so gutted Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 I had some very shocking, awful news today. Just when life was going well ( no men around). I saw a picture of my ex's wedding - it took place on valentines day. It was on youtube of all places. It brought back feelings I thought i'd let go off and i feel emotionally drained. Just seeing this b*s***d getting a wife makes me sick. I went out with him for 4 months. In this relationship he treated me badly, but i hung on because (sadly) I was in awe of that fact that someone wanted me, someone wanted to marry me. He often spoke of marraige. I used to make all the effort ( long distance trips to see him), he made none. He paid once in all the time I knew him. He was also redundent. Sadly - I fell for him because he seemed serious about me. He introduced me to his family and friends ( this is a very rare thing for an asian man to do). Because he let me meet his mum and dad and talked about getting married - i believed him. 2 weeks later he backed off because: I WAS FROM A DIFFERENT VILLAGE IN INDIA THEN HIM! yes its hard for westerners to believe that UK born and bred asians can be this pathetic. He didnt communicate this decision to me, he just blanked me. I later forced it out of him. He moved on within a week to another girl. I was left emotionally devastated. He had elevated me to the highest status and then fled in the cruelest way. It took me 3/4 months to begin to lift my depression and thats when i started seeing men casually, as I felt that was the safest way possible. This has proved to be even more damaging. He destroyed my confidence. Although this man was rude, arrogant, stingy, and a liar...i liked him. We got along and I believed him when he said he wanted to marry me. after all noone is perfect - i thought i could live with his faults. I should be indifferent to him getting married but im not. Im really angry and hurt. It has been a year since we split up and he has managed to move on and get married. I cant get the image of them together out of my head. I want to know if he was like this with me only or did he suddenly change ? How can a stubborn ( skint) man change? Has he led her on and lied to her? Is she mad? Why would anyone marry a no hoper who sponges of his wife? he also lives in a very nasty area. I hate myself for spending time thinking about a loser.but the image of his wedding is in my head.........i cant help thinking WHY WASNT IT ME? I need some views on this one.
polywog Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 It's hurtful to have had to find out he got married to someone else, but from what you have said about him consider yourself lucky that You didn't marry him! Lick your wounds, heal, and wait.... someone who treats you well and loves you will come along.
whichwayisup Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 PW is right. He treated you badly, and yes it hurts that he is with someone else now and got married, but just think how awful your marriage would have been if you DID marry him. You'd feel stuck, you'd feel abused by him and possibly spend many years wasting time on someone who didn't deserve your love. He wasn't worthy of YOU, that is how you have to look at this!
Author so gutted Posted February 25, 2007 Author Posted February 25, 2007 thanks. I did not expect to receive this news and i guess its shock reaction, BUT what worried me is that I still view this as a loss/ im still thinking that it could have been me. I have wrote a list of why i should be glad: 1) He never paid - always made out he was really skint ( yet he was buying a house). 2) He refered to his own father as a b*s***d - I would have lived in that same house. 3) Even though he had all these negative points he thought he could marry a woman looking like a hollywood star - his bride was anything but.He would constantly put down my looks and body size ( noone has ever said anything negative about my size before, in fact women actually wnat to be my size and height). 4) He knew details of a few brothels............ 5) His answer to whyhe was logging into the site and chatting - while seeing me was "my mate was using my id..." 6) He never paid me back once....... All this doesnt help !
lovelorcet Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 And why are you upset this guy didn't end up staying with you??? You should be happy...
Author so gutted Posted February 25, 2007 Author Posted February 25, 2007 im upset because he led me on, he promised me things and he walked away easily and got married to someone else..
lovelorcet Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 Some people are a**holes... Live and learn but most of all be happy this you didn't get stuck with this one.
