Wonder what is going thru HER head?

[Impudent Oyster]

"I can just hear the conversation now... "Do you think I would cheat on you w/ HER? Come on, I can't believe you would think I would be attracted to her." Or he would just laugh."

 

Yep, that IS what he will say, it's what they all say, and where will a conversation like that get you? All it will do is put him on notice.

 

Look, if I were you I'd lay low for a bit longer before you warn him, which is essentially what bringing it up now is going to do. Just be patient and watch closely, you really have nothing to go by yet, he can easily explain the phone calls as coaching stuff and then turn it around and make it look like you're the crazy suspicious wife. Don't do it, he's got nothing to lose and you might just look like a jealous wife.

 

If I were you, I'd step up the surveillance and wait. You have nothing to lose by waiting, and who knows, you just might find out that you ARE overly suspicious for no reason, but at least you will be the only one who knows that.

[a4a]

 

Maybe this woman is just that way, not a very social person. Doesn't like small talk, crap like that.

 

And I know this is way off topic but maybe she is just plain jealous of woman who are more attractive of her. This woman, and I know it's mean to say, is very butch. There isn't a feminine bone in her body besides the huge diamond ear rings she wears. Her hair cut reminds me of a military man's hair cut. My mom has known her for years and says she has always been that way.

 

 

Are you sure she is not a lesbian?

 

Hell so many of our friends wives don't like me because I have nothing to say to them, nothing in common to chat about in the kitchen.

 

BB is common ground maybe? Approach her on that topic... "good game" blah blah.

 

The kitchen chickens hate me too...... I mean geeze I was talking to my best friends fiance about Jeeps for almost an hour.... but she did not get jealous. I don't talk about shoes, hair, or what Oprah said yesterday.... so I stay out of the kitchen chicken lair as well. Nothing to say to them.... don't share baby stories or recipes with them. The husbands and I can talk about business, cars, and joke. So I do enjoy those conversations. Wives don't like it I guess?

 

Maybe she is avoiding you because you are sending out some form of signal that she is picking up on. Are you staring or making faces in her direction?

[whichwayisup]

And I know this is way off topic but maybe she is just plain jealous of woman who are more attractive of her. This woman, and I know it's mean to say, is very butch. There isn't a feminine bone in her body besides the huge diamond ear rings she wears. Her hair cut reminds me of a military man's hair cut.

 

Well, then it is possible that he notices this too, that she's butch.

 

When you talk to him, and I think you should because this IS eating you up, just speak from your heart. Be honest, tell him how you are feeling. Don't accuse him of anything just let him know you're not comfortable with the amount of times she calls, and how odd she acts around you. Short, sweet and to the point. He'll hopefully listen to you and make you feel more secure. IF by chance he gets angry, then suggest you two go back into MC and sort things out.

[mopar crazy]

Are you sure she is not a lesbian? Hell so many of our friends wives don't like me because I have nothing to say to them, nothing in common to chat about in the kitchen.

 

BB is common ground maybe? Approach her on that topic... "good game" blah blah.

 

The kitchen chickens hate me too...... I mean geeze I was talking to my best friends fiance about Jeeps for almost an hour.... but she did not get jealous. I don't talk about shoes, hair, or what Oprah said yesterday.... so I stay out of the kitchen chicken lair as well. Nothing to say to them.... don't share baby stories or recipes with them. The husbands and I can talk about business, cars, and joke. So I do enjoy those conversations. Wives don't like it I guess?

 

Maybe she is avoiding you because you are sending out some form of signal that she is picking up on. Are you staring or making faces in her direction?

 

 

LMBO!!! Well, she could definitely pass as one if no one knew her. That's bad....I shouldn't stereotype.

 

 

You and I are too much alike! I would rather sit w/ a bunch of guys, drink beer, and hear them BS about cars and tell a bunch of dirty jokes than sit in a room full of women and talk about women stuff. There are times where I do like to talk women stuff but usually not. However, I'm far from being butch, lol.

 

 

Ya know, I have been paying more attention to how they act towards each other and maybe she has noticed me watching her more closely and is freaked out by me, lol. I don't stare at her or make funny faces, lol. I just glance over once in awhile when she and H are talking.

