nittygritty Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 It has been 2 years since my ex BF of 2 years left me for greener pastures and a golden job opportunity that required him to relocate to another state. Rather than asking me to come with him, he dumped me shortly after he reached his new destination. It was a gut wrenching, earth shattering, life changing break up for me. I was very much in love him, still am, unfortunately. I try my best not to feel or think about him but every time I get anywhere with that he pops in to say "hey, remember me" and I begin the downward spiral. 6 months ago I made the decision not to respond. I went into full no contact mode. I did not return his phone calls, I changed my IM settings to private and even removed him from my buddy list. Fast forward to Valentines Day and I get a card with a long letter from him in the mail saying very sweet things and ending with the showstopper of him saying "I love you" for the first time. Of course, I crack my silence and call him up and thank him for the card and letter and before we hang up I say "I love you" and he says "I love you too". I'm trying not to make more out of it than it is but because I know he is not someone who would casually throw "I love you" into the mix its causing me a major setback in my road to recovery from this relationship. Any words of wisdom or advice would be greatly appreciated.
Trialbyfire Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 I'm trying not to make more out of it than it is This is the best piece of advice you could live by. Before jumping back into the fire, keep in mind that he's in a new location and maybe lonely, thus old feelings are magnified. Steer clear until you know for certain that he truly realized that he's made a mistake.
Author nittygritty Posted February 24, 2007 Author Posted February 24, 2007 Thank you Trialbyfire (perfect screenname btw). He has emailed me a few times since but nothing that signals that there has been a significant change to the situation. Other than now his emails end with "I love you". I've thought about asking him "what he means by that" or "what is he going to do about it" but it took him so long to even say it. I don't want to freak him out
Spinderella Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 i dont think it would be wrong for you to question him at this point. since he sent a valentines card and is saying he loves you, he has to know that he is giving some strong signals. perhaps you could just say something like "well i am glad we are friends again" and see what he says.
Author nittygritty Posted February 25, 2007 Author Posted February 25, 2007 Thank You, Spinderella. I agree, he should know he is giving some strong signals but I wonder if he is just lonely or feeling sentimental. For a year and a half I tried being just friends but beyond friends from afar and knowing he is alive, well and happy (minus the details) I couldn't move on. Which is why I went into full no contact mode 6 months ago. The full no contact mode made me miss him so much more and really intensified all of the stages of grief and emotions I have been flip-flopping through since he left. I was willing to tough it out and be done with it and now his recent revelation has slammed me so far back in any progress I thought I was making. When he lived here and we were together I never really pressed for the saying of "I love you" because I felt like he loved me and his actions said he loved me up until he dropped the bomb that he was leaving and not taking with him. Then I questioned and concluded with myself that he couldn't have really loved me very much or he wouldn't have left me. But he is not me so I really don't know what all of this means. If he offers me anymore incite to my dilemma I know I'm gonna have to ask the hard questions. I'm kind of scared of what his answers would be. I'm also scared of never really knowing or being strung along until one of us dies. I think I'm just being foolish. He would be with me if thats what he really wanted.
miss snoopy Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 If he really loved you he'd be with you. My ex did the same with his ex when we were together - I read his emails and in fact did a double take when I read your post as the story was so similar, including the reason he left her. He never told her about me and his "I love you" email to her was just him being confused, manipulative and in need of an ego boost - it happened just after we had a huge row that led to a break up (we got back together a week later) I know no two cases are the same but Trialbyfire's right - don't read anything to it. If he wants to get back wth you, he knows what to do. Bear in mind though that the aphorism "the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior" is very true regarding relationships. If he so easily walked, he could well do it again.
Author nittygritty Posted February 25, 2007 Author Posted February 25, 2007 miss snoopy, thank you, I think? I know that if he really loved me he'd be with me thats why I posted to the "Coping" forum rather than the "Second Chances" forum. Its just painful, thats all. I'm just having a difficult time of trying to understand why he is still screwing with my head by saying "I love you" after I cut off all communication. He is a definite commitment phobe which was okay by me since I'm somewhat commitment phobic myself. We both were burned badly by divorce. Maybe now he can safely say "I love you" because he doesn't have to do anything about it? Maybe thats why he left and moved so far away because he did love me and it scared the hell of him? He never even told his ex wife that he loved her (frightening, isn't it?). I will probably never know the real reason, why? Yes, trust was broken when he walked away so easily.
miss snoopy Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 Nittygritty - he does sound like a commitmentphobe. Maybe he feels able to say I love you now he doesn't have the pressure of a relationship? A lot of CPs are incredibly selfish and do things to make themselves feel better. He doesn't appear to be thinking about how his words may affect you, especially when they aren't accompanied by actions. I went through a really tough time with my ex who is a CP and I wish I had listened to people more, but it is very difficult to let your head take control and your heart ends up taking over. Your ex does have feelings for you, that's for sure, but his CP tendencies means in a relationship he will constantly be looking for a get out clause, in your case distance. If you end up in the same town, get back together and the relationship is going very well, things may even be worse as he may feel there's no way out and could start being nasty to you to get you to respond in a way that'll give him an excuse to end it. This sort of behavior is why all the books/websites advise us to cut CPs out of our lives as in this case, it really is not us, it's them.
Author nittygritty Posted February 25, 2007 Author Posted February 25, 2007 Thank you, miss snoopy, sincerely Yep, I agree, my gut instincts are telling me that it is just CP behavior. It really worked too. He reeled me back in quickly with that one. You are right. I have got to just cut this off for good. I am wasting years over agonizing over this guy and it seems like my looks are fading at lightning speed! Thanks again
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