mopar crazy Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 Part of my story is here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t113275/ Anyhow, do you think something is fishy going on here w/ this woman? My WH had an A almost 4 years ago w/ a co-worker. He filed for a D to be w/ her, and she also filed for a D from her H. Their A was short-lived. I knew about it for about 3 months b4 he said he wanted to work on our M. I'm sure there was an EA going on b4 I knew anything about their R. They worked together for 3 years and I knew she was attracted to him from day one. The pain is pretty much gone, unless I start thinking about it and I try not to. The A is more like a nightmare. The problem is trust issues. I'm always worried he will have an EA more than a PA. He is always home after work so there really isn't much time for him to have a PA w/ his OW unless he takes some time off work. I highly doubt that b/c his paychecks are always for 80 hours. I don't find any cell phone numbers on his cell that belong to another woman but one and that is the woman he helps coach our children's BB team. I wont go into the whole thread again here so I posted the url above. I would appreciate any OW POV on this woman's behavior. I know all situations are different but wanted the OW POV on this. Thanks!
Babybird Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 My first thought after reading both posts was: Are you really sure she is being as distant as you think..or are you looking for something? After he had an A of course you are going to be doubtful about any woman that he has contact with. That is perfectly natural. But what about her? Is she married, single, involved? How do they act when together? I would look more for the direct eye contact, touching each other, flipping of hair, laughing a lot, and whispering. Is that happeneing? I would be supspicious if any of those things were happening. She could be distancing herself because she feels akward or weird or hopefully, guilty.
stillhere Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 I think that she's acting a little strange. I don't understand why she would not include you in her conversations with your H. Your children are on the team she is coaching as well, so you have an interest in the matter. Maybe you are looking too far into this, i hope so for your sake. But i think something isn't adding up. Is this woman single or M? Do her children play on this team as well? How often do they talk? How old are your children? If they are young, there is no reason they need to spend a lot of time together. BB is supposed to be fun at a young age. It's not all about strategy and making up big plays to beat the crap out of the other team. Maybe you should help your H with the coaching as well. The less time they spend together alone, the better. Plus, you will get to see his reaction. If he's defensive and highly against that idea, something may be going on. You'll be cutting into his personal time alone with her. Just a thought. Can't hurt to try, right?
Author mopar crazy Posted February 25, 2007 Author Posted February 25, 2007 Thank you both for your replies, I really appreciate it. She is also M, has four children, her youngest is the one on the same team as my child so they play on the same team. They are 12. They talk at least every other day. Practice is twice a week for 2 hours and then usually games on weekends. No flipping of hair, for one b/c her hair is so short she can't flip it. I don't see any giggling or laughing between them but they have laughed w/ each other when I'm right there. I have seen them whisper but it is while they are on the sidelines coaching so they are probably talking about the kids or the game. It gets loud during games so it's hard to talk. I haven't seen a lot of direct eye contact but I'm not there during practices either. As for helping him coach, wont go there. I have no clue about BB and would just be a fool trying to coach something I know nothing about. I hope there is nothing going on and that it's all in my head b/c of his past A.
Freedom Now Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 Mopar.... I am so sorry that you are having doubts right now. But one thing I have learned in my travels throughout my life is this: follow your gut. It is rarely wrong. It seems to me, from what you have written, this is perhaps the very beginning of a potential EA. Watch closely and listen to your gut. I pray that your fears are unfounded.
Jinxx Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 follow your gut. It is rarely wrong. Dittoing this. You already are dealing with trust issues. Additionally, if your husband does enter into an A with this woman, this time he'll be extra cautious of his moves.
puddleofmud Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 I am very sorry this is happening to you and since your husband has had an affair it is only natural that you may feel suspicious. The most important aspect is your relationship with your husband--how is he reacting and is he being supportive as to your feelings? What do you want from him right now in order to make you feel more secure? Have you talked with him (calmly) about this? Is he willing to support you as his wife and your fears in order to make you feel all right? I so hope that he is or will be for the sake of your family as you do deserve that respect.
