Guest Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 This is starting to piss me off a bit. i'm 25 and went to uni, now i work as a manager and dj in radio... i'm an assistant programme director and presenter of an afternoon show. I live with my girlfriend who is 20 and she never went to uni, and is trying to get a career in the media off the ground. Yet she's constantly going on about what an underacheiver I am and how i just plod along with life and she could "never live like" me, she said she'd be suicidal if she was in the same position as me at my age! Now this is a bit upsetting, especially since most of my friends seem to think I have a dream career and I earn pretty decent money from it, about three times what my friends earn. I do have aspirations of maybe one day doing networked shows and working for bigger stations, and have a few interviews coming up, yet tonight she's going on at me again about how I'm at a standstill and have been for years, just cos I've been in the same job for three years... I have got a bit bored of it recently and am now planning a move later in the year, but I only decided on this last month, she thinks I'm going at snails pace cos I havent found a new job yet. now my girl is fiercly career minded and extremely ambiotios, always striving for perfection, and in her mind she can not progress quick enough, she wants everything today, she missed out on uni as it would have "taken three years out of my life", has no friends, and gets extremely depressed, she said if she hasn''t achevied her dream career by the time shes 21 she will give up on life. Now I know she's young, but not being as fiercely career focussed as her I'm different, but it pisses me off that she thinks I'm a lay-about who dreams but doesn't get anything done. I went to uni had an awesome three years, then got a career I went to uni to get.. sucess... I have lived in a gorgeous apartment, got a nice group of friends, good workmates, yet she makes me feel lazy and an underacheiver cos I don't have everything I dream of in life by now. I'm right to feel pissed off yeah? We've just had a big fight over it, her crying cos she hasn't got her dream job yet, saying there's no point unless it all happens in the next 12 months she will give up on life, and I'm trying to console her saying that life is long and she doesn't need everything right now, then she's throwing it all back in my face, "ah what so I end up like you in five years, just at a standstill and always just plodding along in life, doing everything at a snail's pace".
crueltobekind Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 Hey, coincidentally, I happen to be in the same field as you. And, currently, in a similar 'situation.' A perfectionist is never happy because things can never be perfect. Oh sure, they might believe that everything's perfect from time-to-time, but those moments are so fleeting. A perfectionist is, in short, a controlling person. They want to control every aspect of their lives, including you and your career, etc., so they feel that - if things aren't necessarily perfect - at least they are IN CONTROL. You can never win with a person like this, unless they are willing to admit to their own shortcomings and seek help (but that would make them imperfect now, wouldn't it). Age has a lot to do with it. The older she gets the more she may see the error of her ways. The question is, however, are you willing to stick it out for the long haul? My advice would be: follow your passions, career and otherwise, and do what's right for you. And if anyone tells you that you are inferior in some way, don't engage in a debate about it. Listen to them, turn around, and get the hell out of their neighborhood. They are a cancer that will start making you believe their B.S. if you stick around too long. You will find someone who appreciates the good in you.
Dadaal Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 " He who wants to have everything, loses everything" as simple as that. IN this life you can't be a perfectionist and the life itsef won't allow you to do so. I have a friend who is 35 yrs old and never finished un but still dreams on thinking that at age of 40 he'll be done with it. His wife tells him that he is too old to learn and all his efficiency in life was over at the age of 25 ( meaning 10 years ago) and he' s not worth of a penny. I advised him not to listen to her mere discouragements and keep on dreaming. And Iam sure he'll be able to achieve it one day.
Curmudgeon Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 Dump her and get on with your life. It will only get worse. be happy with who and what you are. Her opinions don't matter. She's no friend!
amaysngrace Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 I think you sound like you're doing great for yourself. You are going at your own pace and seem quite satisfied with how things are. I think she resents your success. I think she resents your contentment. Some people are so unhappy with themselves that they try to project their unhappiness onto others. I think she sounds like one of those people. Just do your own thing and know you're making good choices for yourself. Even if one of those choices is moving on away from her.
justanothermother Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 She has some serious issues. If it were me, I'd find someone more my own speed. Take it from someone who's been there. She'll just continue to stress you out by projecting the unhappiness within herself unto you. Who needs that?
4whatItsWorth Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 I agree she is definately putting you down to "hide" her own "unsuccess". A perfectionist will never, like mentioned, think anything is ever "good enough". Unless you want to put up with it - I think you should find a girl who will think you have an amazing career and is very successful. Good luck
dropdeadlegs Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 Not everyone has a burning desire to be at the top of their field, and even more of us understand that getting there is a journey that doesn't happen overnight. Perfectionists are often overcompensating for their own insecurities. They have to appear perfect because, often, deep inside they don't feel they are good enough. Your GF projects her own unhappiness with her current position in her career towards you. Belittling a BF is not very nice, is it? I won't tell you how to proceed, but I think you would be much happier with someone who supports your achievements, even small achievements. You seem to be happy with your successes and the rate of growth you are achieving in your profession. I can't name many people who are at the top of their field at 25. That's a fluke when it happens, not average at all. If you stay with her, and she somehow manages to pass you up in successes, the belittling will get much worse and might even be damaging to your self esteem. I would probably talk to her about this very matter-of-factly. Let her know that you are happy with your career plan, and that if she cannot be more supportive, well, you will find someone who can be. Let her know that belittling you with comments about how suicidal she would be in your shoes shows that she doesn't respect you and makes you question why she is with someone she holds in such low regard. Her behavior is a form of emotional abuse and you deserve better.
Sevenmack Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 Three words: Just dump her. The reality is this relationship isn't working for you. She's an emotional sadist and unlike a sadist in an S&M situation, isn't doing this for mutual pleasure and there are no 'safe' words to calm things down to boot. Tell her to find someone who will tolerate her crap. Then work on your issues: She's not the first control freak-emotional sadist you've had in your life; you have to find out why you let women such as her in it.
amaysngrace Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 Then work on your issues: She's not the first control freak-emotional sadist you've had in your life; you have to find out why you let women such as her in it. Did you ever think that maybe she hid this side of herself from him for a while? Some people are really good at pretending.
Sevenmack Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 I don't think people are good at hiding themselves. It's just that most of us, including men, just don't pay enough attention to realize. Or we just want to wish that someone isn't what they actually are.
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