Walk Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 im upset because he led me on, he promised me things and he walked away easily and got married to someone else.. So you're upset that he rejected you, yet accepted someone else? Maybe you felt that if he accepted you then you would be a good person, and all your fears about not being "good enough" would go away? You know it doesn't work like that. Someone else can not make you feel worthwhile inside. They might for a short while, but it doesn't last. I think you "needed" him because he made you feel like he needed you. That he was dependent on you. He needed you to pay, needed your effort, your time, your energy. And maybe you liked playing that role to a degree because it helped fill you with a sense of purpose. I think you'd be wise to think deeply about what really made you feel good about being with him. Try and identify what aspects he was playing on in the relationship that made you need to try so hard. Not his specific action or non-action really, but the feeling it produced in you, and why. example.. I like that my bf relies on me to vent out his frustrations at times. I also hate it at times. But I feel needed and important. Which is something I need in my life. And knowing this, I can alter a relationship (or my life) in order to fulfill this need in positive ways. Instead of finding people who vent frustrations in negative ways, I have to find people who trust me enough to open up and confide in me in healthy positive ways. And knowing this, I can find healthier relationships, and more positive interactions with people. Basically, figure out what feelings he produced in you that made you feel you needed him in your life. Then brainstorm on ways you can get those needs met in healthier and more productive ways. Once you do that, then this guy will fall into a black hole and his existence will be meaningless to you. He was far too cruel to miss in your life, and once you take back control of getting your needs met, then he won't matter anymore.
VinaAmez Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 I had some very shocking, awful news today. Just when life was going well ( no men around). I saw a picture of my ex's wedding - it took place on valentines day. It was on youtube of all places. It brought back feelings I thought i'd let go off and i feel emotionally drained. Just seeing this b*s***d getting a wife makes me sick. I went out with him for 4 months. In this relationship he treated me badly, but i hung on because (sadly) I was in awe of that fact that someone wanted me, someone wanted to marry me. He often spoke of marraige. I used to make all the effort ( long distance trips to see him), he made none. He paid once in all the time I knew him. He was also redundent. Sadly - I fell for him because he seemed serious about me. He introduced me to his family and friends ( this is a very rare thing for an asian man to do). Because he let me meet his mum and dad and talked about getting married - i believed him. 2 weeks later he backed off because: I WAS FROM A DIFFERENT VILLAGE IN INDIA THEN HIM! yes its hard for westerners to believe that UK born and bred asians can be this pathetic. He didnt communicate this decision to me, he just blanked me. I later forced it out of him. He moved on within a week to another girl. I was left emotionally devastated. He had elevated me to the highest status and then fled in the cruelest way. It took me 3/4 months to begin to lift my depression and thats when i started seeing men casually, as I felt that was the safest way possible. This has proved to be even more damaging. He destroyed my confidence. Although this man was rude, arrogant, stingy, and a liar...i liked him. We got along and I believed him when he said he wanted to marry me. after all noone is perfect - i thought i could live with his faults. I should be indifferent to him getting married but im not. Im really angry and hurt. It has been a year since we split up and he has managed to move on and get married. I cant get the image of them together out of my head. I want to know if he was like this with me only or did he suddenly change ? How can a stubborn ( skint) man change? Has he led her on and lied to her? Is she mad? Why would anyone marry a no hoper who sponges of his wife? he also lives in a very nasty area. I hate myself for spending time thinking about a loser.but the image of his wedding is in my head.........i cant help thinking WHY WASNT IT ME? I need some views on this one. Oh I've been there. Not the whole wedding thing but for me it was seeing him with another girl (GF) couple days later and SHE was so much prettier then I. She looked like something from a magazine and it was like instant hate combined with jealous. Even though I didn't want to be with him anymore it was STILL the idea of him being with someone else. Hard to explain but I was like WTF? and it was the talk of the night and I just couldn't let it go. It really did bother me but then they weren't together and then I went staight to "I knew it wouldn't last." How pathetic is that?
Author so gutted Posted February 25, 2007 Author Posted February 25, 2007 Walked - i feel like this because he gave me verbal assurances that he wanted to marry me and then he walked away over a stupid point. He didnt care to explain. Yes - he was cruel and i hope that this new person gets some of this treatment too.Ok thats bad - for me to think that but its not fair that he had this impact on me and can live his life happily with someone? I know why i feel like this - i just wanted marraige at any cost and he dangled it in front of me and then walked...i feel let down - hugely. Believe me I have tried to fullfill my life without him, by making female friends - they let me down also...hurt me...i feel worse then ever. VinaAmez - i guess you just cannot help the jealousy. its uncontrollable and against logic but what can we do? when does it go away???