 

IO, I agree w/ you, at some point, but WWIU has good points also. She knows how much this is bugging the crap out of me lately. I want to talk to him but just waiting for the right opportunity. Last night I was out and didn't get home until late and he was already at work. This morning he came home and went to bed.

 

I plan on talking to him some time this weekend.

[mopar crazy]

Ok, I just threw it out there. I asked him why she hasn't called in awhile and he said "B/c there isn't any games for awhile to discuss." Then the SOB said "Awwwww, are we jealous?" I laughed and said "Jealous of her?" I said "Just put it this way...if a guy was calling me about work all the time you would get pissed but it's ok for you and this woman to be calling each other all the time about BB." He didn't say anything. I dropped it. See...I knew it would be the answer I knew it would be....BB. It was a waisted conversation, IMO.

[whichwayisup]

Then the SOB said "Awwwww, are we jealous?"

 

What a poop-head!

 

He knows it is bugging you, and masked it with a joke. To get out of it, he down played it.

 

Wish you would have said "Actually, I'm not jealous, I'm more concerned because you two seem to have alot in common and it's starting to make me think."

 

It may have been a wasted conversation in that moment, but I think you still need to talk to him. Nothing was solved, you didn't get to say what you really wanted to say to him. Later on tell him what he said to you earlier about you being jealous is bugging you - THEN tell him how you've been feeling and thinking. Don't be afraid, just say it!! Atleast getting it out YOU will feel better.

[mopar crazy]

What a poop-head!

 

He knows it is bugging you, and masked it with a joke. To get out of it, he down played it.

 

Wish you would have said "Actually, I'm not jealous, I'm more concerned because you two seem to have alot in common and it's starting to make me think."

 

It may have been a wasted conversation in that moment, but I think you still need to talk to him. Nothing was solved, you didn't get to say what you really wanted to say to him. Later on tell him what he said to you earlier about you being jealous is bugging you - THEN tell him how you've been feeling and thinking. Don't be afraid, just say it!! Atleast getting it out YOU will feel better.

I pm'ed ya. We had another talk and of course it's always the same thing.....it is just about BB!

[Romeo Must Die]

In answer to your first q, what is going through her head??? As usual, there is an opportunity. Then there is motives. You dont know if she has a history, if she is an emotional imbecile (incapable of filtering WS speak) mistaking his attention for love.

 

You don't know wether or not she would be wiling to have an affair. You dont know if she is capable of deceit. You just dont know someones true character until it's too late. You dont know until it's too late, until they have already crossed the line, so why even bother getting that close.

 

A WS has to learn all over again how to become a good husband. You just dont stop in the middle of the road because the A is over. This is the hard work, to rebuild trust. It's a constant. If he is not capable of pulling his weight and you have to babysit him, then what do you have to fight for?

 

He is lacking boundaries and they are not negotiable for anybody. Your marriage should be a priority aboove and beyond coaching and the co-captian. If you are arguing over this person, there is already a problem and all roads lead back to FWS.

 

Also, it doesnt matter if she is married or not, we all know that. Don't delude yourself. It doesnt mean anything. A ring doesnt protect you from infidelity. Her marriage is not a safeguard that will protect you from infidelity. A MM/MW affair just produces more casualties. They dont care.

 

And I really dont like the way he talks (down) to you. He has balls to make that "jealous" comment, especially coming from a FWS. I would have said, FU*CK YOU! The way I see it is he is trying to intimidate you for trying to stand up for yourself. It's a emotional control thing. Mopar, don't you have any value for yourself? Then stand up for yourself, sweetheart.

 

It's time that bitch found her own ride and somebody else to talk to for a change. Put your biker boot down and do not put up with this before you find yourself backsliding more and more. What are you doing it for? You don't want this.

 

[mopar crazy]

In answer to your first q, what is going through her head??? As usual, there is an opportunity. Then there is motives. You dont know if she has a history, if she is an emotional imbecile (incapable of filtering WS speak) mistaking his attention for love.

 

You don't know wether or not she would be wiling to have an affair. You dont know if she is capable of deceit. You just dont know someones true character until it's too late. You dont know until it's too late, until they have already crossed the line, so why even bother getting that close.

 

A WS has to learn all over again how to become a good husband. You just dont stop in the middle of the road because the A is over. This is the hard work, to rebuild trust. It's a constant. If he is not capable of pulling his weight and you have to babysit him, then what do you have to fight for?

