oppath Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 Ok, some of my depression is the result of my semi-recent breakup, but I was already heading that direction. I've battled mild-to-severe depression on and off the past 4 years, and have been in and out of therapy and on medications as needed. If I'm really bad for more than 2 weeks, I schedule an appointment ASAP. I take care of myself and do everything in my power to cure this disease: therapy, medication, keeping myself busy and social as much as possible, and exercising 5 times a week. I know it takes time. Sadly, even though I force myself to be social, I am NOT my normal self right now. I am a little withdrawn even if I am present. This is effecting my flirting, since I can't sustain energy, and it's even prevented me from asking a girl or two out on a date. I don't have irrational thoughts while talking to these women, such as "they probably wouldn't like me"; I just feel down and lack my typical energy. It is still too soon for me to engage in a "relationship", but it's not too soon to be taking social risks and casually dating. The difficulty is that I am depressed and that comes off as lacking confidence in most regards. I can talk positively about things, but after a few minutes of flirting I'm spent. I suspect it will take me a couple months to get over this depression. It always takes 4-6 months, then I'll have 6 good months, then slip again, then come out of it. I want to start dating again but I know I'm not going to be my usual self and this will make it more difficult. Any tips from people who have struggled with this. I am NOT just blue from my last breakup. I have a medical disease that I may deal with the rest of my life. I understand it well and know how to combat it, but I'd like my dating life to be less affected. Also, I don't have a bundle of issues. Depression is not a weakness, etc. I don't bring problems to the table. My depression is caused by (1) close friends moving away; I am engaged in clubs, classes, other events to meet new people. (2) My phd project failed after 3.5 years through NO fault of my own and the funding was revoked. I am high and dry. I'm actually taking a leave of absence and leaving town for a $$$ paid internship where I'm basically a consultant. I'm doing this to clear my mind professionally and step back and learn what I want to do. (3) Biology. It runs in my family and I'll likely always have some mild outbreaks. (4) Girls. (1) and (2) are the biggest reasons for me being blue. Number 3 I have little control over. Number 4 is a long story and yes, my recent breakup is part of it. Dating when depressed can either lift me out of my depression (not all the way) or make me feel worse. Normally I'd advise "work on healing yourself and your depression first, that way, you'll be happy and confident and will attract someone into your life." The problem is that this is something I'll likely always deal with -- and I can deal with it -- but I don't feel putting my dating life on hold all the time is the solution. I don't act angry, I don't act irrational, I'm still an enjoyable person to be around. I've learned how to manage my depression quite well and most people wouldn't really know. I don't bring difficult issues to the table because I've sought treatment and know how to battle this disease.
Spinderella Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 i dont think you should let it stop you from dating. everyone has issues of one kind or another and everybody should continue throughout life to work on self improvement, and ideally we should be whole and healthy before we enter into relationships. i dont know anybody who is. so long as you dont use the relationship or person as a crutch and continue healing yourself and being self aware, then sometimes love from somebody else can help you a little bit and you can reciprocate that help. having said all of that, you dont sound like you are over your ex at all, and although casual dating is fine, just make sure that all parties know how casual things are.
Author oppath Posted February 25, 2007 Author Posted February 25, 2007 No, I am not over my ex. But I think part of that is because of the depression. It is one of those twisted feedbacks. I actually don't intend to start anything with anyone. When I move for my internship I do intend to casually date, but since it is time limited, I will be upfront: in town for 4 months then leaving for at least 3 years. My post also applies to more than just RIGHT NOW. I've struggled with depression at multiple points in my life and I expect I will again! Leaving the ex out of the equation, and let's say I swear of dating for 2 more months, I still expect to feel depressed at some point over the next couple years. There are environmental reasons for this (unless I choose not to finish my PhD). So, this thread is general: if you are depressed, how can you project a more confident self when you can't sustain energetic interactions?
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