Guest Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 I just spent 4-5 hours of reading this forum at work, and its shocking to say the least. I am battling a problem myself, and was hoping that perhaps someone would come up with a suggestion or two that can help me. A little about myself. I am 23, married to a wonderful lady (27) and the stepfather of 3 kids...Years 9/6/4. We've been married for 2 years now, and I am the only person that works, as she has enough to do at home. The kids and I get a long great, and I have easily taken the role of 'Dad' in the house. The problem. Prior to this marriage, I was never involved in any relationships, or even with any other women, she was my first. I have very little experience in that area, and while it may seem strange to some, I was simply busy with other things such as school. We dated only 4 months before marrying, and I took on some rather huge responsibilities, knowing it would be hard. Lately, it seems as if I've started to have sexual desires outside of our marriage. Our sex and intimacy is great, but I have many thoughts of being with other women. Curiosity perhaps? The idea of living my entire life, only having experienced sex with a single person was definately something I considered when I got married, but I truly did not know the problems it could cause. She has told me that she has had many partners, and also wondered if this would be a problem for me later on. While I know this is immature thinking, some of my thoughts are things such as 'She has had many partners, why should I not get to experience that?'. I don't think I can discuss this with her, as I know she was cheated on many times in her prior marriage from an abusive husband. I don't want to be that person, I really do not. I just don't know how to solve this on my own, and really have no one to talk with.
Not_That_Innocent Posted March 10, 2007 Posted March 10, 2007 Be careful because if the right person comes along you just might cheat. I think you should tell your wife how you feel 'cause right now it seems like you are very vunerable. That is what happened to me. I had fantasies of being with other men but never thought I would go through with them. The right man came along and lit my fire and boom - just like that I'm now a cheating spouse. I wish I would have just been honest with my husband in the first place and maybe I would not have left myself so wide open for an affair to happen. Good luck!
SadrBtWizr Posted March 11, 2007 Posted March 11, 2007 I applaud your honesty and desire for integrity. My advice to you is to find an older man, a mentor if you will, whom you respect. One who has a wife who respects him. Explain your thoughts and feelings to him, and let him give you some specific advice, or just encouragement. Online forums like this are great, but nothing beats good old face to face "reality". Remember, you're a man, not an animal, and ultimately, you have a choice about how you deal with these thoughts and feelings. I have a feeling you are a man of integrity and that you will ultimately fight your way through this. Good luck, I'm cheering for you.
LakesideDream Posted March 11, 2007 Posted March 11, 2007 Guest, The only advice I can give you is something I am absolutely sure of. The most satisfying feeling you can (or cannot) imagine is the emotional and physical pleasure you receive from a partner who truely loves you. I hope you think about the above, and hopefully come to understand it before you make a disasterous mistake. I'm a 57 year old man, who has "known" many women with a 25 year, 2 child (me-monogomus) marriage as the meat in the sandwich. I can tell you without question, that the best was better than all the rest combined. Alas, but I didn't have the maturity to stay with her.
4whatItsWorth Posted March 11, 2007 Posted March 11, 2007 Hiya Guest! First of all appreciate that you seem to take the concerns seriously rather than just pushing them in the back of your head until one day you might act on impulse. I think at 23, with no experience, you might have jumped to the gun a little too soon. To take on 3 children at that age...well, I do not think that was the most clever idea combined with marriage after only 4 months of dating - but bless your heart for being good to the kids. My friend's fiancé dumped her because he was your age and had no experience with other women and felt he had the need to explore. I think that if the curiosity is too intense for you, you might end up going in the same direction. It's nothing to be ashamed of - it's natural to have urges and want to explore. Problem now is that you are married, and I guess you have to decide (like my friend's fiancé did) what is the most important to you. If you feel you have the need in life to explore, perhaps discuss this with your W or think about separating depending on how great this need is. Perhaps role-playing would be a solution? Although, I have to admit, the grass doesn't have to be greener on the other side. Good luck!
