranoid and neurotic. So could I ever have a contented r with him let alone a happy one. NO. But it is difficult to admit failure-I felt I had failed in getting him to love me enough and failed to make a good choice so I persevered hoping things would change and that he would love me enough and I could justify my choice. I dreaded having o go back into the big wide world and date again. But really the OW don't have to put alot into their a with a mm. The trouble is that they do invest much more time, energy, and emotion than mm and then they feel they are short changed. My mm wanted a mainly sexual affair with not much emotional input from me, but he didn't want me seeing anyone else. He would resume with me now if I was willing to just have sex with him once a fortnight. Sorry but I deserve better than that even if he doesn't think so. The trouble was I fell in love and couldn't accept the boundaries.
frannie Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 He is "right" in every sense of the word. Perfect for me. Much more so than my ex. My mind knows this. And if it weren't for the love I have for my ex, I think this could be wonderful. I am attracted to the man, love him, admire him, respect him, I want to be with him......since I can't have my ex. Guest, I'm just wondering... don't you think it's easy to make your xMM into someone perfect, when you never had to live with whatever down-sides would have come along had the two of you really got together. Because there would bound to have been some, right..? Do you think it's possible that you're scared to actually give this present man all your love and commitment for some reason... and I mean a reason not connected with the xMM..? And not connected with the present man either, for that matter, but from some fear or block of some kind within you..? Some regret, unfinished business, fear of commitment, difficulties with making decisions (that's me!)... whatever it is. I wouldn't have said as much but from what you wrote in this post above 'love him, admire him, respect him'... to me, if you've found someone this good a fit, then the fact that you loved before and lost, while sad, well I hate to say 'shouldn't'... but perhaps I should say if it were me, I'd be working like mad to make sure I didn't let that destroy any future happiness I deserved. I really think that if this were me, I'd be saying to myself... I am LETTING the past get in the way of the future, for some reason... If you can find out that reason which is within yourself, I believe, then you can finally let go of xMM and enjoy what is right in front of you.
Seen_It_All Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 This MM lied and cheated on his wife, he snuck around around and put you on the sidelines of his life, and when push came to shove, he made it known you'd never be more than that...this is hardly the kind of 'true love' you should be ruining your life for, that you should be jeopardizing your happiness for. Your love for him - and his love for you - was not enough for him to change his life to have you in it. You are pining for a fantasy, a mirage, something that NEVER WAS and WAS NEVER GOING TO BE. Thank heaven for a voice of REASON. Why ANYONE would pine away for a lying, cheating horndog who was selfish enough to put his family's security in jeapordy for a little excitement on the side, is simply beyond me.
norajane Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 Norajane, You are so right. I realise that part of the reason i was stuk on my xmm was that it was like a chalege. I wanted to have him, I invested time and energy in him and was reluctant to let himgo. However I once thought IF he did leave his m and come to me what would our r be like. He was a flip flopper. unreliable, and blew hot and cold, and was very paranoid and neurotic. So could I ever have a contented r with him let alone a happy one. NO. But it is difficult to admit failure-I felt I had failed in getting him to love me enough and failed to make a good choice so I persevered hoping things would change and that he would love me enough and I could justify my choice. I dreaded having o go back into the big wide world and date again. But really the OW don't have to put alot into their a with a mm. The trouble is that they do invest much more time, energy, and emotion than mm and then they feel they are short changed. My mm wanted a mainly sexual affair with not much emotional input from me, but he didn't want me seeing anyone else. He would resume with me now if I was willing to just have sex with him once a fortnight. Sorry but I deserve better than that even if he doesn't think so. The trouble was I fell in love and couldn't accept the boundaries. Well, that doesn't sound like a true love to me. That sounds like a desperate love, or a desperate need to prove your own worth to yourself...like, if you could actually get him to leave his wife for you, then you'd prove that you are worth the effort.
puddleofmud Posted March 3, 2007 Posted March 3, 2007 Having to leave someone one loves behind is much like a death. One tends to remember the better things about someone who "dies"... This makes grieving much easier...deservedly so... Yet, even when someone dies they are still the same as they were in life, death does not change this. Could it be that you are overly-romantizing your EX? Could it be that you have romanticized your EX to the point that no one could possibly compare? Could it be that NO ONE no matter how great they are gives you the same (irrational) emotional "high"? Does that fact that your EX keeps tabs on you make you feel secure? As in do you feel that when you would possibly need rescue your EX would be there for you? And have you thought that, just perhaps, you may have become more adept at "grieving" than accepting? As well, perhaps you are also addicted to the "ups and downs (drama) of romance as opposed to that which is steadfast and secure? Last but not least, if you aren't truly truly in love with the guy you live with, then why stay? You both deserve someone who blows your socks off.... And if you do blow each other's socks off...then stay...be in love with each other as well as your past. Every one has a past. Being in love never goes away and that's a good thing! It proves that you are capable to love, compassionate and warm of heart..as in deeply passionate. Not one thing changes about love when its' genuine and no one should expect that, past or present. We are lucky to be loved....humble to love...and allowed to know what is the best love for us.
GreenEyedLady Posted March 3, 2007 Posted March 3, 2007 That is what I am wondering. Two years. And honestly, what if that was the one true love of my life? Is therapy going to help? If he was the ONE TRUE LOVE of your life, you'd be with him...enjoy what you have...that's what's real...
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