 

He is lacking boundaries and they are not negotiable for anybody. Your marriage should be a priority aboove and beyond coaching and the co-captian. If you are arguing over this person, there is already a problem and all roads lead back to FWS.

 

Also, it doesnt matter if she is married or not, we all know that. Don't delude yourself. It doesnt mean anything. A ring doesnt protect you from infidelity. Her marriage is not a safeguard that will protect you from infidelity. A MM/MW affair just produces more casualties. They dont care.

 

And I really dont like the way he talks (down) to you. He has balls to make that "jealous" comment, especially coming from a FWS. I would have said, FU*CK YOU! The way I see it is he is trying to intimidate you for trying to stand up for yourself. It's a emotional control thing. Mopar, don't you have any value for yourself? Then stand up for yourself, sweetheart.

 

It's time that bitch found her own ride and somebody else to talk to for a change. Put your biker boot down and do not put up with this before you find yourself backsliding more and more. What are you doing it for? You don't want this.

 

 

 

Thanks! I was wondering where you were, glad to see ya back! Anyhow, I agree about his jealous comment. It was a put down to my feelings and it pissed me off. I had to leave the room. When I came back in after I cooled down for a while I told him I didn't like the jealous comment. He said he didn't know why he said that. Ok, whatever makes himself look better for saying it. I told him I was NOT jealous of her. I would rather be 30 lbs OW like I am now than look like her and she is thin. I told him that I feel they are getting a little too close w/ all the phone calls. He asked me if I noticed she hasn't been calling and I said yes. He said it's b/c their is no games for another two weeks and there is no reason for them to be calling each other.

[jmargel]

Ok, I just threw it out there. I asked him why she hasn't called in awhile and he said "B/c there isn't any games for awhile to discuss." Then the SOB said "Awwwww, are we jealous?" I laughed and said "Jealous of her?" I said "Just put it this way...if a guy was calling me about work all the time you would get pissed but it's ok for you and this woman to be calling each other all the time about BB." He didn't say anything. I dropped it. See...I knew it would be the answer I knew it would be....BB. It was a waisted conversation, IMO.

 

That's when you lay the law down. I would have reacted in this kinda way

 

'Jealous? Nope, just upset to think that after you cheated on me once that you would have the nerve to say something like that and continue this behavior knowing that I could walk away from this marriage because of your attitude and immaturity.

 

I'm done looking after you and this marriage and if you want to change things around with us, then you better start changing your ways.'

 

Like I said you two really need counseling. This isn't a healthy marriage right now and the more you pursue this the more jollies he's getting out of it. From now on, be cold to him, be distant. Don't tell him you 'love him' first. Let him wonder what is going on.

[mopar crazy]

Jm, we did discuss MC yesterday. To my surprise he thinks we should do it HOWEVER, the last time we paid a ***** load of $ for MC it didn't do a damn bit of good. That is why I just thinking "The he!! w/ this M. He wont change. He will always have this immature attitude about it and I'm tired of dealing w/ his behavior."

 

I think he likes it, and feeds off me being upset about him being in touch w/ another woman. I think it feeds his stupid ego that I would be upset about this.

[Romeo Must Die]

Yeah I know I read the whole thread and the outcome of your discussion. I was just saying that I would have felt exactly the same way if it happened to me. I'm glad you are here too because we have so much in common, going through the reconcilliation process. I may need you to rely on for advice when we take a step back!

 

I just wanted you to know you were heard, and that youre not wrong and it sure as heck doesnt sound like you are jealous to me, reconcilling spouses deserve alot more credit than that. Men who have had affairs have no right to be so high handed with their instant judgements.

 

As long as he is taking more steps forward than back, you should be okay, but dont expect this co-captian to back off. They dont. They move right in on your life like they belong there. I no longer believe people are that innocent as they seem anymore.

 

FWS has to learn to keep boundaries and if they don't seem to get it, then they need to figure it out pretty damn quick. You can teach an old dog new tricks. The BS set the tone in R, and if you dont like the way things are going, then you need to speak up and take a stand for yourself, without being shy about it or else you will set the standard for his women friends to walk all over you in the future.

[Mz. Pixie]

'Jealous? Nope, just upset to think that after you cheated on me once that you would have the nerve to say something like that and continue this behavior knowing that I could walk away from this marriage because of your attitude and immaturity.