Walk Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 Walked - i feel like this because he gave me verbal assurances that he wanted to marry me and then he walked away over a stupid point. He didnt care to explain. Yes - he was cruel and i hope that this new person gets some of this treatment too.Ok thats bad - for me to think that but its not fair that he had this impact on me and can live his life happily with someone? I know why i feel like this - i just wanted marraige at any cost and he dangled it in front of me and then walked...i feel let down - hugely. Believe me I have tried to fullfill my life without him, by making female friends - they let me down also...hurt me...i feel worse then ever. VinaAmez - i guess you just cannot help the jealousy. its uncontrollable and against logic but what can we do? when does it go away??? I'm having a hard time believing you. You didn't care how he treated you as long as he upheld his promise to marry you? So if a guy beats the snot out of you, kicks you, rubs poo in your hair... then that's okay as long as he marry's you?? You sold yourself out girlie. You sold yourself to the lowest bidder for a false dream. Now you're pissed that you got dealt a bum deal. You bought the shiny car with the clanking engine, and leaking oil, and now you're screaming foul because it turns out it was a lemon. All you wanted was the materialistic aspect of a relationship. Not the heart and soul of it. And in the end, you didn't get either. Not marriage, not a good relationship. You really need to look deeper into yourself. And by the way, jealousy is not necessary. You should be feeling pity for the poor girl he married. Not vindictive. She didn't take him from you. And you didn't own him. Relationships are NOT possessions. You have a bigger problem then just this guy. Do you have depression normally? Or feel like you aren't worth much? Maybe it would help if you talked to a professional? Like a counselor or something. Someone who could help you see where you're thoughts get irrational, ways to combat the negative thinking you are stuck in right now. Might be able to help you feel happier and more positive about your life in general. And the happier you are, the more attractive to others you become. Men would flock to marry a happy gorgeous girl like you, IF you felt that way about yourself on the inside.
Author so gutted Posted February 25, 2007 Author Posted February 25, 2007 Yes - i have seen 2 counsellors, unfortunatly they couldnt help me at all as they could not grasp the cultural aspect of what i feel. I get PERSECUTED and bullied by people my age within my community ( not to mention the others) for not being married. Accusations are made, i must be too fussy right? It must be my fault? it has nothing to do with the distressing quality of asian men around? Yes - he was cruel - but he was a sample of the asian men around. He was one out of a huge queue of low quality asian men controlled by their mothers. So yes - i was relying on a dream. I wasnt materialistic - as he had no money? i was looking for a SOLUTION to an impossible situation. can you not see that? I was looking for a way out and he let me believe he was it. He led me on.
Pretty Fly Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 I get PERSECUTED and bullied by people my age within my community ( not to mention the others) for not being married. Accusations are made, i must be too fussy right? It must be my fault? it has nothing to do with the distressing quality of asian men around? Wow, really? Yes - he was cruel - but he was a sample of the asian men around. He was one out of a huge queue of low quality asian men controlled by their mothers. Do you feel you have to be married to an asian man? Are you attracted to non-asian men?
VinaAmez Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 VinaAmez - i guess you just cannot help the jealousy. its uncontrollable and against logic but what can we do? when does it go away??? Oh you have no idea how jealous I was. It just ticked me off to no end. Eventually time heals all I guess and I just got over it. I mean if he's as bad as you make it sound, did you REALLY want to end up with him?
Author so gutted Posted February 25, 2007 Author Posted February 25, 2007 No - I dont want to marry an asian man at all now. I went through that period, met loads of idoits like the one above ( all had no jobs/money let alone dwellings). I have now dated a few non asian men - but they dont want the level of commitment i do.........and the fact that i have been emotionally persecuted for so long has had an impact on my personality. I try my best to be positive but the negativity re men just creeps out. I am NOT exaggerating about the cr*p i get from the so called friends/family support network. The women my age ( from the uk) contiously ask why im not married - like i have cancer>? they then make very bitchy comments like - sooner or later you are not going to be able to have kids.........the men are just as bad....they only consider fertile 20 yearolds. Im fed up of this added pressure and prejudice.
