citygal24 Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 Ive had a very interesting 'relationship' up until now with a certain guy. This guy works with me; well, we work in the same place but different jobs (he teacher, I psychologist). We see each other on the subway all the time and thats how we met. In the course of 2 or so months, we have probably spent 5 times a week together, give or take, and although we had our many ups and downs, things were really on the up lately. He has a strange sense of humor and it took me a bit to get used to, so that was a down. We also had a very intense relationship, so we tended to argue or kiss for hours, one of the two. He had this ex-gf that he would speak of often and I couldnt tell if he was still in love with her or if they just had one of those relationships you cant quite get over. It seemed the latter, but it is almost like he enjoyed telling me about her to either get me to be jealous or intimidated. Not sure. But then he invited me to go to SPain and other places with him for the summer, to stay with his friends that live there and run all over the country and others. I was ecstatic- I wanted nothing more than to go. I was a bit hesitant, but we reserved the ticket the other day. I didn't put money down yet but was planning to within the next few days. Anyway. As of the beginning of this week for a few days (2.5 to be exact) he never left my apartment. We had a week off of work, and he came over last Sat. to 'talk' which turned into him telling me that he had spoken to his ex-gf and she wanted to come visit him (they hadnt seen each other in 5 yrs. and I guess their relationship was still sort of up in the air seeing as they spoke often). He basically told her no, that he was seeing someone special and then he said he told her about me. He said he wanted to be with me, and that by telling her, he was sad things were truly over with them but it should show how he feels about me. Since that talk, my feelings for him heightened majorly. We practically honeymooned in my apt. They had been in the last week or so. We had this incredible connection, we had the best time together, and I never wanted him to leave my apartment. Well Mon. night things got ruined. We had an amazing night. We were lying in my bed (he stays over often). We were about to go to sleep, and I had to open my big mouth. He had been saying that he had really wanted to get to know me better, so I asked him what types of things he wanted to know. He said that he wanted to know about my sexual past. Basically, he is a virgin, he says. He is 32, devout Christian, of another culture, looking for the same type of 'purity'. I wanted to lie. I knew he was, I could tell, and I wanted to lie. But when it came down to it, I choked. I told him I wasnt (which is the truth). But the truth also is that I look at things like he does. I wish I would have waited, and i didn't, but i regret it. I went through this with my ex-bf too; he was a virgin and I wasnt and it was the same thing. But as soon as I said that, things changed. He turned away from me, got quiet, and I flipped out. It was a lot to tell him and he didnt take it well. Then he basically said it was over. He wanted to go home, but I (and Im embarassed to say so) got really upset and practically begged him to stay. In the end, he did, and after hours of talking and me crying and him trying to console me, he ended up saying he wanted to be with me and it would have to be something we wouldn't talk about. He said that if it would come up down the line, he would probably have to talk to someone, like a pastor. Then he began kissing me and making out and he held me, and asked me if I was feeling better and I said yes- when I asked him, he said not really and that he just really had to process things. Tues. morning, he woke up quickly and left very fast. Granted, he had a trip he was going on in a few hours, as did I. But EVERY time he has tried to leave fast like this, in the past Ive pulled him back in and we end up kissing for minutes. Tuesday morning, he barely looked me in the eye and he kissed me very unpassionately. I felt like a wreck. The thing is, I know I cant make him want to be with me. ANd I dont even know if I want to be with him down the road- its soon to know that. But I wanted to find out. I feel that with him, this has either ended (?) in the course of a 2 min. conversation, or it hasnt and this will always be something looming over things. I just dont know what to do- do I call him? Do I still assume we're together? He left it that way, but by his body language Im not sure if he meant it. I just have this lump in my throat and I dont know what to do. I wish I would have lied. Then none of this would have happened. I went home for 3 days and recollected myself; got out of the city. Everyone I've talked to thinks Im in some sort of manipulative relationship; I just cant help who I have feelings for. But I feel like my self-worth is being judged and thats just not right to me. Since then, he sent me 2 very bland text messages, in response to mine, while he was away. He came back last night according to him, and i havent gotten a call. Thats fine I guess, Im busy...but I wonder. I have NO clue where we stand and I have NO clue what I want. It would be nice to talk to him so that I could get a better indication. But at the same time, I don't know if I should succumb to be the one calling him and hence doing everything this week to keep things together. Yeah 2 months is not a long time; but our lives are practically engrained with work and hanging out so much afterwards. Its hard to break away from that pattern. At the same time, I do not feel like I deserve his reaction. I can understand how he feels, but my virginity (or lack of) does not factor into how desirable I am. Im embarassed that I cried and practically begged him to stay. But its how I felt at the time and I guess I was living true to myself. I just dont know what to do now. I wrote up a letter in case we do talk so at least I can read it to him or give it to him. Maybe I should post it. I just dont know what to do here....I cant stop thinking about it. I have no idea where we stand.