 

I'm done looking after you and this marriage and if you want to change things around with us, then you better start changing your ways.'

 

 

Good advice J!

 

Mopar- I just hate the way he talked to you because respectfully I've never seen in your posts how he actually contributes to this marriage in the first place.

[jmargel]

Jm, we did discuss MC yesterday. To my surprise he thinks we should do it HOWEVER, the last time we paid a ***** load of $ for MC it didn't do a damn bit of good. That is why I just thinking "The he!! w/ this M. He wont change. He will always have this immature attitude about it and I'm tired of dealing w/ his behavior."

 

I think he likes it, and feeds off me being upset about him being in touch w/ another woman. I think it feeds his stupid ego that I would be upset about this.

 

Most insurances will cover counseling so find one that does. When I went we only had like a $20 co pay for each visit.

 

If you don't want to continue the marriage that is your decision, but I would really have a heart to heart talk with him, or better yet write out a letter telling him how you feel and where you think things are headed. Be precise and try to communicate with him as clearly as you can.

[Guest]

I can't believe how he tried to goad you with the jealousy comment. How can he act like he's sorry for doing what he did to you(the affair)and say things like that? He can't be sorry if he continues to try and hurt you like that?

 

First thing I'd do is demand the female get a ride from someone else and no more phone calls. If he's not doing anything (affair wise) then he'll hvae no problems with it.

You HAVE to stand your ground, Mopar. He will walk all over you if you don't. You deserve so much better!

[mopar crazy]

Yeah I know I read the whole thread and the outcome of your discussion. I was just saying that I would have felt exactly the same way if it happened to me. I'm glad you are here too because we have so much in common, going through the reconcilliation process. I may need you to rely on for advice when we take a step back!

 

I just wanted you to know you were heard, and that youre not wrong and it sure as heck doesnt sound like you are jealous to me, reconcilling spouses deserve alot more credit than that. Men who have had affairs have no right to be so high handed with their instant judgements.

 

As long as he is taking more steps forward than back, you should be okay, but dont expect this co-captian to back off. They dont. They move right in on your life like they belong there. I no longer believe people are that innocent as they seem anymore.

 

FWS has to learn to keep boundaries and if they don't seem to get it, then they need to figure it out pretty damn quick. You can teach an old dog new tricks. The BS set the tone in R, and if you dont like the way things are going, then you need to speak up and take a stand for yourself, without being shy about it or else you will set the standard for his women friends to walk all over you in the future.

 

RMD,

If you ever need to talk outside the forum here PM me anytime, k? I think it helps to get support and advice from others who have been through infidelity. It something no one ever wants to be and I know it's one place I never, ever thought I would be. Eleven years of M and 13 years of being w/ someone you shared your dreams, fears, life, children w/ and they do this is total he!! to go through.

 

I can't remember who said it in this thread, it might have been you or another poster but wanted to clear something up. H didn't offer to give this woman a ride to the game, he asked her if he catch a ride w/ her. H had to work the night b4 the game and got off about 7 am. They had to be at the gym where the team played at 8:30. H works in town (20 miles from were we live and where she lives). Our daughter's team didn't play until around noon so I didn't have to be there until 11:30. The game was an hour away. H said he would see if he could catch a ride from this other coach so I wouldn't have to go to the game so early as our daughter wouldn't be playing anyhow. So, actually he saved me from having to get up and ready three hours b4 she needed to be there. That part I was thankful for but still bugged me. They had two teams playing, daughter played in the second game.

 

Pixie, I know you have been helping me out in the last year and I really appreciate it. Yes, I was pissed w/ him thinking I should get another job to make up for the crap job he took when his other job was going to *****. Thankfully he did get another job that pays a lot better, has better benefits, and can go a lot further up the ladder than the last job. In the last several months H has busted his butt to work a lot of OT (which he couldn't do at his last job) just so we can pay for our child's braces that she needs. He has also been working a lot of OT for me. He said he wants to give me nice things and has NP working OT to help me get the things I want (w/in reason of course, I know what we can and can not afford). I'm not a high maintenance woman. I'm not very materialistic, just ask my H. I want nice things, yes but I'm know what I can afford and H has tried to help me get things buy working OT.