Walk Posted February 26, 2007 Posted February 26, 2007 I am NOT exaggerating about the cr*p i get from the so called friends/family support network. The women my age ( from the uk) contiously ask why im not married - like i have cancer>? they then make very bitchy comments like - sooner or later you are not going to be able to have kids.........the men are just as bad....they only consider fertile 20 yearolds. Im fed up of this added pressure and prejudice. I used to get the comments about marriage and crap a lot too. Maybe not to the degree you're talking about, but enough to make me feel extremely pressured. I found the best way to deal with it is by either being blunt to a degree of harshness, or be crude and sarcastic. Either/or works pretty well. (And they aren't your friends if they can't lay off the insinuations that you're flawed if you're not married) Next time they say something, gasp in amazement and look at your ring finger like you suddenly lost the hope diamond, and start balling. Or give them a blank stare for a moment, then calmly say to them that your a lesbian, and ask if they're proposing. Or (one I've found works really well) stop them mid-sentence, and say "If you bring up marriage one more time then you are no longer my friend, and I have no desire to speak to you again." I used that one on my brother. He's never mentioned it again. Not only do these things stop the ridiculous proclamations of "why aren't you married yet", but they also vent frustrations and anger that are probably so backed up in you that you're ready to beat someone anyway.
Trialbyfire Posted February 26, 2007 Posted February 26, 2007 Hahahahaha....love the lesbian aspect. I think I'm beginning to grasp a little more about the cultural aspect of this. You sound quite traditional is some ways. Are your parents traditional enough to make arrangements for you?
Pretty Fly Posted February 26, 2007 Posted February 26, 2007 According to the BBC News website recently, the average age to get married in the UK is 36 for a man and 33 for a woman. I get the impression that you're younger than that, so by no means are you "weird".
Guest Posted February 27, 2007 Posted February 27, 2007 hi - no the days have goen where parents can (sucessfully) sort out their kids. Now they tell us to look. I 'm not in complate limbo now. Im more angry then anything. At him, at my mates at the whole world. and angry that HE triggered all this. I want to stop wasting negative energy on this worthless piece of sht but questions keep coming up, like is HAS HE CHANGED? Was it me? I refuse to accept that he could get his whole life in order AND change his personality let alone pay for anything this new wife needs..........ahhhhhh im doing it again.
Walk Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 hi - no the days have goen where parents can (sucessfully) sort out their kids. Now they tell us to look. I 'm not in complate limbo now. Im more angry then anything. At him, at my mates at the whole world. and angry that HE triggered all this. I want to stop wasting negative energy on this worthless piece of sht but questions keep coming up, like is HAS HE CHANGED? Was it me? I refuse to accept that he could get his whole life in order AND change his personality let alone pay for anything this new wife needs..........ahhhhhh im doing it again. I know it's hard to accept situations in life... and I'd bet big money on the fact that he's still an ass, and still doing the same things to this girl as he did to you. Or, at best.. he's been on good behavior long enough to get her to accept his proposal and he'll revert back to his "normal" behavior soon after the honeymoon. However, when you dated him, you didn't love him for who he was, he was just a vehicle for marriage to you. The mindset probably affected your actions toward him (and non-actions). Potentially there were enough incompatibility issues on top of this fact that caused him to believe the relationship wasn't worth pursuing anymore. It wasn't that you aren't "good enough", just not what he was looking for in a life long partner. Can you honestly say that he made a bad decision in not marrying you, when you KNOW that the main reason you were with him is FOR marriage? You weren't with him because he was an awesome guy and you loved him to death. You weren't with him because you wanted to spend eternity with him and bear his children because he was so great. How can you judge him as a liar and cheat, when you were using him to get something you wanted? Also, he probably didn't change from who you remember him as.... But the person he is dating may have produced a more positive attitude from him, which could have caused him to treat her better. Her actions toward who he was as an individual may cause him to react in different ways then he reacted with you. Which may be more compatible toward a relationship that progressed to marriage, then was evident in your relationship. Short answer... cause and effect. You acted one way, which could potentially cause a person to react a certain way. Change the stimulus and it may have changed the reaction. Other possibility ... the other girl is far more desperate for marriage and was willing to prostrate herself even further than you were, so she won the "gold". You won't get a good relationship that will last unless you rearrange your priorities for what is important in a partner. When the only value you place on a human is their capacity to garner you something, then you'll end up bitter, resentful and angry at life.