Author mopar crazy Posted February 27, 2007 Author Posted February 27, 2007 I am very sorry this is happening to you and since your husband has had an affair it is only natural that you may feel suspicious. The most important aspect is your relationship with your husband--how is he reacting and is he being supportive as to your feelings? What do you want from him right now in order to make you feel more secure? Have you talked with him (calmly) about this? Is he willing to support you as his wife and your fears in order to make you feel all right? I so hope that he is or will be for the sake of your family as you do deserve that respect. When I was insecure shortly after the A H knew my reasoning behind it. Now though he seems to think I should be over it and maybe I should consider going back to IC. I was fine, my insecurities were fine, trust was getting stronger then this. I don't care if they just talk about BB all the time. How do I know what is going on when I'm not around? I'm secure enough in myself that if this does end up as an A I will kick his a$$ to the curb and go one w/ my life. I know I could find another man who wont cheat on me, and if he does, his a$$ will be kicked to the curb. I gave my H a second chance at making this M work after his first A, I wont do it through a second. Last night I was checking minutes used on both of our cells to see if we had gone over. Over the course of a few days (or could of been a week) she called six times, he called her three. All the calls made to her where under 5 minutes. She even called him Valentines evening and they talked for 8 minutes! I wasn't home at the time so I have no idea what was said. If I even ask he'll give me the same answers.....BB. I'm just leaving this alone, for now. When BB season is over and they are still contacting each other I will know something is going on. Thanks again for all your replies! I appreciate it so much!!! I'm relieved to know that I'm not totally crazy about how she is acting.
Freedom Now Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 You are not in the least bit crazy. Watch things closely now. Pay attention. You will find the answers you are seeking by being vigilant in watching him. As I have said before: listen to your gut. I do not like the Valentine's call....guard your heart Mopar. From an xOW, it sounds suspicious but not without a valid and completely benign explanation. They truly could be talking about BB. I does seem, however, that she is unusually interested in talking to your husband.
Author mopar crazy Posted February 27, 2007 Author Posted February 27, 2007 You are not in the least bit crazy. Watch things closely now. Pay attention. You will find the answers you are seeking by being vigilant in watching him. As I have said before: listen to your gut. I do not like the Valentine's call....guard your heart Mopar. From an xOW, it sounds suspicious but not without a valid and completely benign explanation. They truly could be talking about BB. I does seem, however, that she is unusually interested in talking to your husband. Thanks FN! This feels like the beginning of his last A, only his xOW didn't call a bunch of times. At least not until he moved out of the house and we were going through a D. And I only knew that b/c when I got the bill her phone was on there a lot. What if H has no attactions to her, wouldn't have an A w/ her (EA or PA) BUT she is attracted to him and enjoys talking to him, spending time w/ him (which is only at the games and practice)? Do I just let her think it's ok for her to call him all the time and let them use BB as an excuse? I don't want to put demands on my H by telling him he needs to put a stop to her calling all the time b/c then I just feel like a bitch, nag of a W.
Freedom Now Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 Thanks FN! This feels like the beginning of his last A, only his xOW didn't call a bunch of times. At least not until he moved out of the house and we were going through a D. And I only knew that b/c when I got the bill her phone was on there a lot. What if H has no attactions to her, wouldn't have an A w/ her (EA or PA) BUT she is attracted to him and enjoys talking to him, spending time w/ him (which is only at the games and practice)? Do I just let her think it's ok for her to call him all the time and let them use BB as an excuse? I don't want to put demands on my H by telling him he needs to put a stop to her calling all the time b/c then I just feel like a bitch, nag of a W. I think it is entirely possible that this woman has formed a "crush" on your husband and is using BB as an excuse to keep contact with him. Your husband could honestly be clueless to this behavior, but you, having been through his affair, can see things more keenly. I would watch if there is any contact AFTER the season is over, then put the kabosh on things if the phone activity continues. There is absolutely NO NEED for her to call him once the season is over. I would sit tight and watch and wait. Things will become more clear, I would think, after the season is over. I pray that your fears are unfounded. There is far too much pain around here. I would like, for once, hear about a happy ending...
cbl Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 She knows you and she did not even chat with you before you handed the cell to your husband... either she's not a very friendly person, or something is just not right. What if H has no attactions to her, wouldn't have an A w/ her (EA or PA) BUT she is attracted to him and enjoys talking to him, spending time w/ him (which is only at the games and practice)? Do I just let her think it's ok for her to call him all the time and let them use BB as an excuse? I don't want to put demands on my H by telling him he needs to put a stop to her calling all the time b/c then I just feel like a bitch, nag of a W. i don't think this is "nagging". it's about setting the boundaries and about your husband including you in his life. you don't have to coach the kids since it's not your cup of tea. but instead, maybe chat with this woman about how kids are doing in the team? she should be the one to initiate this sort of conversations with you. maybe tell your husband your concerns during a romantic dinner that you prepare for him at home? or while you run the bubble bath for him? i do this when i need to address my concerns to my SO and it works every single time. my best wishes to you.
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