 

jm, thanks again for taking the time to help me out w/ all this. H and I had a long talk on our weekend out together. He told me that there is nothing going on w/ this woman, and he said he made a HUGE mistake w/ his first A he wouldn't do it again. He said he knows how much it hurt me and he thinks now our M has improved (which it has besides this fall back) and he wouldn't want to do something so stupid to screw it up again. It didn't really help much but he said I should give him more credit than what I have been for thinking he would actually have an A w/ this woman.

 

She has not called, and he has not called either in 2 weeks. I would think if there was something really going on she would be calling, or he would be calling her. He is home every morning right after work and home every night unless he goes and does things w/ our kids.

[silktricks]

H and I had a long talk on our weekend out together. He told me that there is nothing going on w/ this woman, and he said he made a HUGE mistake w/ his first A he wouldn't do it again.

 

Sweetie, be careful. It's really easy to fall into negative thought patterns - especially when dealing with marriage problems. It wasn't his FIRST affair - right? It was his one and only.

 

It's way too easy for someone who has been betrayed to get into the idea that we are going to be betrayed again. It seems to me that this has been mostly fear on your part, and poor communication skills on your husbands. The woman? Well - it just seems like maybe she has some problems that you don't really need to worry about.

[mopar crazy]

Sweetie, be careful. It's really easy to fall into negative thought patterns - especially when dealing with marriage problems. It wasn't his FIRST affair - right? It was his one and only.

 

It's way too easy for someone who has been betrayed to get into the idea that we are going to be betrayed again. It seems to me that this has been mostly fear on your part, and poor communication skills on your husbands. The woman? Well - it just seems like maybe she has some problems that you don't really need to worry about.

Yes, his only A. And it better be his only A b/c if he does it again to me...well, lets just say I wont be so nice when Dday hits and when I kick his a$$ out and file for a D.

 

Some days are better than others w/ the trust crap. Riding the trust rollcoaster day after day is really starting to get me

[Mz. Pixie]

Pixie, I know you have been helping me out in the last year and I really appreciate it. Yes, I was pissed w/ him thinking I should get another job to make up for the crap job he took when his other job was going to *****. Thankfully he did get another job that pays a lot better, has better benefits, and can go a lot further up the ladder than the last job. In the last several months H has busted his butt to work a lot of OT (which he couldn't do at his last job) just so we can pay for our child's braces that she needs. He has also been working a lot of OT for me. He said he wants to give me nice things and has NP working OT to help me get the things I want (w/in reason of course, I know what we can and can not afford). I'm not a high maintenance woman. I'm not very materialistic, just ask my H. I want nice things, yes but I'm know what I can afford and H has tried to help me get things buy working OT.

 

Well this is certainly positive news-glad to hear it!

[Romeo Must Die]

What I am saying is that this little innocent ride to the game gives them the opportunity to be alone together, and no matter who gave who the ride, you need to be the one who giving the rides, because you don't need another woman doing favors for your husband. I wouldn't be cool with her calling him either. No explanation necessary. I'm sure you felt a little something in your gut telling you to be careful.

 

Speaking of giving rides... I have been driving Romeo to work and back because my sports car is no good in this snow, so I have been using his truck, and I noticed the xOW driving (trolling) around his work last Friday at 5:12pm, and then again last Monday night when I went to pick him up. I got there on time, but he kept me waiting and she cruised by at 5:16. I don't think she knew I was there in the truck and that I saw her. You know I don't believe in coincedences. She's up to no good. Romeo and I are doing fine otherwise. He is buying me an SUV and is always close.

 

[mopar crazy]

What I am saying is that this little innocent ride to the game gives them the opportunity to be alone together, and no matter who gave who the ride, you need to be the one who giving the rides, because you don't need another woman doing favors for your husband. I wouldn't be cool with her calling him either. No explanation necessary. I'm sure you felt a little something in your gut telling you to be careful.

 

Speaking of giving rides... I have been driving Romeo to work and back because my sports car is no good in this snow, so I have been using his truck, and I noticed the xOW driving (trolling) around his work last Friday at 5:12pm, and then again last Monday night when I went to pick him up. I got there on time, but he kept me waiting and she cruised by at 5:16. I don't think she knew I was there in the truck and that I saw her. You know I don't believe in coincedences. She's up to no good. Romeo and I are doing fine otherwise. He is buying me an SUV and is always close.