Guest Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 thats a good way of looking at it. I didnt realise how "business like" it seemed. Yes my sole aim was to marry him regardless. Sadly the only thing that would have stopped me was if he hit me or something like that. I gave him money. I let him pathetically call me, give me missed calls or calls to say "do u have any free minutes, babes". I called him back each and every time and when i refused to do so on financial grounds, he called me stingy. I think talking about this experience really helps. Yes - she probably played "goody goody" and massaged his ego. No doubt she also came through the family connection route, so he based the whole thing on a few conversations and a few well manned ( by her family meeting) - the risk few high return investment. I just do not want to make the same mistake again, which is scary coz a year later, im a year older and the stakes are higher. Im completly vunerable to do it again, as im in a worse position for the asian man market, im old.
Pretty Fly Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 How old are you, if you don't mind me asking? Why put yourself through what sounds like a completely demoralising experience (ie people saying you'll be too old to have kids etc) just to be married to an asian guy? Are they really that different/better than white/black/any other race guy?
Guest Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 i turn 30 soon. I guess I put myself through this because its what im used to. I have grown up the "asian way" so I feel this is all I know. It only through these experiences that I have learnt that being asian is the actual obstacle. The men are brought up as kings, many of them have little respect for women and reply on their mummy to sort out the biggest decision in their lives ( marriage) because they are too scared of being rejected by women like me. They 96% of the time go for un-intelligent/ok looking women as then they can control and manipulate them If you get one from the homeland then its really good because you can always get your way - as the threat of returning to a developing country is too great. I have met many men like this and far far worse. The norm ( I speak for others I also know) is that the guy is too stingy to make a telephone call. They normally do not have good jobs/ sometimes no job at all/ they live with mummy/for some reason they will not allow a woman to work ( even if they have no job) and the attitude is always one of control. After all they can get wife number 2 ( and 3 and 4) if you play up. That is how it is and thats the so called good ones.
Pretty Fly Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 I just do not want to make the same mistake again, which is scary coz a year later, im a year older and the stakes are higher. Im completly vunerable to do it again, as im in a worse position for the asian man market, im old. My words of advice: 1. If you aren't only attracted to asian men, don't limit yourself to "the asian man market". I know 3 guys who're married to Indian girls and one who is in a serious relationship with 1. None of them act in the way you say this guys do towards you. I've been out with an Indian girl myself. She broke it off with me because she was concerned about what I'd think about the whole "pressure to get married" thing and leave her in the lurch just when it was expected she should be married and hence she'd be back at square 1. This was a real shame as I thought we had something really special. This leads me to point number 2: I'm sure the pressure to get married is in some way meant to be in your own best interests, but in reality in can be really counter-productive, as in my situation above. Marriage, in my view, is something you do once you've found somebody you feel you want to be married to, it isn't something you NEED to do asap and so to be able to do it, must find somebody fast! You only get one life, live it how it makes you happy, not how other people expect you to. 3. I keep quoting this on other threads, but here it is again... the average age to marry in the UK currently is 36 for men and 33 for women. You are a year older, but the stakes are not higher! You are by no means weird because you aren't engaged to be married, and you are by no means "past it". Don't let people make you think that you are!!
CardPlay3r Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 gutted, you need to get away from that neanderthal indian culture...it is simply brainwashing. Be thankful you didn't marry him you would have probably been set up for a lot more hurt than you have now You wanting to get married at all cost is because of the stupid culture you were raised in...it's much better to be single and happy than married and miserable.
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