Karma24 Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 I'm a 57 year old man, who has "known" many women with a 25 year, 2 child (me-monogomus) marriage as the meat in the sandwich. I can tell you without question, that the best was better than all the rest combined. Alas, but I didn't have the maturity to stay with her. I would have to smoke drugs before I could even try to figure out what this means.
Greggie Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 Go back to the past before you decided to marry your wife. Were you trying to be a hero? Did she manipulate you into marrying her? Did you experience sex for the first time with her that you thought this was what you wanted for the rest of your life (not thinking her 3 children could get into the way of getting this sex on a regular basis)? If you made the decision to marry her, not out of love and a genuine desire to spend the rest of your life with her, then both you and her were at fault when you decided to get married. If it was genuine, however, you could get out of it - for the thrill that a new woman, an experience with the 'inexperienced' could give you - but you will find yourself longing to be with her again. So think well before you do anything and give yourself plenty of time to decide, this time.
Scrivdog Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 Sorry to disagree here .. but I see no good coming from telling your wife about this. She can't change the fact that you've only had her as a partner. All you'll accomplish is making her feel insecure in the marriage.
Woggle Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 If you have a genuinely good woman in your life then count your blessings because it is a very hard thing to find. Trust me when I say that what is out there is not in any way better than what you have at home right now. I agree with somebody else about talking to a man who has been there and done that and learning from his mistakes.
Guest Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 Thank you for your time and replies. Since this original post, I've actually had a long talk to her about this. I was not the one bringing up the subject however, as she knew something was wrong. Basically, she drilled through a couple of questions and eventually I told her. She understands. Now, we talked about it for quite awhile, and it actually ended up with her asking the question "Would it help you to sleep with another woman?" Obviously, this all started with that specific thought...But when asked the question by her...knowing it would hurt her, I declined the offer. She was ready to do it, because she does not want our marriage to get destroyed over this. I know most men would probably jump at the idea, but whether or not the desire is there, I can't do that to my wife...regardless of her being willing. I know it would hurt more than it would help. It may seem strange...But her actually knowing...and understanding...and even offering...has helped me cope with it tremendously. I still have the thoughts once in awhile, but I know that I have a very good woman as my wife and have no intentions of ruining our marriage over lust. We've got some work to do, but it's doable. Thanks again, you've all helped me more than you'll know.
smartgirl Posted April 1, 2007 Posted April 1, 2007 I am very glad that you have weathered this particular trial and that you clearly married a good woman. Being able to talk about these things can save so much grief. Unfortunately in my case my husband eventually succumbed. We have been together for 33 years - since we were 16 and were each other's one and only. It has plagued him on and off our entire marriage. Twice in our marriage he started to feel the pangs of aging, started feeling bad about himself, started questioning everything in his life - and it finally got around to his discontent over never being with someone else. It is more than the sex, it is the experience of being wanted and knowing that someone else would want you. His fling got out of hand and turned into a year long affair that he had a lot of trouble extracating himself from. It has been a year and we are still struggling. I wish I could tell you some way to get over these feelings. I wish there weren't three vulnerable children involved. The best thing I can recommend, and I can't say this strongly enough, is that the next time you feel this coming on don't try to work it out yourself and don't bring it to your wife again - she will only feel more guilty. Go into therapy. It has done a lot for me and my husband and I think it would help you too. If he had sought therapy the first time he had these urges 20 years ago, I don't think this affair would have happened. In fact, even though you feel better it wouldn't be a bad idea to talk to someone now. Just go once or twice and see.
Batman7 Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 You seem like a good man. I can tell you this from experirence, you don't want to be the one who is cheated on. It would destroy your wife, bottom line. She would carry it around for the rest of her life my friend, no one deserves that, especially a wife like you have. Hang in there, work on ways to make your love life with your wife better if need be. Nothing can take the place of a dedicated annd loving wife who counts on you to reciprocate in kind.
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