 

 

Thanks Pix! I'm glad too

 

RMD, he wasn't alone w/ this woman. Her daughter and a friend of hers (or two) were w/ them also so they weren't alone on the drive there.

 

I wonder why his xOW has been trolling around your H's place of employment? Does she have any other reason to be around there such as another business she may go to? If not, then it sounds like she is obessessed w/ your H and trying to find how his life is going now that she isn't in it. I would be really annoyed by her behavior. Glad to hear things are going good for the both of you and he continues to show how much he loves you and realizes what a stupid mistake he made.

 

My H's xOW doesn't live around here. She still lives in the same town she lived in during their A which is 2 hours away. After he ended their A to work on our M my eyes were always peeled looking to see if it was her driving around town if I seen a car that was like hers. I don't think she would of been that stupid to drive all the way up here to try to find him. Besides, she started seeing another co-worker shortly after he broke it off w/ her so she was busy w/ him and leaving us alone. Their R lasted 2 years and he broke it off w/ her. I'm sure she is w/ someone new again. She doesn't seem to be a type of woman that wants or likes to be w/o a man in her life.

[ohmy3]

when you brought this UP why would he act so Arrangant? (like he was Amused by the PAIN , that you were wondering YET about another Women in his life? ) Ugly or NOt big or small EGO is EGO.(and if he gets highs off the EGO boost & attention From OW and NOW you More so that he knows your upset & have told him of feeling threatened by the freindship they have formed)............. Hope you can handle all the stuff he seems so RELAX about doing................. If nothing is going on as you seem to want to make yourself think (maybe NOT) Reguardless IF you have made it clear you feel unhappy about what his behavior w/ OW is and he was RUDE and had an attitude to you tell him to KISS YOUR A!! He should be kissing yours if he wanted to be in a strong marriage w/ you!

[ohmy3]

futhermore, yes great he got another job to earn more $ to get you outta a $ hole............... BUT don't sell yourself short here as you said 's been buying me more things (working overtime to save to buy me things i want/need) that can be out of clear gulit! BUYING your happiness and if you accept it then that what you will get nice things But a Cheating man! w/ no reguard to however his behavior is will affect you (KEYWORD YOU)

[ohmy3]

futhermore, yes great he got another job to earn more $ to get you outta a $ hole............... BUT don't sell yourself short here as you said 's been buying me more things (working overtime to save to buy me things i want/need) that can be out of clear gulit! BUYING your happiness and if you accept it then that what you will get nice things But a Cheating man! w/ no reguard to however his behavior is will affect you (KEYWORD YOU) ~ SORRY for any wrong key strokes, I have horses awating stall cleaning and I am in a hurry but had to reply before i headed out to barn~

[mopar crazy]

futhermore, yes great he got another job to earn more $ to get you outta a $ hole............... BUT don't sell yourself short here as you said 's been buying me more things (working overtime to save to buy me things i want/need) that can be out of clear gulit! BUYING your happiness and if you accept it then that what you will get nice things But a Cheating man! w/ no reguard to however his behavior is will affect you (KEYWORD YOU) ~ SORRY for any wrong key strokes, I have horses awating stall cleaning and I am in a hurry but had to reply before i headed out to barn~

 

Thanks for taking your time to reply back to my thread even though you needed to go clean out stalls. I know what a time consuming job that is as I use to have a horse (and hope to again one of these days). My sister has a horse so at least I am close to some one who does have one.

 

Anyhow, back to the topic at hand. You seem so angry in your threads. Sorry if I'm way off but have you been through infidelity also and this just upsets you? Sorry if you aren't angry, it just seems like you are. It's hard to know some one's emotions in writing sometimes.

 

Anyhow, I honestly don't think it's all about guilt about H wanting to give me more things. He has always been that way, from the time we dated until now. And believe me, he wasn't cheating on me either.

 

About his response to me when I asked him about him and this other coach, about me being jealous. THAT did piss me off! When he said that he was making it clear to me he was getting a big ego boost out of me questioning him about her. I was clearly not trying to raise his ego. I'm not really jealous of the coaching R they have. What I am concerned about is IF he is cheating on me w/ her I WANT to know so I can get out of this M. That is my main concern. I refuse to played a fool again.