Trialbyfire Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 Please stop, step back and analyze this professionally. Point blank, he's emotionally immature. Think about it. He's not told you about his virginity and his religious requirements as such. He has issues with 'purity' and yet is currently indulging in a physical relationship with you. It's pure hypocrisy.
letter-to-elise Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 Wow, it sounds like a real tough situation! I cannot imagine the disappointment and sadness you must be feeling. You wished you had waited with sex, but you didn't. Well, **** happens. Sorry to be so harsh, but he just has to deal with that fact. I think Jesus emphasized forgiveness and understanding one helluva lot more than waiting with sex until marriage. Everyone who seeks purity should seek it in themselves, not in someone else! I respect his notion that sex before marriage is wrong (although I do not agree with him), but I cannot respect a man, who is willing to reject someone on account on something both of you see as a mistake! And is it not quite hypocritical of him to sleep over, kiss and cuddle with you and then judge you for being intimate with another man? Don't be embarrased that you cried when he was about to leave you. He should be embarrased for leaving you and for giving you the silent treatment now!
Thunder973 Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 Just by reading your post you seem really genuine and into this guy. I know you say that if you didn't say anything about your virginity then you would not be in this predicament. Honesty is the best policy in this situation. He is the one with the issue, not you. You did absolutely nothing wrong. Most girls in your situation would of kept it moving after seeing his initial reaction and some girls would of found it a turn off. Since he is the one who has the issue with this, i think it would be best to let him step up to the plate and tell you what is what. If it doesn't work out, then recollect yourself keep your chin up high and move on, plain and simple.
Author citygal24 Posted February 24, 2007 Author Posted February 24, 2007 So I pretty much wait then? Bc I might not hear anything...in which case obviously I would assume things are over, but that makes it real awkward if I run into him. I truly believe that if a guy is into you he lets you know, and Im pretty much assuming hes not because I havent heard anything...though its just been a day. But it hurts...theres nothing worse than rejection because someone views you as being 'impure'. Part of me just wants to call and ask to chat and just see where his head is. But again, I dont want to be the one doing the 'chasing' when the other person is running into the other direction...
Thunder973 Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 So I pretty much wait then? Bc I might not hear anything...in which case obviously I would assume things are over, but that makes it real awkward if I run into him. I truly believe that if a guy is into you he lets you know, and Im pretty much assuming hes not because I havent heard anything...though its just been a day. But it hurts...theres nothing worse than rejection because someone views you as being 'impure'. Part of me just wants to call and ask to chat and just see where his head is. But again, I dont want to be the one doing the 'chasing' when the other person is running into the other direction... I can understand why he isn't contacting you. If he really has an issue with your viriginity and it bothers him so much, it is possible that he is taking time to rationalize the issue in his head to see what he is really looking for. On the other end of the spectrum (i know you don't want to hear this) it may be possible that his mind is already made up and he moved on. There is no real way to know. Contacting me with either situation would not be wise in my opinion. Let the situation take its course. If he wants to contact you, then he will, if not then you need to move on also. Either way you are in a tough emotional situation.
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